Doesn't seem possible to me...

[imaginemeandyou]

Hi,

 

I've been browsing this forum for several months, but this is my first post. I have been invoved with a MM for just under 3 years and there's something I wonder about often. Other than serial cheaters, if a man truly loves his wife, would he be able to carry on an EMA for several years?

[whichwayisup]

Yes, because they are selfish and able to separate it in their minds. He may love his wife, and he very well may love you as well - But, he loves himself MOST. He likes having two women meet all his needs..He gets the best of both worlds.

 

Many men can separate love and sex. His wife provides him a stable home, family life, the life he built with her which includes family, kids, inlaws, friends.. And you provide excitement for him, something that he probably doesn't feel at home anymore due to being married for so long.

 

Question is, are you happy? What is it that you want long term? To stay in the affair, or eventually want to have a family, kids of your own? If you choose to stay the OW, then you have to accept this is an 'affair'. You won't have what he shares with his wife... UNLESS you end it and find a guy who can give you everything.

[crazycatlady]

Sure. I'll take it further then Whichway, I think a man can find passionate love with more then just one person, and if he can get away with it, totally would be a cakeeater. Who wouldn't want that much love and sex and excitement? And there is a lot of excitement in affairs, the threat of being caught is part of the unspoke appeal of it. I know most OW/OM don't want to believe that the WS could possibly still be having a passionate relationship at home, but I know for certain it happens.

 

But I think the man really does have to be getting a lot of out both sides of things to the risks, to not just end it to be with the OW something must be there on the other side, to not end it with the OW. He's got the best all for him.

 

CCL

[Fallen Angel]

Hi,

 

 

I've been browsing this forum for several months, but this is my first post. I have been invoved with a MM for just under 3 years and there's something I wonder about often. Other than serial cheaters, if a man truly loves his wife, would he be able to carry on an EMA for several years?

 

LMAO... okay, now from an OW perspective... Yes, they can love their wife and still carry on a long term EMA. But, in my opinion, the love that they feel for their wife is love, the love they feel for their OW is often IN LOVE. There is a difference.

 

I love my best girlfriend. I am in love with My MM.

I love my children. I am in love with My MM.

I love my grandmother, my dad, my siblings etc etc etc

I am IN LOVE with My MM.

 

The difference is loving someone for the history you share, the family ties, those things bind, no doubt... but romantic love combined with familial love can not in my opinion exist concurrently in a relationship where one party is having a long term emotionally based affair.

 

In cases like that, i would say that the married person sometimes feels the familial bond with the other as well as the romantic love.. *they become a small and separate family unit in the MPs mind and are ALSO romantically linked* while the love for the spouse becomes somewhat based on the same 'family' love felt for other relatives.

 

But that is my opinion.

 

*yeah, yeah, I know, I know.. flame away* (I AM SO BEYOND CARING .... LMAO.. give it your best shot!)

[imaginemeandyou]

WWIU, both MM and I have already raised our families but still, I am not happy with the situation and am thinking of ending it. Pat of the conversation I have with myself to do that is "He loves his wife, not me." But I can't really believe he would be capable of doing this to her if he really loves her.

 

I've know MM for decades; he is a decent man, this EMA is his first. What is going on with him?

[crazycatlady]

There are many reasons why MM do this. While I disagree with FA (respectfully of course FA lol) about the whole in love kinda thing - I know my H is in love with me even while he was actively having the affair - I think She's spot on for some of the wanderers, probably the ones in most long term affairs.

 

Why worry about him and why he's doing it though if YOU aren't happy? Just end it if you are wanting more and he won't give it. Maybe he will decide after its over its worth breaking the familiar marriage. But most people I think would rather continue on with both then have to pick because probably both are giving what is needed and wanted, and he can content himself that he's not really hurting anyone by leaving.

 

CCL

[imaginemeandyou]

For me, part of the letting go involves trying to make sense of it all. If I could say to myself "He loves her, not me" (and believe it), it would make it much easier for me to walk away. But, the feelings FA ascribes to certain married men is what I believe is the reality for my MM.

 

Your right though, Cat Lady, it really shouldn't matter who he loves; he isn't giving me what I need. But, it does matter to me. And it keeps me attached to him.

[crazycatlady]

Imagine - for your emotional wellbeing, you need to sit down with yourself - or drive, or shower, or where ever it is you get the best soul searching done (for my I took H's car and went driving usually) and think about this....

 

Men in that situation seem to rarely leave their wives, the history is very strong and it tends to keep them there, especially if the kids are grown and gone.

 

You need to figure out if his loving you, being IN love with you, is worth the pain and torment this is going to give you. Your needs will never be his first concern, no matter what he says. As long as he gets both of you where he doesn't have to make a choice, I don't think he ever will. Now if you are ok with this, then stay. FA has done so much soul searching and pondering on this its heart breaking to watch and I'm late in on this.

