What a mess...

[br0ken_w0lf]

Never thought I'd post in this forum but, oh well... Hmmm, so some background I guess. Ex-wife left me in Aug 2007, essentially for another guy. I believe now that they'd been having an emotional affair (though I didn't know how to define it until coming to LS) for a few months prior to that. Not sure if it turned to physical or not before my wife left, but in the end, it doesn't matter anyway. Either way, the whole experience really messed me up and probably continues to do so on some levels (e.g. self esteem).

 

Anyway, my female neighbor (who, for info only, I've been attracted to for several years) recently revealed to me that they were having marriage problems. Actually, more so her than him. She felt that the marriage had become very routine (they have a one year-old and both work), and that she felt more like roommates or teammates than anything else i.e. the fire is gone, and that she was overwhelmed with responsibilities of their child, the house, etc. I'd also observed myself just from our discussions that her and her husband didn't spend a lot of time together; he would usually go out for drinks on the weekend and come home late; and during the week, if one of them was home, the other would usually go out somewhere. I'd never talked to her much until maybe a month and a half ago, and we quickly became good friends; chat online during the day, grab a coffee to discuss things, talk on the phone, etc. During the marriage discussion, she revealed that she has feelings for someone and she wasn't sure whether it was due to the state of the marriage or not. She later revealed that person was me, but that she decided she was going to work on the marriage. Online chats, in the meantime, had gotten flirtatious, and at one point, I revealed that I liked her as well (yes, totally wrong, I admit). Though at the time, I was trying to be supportive of fixing the marriage by suggesting counseling or just discussing things more among themselves.

 

Shortly after, she made a pass at me in my house which I resisted. I then urged her to go to IC to try and sort some things out. She did just that and things seemed to be getting better. But, through equal fault of my own, things went downhill recently. We started spending more time together (still innocent but in secret as her husband suspected that she liked me; and yes, I know the secret meetings are wrong as well), online chats became even more racy, and very recently, it became physical (no sex, but everything but, and only because I wouldn't). I am aware that we are all in control of our actions and I know I'm guilty as hell here. I'm extremely attracted to her and like spending time with her (prior to the physical contact as well) but there have been a few situations where I knew we shouldn't put ourselves, but I did anyway.

 

And so, here I am. I'm quite confused as I don't know what her intentions are (does she already plan on leaving? am I an excuse to leave? etc.) but I know this is wrong. Truthfully, if she were single, I would definitely be interested in her but it can't be like this. So, at this point, what I am thinking is that I have to put an end to the physical contact, urge both of us to go back to being friends (assuming it's possible), and urge her to continue the IC and the planned couples counseling as well. I don't want to be a homewrecker but feel like I've already done it; after telling her a while back that I didn't want to become the affair guy, that is the story now. The irony is that, as I mentioned earlier, this is what happened with my ex and I'm now on the other end - and I should know better.

 

Anyone who's been there have suggestions or insight?

[Fallen Angel]

Welcome friend.

 

Do not beat yourself up too badly here.

 

Many of us have been where you are. We were betrayed, we became betrayers.

 

Thing is, so many of us "others" have said time and again, we did not intend to fall in love. It happens, and takes us unawares. We are called liars when we say this, but you are one now who may be able to forgive your ex since you now know how it happens when you never mean it to.

 

((hugs))

 

Okay, I just skimmed your post but felt compelled to say that right away. I will now finish it and read it more carefully to respond to your questions.

[White Flower]

 

Anyone who's been there have suggestions or insight?

Boy, all I can say is go read Stampdaddy's threads...ALL OF THEM.

 

Stampdaddy is permanently banned now for joking too much:mad: but he was in the very place you now stand over 5 years ago. When he first came on he believed everything his MW was saying about leaving. Man, it even got to the point where she was in IC, she and her H were in MC and she and Stampdaddy were in couples counseling!!! This girl messed everybody up.

 

But what resonates most in this early stage of your A, and yes it is an A, is that Stampdaddy asked God after that first night, 'Don't let this be an affair'. But it sure did.

 

Best of luck broken wolf. I hope to spare you pain by making the suggestion.

[1/2moon]

BW- Not a fun position to be in. I took the time to re-read some of your past posts and it appears that you were very much brought to your knees by your ex-wife. Evidently, you can imagine the pain this would case her husband. Doesn't sound like she is in the right place to be starting something with anyone.

Also, were you not recently with someone whom you felt you were "meant to meet" but broke it off cause you were not ready (your words)? I only raise this cause I wonder if you are yourself in a better place since you mentioned you needed to "work on me". It appears you were with a woman who was available to you at all levels and you walked away....yet you now find yourself with someone who is no position to be starting something new and could end up hurting many people, you included.

For what its worth, it does not sound like this relationship really has a strong future and you DO NOT want to be caught in the middle.

You mention if she was single you would be all over it, if you are ready to date, why not find someone who is in a similar place like yourself......what about the girl you were meant to meet and cared so much for? Sounds like that was far more promising and from your posts you stated "you had nothing to complain about".

I fear this situation will only lead you to more heartache and problems. She is in no position to be starting somethign up with you and nor are you (i know you know this all ready).

