tell me it works out sometimes

[RaeRae30]

First off I'm sorry I don't know all these abbreviations. I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost a year. We work together and spend many hours a day together. Our affair is very public, my family knows him well and almost all of our co workers know about us. We spend birthdays and some time on holidays together. He texts me from the minute he gets up and until he goes to sleep. He will answer my calls even if he is with his wife. He spends tons of time at my house. He bought me a promise ring. There are pics of us at different functions all over the internet. She knows who I am and he talks about me to her. My question is why won't he leave her?!? Is he waiting until she finds out and if so should I help her find out? I'm sure I sound like a fool and maybe I am but I do love him. I don't have any interest in having another relationship. I have been married and divorced twice and I didn't ever expect to be in a situation like this. Sorry it's a long post for my first post but I feel really alone here. No one gets what it's like to be in this kind of relationship. Thanks to anyone for your responses!

[califnan]

Sounds like he loves you very much - as he seems to manage spending time and communicating with you - over and above the expectations of other MM / OW relationships ..

 

It wouldn't be good if you added to the wife's hurt by telling her ... sounds like there is a possibility that he is already flaunting you at her enough ..

 

Try to remember that the marriage is sacred in the eyes of God .. If you ever managed to get him away from her, it is likely that your relationship would not be blessed - and that he would have regrets over leaving his wife, and to the extent of comparing the two of you, etc..

 

The life of the OW can be an empty and unfulfilled life.. I wish you the best if you are ever able to break free..

[NoIDidn't]

I can't speak to whether he loves the OP (original poster) or not, but its clear he has absolutely no respect for his W (wife) or M (marriage).

 

It does work out sometimes. But would you really want a man that could so publicly do this in his own marriage? I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is always true. A lot of times, it already was true - just the BS (betrayed spouse) didn't know the cheating past. But I do believe that past behavior does clue one in to future behavior.

 

This is highly disrespectful behavior on his part. I would be horrified. I'd rather be a little more discreet than the false look of it not being an affair. His not leaving, or even showing any indication of leaving seems to say its just an affair to him. JMO. (Just my opinion)

[boogieboy]

He will never leave her, it rarely happens. Its too expensive and too much of a hassle to divorce. Plus, youre not leaving him anyway, so he doesnt have to.

 

You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. If he is still hanging around his wife, then he's not leaving her.

 

Also, if you tell her, he will probably stop talking to you for ruining his life. He will lose his house, half of his assets and have to explain you to his kids why mommy is sad.

 

You are in a no win situation, he wont leave her as long as you stay with him. He is happy the way things are now. Go find someone who isnt married.

[jennie-jennie]

There is something inside him that is not done with the marriage. And might never be done with the marriage. This does not mean he does not love you, it just means something still holds him there.

 

There is nothing you can do about it. He has to solve this on his own. He wouldn't be more done if you told his wife about you two. He wouldn't be more done by an ultimatum from you. He wouldn't be more done if you went NC (no contact) with him.

 

So your choice is whether you find it worthwhile or not to be in the kind of relationship he is offering you TODAY. Not in the future, today.

 

Are the pros greater than the cons today? If the relationship ended tomorrow, would you be okay with that and still want to be in the relationship today? In short, would you find it worthwhile to be the other woman even if he would never leave his wife?

[TaraMaiden]

in the eyes of God .. If you ever managed to get him away from her, it is likely that your relationship would not be blessed

 

Oh puh-leeze....!

 

I hardly think either of them really give a flying phukk... if thery're having an open affair, with adulterous sexual intercourse on an habitual basis, and where so many people seem completely aware of it (bar the one person who should be!) then I really doubt very much whether either of them have ever given a thought to having their marriage blessed....

Like a religious factor is going to make a ha'p'orth of difference to her way of thinking!

 

Unfortunately, Rae, you're in the classic situation of him having both his cake and eating it.

A wife at home who is faithful, constant and apparently oblivious, and a willing fresh mistress who gives him the attention, love and flattery he requires. What more could he want?

Why on earth would he put himself through the emotional and financial upheaval of divorcing his wife, when everything is so cool exactly as it is?

"If it ain't broke, why fix it?"

 

He's got exactly what he wants - a cushy little number.

 

All you have to decide, is precisely what jennie-jennie came up with.

Is this good enough now?

Is this as you want it, now?

because, (and here's the thing people don't get...)

It's always going to be "Now"....

 

This will not change.

Because only you want that.

Not him.

So, that there's your only way to look at it.

 

Put up and shut up - or cut your losses and leave?

 

That is all it boils down to.

