Responding to the BW?

[stella79]

Hello, My D-day was 3 weeks ago. I recently recieved a very nasty e-mail from the BS. I have not responded..Should I? I realize that I deserved to get a bashing..but..it still hurts.. I wish I could post the e-mail, but that would be TMI..I am single..yet I feel like a cheater by being with a MM..

 

How does one recover from the guilt? Do I need to apologize to her? I know she has been hurt, but I don't feel sorry for her, and that bothers me. I do, however feel sorry for the kids.. Sorry for babbling.. Stella

[jwi71]

There is nothing you can do or say. Your best and only hope is to go NC.

 

And this means quitting your job. I know you won't.

 

I also know you will regret it.

 

Oh, one last thing - you haven't seen or heard the last from her.

 

Or your MM.

 

Your best option, go NC, quit your job and disappear from their lives.

 

As for the guilt, it will always sting - the degree of which lessens with time and inner contemplation.

[Susmay]

Hello, My D-day was 3 weeks ago. I recently recieved a very nasty e-mail from the BS. I have not responded..Should I? I realize that I deserved to get a bashing..but..it still hurts.. I wish I could post the e-mail, but that would be TMI..I am single..yet I feel like a cheater by being with a MM..

 

How does one recover from the guilt? Do I need to apologize to her? I know she has been hurt, but I don't feel sorry for her, and that bothers me. I do, however feel sorry for the kids.. Sorry for babbling.. Stella

 

First I'm a BW myself and also sent an e-mail to the OW. It was critical of her but not abusive; and expressed my devastation and hurt. I also told her she was not the only one, as apparently she thought she had been.

 

She responded. She said something like she regretted pursuing her desire for intimacy with a married man, and apologized to me and our kids for her part in the affair. She also said she would not contact my H again.

 

This would have been difficult for her, but was probably the best thing she could have done. She did not otherwise try to justify her actions or blame him, or me. If you could manage something like this then it will maintain your own dignity in the situation. Another option is to ignore her but she may not easily go away.

 

If you respond in a rude manner yourself, then you and she could get into a nasty argument that leaves you both even more "bitter and twisted". [This is just an expression not an indication that I think you are this way]

[crazycatlady]

Personal experience...I want to confront her, I've tried to confront her, I've been ignored - which actually is turning out to be a good thing for us but is neither here nor there. It irritates me she will not at least respond with even an I'm sorry.

 

That said, I'm not being abusive, I'm not doing it in anger. I am trying to save my relationship with her, or I was, I'm getting to the point of screw it. But only because of who his OW just happens to be.

 

If she is being abusive on the messages I would not respond. Or if I did I would simply say I'm sorry (because you have expressed that you are sorry) and leave it at that. If you are willing to talk if she is rational and non-abusive, let her know that as well. Otherwise either ignore, or keep it simple with a gentle simple apology.

 

You (in general, not you Stella) never have the right to be abusive to another person, even if they did f*** your husband. It never hurts to be polite and it generally makes you the better person for remaining polite in the face of great hurt. That said, it does seem a lot of BSes don't take the high road there....I wonder if its a little bit of guilt that they too might have had a slight cause to the A from their own actions....But that's speculation on my part there.

 

Hang in there Stella.

 

CCL

[GreenEyedLady]

Hello, My D-day was 3 weeks ago. I recently recieved a very nasty e-mail from the BS. I have not responded..Should I? I realize that I deserved to get a bashing..but..it still hurts.. I wish I could post the e-mail, but that would be TMI..I am single..yet I feel like a cheater by being with a MM..

 

How does one recover from the guilt? Do I need to apologize to her? I know she has been hurt, but I don't feel sorry for her, and that bothers me. I do, however feel sorry for the kids.. Sorry for babbling.. Stella

 

Stella,

 

I am so glad I didn't have to deal with this. Deal with her the way YOU think you should deal with her.

 

If you email her don't make any justifications. Say your piece and then put it to rest. She won't believe you anyway. You should really go look at Surviving Infidelity and you'll understand what I mean.

 

You don't have to feel anything you don't feel. I can guarantee she doesn't feel sorry for you.

 

Unfortunately, this is one of those life situations that just sucks no matter where you are in the triangle. My best advice is don't engage her and block her email. That's what I would have done if I were in your shoes.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

I agree that if you want to respond to her, do so without any justifications or rationalizations - leave that to her.

 

If you wish to address her nastiness, just say you understand that she is lashing out at you in her pain - and leave it at that. I know its tempting to respond in kind, but it is never worth it.

