How to have an affair in three easy steps

[Agent_99]

Step One: DON"T DO IT!! I'm serious, if you're contemplating or have just begun an affair ~ STOP RIGHT NOW. I know that it feels like you can't stop. BUT you can. PLEASE it hurts everyone involved. If you love that person as much as you think you do, you really DO care about the consequences in the end.

 

Step Two: Since no one ever really does step one ~ as an AP I say to date other people. Even if your so in love that you can't possibly see yourself with someone else, DATE OTHER PEOPLE. MM/MW can not give you everything you need and it will help you keep some detachment. Remember AP you are only getting part of someone ~ sometimes the best part, but only part. If you make plans with friends, family, or other dates DO NOT CANCEL THEM TO SEE MM/MW.

Always keep in mind that actions speak louder than words ~ If they tell you your the love of their life, what do the actions say?

 

Step Three: If it moves into a long term A ( I'm thinking more than 2 years) Don't hold onto the hope that MM/MW will leave. Let it be what it is for you, but don't love the dream more than the reality. Continue to date other people.

Realize that it is a temporary relationship no matter HOW long it has been going on.

Because even if they leave their M, they need a period of adjustment to a life without the identity of M before they could ever truly commit to you. ( and probably counseling )

 

And I recommend counseling for the AP too. Talking with someone who is trained to deal with emotional issues helps level out the emotional rollercoaster that an A is.

 

~Agent_99

[Got it]

Except for the first step I think this is very sound advice for ALL relationships! One should not lose sight of their boundaries, priorities, and themselves. The romantic relationship is vital but should be part of what makes the person, not the only thing doing it! Never make someone else the main focus of one's live. It is so much nicer when they are just the icing on the cake.

[Agent_99]

Except for the first step I think this is very sound advice for ALL relationships! One should not lose sight of their boundaries, priorities, and themselves. The romantic relationship is vital but should be part of what makes the person, not the only thing doing it! Never make someone else the main focus of one's live. It is so much nicer when they are just the icing on the cake.

 

Very true!! I think that in affairs though, it is easy to let the MM/MW become the focus of one's life. Simply because there is some sort of urgency to see or talk to the person around their schedule.

[NoIDidn't]

Its always interesting when people try to equate affairs with "other" relationships. They aren't on the same plane. I get that some of the dynamics are similar, but that is where it stops.

 

One of the main places where affairs differ is in the amount of people already in them. They start off with more than just two people, whether one knows about it or not. No MM is going to seriously date a woman that is also seeing, and possibly sleeping, with other man than himself. That's the easiest way to encourage him to stay married to his "faithful" W. Its not fair, but its one of the biggest differences between affairs and "other" relationships.

 

Unless, of course, your affair is only for sex. Even then, this is still different from "other" relationships.

 

I fail to see how step three applies to other relationships as well. When has a person in a normal relationship had to wait for their SO to leave another person?

 

Boundaries, priorities, and proper perspective in all relationships is a must. But to get into an affair, those things are the first things compromised. Its kind of hard to get them back after the fact. We teach people how to treat us, and far too often women in affairs tend to make the MM a priority while he makes them an option.

[OWoman]

Its always interesting when people try to equate affairs with "other" relationships. They aren't on the same plane. I get that some of the dynamics are similar, but that is where it stops.

 

One of the main places where affairs differ is in the amount of people already in them. They start off with more than just two people, whether one knows about it or not. No MM is going to seriously date a woman that is also seeing, and possibly sleeping, with other man than himself. That's the easiest way to encourage him to stay married to his "faithful" W. Its not fair, but its one of the biggest differences between affairs and "other" relationships.

 

Unless, of course, your affair is only for sex. Even then, this is still different from "other" relationships.

 

I fail to see how step three applies to other relationships as well. When has a person in a normal relationship had to wait for their SO to leave another person?

 

Boundaries, priorities, and proper perspective in all relationships is a must. But to get into an affair, those things are the first things compromised. Its kind of hard to get them back after the fact. We teach people how to treat us, and far too often women in affairs tend to make the MM a priority while he makes them an option.

 

NID I disagree with much of what you've written here (except for the last paragraph, which I agree with). It may be that way in MANY As, possibly even MOST As, but certainly not ALL As.

 

I've had several As in my life, and many Rs that were not As. For me, there was no difference at all - I conducted myself in the As exactly as I conducted myself in other Rs, and expected, demanded (and got) the MMs to conduct themselves exactly as I have expected SGs to conduct themselves in Rs with me.

 

There is no STRUCTURAL or NECESSARY requirement that they be different. The only difference comes in when OWs start making allowances for the fact that MMs are M, and allowing them leeway they would not allow SGs. But that is those OWs CHOICE - there is nothing inherent in an A that determines that. I've never made those allowances nor given that leeway, and I've never had an A implode as a result of not doing so. If a guy wants an R - of whatever kind - enough, he'll do what it takes to make that possible. And if he doesn't or "can't", he's just not that into you and you're well warned off before it starts.