[torranceshipman]

He sounds like an extremely cruel man if he flaunts an A with another woman in front of his W's face, and he is humiliating her in the eyes of all the friends and colleagues that know about you.

 

He is completely demeaning you both - on purpose - as he is setting you and his W up to be clearly 'below' him/'subservient' to him, in the eyes of everyone - you as a woman being openly flaunted as a mistress, who is obediently taking only what he chooses to give you, without complaint (makes him feel like a big man, I am sure). He clearly needs validation from other people to feel like the man. Similarly he is setting the W up as a 'she's not enough to satisfy me' figure, who 'he doesn't hide the A from, because she loves me, she's not going anywhere, I'm that good, she puts up with it'. Bet he feels like the big player. I wonder if he is having a midlife crisis.

 

That's clearly not the way he sells the situation to you, of course, but that's the way it is. This guy sounds really horrible and I predict a 'being thrown under the bus' moment in the not too distant future. He really is a big lowlife and you need to try and get some distance to this situation so you can see it a bit more objectively.

 

Clearly he is good to his W and lies about the A - believe me you are just 'a friend' when he talks to the W (probably 'a friend who has a huge crush on him and wants more' type of friend-see how that gets him out of trouble with her when she sees your photos?). The final nail in the coffin: he's been with you plenty long enough to know he has you, that you will be there for him, yet he still chooses NOT to leave his M, to keep his W and keep hiding you, so no, he isn't leaving.

[OWoman]

If you ever managed to get him away from her, it is likely that your relationship would not be blessed - and that he would have regrets over leaving his wife, and to the extent of comparing the two of you, etc..

 

This is balderdash! My H left his xW for me and he's never had a moment of regret! He's not the kind to make comparisons, but I'm not sure why the woman who "won" would need to fear comparisons anyway? This not only makes no logical sense, it also flies in the face of lived experience.

 

Now, back to the OP...

 

First off I'm sorry I don't know all these abbreviations. I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost a year. We work together and spend many hours a day together. Our affair is very public, my family knows him well and almost all of our co workers know about us. We spend birthdays and some time on holidays together. He texts me from the minute he gets up and until he goes to sleep. He will answer my calls even if he is with his wife. He spends tons of time at my house. He bought me a promise ring. There are pics of us at different functions all over the internet. She knows who I am and he talks about me to her. My question is why won't he leave her?!? Is he waiting until she finds out and if so should I help her find out? I'm sure I sound like a fool and maybe I am but I do love him. I don't have any interest in having another relationship. I have been married and divorced twice and I didn't ever expect to be in a situation like this. Sorry it's a long post for my first post but I feel really alone here. No one gets what it's like to be in this kind of relationship. Thanks to anyone for your responses!

 

 

Rae, there are some similarities here between your A and my last one, including how public it is, how your MM prioritises contact with you, etc. But your A has lasted under a year so far - while mine lasted several, before we got together full-time (we're now married).

 

Unlike those who see his openness about the A as a sign of disrespect and a bad omen of things to come, I see it - as I saw it in mine - as a sign that he values and respects YOU, that he chooses to show people how proud he is to be with you, that he does not want to keep you hidden like some guilty secret. Perhaps, indeed, he does have little respect for his wife - and perhaps she deserves that, who knows - but his treatment of her is no indication of his future treatment of her. My father and mother did not treat each other well, but my father has treated his second wife with nothing but love and respect in the decades they've been together since. Their dynamic need not be YOUR dynamic - there are two people involved, after all.

 

On the "why won't he leave" issue - there are many possible answers to this. Have you asked him? Does he know that you want him to leave, that you want to be an exclusive couple without her in the wings? Has he told you that he wants, or intends, to leave her?

 

Your thread title says, "tell me it works out sometimes". It does, and I'm one of those for whom it did work out. There are some others on this site, too. One of the things those As had in common was that the MMs treated the OWs as yours is treating you - openly, not hidden, choosing to spend time with her, etc. I'm not saying that yours WILL work out - there's a good deal more to it than that - but I'm not going to tell you that these things never work out, either - because sometimes they do.

[OWoman]

I can't speak to whether he loves the OP (original poster) or not, but its clear he has absolutely no respect for his W (wife) or M (marriage).

 

It does work out sometimes. But would you really want a man that could so publicly do this in his own marriage? I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is always true. A lot of times, it already was true - just the BS (betrayed spouse) didn't know the cheating past. But I do believe that past behavior does clue one in to future behavior.

 

This is highly disrespectful behavior on his part. I would be horrified. I'd rather be a little more discreet than the false look of it not being an affair. His not leaving, or even showing any indication of leaving seems to say its just an affair to him. JMO. (Just my opinion)

 

Damned if you do, and damned if you don't!

