Personal Question/Possible TMI but curious

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

How many OM/OW have unprotected sex with their MW/MM? If you do have unprotected sex, do you use any form of birth control? Do you have unprotected oral sex as well?

 

Just curious because lately it has started to bother me that I am having totally unprotected sex with a MM that I know HAS to be sleeping with at least one other person (his W - even though he says there is no sex at home). I have had a tubal, so I'm not worried about pregnancy, but oral has begun to really squick me out...

[outofthedark]

I never had protected sex with my guy. I had a tubal when I was 30, so I didnt feel the need. His wife hated sex and I was the only other one he was sleeping with.... 2 years later now.....

Guess what, that .001% tubal failure...it happens. Yep, we have a child. Oh and I recently found out that he has slept with at least 3 other people since we have been together.

My advice to you is this. No matter what he says to you, you are not married to him. Ultimately you are not his responsibility. If you DO get pregnant or end up with an std... it is all on YOU, not him. Protect yourself!!!! Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, it is the only way to stay safe.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

OMG! You just terrified the bejeezus out of me! Your tubal failed? How long after your tubal did it fail? I've read the stories of that happening. What type of tubal did you have? My luck, I'd be part of the small percentage! Are you still with him? Does he take care of his child? Sorry for all the questions. Here I am only thinking about sharing him with his wife. Wow. Of course, he tells me the standard "My wife hates sex & we aren't intimate" line also, but lately I've begun to think...Thanks for your response. Definitely something I need to think about.

[fooled once]

Why do OW believe the line of "I am not having sex with my wife".?? come on ladies, you are smarter than this!!!

 

Any woman who is not protecting themselves against an STD or an unplanned pregnancy is either naive, stupid or both. WHY would you NOT use protection against STD's when you are having sex with a MARRIED man???? WHY??????

 

It is up to US to protect our bodies!!!

[Fallen Angel]

I do not use condoms with My MM. I had a tubal ligation six years ago. I do not know what would happen if I were to become pregnant, other than that I would have a baby. As to what his involvement would or would not be, I do not know.

 

I will say that I do not think of his wife while we are being intimate. *shrug* And so I have not really been skeeved out by the thought of it.. til NOW! ... But it is not like he comes to me 'dirty'... that would just be yuck...

[Fallen Angel]

Why do OW believe the line of "I am not having sex with my wife".?? come on ladies, you are smarter than this!!!

 

Any woman who is not protecting themselves against an STD or an unplanned pregnancy is either naive, stupid or both. WHY would you NOT use protection against STD's when you are having sex with a MARRIED man???? WHY??????

 

It is up to US to protect our bodies!!!

 

 

Mine has never fed me that line... we spoke about the fact that he occasionally has sexual contact with his W, I have asked not to be told when it happens... but I know it happens.

 

We were both tested for STD's and are both clean... I guess I don't use condoms because I trust him as much as any man I have ever been with, and I do not feel he is any more likely to have "another other" than any 'single' man I may have been dating for years to have another woman.. *shrug* I mean, my own husband cheated on me over and over and over... should all married women always use condoms with their husbands since there is a chance their husband may cheat??

[Island Girl]

Mine has never fed me that line... we spoke about the fact that he occasionally has sexual contact with his W, I have asked not to be told when it happens... but I know it happens.

 

He is still sleeping with his wife.

 

He is having an affair.

 

It is a HUGE stretch of the imagination that SHE could be as well...

 

In that case YOU are having sex with any of HER chosen partners as well.

 

You wanna play this form of Russian Roulette?

 

Now you have all the information at hand to keep doing so.

[jennie-jennie]

Why do OW believe the line of "I am not having sex with my wife".?? come on ladies, you are smarter than this!!!

 

Because it is the truth. You know, FO, if you do not trust and believe your MM, then you should not be in a relationship with him. Why bother?

 

Any woman who is not protecting themselves against an STD or an unplanned pregnancy is either naive, stupid or both. WHY would you NOT use protection against STD's when you are having sex with a MARRIED man???? WHY??????

 

It is up to US to protect our bodies!!!

 

Well, I trust my MM. The question is (while they were still having sex) do I trust his wife not to go outside the marriage. Obviously I did.

 

Again, I am so sorry, FO, your MM lied to you, but that does not mean that all MM lie to their OW.

[jennie-jennie]

I guess I don't use condoms because I trust him as much as any man I have ever been with, and I do not feel he is any more likely to have "another other" than any 'single' man I may have been dating for years to have another woman.. *shrug* I mean, my own husband cheated on me over and over and over... should all married women always use condoms with their husbands since there is a chance their husband may cheat??

