on to a new thread...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

thank you for all of the responses on my last thread. good, bad, indifferent. it has given me TONS to think about.

 

as far as making a choice, this is how i view it.

 

1. MM - hes not a choice for me right now or possibly ever. i couldnt consider it until the divorce is final and no chance of him ever going back. even then...i still dont know if i could ever forgive, forget, trust. im marking this one out.

 

2. H - this is the best option for me. what I am attempting to do. but in reality its not working that great. i think i will stick with this choice and try my hardest until i feel i have given it all i can stand. because in my mind if theres even the slightest chance then its worth the struggle to get there.

 

3. no one - this will most likely be the end result. im ok with that. not what i want for my children at all. but over half of the children in this world survive this.

 

but that leads me to where my issues still lie and where theyve been the entire time. no matter what option i choose, i still have the thoughts of both men and am experiencing deep pain because of it.

 

NC. It is the answer right? but i havent been able to achieve this. i dont contact him at all and do not respond to his contact. i cannot quit my job. there are no other offers right now, and with the HUGE possibility of being a single mom i have to stay employed to be able to support myself and my children. so i do have to hear about him.

 

i dont see him at work anymore. but...he somehow seems to creep in. i can block his emails and texts. thats not really an issue as theres only been one. i can avoid people who know him, but eventually i will hear something or see him somewhere.

 

NC with H. i dont want it. it would defeat what im trying to achieve.

 

so how do i make myself not have feelings for this OM? how do i turn it off? i must admit that even though i didnt respond to his email it sent my head spinning. if i wouldnt have heard it from him, it would have eventually gotten back to me that he was divorcing and have the same effect.

 

so how do you force yourself to get over someone? how do you turn it off and make your heart not feel it?

 

(and moving far away isnt an option either. both of our families are here, H is here, i couldnt take the kids from him)

[jwi71]

but that leads me to where my issues still lie and where theyve been the entire time. no matter what option i choose, i still have the thoughts of both men and am experiencing deep pain because of it.

Yup...here's your problem. You still WANT/PINE/LOVE/THINK ABOUT both men. But you can't have both anymore. You MUST choose one of your options (which I agree with btw): the OM, your H or no one. YOU must choose. Failure to do so leaves you here. Wanna know why your life is stuck...you AREN'T moving. Still cannot decide. Still cannot choose. So you spin in circles uncertain of your direction. Pick. Or do not.

 

In one of my first replies to you months ago I told you to pick and you must do so now. It still holds true. You pick one option and you throw caution to the wind and go for it.

 

NC. It is the answer right? but i havent been able to achieve this. i dont contact him at all and do not respond to his contact. i cannot quit my job. there are no other offers right now, and with the HUGE possibility of being a single mom i have to stay employed to be able to support myself and my children. so i do have to hear about him.

Lovely. Here we get all the things you CAN'T do. How you can't quit...how you can't go NC...how you CAN'T demonstrate (in drastic action) you want your H TO your H. Given all the stuff you "can't" do...no wonder your stuck.

 

Let me ask you this...after your D is final (its coming), do you think your work environment will be any better? DO you think these issues of your OM creeping in your life will go away? How do you propose to handle it then?

 

i dont see him at work anymore. but...he somehow seems to creep in. i can block his emails and texts. thats not really an issue as theres only been one. i can avoid people who know him, but eventually i will hear something or see him somewhere.

Then that's the price you pay. If you CAN'T change it, find a coping skill.

 

NC with H. i dont want it. it would defeat what im trying to achieve.

Exactly what are you trying to achieve?

Because all I see is a WS doing NOTHING to save the M...oh, you TALK the good talk but what do you actually do? Can you list out the overt and verifiable ACTIONS you have done to prove to your H you are worth a second chance (in his eyes)? OR is the only action "talking to your H" (and he shouldn't trust your words - I suspect he doesn't) and you moved out (where he envisions your OM over at will).

 

It boils down to actions. Forget your words and his. What ACTIONS have YOU done?