 

If a MM chooses NOT to flaunt his OW, then she's "a dirty little secret", he's "ashamed" or "guilty" and doesn't wish to be seen with her, she's just "some side dish" to amuse him before he goes home to the "love of his life"... ....

 

... but if he does court the OW openly, if he doesn't keep her hidden - then he's "disrespectful", he's "cruel", "demeaning", "horrible"...

 

It's clearly "heads I win, tails you lose" against the OW on this one.

 

When I read back on the comments on my old posts on here, I was told the exact same thing:

 

"he's got you exactly where he wants you. He can have his cake and eat it. He will never leave"....

 

and yet he did. He proved all the naysayers wrong and showed that sometimes - just sometimes - MMs do have honour and integrity and do follow through with what they promise, and that sometimes what they tell - and SHOW - to the OW is actually the truth and not some contortion of lies to serve their own self-interest.

[Pink_orchid]

I think your best bet is to end this affair. His real feelings for you will only surface if he loses you because as others have said why would he change anything at the moment? He's having a great time without having to do anything or man up and chose who he wants to be with, therefore avoiding all the pain and expense of a divorce, which is leaving you on a string.

 

My situation was a bit like that. I have just gone NC (requested NO CONTACT), and yes it's absolutely awful, but I want him to miss me and realise that it's me he wants to be with, I know my MM has a very rocky marriage, he's emotionally very confused and kept blowing hot and cold, the guilt was tremendous for him. And it probably is for yours. In your case and mine, there was obviously something missing with the marriage in the first place or they wouldn't have looked outside of it. So it could work out, but I do not think he's going to change anything (split with the wife for you) while everything he wants is on a plate.

 

If you can tell him that you love him and that what you want is him to be free for you two to be in a proper relationship and then after you've done that, remove yourself from the situation, it will give him a taste of life without you. I know you work together, that's a hard one, but you could use it to your advantage, always looking great, happy, and cool even though you don't feel it... and it might drive him crazy. I would think that's your best chance of it working out. I KNOW it's very very hard to end it, I am going through a bad time myself (read my thread!) but I really think I needed to do it for my MM to sort his feelings out and have chance to miss me. And my wish like you is to have him, if he comes back it will be a wait I know, but I want him to come back when he's FREE and available. And if he doesn't, then I know I didn't settle for second best. I'm not 'waiting' although I am finding it incredibly hard not to contact him, in my head it's 'over' and I'm open to meeting someone new or going on dates or whatever.

 

I would NOT tell the wife, I don't think it would help. She sounds like she might know anyway unless she is blind. It seems as though there are enough clues for her. I think she sounds like one of the 'turn a blind eye and hope it will go away' types. It won't endear him to you either to cause him all that stress, nor will it give anyone else a very high opinion of you. It seems like a magic solution to spill the beans but it isn't. He has to WANT to be with you, not have his wife leave him because his mistress dropped him in it. He may well even work on the marriage again out of guilt if you did that, as I presume the wife would be upset. You can force him to make a choice and face reality but not that way, and I think not being his mistress any more is the best way.

 

And sorry for your pain... you're not alone... hope my words have been a little bit of food for thought. It's helping me to write on here to process my own situation and thoughts!!

Edited March 24, 2010 by Pink_orchid

[Pink_orchid]

Sorry for the additional post... ! I just thought of something. I know someone who did it, ring the wife. After the MM flip flopped about and she got fed up she rang the wife and told her about the affair. He went ballistic and said he'd never speak to her again and he loved his wife, how could she be so horrible etc... and that was that. My friend was heartbroken and wished she hadn't done it.

 

BUT, BUT, six months later... he contacted my friend again. He had seen her unexpectedly somewhere and he realised he still had feelings for her. The outcome was, he DID leave the marriage, and he married my friend, they have two kids and have been happily together 15 years. So it DOES work out. But only because the man had that time away from my friend. He had missed her and realised he loved her.

[TaraMaiden]

Our affair is very public, my family knows him well and almost all of our co workers know about us. We spend birthdays and some time on holidays together. He texts me from the minute he gets up and until he goes to sleep. He will answer my calls even if he is with his wife. He spends tons of time at my house. He bought me a promise ring. There are pics of us at different functions all over the internet. She knows who I am and he talks about me to her. My question is why won't he leave her?!? Is he waiting until she finds out and if so should I help her find out?

 

I have to say, this particular passage makes no sense - and a whole lot of sense.

First of all, that this affair is so public, so overt, so "in your face" - and his wife still doesn't know about it, and is waiting to find out - is simply breathtakingly unbelievable.

