Fixing the bad picker in all of us

[Brokenlady]

Most of us glossed over a lot of red flags - the biggest one being the obvious - he's married, but there were others, we missed, ignored, or justified. At the end of the day, most of us wee willing volunteers into these dubious relationships, not victims.

 

So the question is why -

1)what made it ok in our minds to get involved with someone who was already involved with someone else?

2)Why did we willingly ignore obvious warning signs, and

3)what were they?

 

I think we need (at least I do) to explore these questions in order to make sure that I make better choices in the future. So I'll start, and I'll be anxious to see the responses of others.

[PeachyPink]

Hi,

I think when people in general pick bad people for themselves, it is because they are trying to fix something broken within themselves. They are looking for validation, or the love mommy or daddy didn't give them. I don't mean that as an insult at all!

 

I haven't been a BBS, BS, NPR, FML, OW, FOW, UMM, WHATEVER all of those acronoyms stand for, so you'll have to allow me to guess on the affair relationship. I guess it's much of the same. Maybe some validation being sought by thinking one could rescue another from a bad marriage, or validation by taking away something from someone else. I'm not saying this in all cases but I think validation is definitely sought for some reason.

 

IF I'm correct, then those relationships can become troublesome later. Why? Because we must always first validate ourselves.

 

Hope that provides some insight or something to at least chew on.

[Brokenlady]

1) I don't have much experience in relationships and I was in a very low place, having been ground down by my own bad marriage and divorce. I found someone I thought was on the brink of a similar divorce and I thought we could help each other. Stupidly, I thought this was somehow romantic. It didn't occur to me how inappropriate it was for him to be sharing how miserable he was in his M with me. And I believed all of it. I wanted to be the "one" person in his life to make him feel loved. (Pretty arrogant of a thought really!). I thought for sure his M would end quickly in D because he purported to be miserable and abused by his W. We were meant to be together, I thought, it was just bad timing. What a juvenile, magical way to think. But at that time in my life, any attention was good attention. I felt worthless and here was someone that would tell me everything I wanted to hear. And I wanted to believe it so badly because it allowed to escape the fear of being alone- a single mom, and that my xH was correct that I was worthless except as his sex toy.

 

2) So I found ways to justify all the warnings that came my way because I was so invested in believing my own B.S. It was central to my self worth and MM had a way of making me doubt my own alarm system - he'd gaslight the crap out of me to shut down the waving red flags. And I let him because I wanted to believe him more than I wanted the truth, more than I wanted to protect myself.

 

3) The 1st one is the biggie he was M. (But only because he wanted to stay for the kids I believed). The next was that he got very possessive, especially for someone who had no desire to reciprocate loyalty. (I told myself it was a sign that he really loved me). Then there was the fact that he drug his feet for nearly a year after he promised he would move out. He went to M counseling and lied like crazy to his W that he wasn't in contact with me anymore. (I believed that he was trying to ease her pain by having her believe the seperation would be about their broken M, not me). And his eventual moving out meant nothing, because he slept at his W's house all the time. (I told myself it was because he loved his kids soo much, that he was trying to still be a fulltime dad, that it was a sign that he was a good father).

 

Then he refused to get divorced, and his W eventually felt forced to divorce him. (I twisted that into a belief that he had high moral standards, belief in the institution of M and that he was trying to not hurt the W he'd already hurt so much). He only ever got any boundaries with his xW because SHE imposed them, or I threatened to leave. (I wanted to believe he was just broken and weak in a way I could fix, rather than just that he was selfish and infantile). And he resented my efforts to fix him of course. He lied to both me and his xW like it was going out of style - he took her on vacation behind my back and then after the divorce lied like a rug when she found out we were engaged. He denied me over and over to her and other people. (I couldn't justify those two things, and they stirred a resntment in me that never got quashed. He said he was sorry and it wouldnt happen again, and I wanted to believe that.)