[Fallen Angel]

Being the "other" is not an easy place to be. And from your post it seems it is not somewhere you WANT to be.

 

If you really have feelings for this woman and want something more from her, tell her. Be open and honest and tell her that while you really care for her, and would like to see if the two of you have a chance at a relationship, you do not feel that you can do this while she is still in her marriage.

 

Perhaps you are her "exit affair". That can be good for you, or it can be bad for you. Good if she already has one foot out the door and you just happened to show up in her life a little early . Or bad if she is just looking to you to boost her confidence, and she does not anticipate carrying your relationship beyond your helping her get out of her marriage.

 

Either way, I think that a good old fashioned sit down with her is needed. you need to be forthcoming about your wants, needs and expectations if you choose to have any kind of relationship with her. Negotiate the terms of the relationship so that both of your needs are being met.

 

If your need is for her to separate and move out of the maritial home in order to continue the relationship then tell her that. She will not know what you need unless you tell her.

 

Good Luck to you, friend.

 

May you find the happiness you seek.

[whichwayisup]

She ain't leaving. Never...

 

Anyway, my female neighbor (who, for info only, I've been attracted to for several years) recently revealed to me that they were having marriage problems. Actually, more so her than him. She felt that the marriage had become very routine (they have a one year-old and both work), and that she felt more like roommates or teammates than anything else i.e. the fire is gone, and that she was overwhelmed with responsibilities of their child, the house, etc. I'd also observed myself just from our discussions that her and her husband didn't spend a lot of time together; he would usually go out for drinks on the weekend and come home late; and during the week, if one of them was home, the other would usually go out somewhere

 

All your answers are in this paragraph.

 

She's BORED and you provided some excitement in her life. That's about the jist of it. Yes, she likes you, probably more than she should, and is attracted to you, but it's about HER, not you. Never forget that.

 

If her H finds out the truth, do you think she is going to leave her husband, and child for you? Give up the family unit as one?

 

End it. It's going nowhere..

 

Plus, seeing as she's your neighbour, it's even worse since you know the guy too, right?

 

She will choose him over you, even if you two are close and are intimate. Don't fool yourself into believing that when push comes to shove she'll choose you over him. Sorry to be blunt.

[sadintexas]

It is hard to reconcile how a BS becomes an OP. Been there myself so I understand your feelings.

 

Whether or not she'll ever leave is a crap shoot really. It's not what you need to be focusing on.

 

What you need to ask yourself is...is the right partner for me someone who does not have enough respect for herself, her husband and their marriage to try to overcome a rough spot instead of seeking outside stimulus to fill the void? When/if you ever get married again, do you want a partner who has skills and courage to face problems head on and work to resolve them with you?

 

There are a lot of changes after a baby is born. A one year old child is very demanding and causes focus to shift from the marital relationship to the parental relationship for a time. It's difficult especially when both parents are working. It takes time to adjust to the new family dynamic.

 

It sounds as if she's had a hard time adjusting from being a wife to being a wife and a mother, more specifically, she's having a hard time adjusting to her husband becoming a father and having less time for her. It sounds as if you could impart the wisdom that being married DOES mean that you're part of a team. Being teammates is actually part of what marriage is all about.

Edited July 26, 2010 by sadintexas

[br0ken_w0lf]

Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated. I'll address a few folks below:

 

Fallen Angel: Yes, if nothing else, I have a deeper appreciation of how this type of thing can happen, now that I'm on the other end of it... Was up late last night so I think I now have some items for discussion ready and some questions that will hopefully bring things to light a little better.

 

White Flower: Thanks, I've already started reading Stampdaddy's posts - there are a lot of 'em so I'm still early on in the timeline.

 

whichwayisup: Your opinion was my feeling as well and still is to some extent and is what I need to have a frank discussion about. And don't apologize for being blunt, it is likely just what I need here (perhaps via hammer )

 

I've read that the first 2 years of having a child is the most difficult so that very well may be where all this is coming from; but this is what I need to get to the bottom of I guess.

 

Thanks again. What really amazes me in all of this is how quickly things can (at least, perceivably) happen...

[dragonwave]

I feel for you Man. Been there myself where you are and I will share with you wisdom I wish someone had the balls to tell me (then again, how can anyone of told me since this situation is not something we share over the dinner table with family and friends, now is it)...WALK AWAY!!!!!

 

Like other posts here indicated, you answers are in your original posts. Your neighbour DOES want to work on her marriage, she is BORED, her issues are common for couples that move from couple stage to family stage. Common issues also have easy fixable solutions. She will NOT choose you over her family, do not kid yourself. Right now you represent what she does not have in her marriage - passion, someone to talk to and share what she is feeling etc. The reality, she does have the option to have this in her marriage. Even if tomorrow she decides to end her marriage and walk away, she will always have her husband in her life since they have a child. You know as well as I do the gambit of emotions to process and deal with in a divorce,,,,,,do you really want to be tangled up in all of this? She is with the power of determining when she leaves, if she leaves, how far she lets you in......you DESERVE better.