 

Two things are the only possibilities:

one, that she is complete, total and utter denial, and refuses to yank her head from under the blankets and see it for herself, or two: she is a tacit, willing and compliant partner, who also enjoys her husband's 'favours' between the sheets, and is happy to see him happy, because whilst he is happy - and with her -she is happy too.

my second point is this: - most affairs are conducted in secret. There are secret meetings, illicit couplings, nobody else knows, other than maybe a very select few in whom (usually) the woman needs to confide in, for moral support.

This is a great big, public, open, approved and much flaunted affair. Everybody who is anybody, seems to know about it, and goes along with it.

this is not your usual, run-of-the-mill affair.

 

Like I said:

he's absolutely completely happy in the way things are.

 

So, OWoman, whilst I see your arguments and train of thought - does this not strike you as being outside the norm?

Is there not something distinctly odd about all of this?

[OWoman]

So, OWoman, whilst I see your arguments and train of thought - does this not strike you as being outside the norm?

Is there not something distinctly odd about all of this?

 

No, it doesn't. It sounds very familiar to me. It's exactly what I lived.

[jennie-jennie]

Unfortunately, Rae, you're in the classic situation of him having both his cake and eating it.

A wife at home who is faithful, constant and apparently oblivious, and a willing fresh mistress who gives him the attention, love and flattery he requires. What more could he want?

Why on earth would he put himself through the emotional and financial upheaval of divorcing his wife, when everything is so cool exactly as it is?

"If it ain't broke, why fix it?"

 

He's got exactly what he wants - a cushy little number.

 

For some MM what Tara writes is true, for others being in an affair is painful, tearing them in two directions, making them depressed. Depression is actually the classic symptom of the MM torn between marriage and the extramarital relationship.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My question is why won't he leave her?!?

 

Because he doesn't have to. Why would he? He gets to be with you, and he gets to avoid a costly divorce.

[BB07]

To the OP.........what are the reasons he tells you that he is staying in the marriage?

[bentnotbroken]

Seems like he and the wife are good with their relationship, either you get on board or get off the ride.

[silktricks]

Of course it works out sometimes. Will it work out for you? No one can know that. In my opinion (for what that's worth ) it sounds like you are a priority with him. But, BB07 asked a really important question: Why does he say he doesn't leave his wife? What is he saying to you about the future? Talk is cheap, and words don't necessarily mean much - but usually they do mean something.

 

It sounds to me like you are on a ride, though. It may end well for you, or it may not. But either way, it's up to you when and if you want to get off.

[scatterd]

If he wants you so bad why does is wife not know?I would tell her.

[OWoman]

If he wants you so bad why does is wife not know?

 

There are many possible reasons for this. If Rae has asked him this, she may have an answer... or we can just speculate. It could be:

 

* that he is working towards a managed exit - getting everything in order before he can leave

* that he doesn't know that Rae wants him full-time, that he thinks she's happy with the way things are, that he worries that if he makes a change - by leaving - he might upset the applecart

* that his W does know, but would rather have part of him than nothing, and has guilt-tripped him into staying

* that he is a "split-self" and riven with internal conflicts about what would be best, to do - and doesn't want to jeopardise anything before he knows in his own mind what would be best

* that it suits him fine to have things this way, so he has no need to tell her

* that he's tried to tell her, but she's blocking her ears and refusing to "hear"

* that it's all just happened too fast - it's less than a year - and his head is still trying to catch up with his heart to make sense of it all...

* that he didn't intend this to happen, that he feels he lacks agency to make anything conclusive happen, one way or another, so he's hoping she will just find out without him telling her, and will make the decision for him

* that, frankly, he doesn't care whether she knows or not - he's already checked out of the M, and his body will follow his heart sooner or later

* that he has an open M

* that his W has her own outside interests

* that obligations are keeping him there - for now

* that he hasn't thought it through properly yet

 

.... etc, etc, etc.

 

I would tell her.

 

I wouldn't.

[ADF]

In the overwhelming majority of cases like yours, the MM will end up dumping the OW and staying with his wife. Not because he neccesarily cares more for his wife, but because staying with her is so much easier.

 

Think about it. Right now, your MM is getting the best of both worlds. He has the stability his marriage offers, plus you on the side. Why would he ever want to change that? If he felt pressed to change it, divorce would mean massive legal fees and possible financial ruin. The consequences of ending it with you would be almost zero.

 

In the end, which do you think he's more likely to pick?

 

Keep another thing in mind: a man who is capable of carrying on a secret affair is, by definition, pretty good at deception. Consider taht he may not be the most honest, trustworthy guy in the world.