 

And then there were the kids - he never made any attempt to do grown-up fatherly things for them. He had me to organize his life and force him to act like an adult. I had a wrenching feeling in my guts about how he failed to do things and failed to protect his children, but I thought I could teach him to do better, that I could intervene and save them all. Again - such magical, stupid, narcissistic thinking.

 

Then there were the little things - he never once put his arm around me in bed at night. He always parked his car in the middle of the 2-car garage so I'd have to park mine out in the cold and snow. He had a strange obsession with money and gaining it. He never treated me like a partner, but rather a girlfriend he'd dictate terms to. (which makes sense, since this was the case from the get-go - the fact that I allowed this to be the case from the very beginning). And he's call me literally 10 times a day at work and keep me on the phone for hours each time. I got nothing done at work, and got the distinct impression he was doing it to check up on me and make sure I wasn't talking to any male coworkers. It felt smothering and oppressive yet I took it as a sign that he loved me. Nothing ever really changed, it just changed form. I was so invested in buying into his baloney and my own that actively denied what was staring me the face.

 

Now of course I have the aftermath - his family is broken and hurt, as am I. My kids have been somewhat disrupted - they don't miss him at all really - they are bummed that we aren't moving into a nice big house with a pool and there friends are farther away where we live now. I have to live with knowing I had a very active part in all of it. It was preventable and I did it anyway. I wasted years of my life and disrupted the lives of many other just so I didn't have to face my own worthlessness. That feels pretty terrible. But I'm trying to take a good honest look at it so it never happens again.

[OpenBook]

So the question is why -

1)what made it ok in our minds to get involved with someone who was already involved with someone else?

2)Why did we willingly ignore obvious warning signs, and

3)what were they?

 

Because I was madly in love with him. Love makes us do crazy things, including complete abandonment of reason and common sense.

 

The obvious warning signs were that he was married (duh), also he had a bit of an unscrupulous reputation (known to cut corners ethically), and he could be really nasty & mean & dismissive of others when he was in a bad mood.

 

I think we need (at least I do) to explore these questions in order to make sure that I make better choices in the future.

 

So far, the only solution I've come up with is to not fall in love again. EVER. If I find myself being drawn toward somebody (whether they're married, single, or somewhere in between), I run for the hills. It's the only way to avoid getting trapped in a bad situation again.

 

I do not know how to fix my people-picker... so I avoid the whole damn thing altogether.

[Fieldsofgold]

BL, your topic is an excellent one, and your personal post very touching. There is much to be learned from the things you shared.

 

I will be giving this more thought, but of course, after my personal experience, and reading here on LS, I have already given it considerable.

 

I think one of the first things that causes trouble is that people allow themselves to be led by their feelings, not their logic.

 

I read on here, over and over, how they met, and the feeling was just so amazing that they allowed their emotions to lead them.

 

Being led by emotion without engaging the brain in the reasoning process to go along with the emotion, is always a great recipe for disaster. The idea that we HAVE TO follow our feelings is really quite infantile, if you think about it. That's what children do. A sign that they are maturing is that they begin to use logic and reason in making decisions.

 

When we are afraid, we use our reasoning ability to assess whether that fear is valid or not. When we are angry, we use reason to keep from lashing out and harming others. (the ones who don't are known as abusers.) When we have the impulse to over-spend, or drink to excess, reason is what saves us from our emotions.

 

Emotion is good. It is fun, it adds excitement. But it should always be tempered by reason. Logic, reason and good judgment should be the final deciding factors in the adult life.

 

So I would have to say that following your emotions, even against reason, is always a red flag.

[bentnotbroken]

Because I was madly in love with him. Love makes us do crazy things, including complete abandonment of reason and common sense.

 

The obvious warning signs were that he was married (duh), also he had a bit of an unscrupulous reputation (known to cut corners ethically), and he could be really nasty & mean & dismissive of others when he was in a bad mood.

 

 

 

So far, the only solution I've come up with is to not fall in love again. EVER. If I find myself being drawn toward somebody (whether they're married, single, or somewhere in between), I run for the hills. It's the only way to avoid getting trapped in a bad situation again.