 

so how do i make myself not have feelings for this OM? how do i turn it off? i must admit that even though i didnt respond to his email it sent my head spinning. if i wouldnt have heard it from him, it would have eventually gotten back to me that he was divorcing and have the same effect.

Time and space. Sadly, you choose to NOT create the space. The same way you recover from other loves.

 

so how do you force yourself to get over someone? how do you turn it off and make your heart not feel it?

Well...lets think about option one. If you love your OM (and you do)...why not file for D and try and build a REAL R with him? Why not slowly begin to work on the trust issues, date and see what develops. Why "get over him"? Do a 180 and move TOWARDS him. But there's a problem isn't there.

 

You would have to D your H and you aren't WILLING to commit to that either. Man, its getting old typing that. So - you gotta pick a course of action and run with it...no matter your choice you're taking a risk.

 

Basically BEG...you're Hamlet. And, as a reminder, it didn't end so great for him, Queen Gertrude, Polonious, Claudius and a few others I can't remember when Hamlet couldn't CHOOSE to kill or not not kill Claudius.

 

Choose.

Or not.

You are making this SO hard on yourself. Needlessly.

 

Let me share MY choice. And yes, I paid a HEAVY price for it.

After I learned my xWW had secretly resumed contact with her OM...I faced a choice. Now, I had just eaten a 90K pay cut, was building our dream house and drove a 100k Porsche 911. I could stay in the M, and keep all those material things because of my WW's salary. I would have all the trappings and comforts and maybe slavage the M - or pretend to.

 

Or.

 

I could leave. And in so doing, lose my car, the house, half my possessions, half the savings, lose time with my two under 5 kids...basically, lose everything I worked for in my life.

 

I thought about it for maybe a day.

 

I filed for D. And yes, I lost my car. And the house I never set foot in. And I see my kids only 50% of the time. And the emotional turmoil led me to get laid off and go on unemployment. And I lost about 90k CASH. All I did was lose. Some of the darkest days of my life.

 

Not so motivational is it? Not really helping you? But wait.

 

I gained something SO precious I would lose it all again.

 

PEACE.

 

I moved into a small 2 bedroom cheap apartment, gained acceptance into a PhD program (Accounting) and went back to school. Took out loans (yeah 30K in debt...no, not really yeah). And begin to rebuild. Went to therapy...sent my kids...dealt with one angry bitter WS (still do)...It took almost 18 months.

 

And now...

 

Just landed a sweet job two days ago. Have a nice 2 bedroom apartment now. Met a great woman who puts ME first and understands where I am emotionally. Its SO awesome to have someone be thoughtful TO me.

 

Peace and happiness.

 

BEG...you must choose. And no matter what you choose you will "lose". And its gonna suck. Nothing you can do to avoid that now.

Look, I told all this because I KNOW how hard it is to choose. But NOT choosing is WORSE. Not only that...you suffer during this indecisive phase and STILL must choose. You add misery of the indecision on top of suckiness of what you choose or have chosen for you.

 

No matter what...you have an even darker tunnel waiting for you. Like I said, no avoiding it now. So standing around dreading going through it only adds to the misery. Choose...and walk. Enter the tunnel (its gonna suck dear).

 

I promise you one thing...the tunnel will END. The sun again will shine on you. You WILL be happy. It may and will likely take months, years to get there.

 

Take a deep breath. Exhale. Pick.

If you pick the OM...max effort into it and start by filing for D.

If you pick your H...max effort and start by quitting.

If you pick neither...file AND quit.

Take your first scary tentative steps into the tunnel.

You'll make it through.

[califnan]

Just the fact that you have a job .. is almost everything.. This makes you an independent woman.

 

Why don't you let the two men fight it out IN THE SPIRIT .. You are trying hard for your husband and your marriage. Why don't you just relax and see what waits ahead. See which man wants you the most.

 

In the meantime, you could maybe busy yourself - on your offtime, with things you have wanted to do with your children, creative endeavors, etc.