 

I am sure you are both good people, forgive yourselves for what happened. YOu mentioned in a post you just RECENTLY go to know her.....she is not a best friend going back years. She is a MARRIED neighbour whose husband has already suspected you are "into his" his wife. How would you feel if he finds all your racy texts/emails....how would you feel? Do not kid yourself, this could all potentially come out and then what? He is a neighbour, which means you know him too. A triangle will always have someone on the outside looking in....do yourself a favour and do NOT repeat your own history here. WALK AWAY!!!! Learn from your own history so you have can a better life.

 

Broken wolf - you should be striving to being "happy howling wolf":laugh: This current situation is not going to get you there and possible keep you broken for unnecessarily much longer. Do not kid yourself, she is showing some of her traits and do you really want someone that when the going gets tough and issues arise they turn outside their marriage for comfort and solutions as opposed to their partner. Do you really want a REPEAT of your ex-wife? Think about that.....your past experience should be suggeseting some serious red flags here and pushing you to walk away!

 

I do not mean to hijack your post but your situation reminded me of my own history and this situation will leave you messed up longer than need be if you continute. A relationship starting with guilt and confusion are not positive/encouraging emotions. I went back to your previous posts and found happily that you found someone "amazing", "the woman you were meant to meet", "cared for very deeply", "wonderful in so many ways", "hit off right from the start", "nothing to complain about on any level"...your own words...WOW...I do not see any of that here in this post. Like yourself I too had met someone wonderful and out of fear (past divorce and hurt) and pride (too stubborn for my own good) i ended it and it was not until after my affair fiasco that I asked myself WTF am I doing???? For me, that great person had moved on (literaly left the city), it was too late, I hope for you it is not. Could this be your own wake up call.

You deserve BETTER than the situation you are in....WALK AWAY. Do not allow yourself to be entangled in situations that keep you broken...strive to be happy howling wolf.

[lkjh]

Ok your wife ditches you for another man and now you are moving in on a married woman who has a child. Man up, end this and tell her H what has been going on. I am willing to bet that she throws you under the bus and makes it seem like you were chasing her

[Hazyhead]

Great advice, dragonwave.

 

Wolf, there are some very educational threads within this forum. I agree with WF, Stampdaddy's are a good place to begin. I wish I had found these forums before my affair too. Keep posting. Good luck. The affair route is not an easy one and provided me with the most traumatic time of my life; I'm still getting over it.

 

I feel for you Man. Been there myself where you are and I will share with you wisdom I wish someone had the balls to tell me (then again, how can anyone of told me since this situation is not something we share over the dinner table with family and friends, now is it)...WALK AWAY!!!!!

 

Like other posts here indicated, you answers are in your original posts. Your neighbour DOES want to work on her marriage, she is BORED, her issues are common for couples that move from couple stage to family stage. Common issues also have easy fixable solutions. She will NOT choose you over her family, do not kid yourself. Right now you represent what she does not have in her marriage - passion, someone to talk to and share what she is feeling etc. The reality, she does have the option to have this in her marriage. Even if tomorrow she decides to end her marriage and walk away, she will always have her husband in her life since they have a child. You know as well as I do the gambit of emotions to process and deal with in a divorce,,,,,,do you really want to be tangled up in all of this? She is with the power of determining when she leaves, if she leaves, how far she lets you in......you DESERVE better.

 

I am sure you are both good people, forgive yourselves for what happened. YOu mentioned in a post you just RECENTLY go to know her.....she is not a best friend going back years. She is a MARRIED neighbour whose husband has already suspected you are "into his" his wife. How would you feel if he finds all your racy texts/emails....how would you feel? Do not kid yourself, this could all potentially come out and then what? He is a neighbour, which means you know him too. A triangle will always have someone on the outside looking in....do yourself a favour and do NOT repeat your own history here. WALK AWAY!!!! Learn from your own history so you have can a better life.

 

Broken wolf - you should be striving to being "happy howling wolf":laugh: This current situation is not going to get you there and possible keep you broken for unnecessarily much longer. Do not kid yourself, she is showing some of her traits and do you really want someone that when the going gets tough and issues arise they turn outside their marriage for comfort and solutions as opposed to their partner. Do you really want a REPEAT of your ex-wife? Think about that.....your past experience should be suggeseting some serious red flags here and pushing you to walk away!

 

I do not mean to hijack your post but your situation reminded me of my own history and this situation will leave you messed up longer than need be if you continute. A relationship starting with guilt and confusion are not positive/encouraging emotions. I went back to your previous posts and found happily that you found someone "amazing", "the woman you were meant to meet", "cared for very deeply", "wonderful in so many ways", "hit off right from the start", "nothing to complain about on any level"...your own words...WOW...I do not see any of that here in this post. Like yourself I too had met someone wonderful and out of fear (past divorce and hurt) and pride (too stubborn for my own good) i ended it and it was not until after my affair fiasco that I asked myself WTF am I doing???? For me, that great person had moved on (literaly left the city), it was too late, I hope for you it is not. Could this be your own wake up call.

You deserve BETTER than the situation you are in....WALK AWAY. Do not allow yourself to be entangled in situations that keep you broken...strive to be happy howling wolf.