 

I do not know how to fix my people-picker... so I avoid the whole damn thing altogether.

 

 

I found this statement really sad...but boy do I understand it. I have to admit to feeling that way more than once. I ask you to fight against it this feeling. I think it will be in both our best interest in the long run to fight this urge. Please give it some thought.

[Brokenlady]

I think one of the first things that causes trouble is that people allow themselves to be led by their feelings, not their logic.

 

I read on here, over and over, how they met, and the feeling was just so amazing that they allowed their emotions to lead them.

 

--snip--

 

So I would have to say that following your emotions, even against reason, is always a red flag.

 

Good point FOG, but why is the emotion even there? Why get involved enough to have emotion? By then, a big red flag has already been ignored. For some women, a man being M is an automatic turn off and they don't let themselves get further involved. Why was it not that way for us?

 

The emotion then is just used to justify further involvement, but I for one want to get to the point that I don't have to get far enough involved to have emotion, I want to be able to immediately recognize and avoid men who have big red flags straight off (and that includes, but is not limited to being M - there's all kinds of inadvisable men).

[Brokenlady]

Wow, this was quite sad to read. Are you still with him?

 

No. I finally accepted that he can't/won't change and I can't get past all the pain he inflicted until he's out of my life. I'm finally ok being alone, and expect that I will stay that way a long time. I'm exploring this because I'm really afraid of getting sucked in by someone else who will hurt me. I missed a lot of red flags with my xh too, so I've been through the mill twice. That's more than enough and I'd like to change my pattern.

[OpenBook]

I found this statement really sad...but boy do I understand it. I have to admit to feeling that way more than once. I ask you to fight against it this feeling. I think it will be in both our best interest in the long run to fight this urge. Please give it some thought.

 

Why, bent? Being alone really isn't so bad. Sometimes it can be downright exhilarating... especially when I compare it to what other women (esp. W's - whether their H's are cheating on them or not - and OW's) are going through.

 

When I weigh it out (which I've done about a million times), it's always better for me to be free. The empty spaces in my heart are a relatively small price to pay.

 

And isn't it better to turn away from potential states of disaster, sin, or whatever you want to call it?

[Fieldsofgold]

Good point FOG, but why is the emotion even there? Why get involved enough to have emotion? By then, a big red flag has already been ignored. For some women, a man being M is an automatic turn off and they don't let themselves get further involved. Why was it not that way for us?

 

The emotion then is just used to justify further involvement, but I for one want to get to the point that I don't have to get far enough involved to have emotion, I want to be able to immediately recognize and avoid men who have big red flags straight off (and that includes, but is not limited to being M - there's all kinds of inadvisable men).

 

Ok. So I think I misunderstood your question. I think you want to know how to not feel that attraction in the first place.

 

Cultivate some self-respect. You know what the song says. "if you don't respect yourself ain't nobody else gonna give a . . . "

 

I used to be such a doormat. Wipe your boots on me, no I don't mind at all, here, let me polish them for you, too, you sure you don't want to wipe them again?

 

I went to counseling to work on that. I realized that I often didn't even recognize when someone was disrespecting me. (I see that a lot on LS) As I became aware of what was unacceptable behavior, I quit tolerating it, and quit being attracted to people who treated me unacceptably. As my "unacceptable" meter got fine-tuned, I recognized it earlier and earlier, and it was a definite turn-off. I also started noticing when people were treating others disrespectfully, and that turned me off, too.

 

Developing self-respect goes a long, long way toward avoiding attraction to jerks.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Fieldsofgold

[Fieldsofgold]

The second thing that helped me quit being attracted to jerks was to realize what kind of man I was attracted to.

 

For me, I like dangerous men, the rough, tough, bad boy-rebel-outlaw type. But at the same time, I want someone who's going to treat me like a princess.

 

As my therapist pointed out, often the biker who's drunk and brawling at the biker bar may be tough, dangerous, a rebel and all that, but he may also be less likely to be the kind and gentle, respectful man I want.