[califnan]

Isaiah 41:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

 

MBEG: I would still carry on as you have been, but wait a little longer - and relax . .

[califnan]

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

 

MBEG: I would still carry on as you have been, but wait a little longer - and relax . .

 

(correction)

[Hazyhead]

Yup...here's your problem. You still WANT/PINE/LOVE/THINK ABOUT both men. But you can't have both anymore. You MUST choose one of your options (which I agree with btw): the OM, your H or no one. YOU must choose. Failure to do so leaves you here. Wanna know why your life is stuck...you AREN'T moving. Still cannot decide. Still cannot choose. So you spin in circles uncertain of your direction. Pick. Or do not.

 

In one of my first replies to you months ago I told you to pick and you must do so now. It still holds true. You pick one option and you throw caution to the wind and go for it.

 

Lovely. Here we get all the things you CAN'T do. How you can't quit...how you can't go NC...how you CAN'T demonstrate (in drastic action) you want your H TO your H. Given all the stuff you "can't" do...no wonder your stuck.

 

Let me ask you this...after your D is final (its coming), do you think your work environment will be any better? DO you think these issues of your OM creeping in your life will go away? How do you propose to handle it then?

 

Then that's the price you pay. If you CAN'T change it, find a coping skill.

 

Exactly what are you trying to achieve?

Because all I see is a WS doing NOTHING to save the M...oh, you TALK the good talk but what do you actually do? Can you list out the overt and verifiable ACTIONS you have done to prove to your H you are worth a second chance (in his eyes)? OR is the only action "talking to your H" (and he shouldn't trust your words - I suspect he doesn't) and you moved out (where he envisions your OM over at will).

 

It boils down to actions. Forget your words and his. What ACTIONS have YOU done?

 

Time and space. Sadly, you choose to NOT create the space. The same way you recover from other loves.

 

Well...lets think about option one. If you love your OM (and you do)...why not file for D and try and build a REAL R with him? Why not slowly begin to work on the trust issues, date and see what develops. Why "get over him"? Do a 180 and move TOWARDS him. But there's a problem isn't there.

 

You would have to D your H and you aren't WILLING to commit to that either. Man, its getting old typing that. So - you gotta pick a course of action and run with it...no matter your choice you're taking a risk.

 

Basically BEG...you're Hamlet. And, as a reminder, it didn't end so great for him, Queen Gertrude, Polonious, Claudius and a few others I can't remember when Hamlet couldn't CHOOSE to kill or not not kill Claudius.

 

Choose.

Or not.

You are making this SO hard on yourself. Needlessly.

 

Let me share MY choice. And yes, I paid a HEAVY price for it.

After I learned my xWW had secretly resumed contact with her OM...I faced a choice. Now, I had just eaten a 90K pay cut, was building our dream house and drove a 100k Porsche 911. I could stay in the M, and keep all those material things because of my WW's salary. I would have all the trappings and comforts and maybe slavage the M - or pretend to.

 

Or.

 

I could leave. And in so doing, lose my car, the house, half my possessions, half the savings, lose time with my two under 5 kids...basically, lose everything I worked for in my life.

 

I thought about it for maybe a day.

 

I filed for D. And yes, I lost my car. And the house I never set foot in. And I see my kids only 50% of the time. And the emotional turmoil led me to get laid off and go on unemployment. And I lost about 90k CASH. All I did was lose. Some of the darkest days of my life.

 

Not so motivational is it? Not really helping you? But wait.

 

I gained something SO precious I would lose it all again.

 

PEACE.

 

I moved into a small 2 bedroom cheap apartment, gained acceptance into a PhD program (Accounting) and went back to school. Took out loans (yeah 30K in debt...no, not really yeah). And begin to rebuild. Went to therapy...sent my kids...dealt with one angry bitter WS (still do)...It took almost 18 months.

 

And now...

 

Just landed a sweet job two days ago. Have a nice 2 bedroom apartment now. Met a great woman who puts ME first and understands where I am emotionally. Its SO awesome to have someone be thoughtful TO me.