 

I don't recommend that you take what is seen on SI as some kind of indication of how ALL BWs are. I tried posting there for a few weeks, and couldn't make a go of it. I honestly feel that they encourage the bitterness that is stereotypical to BWs. Same with that site for OWs. They encourage stereotypical viewing of all the players in the A.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would respond to her. I would let her know what I am sorry for her pain, but that I won't allow myself to be used as a punching bag beyond the initial contact. And I say initial, because it seems to be a theme for many BWs that the contact doesn't stop until they feel satisfied that they understand everything (when they place a lot of blame on the OW, and depending on who the OW is to that BW).

 

Either way, don't do anything that impedes your healing and getting on with your life with them and the A in your rearview mirror.

[Got it]

Stella,

 

I have been contacted by the BW after dday. Some of the emails were harsh but, I viewed, as quite off base in the assumptions about my relationship and the events of things.

 

Many times my mind raced through responses ranging from apologetic, to critical, to questions, but at the end of my ruminations I realized there is NOTHING I can say that would probably defend myself, there is nothing she can tell me that I needed answers to and the "version" of me that she saw is not a full picture of me and would not be altered.

 

So the best option was silence. My job was not to answer her questions or bring her solace. This was MM's responsibility. Anything I would have done would have fanned the flames.

 

And now that he is separated I am very happy I didn't response. I could not have controled her responses and so would not have been able to predict where things had gone and knew they may not have boded well for the future.

 

I did what I did. I own it. I live with the consequences of it. I have dealt with my guilt, anger, fear, etc.

 

I do not recommend responding, what can you say that will make it better?

[jj33]

How about "Im sorry for the pain Ive caused your family"

 

and then BLOCK her emails (or mark them as spam so they dont show up in your inbox).

 

Alternative is to say nothing as she has been so abusive. But one short line may be the right thing to do. Saying "your family" may sit better with you as its truer to how you feel about it.

[Susmay]

How about "Im sorry for the pain Ive caused your family"

 

and then BLOCK her emails (or mark them as spam so they dont show up in your inbox).

 

Alternative is to say nothing as she has been so abusive. But one short line may be the right thing to do. Saying "your family" may sit better with you as its truer to how you feel about it.

 

 

I agree. I said something similar before.

[White Flower]

I agree that if you want to respond to her, do so without any justifications or rationalizations - leave that to her.

 

If you wish to address her nastiness, just say you understand that she is lashing out at you in her pain - and leave it at that. I know its tempting to respond in kind, but it is never worth it.

 

I don't recommend that you take what is seen on SI as some kind of indication of how ALL BWs are. I tried posting there for a few weeks, and couldn't make a go of it. I honestly feel that they encourage the bitterness that is stereotypical to BWs. Same with that site for OWs. They encourage stereotypical viewing of all the players in the A.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would respond to her. I would let her know what I am sorry for her pain, but that I won't allow myself to be used as a punching bag beyond the initial contact. And I say initial, because it seems to be a theme for many BWs that the contact doesn't stop until they feel satisfied that they understand everything (when they place a lot of blame on the OW, and depending on who the OW is to that BW).

 

Either way, don't do anything that impedes your healing and getting on with your life with them and the A in your rearview mirror.

NID said just what I would have said.

 

Sometimes I wonder, for curiosity's sake, if it would be good just for the women to get together and compare notes only for the verification of certain feelings (as in intuition). But it would take two really open-minded women to be able to handle that. I'm sure in your case, since she's still very angry, that ain't gonna happen.

[Fallen Angel]

If I were wearing your shoes, I would not engage with her at all.

 

That site she uses pushes her to do things that make you feel bad. Any kind of apology you send will be broadcast out there and ridiculed. just block her. Engaging with her is a waste of your time, and as a valuable person, your time is also valuable. ((hugs))

[Ella whispers]

I agree w/ FA and the rest.

I wouldn't respond at all.

Sometimes leaving things unsaid or undone is the best option.

Good luck to you.

[OWoman]

Whatever her reasons, she's acting abusively, and that's not something you need. Let her find another target - you have enough to deal with without being some kind of punch bag for her.

 

Take care of YOURSELF, and let her and her H take care of their issues.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[EyesOpened]

I would say there really is nothing you can say that will make her feel better about the situation. Saying you are sorry, (whether you are or not) will mean nothing to her I'm guessing. Correct me if I'm wrong here BS's out there but I would venture a guess to say that the email was more of her just needing to say her piece and get her anger off her chest. A response may just cause her more pain. Just my opnion though.

[whichwayisup]

Put her on block that way you can't read anymore emails.

 

She's angry and lashing out, rightfully so. This is what happens when affairs are exposed..And, one never knows how they're going to react, let alone have to deal with infidelity until it happens to them.. Guess it's part of the fallout, a consquence of being busted.