 

Sooo, what my therapist helped me realize is that what I really wanted was a man who is strong and protective. And there are other ways to be that tough bad-boy-rebel I find so exciting. Men who buck the norm to fight for human rights, for example. Or men who work with teen drug addicts. Or someone who is helll-bent on reforming the education system. Or a firefighter. Or a horse trainer. There are healthy ways to fill that attraction, and unhealthy ways to fill that attraction, and I have learned to look for the healthier manifestations.

 

Knowing what I'm attracted to, and finding healthier, safer versions has gone along way toward helping me avoid falling for jerks.

 

(I hole this is the direction you were wanting to head in.)

[bentnotbroken]

Why, bent? Being alone really isn't so bad. Sometimes it can be downright exhilarating... especially when I compare it to what other women (esp. W's - whether their H's are cheating on them or not - and OW's) are going through.

 

When I weigh it out (which I've done about a million times), it's always better for me to be free. The empty spaces in my heart are a relatively small price to pay.

 

And isn't it better to turn away from potential states of disaster, sin, or whatever you want to call it?

 

 

Because I think if either of us gives into the "run for the hills" thought process...the one's who dealt us the crap hand of cards win. I really do understand the thought of not wanting to ever put myself in the position of being crapped on again. I actually enjoy the freedom as well. But....do I want to push the possibility of something wonderful away from me. I don't know yet. But I do have the feeling that I should completely close the door yet.

 

I also don't think all W's are being treated as badly I was or are unhappy. Your post just resonated with me.

[Brokenlady]

I realized that I often didn't even recognize when someone was disrespecting me. (I see that a lot on LS) As I became aware of what was unacceptable behavior, I quit tolerating it, and quit being attracted to people who treated me unacceptably. As my "unacceptable" meter got fine-tuned, I recognized it earlier and earlier, and it was a definite turn-off. I also started noticing when people were treating others disrespectfully, and that turned me off, too.

 

Developing self-respect goes a long, long way toward avoiding attraction to jerks.

 

Yeah, this is exactly what I mean. I feel like my radar is all out of whack. Something that is plainly obvious to others has been invisible to me. I'm working on getting my "glasses" for this in therapy.

[Brokenlady]

The second thing that helped me quit being attracted to jerks was to realize what kind of man I was attracted to.

 

Like other women I know, I tend to be attracted to broken types - depressives I think can nuture to health. You'd think that would have stopped when I had actual children to take care of, but it really didn't. It's probably because that's what's familiar to me - my father was like this and of course, he never got "fixed".

 

Obviously nothing good is going to come from this. Men who want a mommy are tiresome and those that won't accept my misguided help are frustrating. I think maybe I gravtitate towards these men in part because I feel like if they need me to nuture them, they won't leave me. (Thank you Dad also for the abandonment issues).

 

And there are other ways to be that tough bad-boy-rebel I find so exciting. Men who buck the norm to fight for human rights, for example. Or men who work with teen drug addicts. Or someone who is helll-bent on reforming the education system. Or a firefighter. Or a horse trainer. There are healthy ways to fill that attraction, and unhealthy ways to fill that attraction, and I have learned to look for the healthier manifestations.

 

I don't think there's a healthier version of what I've been attracted to, because what I'm attracted to is by definition unhealthy. Perhaps with some self-respect and self-confidence I will let good sense rather than fear of abandonment guide me. In that case, I think healthy men will look a whole lot better.

[Brokenlady]

When I weigh it out (which I've done about a million times), it's always better for me to be free. The empty spaces in my heart are a relatively small price to pay.

 

And isn't it better to turn away from potential states of disaster, sin, or whatever you want to call it?

 

But since you've been good at avoiding jerks and feel more confident, why not trust yourself to be open to some "extra" happiness a relationship can provide?