 

I know from the other side of things I searched my heart and soul for a long time to whether I could share my H with the OW (we are an open marriage but the OW just happens to be my sister, making it a double whammy of betrayal) whether confronting was going to do any good, or if I could be capable of dealing with the situation because the few times I've straight out asked its alwas been denied but I haven't come out and said I know otherwise. And I'm not ready to do that. I'm not ready to admit my own betrayal of his trust by admiting to reading his phone. Anyway, I wanted to admit my background before you took anything I said as advice (kinda the disclosure statement of a broker lol, the stocks he recommends are stocks he owns etc) . Anyway long story short, I decided I could deal and am dealing with it in my own way. I do have moments of doubts and worries, more for me it is a case of I really wanna know more but can't without confronting, and I'm not ready....

 

So...can you accept what you have now and have it be enough for now? Look at the best senario...he is totally in love with you....is that enough knowing he probably will never leave? If its enough, then you gotta let go of the rest and try to find peace ala Jennie and Fallen. If its not enough, its better to end things now then later. Really, it is. Best of luck, sweetie. You seem like a lovely woman with a very hard choice to make.

 

CCL

[imaginemeandyou]

My God, CCL, your situation is far more complicated than mine. I really appreciate your advice; you have a way of highlighting what's most important here - my well being. I do identify with FA and JJ and I admire their faith and tenacity. And I understand why they're willing to sacrifice so much for this kind of love. At the same time, this EMA makes me so very unhappy because I deserve so much more than what I'm receiving from MM.

 

It must be so difficult for you to keep everything in. You seem insightful and I'm sure you're weighing everything very carefully before you decide what to do. Prior to this, did you and your sister have a close relationship?

 

And are you getting any help with this?

[skywriter]

Hi imagine, welcome.

 

I'm like you, not happy in my A and working towards moving on with my life. I've never felt comfortable from the beginning with being an OW.

 

CCL, (((hugs)) to you as well, sorry for the t/j, there.

[skylarblue]

My motto on A is “the WS may love their W/H, but not enough to be faithful”. I’ve also wondered how my MM could carry on with me and look and lie to his W for years. Ninety percent of the time that we hook-up, he’ll leave me, go home, shower, and then crawl into bed and sleep next to his W. I don’t think he thinks anything of it. I mean I would think that he loves her. He chooses to stay M and I know for sure he’s not looking for a D. But I honestly don’t think he has any guilt. He’s willing to continue to see me for years more. I really think that he feels like he’s still being H and father, just getting a little action on the side. No harm done. I mean that’s how I look at it too.

[1Angel]

if a man truly loves his wife, would he be able to carry on an EMA for several years?

 

 

As long as there is an OW willing to feed and boost that ego, yes.

[bullhunter]

Yes, it is possible. There isn't a time frame on affairs. If I have an affair for 1 year, I can still love my wife, but not if I have an affair for 2 years. I can have a 2 month affair and still love my wife but not a 1 year affair. It sounds ridiculous because it is. You might as well say "if I have an affair that means I don't love my wife", but I can categorically tell you that is not a true statement.

 

Maybe he doesn't still love her. Maybe he does. But you asked if it was possible. It is.

 

My opinion as a former WS.

[jwi71]

Of course he loves his W...but not enough to stay faithful.

He might love you...but not enough to leave.

 

Welcome to limbo.

 

An A is ALL about the WS...everyone else is secondary...and yes, this includes children.

[Jeff1962]

WWIU, both MM and I have already raised our families but still, I am not happy with the situation and am thinking of ending it. Pat of the conversation I have with myself to do that is "He loves his wife, not me." But I can't really believe he would be capable of doing this to her if he really loves her.

 

I've know MM for decades; he is a decent man, this EMA is his first. What is going on with him?

 

For me. I could not be with another woman and then come home to my wife. I expect the same from her. We do love eachother. My wife's opinion of me means very much to me. I have a very high opinion of her as well. Yes, we have issues. I'm not saying an affair is impossible for anyone, I'm saying that I think I would be too guilt ridden to go back home afterward. Why guilt? Because I made a promise to her when we took our vows. I intend to keep this promise or move on.

 

I think both men and women CAN seperate sex and love. I can't now that I am married. Looking back at when I was single, women used me for my body and I used them for theirs. It goes both ways.

 

I believe that if you truly love and respect someone, you choose to remain faithful.

[delirious]

Bull - But your affair was not physical, it was just an EA so to some that might not qualify as enough experience to comment as a WS. I have read some of your posts and from the way you talked about her before, I doubt that you even loved your AP.

I agree with FA, it is possible to love someone and be in love with someone else. But most MM get stuck in their comfort zone and assume that is love IMO.

[nolookingback]

I have not posted my story yet but have been reading this site for a couple of years. I've been on a roller coaster ride with my MM for 6 years now. He’s left his wife more than once and of course went back. We started out having an EA for 2 years. I thought I loved him during the first years of the EA but realized I didn’t until it turned physical and we kept growing closer. I thought I was different from everyone else, but found I am not. I was advised on another board in the beginning to get out early but I didn’t take that advice. I wish I had, there has been so much pain the last year and looking back, it would have been so much less painful to get out early. Until last week, we haven’t had any contact for the longest period of 6 years. Until he started again and I haven’t replied, yea!! Any who, sorry to tread steal. Like my MM, I'm sure he loves his wife but isn’t in love with her. That’s exactly how I feel about my soon to be ex husband. Please for the sake of your sanity, rethink every detail about your life and if you truly love him. Also, be careful what you wish for.