 

Peace and happiness.

 

BEG...you must choose. And no matter what you choose you will "lose". And its gonna suck. Nothing you can do to avoid that now.

Look, I told all this because I KNOW how hard it is to choose. But NOT choosing is WORSE. Not only that...you suffer during this indecisive phase and STILL must choose. You add misery of the indecision on top of suckiness of what you choose or have chosen for you.

 

No matter what...you have an even darker tunnel waiting for you. Like I said, no avoiding it now. So standing around dreading going through it only adds to the misery. Choose...and walk. Enter the tunnel (its gonna suck dear).

 

I promise you one thing...the tunnel will END. The sun again will shine on you. You WILL be happy. It may and will likely take months, years to get there.

 

Take a deep breath. Exhale. Pick.

If you pick the OM...max effort into it and start by filing for D.

If you pick your H...max effort and start by quitting.

If you pick neither...file AND quit.

Take your first scary tentative steps into the tunnel.

You'll make it through.

 

An amazing post Jw.

 

mbeg, this might be a complete over-simplification, but does the fact that you post mainly on the Other Man/Woman board more than the Infidelity board maybe suggest that the primary relationship in your mind is your xOM one? That might be absolute nonsense so feel free to correct me.

 

Btw, I couldn't agree more with Jw.

[jennie-jennie]

An amazing post Jw.

 

mbeg, this might be a complete over-simplification, but does the fact that you post mainly on the Other Man/Woman board more than the Infidelity board maybe suggest that the primary relationship in your mind is your xOM one? That might be absolute nonsense so feel free to correct me.

 

Btw, I couldn't agree more with Jw.

 

I have noticed this to be true about some BSs as well. For example, I looked at the profile of one BS and every thread she had started was posted on the OM/OW forum. What does this mean in their case? That they are obsessed with the OW rather than dealing with the aftermath of infidelity?

 

Hazy, I believe MBEG has already explained why she posts mainly on the OM/OW forum. She is a WS after all, so I see nothing noteworthy with her posting primarily on the OM/OW forum, since she is dealing with the lingering of her emotions for the MM.

Edited February 27, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[RedDevil66]

JW, much respect to you, Great post, Great advice and good on your for having the courage to chose

I too lost a great business and home etc when my ex left.

I started over so many times and will never stop until I get it right.

 

MBEG, the ONLY way to get over this guy is to have no contact and that means to leave this job. It's impossible to heal when there is always the hue of someone around.

 

You need to take some actions somewhere and need to get off this fence.

No one at LS can offer any more great advice than they did, you just need to apply it now

[Crazyforhim]

Choose.

Or not.

You are making this SO hard on yourself. Needlessly.

 

Let me share MY choice. And yes, I paid a HEAVY price for it.

After I learned my xWW had secretly resumed contact with her OM...I faced a choice. Now, I had just eaten a 90K pay cut, was building our dream house and drove a 100k Porsche 911. I could stay in the M, and keep all those material things because of my WW's salary. I would have all the trappings and comforts and maybe slavage the M - or pretend to.

 

Or.

 

I could leave. And in so doing, lose my car, the house, half my possessions, half the savings, lose time with my two under 5 kids...basically, lose everything I worked for in my life.

 

I thought about it for maybe a day.

 

I filed for D. And yes, I lost my car. And the house I never set foot in. And I see my kids only 50% of the time. And the emotional turmoil led me to get laid off and go on unemployment. And I lost about 90k CASH. All I did was lose. Some of the darkest days of my life.

 

Not so motivational is it? Not really helping you? But wait.

 

I gained something SO precious I would lose it all again.

 

PEACE.

 

Take a deep breath. Exhale. Pick.

If you pick the OM...max effort into it and start by filing for D.

If you pick your H...max effort and start by quitting.

If you pick neither...file AND quit.

Take your first scary tentative steps into the tunnel.

You'll make it through.

 

Great post JW, probably the best I've read in awhile.