[Billy_Boy]

I do this a lot. I ignore red flags and hope that people are able to overcome who they actually are. To date I havent been right, often it bites me in the butt. I am an idealist and an optimist though, im not sure how many times I can let my heart get broken before I give up for good, heres to hoping, never. LOL

[Spark1111]

Like other women I know, I tend to be attracted to broken types - depressives I think can nuture to health. You'd think that would have stopped when I had actual children to take care of, but it really didn't. It's probably because that's what's familiar to me - my father was like this and of course, he never got "fixed".

 

Obviously nothing good is going to come from this. Men who want a mommy are tiresome and those that won't accept my misguided help are frustrating. I think maybe I gravtitate towards these men in part because I feel like if they need me to nuture them, they won't leave me. (Thank you Dad also for the abandonment issues).

 

 

 

I don't think there's a healthier version of what I've been attracted to, because what I'm attracted to is by definition unhealthy. Perhaps with some self-respect and self-confidence I will let good sense rather than fear of abandonment guide me. In that case, I think healthy men will look a whole lot better.

 

BL, there is some great insight here. You have done some good work in identifying why you are attracted to broken men you want to fix. Keep going. You will come across the solutions in therapy with time.

 

We perceive love as we were loved...in childhood. And our hard-wiring in loving another is related to that. Our unmet needs come with us, wherever we go.

 

But here is where it gets muddy. We bring those parameters to our new love relationship, the same dynamics and the same lack.

 

So you wanting to rescue a broken man resembles your wants in childhood. If you had rescued daddy, maybe he would have loved you more, praised and supported you more.

 

But it could also be projection. You need to rescue yourself, because no one did. You need to praise yourself, because no one did. You need to love and support yourself more, because no one did.

 

Bad-pickers can only be overcome with self-love. When you love yourself enough, you recognize self-love in others. Your boundaries grow stronger in what you will accept in others. You stop accepting unacceptable behavior. It feels strong, and right, and good. And that becomes a healthy picker.

 

As you grow in confidence and self-love, you grow more discriminating with prospective partners.

 

You begin to recognize mess and dysfunction a mile away.

[Crimson and Clover]

The second thing that helped me quit being attracted to jerks was to realize what kind of man I was attracted to.

 

For me, I like dangerous men, the rough, tough, bad boy-rebel-outlaw type. But at the same time, I want someone who's going to treat me like a princess.

 

As my therapist pointed out, often the biker who's drunk and brawling at the biker bar may be tough, dangerous, a rebel and all that, but he may also be less likely to be the kind and gentle, respectful man I want.

 

Sooo, what my therapist helped me realize is that what I really wanted was a man who is strong and protective. And there are other ways to be that tough bad-boy-rebel I find so exciting. Men who buck the norm to fight for human rights, for example. Or men who work with teen drug addicts. Or someone who is helll-bent on reforming the education system. Or a firefighter. Or a horse trainer. There are healthy ways to fill that attraction, and unhealthy ways to fill that attraction, and I have learned to look for the healthier manifestations.

 

Knowing what I'm attracted to, and finding healthier, safer versions has gone along way toward helping me avoid falling for jerks.

 

(I hole this is the direction you were wanting to head in.)

 

This is verrrry interesting. A man who bucks the norm to fight for human rights actually sounds pretty tasty.

 

Food for thought, anyway. My picker has failed me a few times in the past, too.

[OWoman]

Most of us glossed over a lot of red flags - the biggest one being the obvious - he's married, but there were others, we missed, ignored, or justified. At the end of the day, most of us wee willing volunteers into these dubious relationships, not victims.

 

So the question is why -

1)what made it ok in our minds to get involved with someone who was already involved with someone else?

2)Why did we willingly ignore obvious warning signs, and

3)what were they?

 

I think we need (at least I do) to explore these questions in order to make sure that I make better choices in the future. So I'll start, and I'll be anxious to see the responses of others.

 

1) Available is as available does. If someone's open to outside involvement, they're clearly not as "involved" in their M / other R as it may appear.

2) I thought the "warning signs" would guarantee my safety

3) His level of commitment, despite all odds. This is a man who goes the extra lightyear, never mind mile, to do what he can to abide by his commitments. I thought that that would keep him safely in his M - as it had all those decades before - but I failed to understand that the depth of his commitment was outperformed by the strength of his love.

