In a long term relationship, but I have a crush...

[fennel6]

Hi folks...I'm new here.

 

As the title of my post says, I'm in a relationship with a fantastic woman. Our relationship waxes and wanes, like most relationships do over the years. I don't really have any complaints about my partner, so I'm not certain how this happened.

 

I was acquaintanced with an attractive (but straight and married) woman twelve years ago, when I was single. We worked in the same organization, but were not co-workers. She had that tom-boyish look that I love, and she was bright and funny- all turn-ons for me. I was always trying to get her to do something with me after work, to no avail, so I admired her from afar (and anear, LOL) and kept my suffering to myself.

 

Now, these many years later, my mother sustained an injury that requires me to take her to physical therapy. To my shock, my old crush is my mother's pt! She was delighted to see me, and thrilled that she has the "honor" (as she put it) of working with my mother. Initially, I was happy to see her, but now I'm sporting that extra-heavy burden of unrequited love again, along with a healthy dose of guilt. To complicate things, she is flirting with me, something she's never done in the past.

 

I imagine I'll only be seeing her once a week for the next seven weeks...my mom should be better by then. In the meantime, how do I shrug off these feelings? I find my thoughts returning to her frequently during the day, and it's making me crazy. Any advice from former survivors of unrequited love is welcome.

 

Thanks in advance...

[whichwayisup]

Whatever you do, don't flirt back and don't tell her about the crush.

 

Next time you go, bring your wife. Make it clear that you aren't interested (even though on some level you are) and not available.

 

How to shrug off the feelings? Don't allow yourself to get to know her. Don't ask too many questions, open up about you, your life, or anything. If you stay emotionally distant, she'll pick up on that.

 

FIGHT the thoughts. Your mind can drift anywhere, but it takes effort to let yourself think more, so as soon as you find yourself thinking of her, STOP and distract yourself. Think of your wife. Get busy, call your wife, call a friend.. You need to take control and not let yourself fade into fantasy land.

 

Another option, tell your wife about the crush. Then (as I suggested) bring her with you to your mom's PT session.

 

It's good you're feeling guilty, it means you know it's wrong. The feelings are there, but you don't have to open the door. CHOOSE not to, choose to ignore it.

[bittersweet memories]

Next time you go, bring your wife. Make it clear that you aren't interested (even though on some level you are) and not available.

 

Another option, tell your wife about the crush. Then (as I suggested) bring her with you to your mom's PT session.

 

You mean girlfriend...i don't believe he's married.

[whichwayisup]

My mistake. But my advice still stands.

 

Though..

 

If you truly want to explore your feelings for this other woman, then break up with your current girlfriend.

[fennel6]

Whatever you do, don't flirt back and don't tell her about the crush.

 

Next time you go, bring your wife. Make it clear that you aren't interested (even though on some level you are) and not available.

 

How to shrug off the feelings? Don't allow yourself to get to know her. Don't ask too many questions, open up about you, your life, or anything. If you stay emotionally distant, she'll pick up on that.

 

FIGHT the thoughts. Your mind can drift anywhere, but it takes effort to let yourself think more, so as soon as you find yourself thinking of her, STOP and distract yourself. Think of your wife. Get busy, call your wife, call a friend.. You need to take control and not let yourself fade into fantasy land.

 

Another option, tell your wife about the crush. Then (as I suggested) bring her with you to your mom's PT session.

 

It's good you're feeling guilty, it means you know it's wrong. The feelings are there, but you don't have to open the door. CHOOSE not to, choose to ignore it.

 

Thanks for the reply! I'm pleased to see that I actually did many of the things you suggest while I was at yesterday's session. She was busily chatting me up about a lecture she'd been to, and I did not pursue the topic. Also, I made little eye contact with her, forcing her to engage with my mother.

 

I don't think I will tell my partner about the crush (we're lesbians, incidentally), because I really have no intention of pursuing this and I don't want her to panic over nothing. Her schedule makes it impossible for her to attend sessions with me. In fact, her work takes her away for days at a time.

 

One thing I've been doing today is forcing my mind off of her when she pops in. Redirecting my thoughts. That's been helpful, too.

[whichwayisup]

Good for you that you didn't get into the chitchat with her. The main thing is, she IS there to work on your mom.. Is it possible not to be in the room the whole time? This way your mom and her get to talk more?

 

Anyway, she's married and straight..So it has to remain a crush.. and when you think about it, what's the point? All it does is wind you up, and know you can never 'have' her. Right?

 

Another thing, do you have any brothers or sisters who can take your mom? This way it's not you going to every single appt with her.

[fennel6]

Also, I'm thinking that my unresponsiveness to her conversation and what I perceived as flirting will place these sessions right back where they belong. I'll simply continue with the "uninterested" attitude I took yesterday.

[fennel6]

Yes, it does have to be a crush. She is married, and so am I, at least to the point the law will allow me to be. The whole "unrequited love" thing is just an emotional drain- it's not fun at all.

 

And you're so right...she should be engaging with my mom, I should just be an afterthought, or someone to take notes, lol!

 

One of my sisters is estranged from most of the family, so she won't assist with my mom. My youngest sister only lives an hour away, but she claims to be too "busy" to come up here and help. In fact, I begged and pleaded to get her to come up today and spend some time with mom. I've been at her house every day for two and a half weeks! I need a break.

 

So, even though I want to engage, I'm not, and I won't. You've been very helpful- thanks for listening.

[whichwayisup]

Exactly! She is being PAID BY YOUR MOM (or insurance company) to do this job, so it isn't the place to be flirting, to try to connect with you. Her connection and conversation should be to your mom..To help her do physio at home, stretches etc..

 

I'm glad to help. You have a good head on your shoulders, so I know you're going to do the right thing..

 

I'm sure your mom appreciates you going..Sucks that your little sis won't help out more. Guess she has the youngest sibling syndrome! (letting older sis take over.)