 

I really don't know why people put themselves in these situations.

[whichwayisup]

First off I'm sorry I don't know all these abbreviations.

 

OW/OM-other woman, other man.

BS/BW/BH-betrayed spouse, betrayed wife, betrayed husband.

WS/CS- wandering spouse, cheating spouse

MM/MW-married man, married woman.

D-Day -Discovery day of the affair.

 

I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost a year. We work together and spend many hours a day together. Our affair is very public, my family knows him well and almost all of our co workers know about us. We spend birthdays and some time on holidays together. He texts me from the minute he gets up and until he goes to sleep. He will answer my calls even if he is with his wife. He spends tons of time at my house. He bought me a promise ring. There are pics of us at different functions all over the internet. She knows who I am and he talks about me to her.

 

So, you expect him to give up his whole life, the history he has with his wife, friends, family, inlaws, the works for you - A woman he's had an affair with for a year? It isn't going to happen..

 

Yes, she may know who you are, but she has NO idea he's cheating. She probably trusts him and he's made it seem like you two are JUST friends, cool collegues who hangout and have fun - No big deal. He's minimized you to her..

 

How can he give you a promise ring when he's married already? To me, that screams keeping you in tow, keeping you hooked on him, giving you hope for a future, when infact, he has NO intention of divorcing his wife. He's totally fine with you on the side and staying married. He has two women to meet all his needs and gotten used to it, why on earth would he give one of you up when he can have two??? Think about that. It's selfish and all about him.

 

My question is why won't he leave her?!? Is he waiting until she finds out and if so should I help her find out?

 

He won't leave her because he doesn't want to. Even if she finds out, chances are slim to none that they will divorce, even more so if they have kids and a pretty good marriage.

 

He isn't unhappy in his marriage. He just is plain selfish and wants what he wants - TWO women..A wife at home and a woman on the side. It's that simple.

 

Now, IF you choose to tell her, be prepared for the fallout. There's a big chance he will throw you under the bus, minimize the A even more and make it seem like you are the crazy one who won't leave him alone, that you chased him. Since he is capable of lying and deceiving his wife, don't fool yourself into thinking he can't do the same to you!

 

I bet he tells you that he doesn't have sex with her, right? Or that she ignores him, blah blah blah...

I'm sure I sound like a fool and maybe I am but I do love him.

 

Take the blinders off and take a step back. Really think about this. If this was your bestfriend, or your sister, or your daughter in this situation, what advice would you give them? How would you see things? Now, apply that to yourself.

 

I don't have any interest in having another relationship.

 

So, you'll settle to be second fiddle? OFcourse you have no interest in anyone else or another relationship..You love this MM and right now he is it.

 

Just know that IF you choose to end it, you will heal and be OK.

[TaraMaiden]

No, it doesn't. It sounds very familiar to me. It's exactly what I lived.

That's my point. This isn't normally the way things evolve, is it?

The whole point of calling it an affair, is that it's a secret, illicit, behind-closed-doors relationship.

It sounds to me as if it is entirely possible that he and his wife have a more open relationship than the OP suspects.

 

An affair is how she sees it.

he and his wife may not share the same viewpoint....

[her_halo_slipped]

Oh puh-leeze....!

 

IAll you have to decide, is precisely what jennie-jennie came up with.

Is this good enough now?

Is this as you want it, now?

because, (and here's the thing people don't get...)

It's always going to be "Now"....

 

This will not change.

Because only you want that.

Not him.

So, that there's your only way to look at it.

 

Put up and shut up - or cut your losses and leave?

 

That is all it boils down to.

 

What a great post Tara. I couldn't agree with you more!

[bestplayer]

First off I'm sorry I don't know all these abbreviations. I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost a year. We work together and spend many hours a day together. Our affair is very public, my family knows him well and almost all of our co workers know about us. We spend birthdays and some time on holidays together. He texts me from the minute he gets up and until he goes to sleep. He will answer my calls even if he is with his wife. He spends tons of time at my house. He bought me a promise ring. There are pics of us at different functions all over the internet. She knows who I am and he talks about me to her. My question is why won't he leave her?!? Is he waiting until she finds out and if so should I help her find out? I'm sure I sound like a fool and maybe I am but I do love him. I don't have any interest in having another relationship. I have been married and divorced twice and I didn't ever expect to be in a situation like this. Sorry it's a long post for my first post but I feel really alone here. No one gets what it's like to be in this kind of relationship. Thanks to anyone for your responses!

 

well , he will not leave his wife because he can keep a mistress without leaving his wife .