 

I now have both his love and his commitment. It wasn't what I went in for, and it caught me off guard, but it's all worked out for the best. :love:

[BB07]

So far, the only solution I've come up with is to not fall in love again. EVER. If I find myself being drawn toward somebody (whether they're married, single, or somewhere in between), I run for the hills. It's the only way to avoid getting trapped in a bad situation again.

 

I do not know how to fix my people-picker... so I avoid the whole damn thing altogether.

 

I found this statement really sad...but boy do I understand it. I have to admit to feeling that way more than once. I ask you to fight against it this feeling. I think it will be in both our best interest in the long run to fight this urge. Please give it some thought.

 

That is sorta where I'm at myself OpenBook although I know I'm in a much better place than I've ever been regarding boundaries but still there is this fear in me that it's too late. I am working on me and I'm the most at peace that I've ever been being alone but sometimes it makes me sad to think that I might not ever have the thing again (someone who loves me) that I've wanted. Also I think I have some issues with fear of commitment myself because even when I didn't know about all the lies xmm told me, I did not want a full time, day in, day out relationship with him. I wanted it all except the issues that come with living with someone day to day.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Fixing the bad picker in all of us

 

 

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, you probably need to know that not all of us have a bad picker.

 

A "bad picker" is most likely the product of your upbringing and of your genetics.

 

Then, naturally, you keep duplicating your upbringing with just about every dating scenario, mostly because you don't know anything other than that.

 

Now of course you don't wake up in the morning, newly single, and resolve to pick out another one, just like all the rest. You are merely attracted to the very same traits which have been your undoing since childhood.

 

It isn't a green/red issue, where you can clearly identify the red lights next to the guys you find most attractive, before you accept their social invitations.

 

You need to understand yourself much better in order to sidestep the funnel cloud which keeps drawing you right back into the same script over and over again.

[Fieldsofgold]

This reminds me of a thread in the dating section a while back. Someone posted a woman's dating profile and everyone noted that she likes bad boys, the rebel. No pansies need apply. And yet she wanted this person to treat her like a princess and she be his number one. Several LSers noted that this idea was something of an oxymoron, but I love your therapist's idea.

 

My boyfriend is as far from being the bad boy as he can be. He is the geek with his head in a book, and he'll be the first to admit it. But when he was a kid his father took him and his brother to the boxing gym. As a teenager he would go to the gym to spar and spend hours on the speed bag. When he went to university he joined the boxing club. The other day he was punching at a friend in a joking manner who kept poking him. He was playing around but you could tell he's had training. He looked so hot.

He's 99% geek and 1% bad ass, and I love him like that.

 

So my idea is there is nothing wrong with having a bad boy as long as the good angel on the shoulder is winning over the devil.

 

I love this, what you said about your boyfriend! It painted such a mental picture; I love it!

 

And about the angel winning.

[Fieldsofgold]

Like other women I know, I tend to be attracted to broken types - depressives I think can nuture to health. You'd think that would have stopped when I had actual children to take care of, but it really didn't. It's probably because that's what's familiar to me - my father was like this and of course, he never got "fixed".

 

Obviously nothing good is going to come from this. Men who want a mommy are tiresome and those that won't accept my misguided help are frustrating. I think maybe I gravtitate towards these men in part because I feel like if they need me to nuture them, they won't leave me. (Thank you Dad also for the abandonment issues).

 

I don't think there's a healthier version of what I've been attracted to, because what I'm attracted to is by definition unhealthy. Perhaps with some self-respect and self-confidence I will let good sense rather than fear of abandonment guide me. In that case, I think healthy men will look a whole lot better.

 

I used to be a major rescuer, too. For me this was probably projection, because I needed and wished someone would "rescue" me.

 

As I gained self-respect/esteem, I began to lose the need to rescue others. In fact, I now tend to lean the other way. I tend to look at the part they play in their own misery-making, and what they need to to do to rescue themselves.