 

MBEG, personally I think you're struggling working on your M because your heart checked out when you fell in love with your MM and deep down that's where you really would be given the opportunity.

 

Once I fell hard for my MM, I knew I could never work on my M and give it an honest effort so I left. It wasn't fair to my H and it definitely wasn't helping my emotional state living with one person and loving someone else.

 

During this process I gave up a lot of material things, but like JW I found PEACE and that has been worth everything I gave up. I'm not with either man now, but I'm ok with that. MM says he's in the process of leaving, but I'm moving on and my heart is healing. I focus on my kids, my career and something I've been neglecting for a long time... ME!

 

So what did I choose? I didn't choose my H because my heart was too far gone and still loves MM. I couldn't choose MM because he isn't mine to truly choose at this point. So for now I chose ME and MY HEART. Leaving a M is painful, but finding peace and your true self is worth all the pain.

 

MBEG, I think if you really look deep down into your heart you know what you want. If it's your MM, you just have to start the D process. It's scary not knowing if he's even a true option or not, but if your heart is with him, the M will never work and you'll just prolong the pain. If it's you H, you'll have to leave your job and cut all contact to move on, but you may never really get over him 100%.

 

PM me is you want to talk. I think our stories are very similar.

[Hazyhead]

I have noticed this to be true about some BSs as well. For example, I looked at the profile of one BS and every thread she had started was posted on the OM/OW forum. What does this mean in their case? That they are obsessed with the OW rather than dealing with the aftermath of infidelity?

 

Hazy, I believe MBEG has already explained why she posts mainly on the OM/OW forum. She is a WS after all, so I see nothing noteworthy with her posting primarily on the OM/OW forum, since she is dealing with the lingering of her emotions for the MM.

 

Good point. I did think I was jumping to the wrong conclusion but thought it was worth throwing out there. Maybe.

[Samantha0905]

so how do you force yourself to get over someone? how do you turn it off and make your heart not feel it?

 

 

I think your focus is in the wrong place (not that mine isn't in the same place.) You probably can't turn the feelings off right away. Your only option is to not ACT on any of the feelings. As little contact as possible will be best if that is your main goal.

 

I know you say you can't quit your job, but are you even trying or just saying "I can't"? By this I mean are you actively seeking employment elsewhere? That's a start. You may find an even better job. Something tells me you don't want to let go. I don't mean that as a judgment. It's just an opinion.

 

I have noticed this to be true about some BSs as well. For example, I looked at the profile of one BS and every thread she had started was posted on the OM/OW forum. What does this mean in their case? That they are obsessed with the OW rather than dealing with the aftermath of infidelity?

 

Hazy, I believe MBEG has already explained why she posts mainly on the OM/OW forum. She is a WS after all, so I see nothing noteworthy with her posting primarily on the OM/OW forum, since she is dealing with the lingering of her emotions for the MM.

 

I agree. I read here mostly because I still have strong lingering feelings for my OM and I am interested in reading how OW/OM feel about their affairs. It's given me a lot of insight into his perspective. Some of the feelings are no fun to read, but since a lot of them seem to be in agreement I can assume a lot of OW/OM feel the same way. It's a nice view from their side of the equation.

[califnan]

MBEG; Have you asked yourself how you would like to see yourself in months - or even weeks to come. How would you be living happily?

 

Personally I don't consider the MM an option. I do take all of the posts into consideration and especially your love for both men - when I have asked you to wait to see how things turn out.. and to let the two men do some of the work.

 

Easily, I could say that you need to find yourself and disregard both men - one has hurt you in the past, one is hurting you now. And logically - it would seem that disregarding Both men would be best for you .. Would there be anything wrong with communicating with both men as to your feelings for each of them - and to tell them what You Want from life - but to still distance yourself from them physically (no dates). I am still so bothered about the way your husband talks to you - it doesn't seem he is trying to help with your relationship - you are just walking on cactus.

 

You can still wait to see how things turn out - and have just have an amicable relationship with both men.

