Secret Pain

[BostonBound]

I recently posted about an affair I had that went on for some time but I ended because I realised how much I wanted my family and needed to make things right again. I hadn't told my wife about the affair, still haven't and even though its been tough we've been trying to grow closer as a couple. Hard anyway when you have two spritely little ones.

 

I am finding hard to devote myself entirely to my wife, I want to, but I still find my thoughts drifting to my other woman nearly two months after the split. Sometimes I do nothing but think of her and man, its so hard to snap myself back into reality, which is where I need and want to be.

 

Yesterday I saw her, the other woman, and she looked fantastic. We spoke but only briefly and she seemed really well. It tore me up even more, which is really selfish I know.

 

I went for my first counselling session today and I wanted to tell her about the affair, the words were right on my lips but I just couldnt get them out and we ended up talking about a whole mess of other things in my life and my past.

 

It's with me all the time and I wsh I could just get past her. I love my wife and want to reconnect as a couple but its so hard when the OW is in my head so often. I know I sound like a nasty piece of work but I dont want to be like this. How do I forget her?

[WhereToGoFromHere]

I think time is what helps you forget, or at least be able to deal with the pain.

 

I admire you for knowing that you want to be with your wife. I think focusing on the fact that you ARE where you want to be is where you should spend your time. Each time the AP comes into your head, remember that you have what you want.

 

This is hard. My W knows about my EA. I wonder if I would've told her if the situation hadn't come up that I was forced to. You have to decide if the damage of clearing your conscience is worth the hurt you will cause her.

[BostonBound]

It seems weird at the moment that time will help as, and I know this sounds so awful, I think about her nearly all the time. I hope it does help. At the moment I can't help but regret losing her even though I want my family, I know that makes me a selfish a***hole.

 

I honestly think that if I tell my wife it really wont help. We struggle enough as it is and she's not had things easy. I also want it to work for the sake of the kids.

 

Thanks for your response. Hope things are better between you and your wife?

 

(Posted in the Infidelity forum too because I posted here accidently, but glad I did.)

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Thanks for your response. Hope things are better between you and your wife?

 

(Posted in the Infidelity forum too because I posted here accidently, but glad I did.)

 

Things are better. My W has made a lot of changes too to make things better. Its hard for me still because I'm caught in the "fog" that others talk about on LS. I still think I'd have a better life with my AP and I feel like I'm just doing whats expected. Hopefully that "fog" will clear someday.

[BostonBound]

Things are better. My W has made a lot of changes too to make things better. Its hard for me still because I'm caught in the "fog" that others talk about on LS. I still think I'd have a better life with my AP and I feel like I'm just doing whats expected. Hopefully that "fog" will clear someday.

 

Thats good. I know what you feel about doing whats expected, and also I feel obliged not to hurt my wife so much more than I already have. That fog's a killer.

[wheelwright]

Thats good. I know what you feel about doing whats expected, and also I feel obliged not to hurt my wife so much more than I already have. That fog's a killer.

 

Maybe if it's real emotion rather than fog it might be easier to work through. Fog lifts. Emotions and the way they affect our lives have to be enjoyed, worked through, dealt with, experienced, made sense of.

 

Waiting for the fog to lift may be a fairytale just as any happy ever after story.

 

I feel I may be a minority on LS, but why not grieve, mourn, reconcile yourself to, get over etc. the loss of someone once dear to you? Life throws this challenge to all of us at some point.

[BostonBound]

Maybe if it's real emotion rather than fog it might be easier to work through. Fog lifts. Emotions and the way they affect our lives have to be enjoyed, worked through, dealt with, experienced, made sense of.

 

Waiting for the fog to lift may be a fairytale just as any happy ever after story.

 

I feel I may be a minority on LS, but why not grieve, mourn, reconcile yourself to, get over etc. the loss of someone once dear to you? Life throws this challenge to all of us at some point.

 

thanks WW. I know you're right. I can't bring myself to mourn her at the moment and properly let her go. Too busy thinking of the 'what if?' instead of looking at my marriage. I need to feel the love for my wife again and not the OW.

[wheelwright]

thanks WW. I know you're right. I can't bring myself to mourn her at the moment and properly let her go. Too busy thinking of the 'what if?' instead of looking at my marriage. I need to feel the love for my wife again and not the OW.

 

I sat on the fence for a long time after my A, even though I didn't know that was what I was doing.

 

Your 'what if?' statement makes me think this might be what you are doing too.

 

I think letting go of the 'What if?' is key to you being able to concentrate on your M. It's also part of the denial involved in grieving (IMHO).

 

It has taken me six months to get my emotions anything like even, so I guess time helps. At some point you will be able to concentrate on your M if that's what you want.

 

I have learned that we really have to want what we decide to do, but that it can take time to get to a point where we have the clarity to know it. Until then, you have to rely on the instinct that you want to save your M, or at least work out if it's worth it.

 

There will be a shift for you sometime, but maybe accepting your feelings will be part of it. I wish you well.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Maybe if it's real emotion rather than fog it might be easier to work through. Fog lifts. Emotions and the way they affect our lives have to be enjoyed, worked through, dealt with, experienced, made sense of.

 

Waiting for the fog to lift may be a fairytale just as any happy ever after story.

 

I feel I may be a minority on LS, but why not grieve, mourn, reconcile yourself to, get over etc. the loss of someone once dear to you? Life throws this challenge to all of us at some point.

 

I completely agree with you, especially the bolded part. I'm an OW with a MM of almost a year. We have very strong feelings for each other but because of various realities in our lives we have never seriously thought about being together and he separating from his wife. I have written a really long, intense NC letter. I hope I have the strength to give it to him.

 

Instead of pushing away these yearnings for your OP, I think it's important to acknowledge that they're there. Work through them and come to terms with them instead of being obsessed with, well, the feelings.

 

It's sure easier to say than it is to do though, as I'm experiencing.

 

I must say that it's refreshing to hear Bostonbound and Wheelwright (two MM, if I'm correct?) talking about their feelings and their frustrations with the fog. I am afraid that my MM's feelings for me will "lift," and he will think they weren't real. I don't mean to say that I'm getting pleasure from seeing that you're struggling, but it seems sometimes on here (at least this forum) there are more OW than MM.

 

I guess misery loves company, and in affairs when the emotions seem so intense on both sides, it's good to know that these thoughts are coming from both the MM (or MW) and the OW or (OM) side.

 

I wish you both luck though in getting past your thoughts of your OW.

[NoIDidn't]

I feel I may be a minority on LS, but why not grieve, mourn, reconcile yourself to, get over etc. the loss of someone once dear to you? Life throws this challenge to all of us at some point.

 

Good thing its only a feeling and not a fact.

 

Of course he should mourn his OW. Unfortunately he won't be able to hide that fact from his W, but he should definitely mourn her if he's made the decision to stay married for whatever reason.

[NoIDidn't]

I hope you know that you are going to get a lot of posters who are going to advise you that you are going to have to confess to your wife. Be prepared for all that.

 

It seems that you are the only one saying that.

 

This has got to be an OP (OM/OW) trait. To try to beat others to the punch without even knowing for certain what people might say. Its like you're trying to poison him against posters that might say just that.

 

So when someone does inevitably give their very free opinion on him telling his W, he'll think "oh, I was warned about you types". I fail to see how that is helpful.