[Agent_99]

Its always interesting when people try to equate affairs with "other" relationships. They aren't on the same plane. I get that some of the dynamics are similar, but that is where it stops.

 

One of the main places where affairs differ is in the amount of people already in them. They start off with more than just two people, whether one knows about it or not. No MM is going to seriously date a woman that is also seeing, and possibly sleeping, with other man than himself. That's the easiest way to encourage him to stay married to his "faithful" W. Its not fair, but its one of the biggest differences between affairs and "other" relationships.

 

Unless, of course, your affair is only for sex. Even then, this is still different from "other" relationships.

 

I fail to see how step three applies to other relationships as well. When has a person in a normal relationship had to wait for their SO to leave another person?

 

Boundaries, priorities, and proper perspective in all relationships is a must. But to get into an affair, those things are the first things compromised. Its kind of hard to get them back after the fact. We teach people how to treat us, and far too often women in affairs tend to make the MM a priority while he makes them an option.

 

There are such things as open relationships. My xH of 13 years and I had an open relationship for part or our M. Then there were more people involved then.

 

Sometimes you DO have to wait for the other person to be ready for a bigger committment. And I was saying that you SHOULD NOT hold onto that hope.

 

I currently date several people. They ALL know I date other women.

 

We teach people how to treat us, and far too often women in affairs tend to make the MM a priority while he makes them an option

 

This IS very true. The first year or so of my A I did this and was miserable. But I adjusted, I learned how to meet her on a level that didn't cause me anguish. She learned to accept that she wasn't as big a priority in my life. As ironic as that is ~ there were growing pains for her as I changed the dynamics of our relationship. MW and I talk about everything, except my sex life with other women. So she knows when I meet someone that I am really into. She gets jealous sometimes, she's scared at times of losing me to someone else again. (I had ended to A for a time when things got serious with someone else)

 

If you carefully read my post, I am trying to say that an A is not a desirable relationship at all. I am trying to say that if you find yourself in one and make the decision (for whatever personal reason) to create boundaries that cause the MP to be less of a priority.

[Agent_99]

NID I disagree with much of what you've written here (except for the last paragraph, which I agree with). It may be that way in MANY As, possibly even MOST As, but certainly not ALL As.

 

I've had several As in my life, and many Rs that were not As. For me, there was no difference at all - I conducted myself in the As exactly as I conducted myself in other Rs, and expected, demanded (and got) the MMs to conduct themselves exactly as I have expected SGs to conduct themselves in Rs with me.

 

There is no STRUCTURAL or NECESSARY requirement that they be different. The only difference comes in when OWs start making allowances for the fact that MMs are M, and allowing them leeway they would not allow SGs. But that is those OWs CHOICE - there is nothing inherent in an A that determines that. I've never made those allowances nor given that leeway, and I've never had an A implode as a result of not doing so. If a guy wants an R - of whatever kind - enough, he'll do what it takes to make that possible. And if he doesn't or "can't", he's just not that into you and you're well warned off before it starts.

 

That is exactly my point. Thank you OW for stating it in different words. The only difference for me is that with MW I am madly in love with her. But I still date other women. I DO not cancel plans with other dates or freinds or family to be with MW. She does not get priority over others in my life. I require that everyone I date respects the fact that I date others. And if it goes as far as becoming a sexual relationship I am clear that I have another lover and I tell her too. If I ever meet someone that I am willing to make a monogamous committment to, then my A will end.

[silverfish]

That is exactly my point. Thank you OW for stating it in different words. The only difference for me is that with MW I am madly in love with her. But I still date other women. I DO not cancel plans with other dates or freinds or family to be with MW. She does not get priority over others in my life. I require that everyone I date respects the fact that I date others. And if it goes as far as becoming a sexual relationship I am clear that I have another lover and I tell her too. If I ever meet someone that I am willing to make a monogamous committment to, then my A will end.

 

You say you are madly in love with your OW...but then if you ever meet someone you are willing to make a monogamous commitment to, that your A will end.....do you think that will ever happen while you are in love with your OW?

 

Are you wating to see if it will peter out naturally, or for another woman to sweep you off your feet first? And if that woman came along...how would she react to your current relationship with the OW?

[NoIDidn't]

If you carefully read my post, I am trying to say that an A is not a desirable relationship at all. I am trying to say that if you find yourself in one and make the decision (for whatever personal reason) to create boundaries that cause the MP to be less of a priority.

 

Ahhh, this is different. In this case, we agree - affair or "normal" relationship.

 

An aside - But even in an open relationship situation, I still fail to see why anyone has to wait for someone to leave. Can you explain where that dynamic appears in an open relationship? Isn't the point of the open relationship that you don't have to leave one relationship for another? I understand what you meant not holding on to the hope of something bigger in your subsequent post, but your OP specificly said "leave".