 

And as for your job - I think it is Very important to your future.

[Spark1111]

Mbeg, when I seem to be incapable of making a decision with strong conviction, it is because I am lacking information!

 

And I am of the minority opinion in that NC has to be WANTED and adopted by you; which essentially means that YOU no longer care what the OM does or says, or the rumors that get back to you have little effect other than a small musing.

 

If you need more information about the potential of this relationship...than pursue it.

 

If you need more information about the possibility of your marriage reconnecting in a meaningful way...than pursue that.

 

If you need to reconnect with yourself to understand what you want...than please pursue that also.

 

You will decide when you are ready to, with conviction and fortitude knowing you are on the correct path for you!

 

And then jwi is so right...there will be peace in your heart.

[GreenEyedLady]

OP:

 

YOU are the common denominator here. Wherever you go, you're there. Whomever you're with, you're still there.

 

Why don't you fix what YOU need to fix?

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

OP:

 

YOU are the common denominator here. Wherever you go, you're there. Whomever you're with, you're still there.

 

Why don't you fix what YOU need to fix?

 

GEL

 

 

Great post. If we never fix ourselves, why expect a someone else or a different situation to fix us?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

the job thing simply isnt an option unless i A. wanted to move away or B. took a job doing something completely different. I have my masters, I make a fair amount of money. The only problem is, that i work in public office. Thats what my degree is in. And unfortunately unless I switch political parties or move to another congressional district I am stuck working in my current place of employment. i dont work for MM anymore though, i switched to working in the office of another representative.

 

To quit all together would be putting myself and my children in a poor financial state. I think it would be a risky decision. I am unwilling to leave without a somewhat secure job. The market is bad. it could be months to years to find another job where i could make enough to support myself. I am the bread-winner for my family.

 

Here is my plan.

 

1. H - after even more developments and reading the advice here I am letting go until hes ready to try. I have decided to step back and told him we can only try if he is able to treat me respectfully and not use the fact that I'm trying as a means to punish me. As I write this today he again didnt show up to see our children, has yet to provide an ounce of financial help. I will see my attorney monday to get some sort of agreement in place. he has been using my A as an excuse to let go of his obligations to his children, the bills etc. this part has to stop.

 

2. MM - again like I've said before I'm out until the D is final. i guess i could hear him out, but im not ready to do that yet and not sure if i even want to. this option just needs some time to play out.

 

i would be lying if i said i wasnt very sad and distraught over this. i am sad over how my life has fallen apart. i have guilt over my H and my children. i wish i could go back to life before the affair. i really really miss it. i cant help but remember what it was like when my only problem in life was what to cook for dinner. thats also a big part of whats got me so down. i had it all, and now it seems i have nothing.

[whichwayisup]

MBeg, all along I've told you to stop focussing on exMM, his wife, their marriage, and the why's/how's etc..

 

YOU have to put constant effort into this. You have to want to get over exMM and never allow yourself to think/wonder about him ever again.

 

Give yourself closure by accepting that the A is over. That you loved him, but he's not good for you and now it's time to close the door, let go and move on. Get him out of your heart and blood. He is your PAST. Someone that helped ruined your life, your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

And, keep doing counseling. On your own.

 

Sorry you're hurting.. Keep posting.

[anne1707]

You are at an incredibly low point now because of a very uncertain future. However you will get through this one way or another. Even if the only way you can do it for now is for your kids. But in time, you will start to feel better and look forward to what the day has to bring.

 

You also need to start dealing with your guilt. Learn from your mistakes and understand yourself better. What can you do to make you happy and stronger? You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Do not let the guilt eat away at you.

[bestplayer]

the job thing simply isnt an option unless i A. wanted to move away or B. took a job doing something completely different. I have my masters, I make a fair amount of money. The only problem is, that i work in public office. Thats what my degree is in. And unfortunately unless I switch political parties or move to another congressional district I am stuck working in my current place of employment. i dont work for MM anymore though, i switched to working in the office of another representative.