 

I had a friend tell me one time, back when I was deep into rescuer mode, that most people who have problems, make their own problems. Or at least contribute heavily to them.

 

At the time, I thought that was the most heartless thing I'd ever heard. Now that I'm in a better place with respect/esteem issues, I still don't fully agree with him, but I see a lot more truth in what he said. There are true victims in the world, but they are NOT the ones I used to try to rescue! WHO and HOW I try to help is very different now. I am no longer attracted to the "broken" man who just needs a good woman's love to tame the savage beast in him.

 

I think that as you start to demand more respect for yourself, you'll find yourself less drawn to the damaged parts in others.

 

I really think a good dose of self-respect cures a world full of wrongs. That's why I am so dedicated to helping the teenagers in my area with developing skills that will contribute to their sense of self-worth.

Edited January 30, 2011 by Fieldsofgold

[NoIDidn't]

1) Available is as available does. If someone's open to outside involvement, they're clearly not as "involved" in their M / other R as it may appear.

2) I thought the "warning signs" would guarantee my safety

3) His level of commitment, despite all odds. This is a man who goes the extra lightyear, never mind mile, to do what he can to abide by his commitments. I thought that that would keep him safely in his M - as it had all those decades before - but I failed to understand that the depth of his commitment was outperformed by the strength of his love.

 

I now have both his love and his commitment. It wasn't what I went in for, and it caught me off guard, but it's all worked out for the best. :love:

 

Well, that's one way of looking at it. LOL.

 

1. BL, I can understand ignoring that a person is married to a degree. If they made you feel that their divorce was truly impending, I can understand rationalizing dating them anyway. Because of my dad, though, I would never look the way of a MM or pay too much attention when one looks my way. They just have too much baggage and I have enough of my own.

 

2. I'm a scare-dy cat by nature, so I don't ignore warning signs. I've never been wrong when I pegged a person. But I have let them get close anyway sometimes and regretted it. What I find helps for me is visualizing and role-play. If I see a warning sign, I think of the ways it might come up and affect me and how I want to react. If I deem my make-believe reaction too be not worth it, I walk away.

 

3. Its hard to see a person for what they really are when we are rationalizing them to be someone else. Its hard to see their true character when they do their best to hide it. A MM coming on to me though is an instant character turn-off, a red flag that I will not ignore. A single guy treating anyone like a jerk, is another.

 

I went through a period much like the one you are seeming to explain now. I learned what kind of man I was attracting and took a good look at myself. I made some changes. And while I don't mean to give you false hope, I wasn't single for long after that introspection. But I wouldn't have minded it if I ended up single. The lessons learned about myself were more than worth it.

[Fieldsofgold]

Well, that's one way of looking at it. LOL.

 

1. BL, I can understand ignoring that a person is married to a degree. If they made you feel that their divorce was truly impending, I can understand rationalizing dating them anyway. Because of my dad, though, I would never look the way of a MM or pay too much attention when one looks my way. They just have too much baggage and I have enough of my own.

 

2. I'm a scare-dy cat by nature, so I don't ignore warning signs. I've never been wrong when I pegged a person. But I have let them get close anyway sometimes and regretted it. What I find helps for me is visualizing and role-play. If I see a warning sign, I think of the ways it might come up and affect me and how I want to react. If I deem my make-believe reaction too be not worth it, I walk away.

 

3. Its hard to see a person for what they really are when we are rationalizing them to be someone else. Its hard to see their true character when they do their best to hide it. A MM coming on to me though is an instant character turn-off, a red flag that I will not ignore. A single guy treating anyone like a jerk, is another.

 

I went through a period much like the one you are seeming to explain now. I learned what kind of man I was attracting and took a good look at myself. I made some changes. And while I don't mean to give you false hope, I wasn't single for long after that introspection. But I wouldn't have minded it if I ended up single. The lessons learned about myself were more than worth it.

 

Good points, NID. Your #2, I don't call that being a scaredy-cat. I call that being a very smart and astute person.