 

To quit all together would be putting myself and my children in a poor financial state. I think it would be a risky decision. I am unwilling to leave without a somewhat secure job. The market is bad. it could be months to years to find another job where i could make enough to support myself. I am the bread-winner for my family.

 

Here is my plan.

 

1. H - after even more developments and reading the advice here I am letting go until hes ready to try. I have decided to step back and told him we can only try if he is able to treat me respectfully and not use the fact that I'm trying as a means to punish me. As I write this today he again didnt show up to see our children, has yet to provide an ounce of financial help. I will see my attorney monday to get some sort of agreement in place. he has been using my A as an excuse to let go of his obligations to his children, the bills etc. this part has to stop.

 

2. MM - again like I've said before I'm out until the D is final. i guess i could hear him out, but im not ready to do that yet and not sure if i even want to. this option just needs some time to play out.

 

i would be lying if i said i wasnt very sad and distraught over this. i am sad over how my life has fallen apart. i have guilt over my H and my children. i wish i could go back to life before the affair. i really really miss it. i cant help but remember what it was like when my only problem in life was what to cook for dinner. thats also a big part of whats got me so down. i had it all, and now it seems i have nothing.

 

MBEG i think u need to seriously think as to why ur husband seems not so ready to try . could it be that after all this mess ur faimly is going through u still have MM as an option & u keep analyzing about the possiblities with him , thinking about the terms & conditions only then ican u go back to mm , while it should have become something of past .

 

It isn't really possible to concentrate fully on working out with ur husband , If u r spending so much enrgy on how , when & why of mm , his wife , his divorce too . So may be if u had tried to only spend ur energy on ur faimly & husband , he would be more willing .

 

u said u have guilt over my H and my children , but still u dont want to try to forget & move on from what has hurt ur faimly . I ur guilt is genuine then u should have one goal only & nothing else .

 

best of luck

[jennie-jennie]

MBEG, that sounds like a wise plan.

 

Don't take this wrong, but your husband seems like such a jerk now, maybe it was for the best what happened so he showed his true potential. Has he really treated you well always in the past? I might be totally wrong here, disregard what I am saying in that case.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

no, this is not my H at all. pre-A he was the type of husband women dream of. he quit going to MC because he didnt like it and then he fell apart. at first after the A he would be what i considered "appropriate." now he is hard and cold. he is an angry, irresponsible, arrogant, abusive person to everyone he comes in contact with, at times even the kids.

 

i feel responsible for this, and so this is another reason why i try with him. i need to help him get better.

[anne1707]

It's one thing him having a go at you (no dig but you are the one who hurt him) but there is no way he should treat the children badly. Your H is lashing out at everyone in his anger and he possibly needs to go to IC to help him deal with this.

 

Do you think you could persuade him to do this? Especially if you could help him realise that he is hurting ALL those he cares about, not just you.

[jennie-jennie]

no, this is not my H at all. pre-A he was the type of husband women dream of. he quit going to MC because he didnt like it and then he fell apart. at first after the A he would be what i considered "appropriate." now he is hard and cold. he is an angry, irresponsible, arrogant, abusive person to everyone he comes in contact with, at times even the kids.

 

i feel responsible for this, and so this is another reason why i try with him. i need to help him get better.

 

Okay, I understand, that must be hard for you both. Hopefully it will pass then. But I can see where he would be afraid to trust you, what if he lets you back in only for you to realize that your place is not with him? That might be a fear of his.

 

So sorry you are both hurting.

[anne1707]

what if he lets you back in only for you to realize that your place is not with him? That might be a fear of his.

 

A very understandable fear. Or he may feel that you are only trying to reconcile because of guilt.

 

If you are to do this MBEG, you need to be absolutely sure that it is what you want with no regrets about the ex-MM. It will be hard no matter how sure you feel but as good as impossible (and wrong for both you and your H) if your heart is not truly in it. Your H will also be doubting you so he is putting up these barriers to protect himself from potential pain.