 

I agree. Both my prior long term relationships were with SOs who cheated on me repeatedly. My MM is the most faithful and trustworthy man I have ever been with. In fact that is why he is having such a difficulty leaving his marriage.

[Fallen Angel]

He is still sleeping with his wife.

 

He is having an affair.

 

It is a HUGE stretch of the imagination that SHE could be as well...

 

In that case YOU are having sex with any of HER chosen partners as well.

 

You wanna play this form of Russian Roulette?

 

Now you have all the information at hand to keep doing so.

 

She could, I suppose.. one should never say never... but since part of the issue in their marriage seems to be that she has given her life over to GOD and has no time for her own husband, between the bake sales and choir practices and all the other church events that she takes their child to (who goes to church twice on Sunday for crying out loud?) , I seriously doubt it. *unless she is boffing her minister.. lol.*

 

Since he and I have both been tested, and I take my physical health seriously and get regualr check-ups (which include pap smears and std testing as routine gynecological exams should) I am not any more concerned about it than I would be if I was sexually involved with a single man I had been dating for 3 years.

[fooled once]

I agree. Both my prior long term relationships were with SOs who cheated on me repeatedly. My MM is the most faithful and trustworthy man I have ever been with. In fact that is why he is having such a difficulty leaving his marriage.

 

Yep - he lies to his wife and he cheats on his wife. FACTS.

 

Married men lie - every single one of them who is cheating on his wife and she is not aware of it is a liar. Period. You can't get around that.

 

Why should this guy leave his marriage? He has the best of both worlds. You know the saying .... why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.

Edited December 26, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

I am neither naive nor stupid. I honestly think any sexual contact my MM has with his W is minimal if at all. Ahem, you can tell sometimes when a man has gone for long periods of abstinence...just saying. Also, just as another poster said, I feel it's no different than being in a 3 yr relationship with a single man. I weigh the pros and the cons, and my choice is to have unprotected sex. I am unconcerned about pregnancy, and we have both been tested for STDs. I was last tested a month ago. My OP had more to do with being a little squicked out about oral sex because while I don't believe he is having sexual contact with his W, I also know that there is a chance that he is, and knowing that, the oral bothers me a little bit. And no, he doesn't come to me "dirty" either and I never think about his W when we are together, only sometimes afterward.

 

I also agree that not all MM are slimeballs. There are many facets to a situation, and it's not for me to judge. Cheating doesn't automatically doom one to moral depravity or else ALL of us posting here are morally depraved slimeballs. (except those who have come as BSs)

[fooled once]

What about the wife??

 

She isn't aware that her husband is having unprotected sex. How is that fair to her? What if someone has an STD? She isn't being made aware of it. I mean, if the OW found out there were MORE OW, would the original OW continue to have unprotected sex with the cheater??? I highly doubt it.

 

I am just amazed at the lack of concern or care for women and their bodies; whether it be the OW or the wife.

[Fallen Angel]

What about the wife??

 

She isn't aware that her husband is having unprotected sex. How is that fair to her? What if someone has an STD? She isn't being made aware of it. I mean, if the OW found out there were MORE OW, would the original OW continue to have unprotected sex with the cheater??? I highly doubt it.

 

I am just amazed at the lack of concern or care for women and their bodies; whether it be the OW or the wife.

 

If I found out there were OOW I wouldn't be having sexual contact with him at all. But in MY case, his W is aware that I am in the picture. She can pretend to not know, but I know she knows as we had one D-day already, and our contact only became even more frequent post D-day, than it was pre D-day. He has become more lax in 'hiding' our affair, and she had frequently questioned him about it until the last few months.

 

I am not going to give him an STD, as I am not physically involved with anyone else. So, she has nothing to fear from me, if any of us end up with an STD it will be because of one of them. However, like I said, my chances are no greater in my situation with My MM than if I was married. In fact, when I was married and my now xH was out screwing a different woman every week, I was at a much greater risk, in my opinion.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

If I found out there were OOW I wouldn't be having sexual contact with him at all. But in MY case, his W is aware that I am in the picture. She can pretend to not know, but I know she knows as we had one D-day already, and our contact only became even more frequent post D-day, than it was pre D-day. He has become more lax in 'hiding' our affair, and she had frequently questioned him about it until the last few months.

 

I am not going to give him an STD, as I am not physically involved with anyone else. So, she has nothing to fear from me, if any of us end up with an STD it will be because of one of them. However, like I said, my chances are no greater in my situation with My MM than if I was married. In fact, when I was married and my now xH was out screwing a different woman every week, I was at a much greater risk, in my opinion.

 

Exactly. If I found out MM was involved with OOW, I'd be out. I also am only physically intimate with MM, so she has nothing to fear from me either. All relationships carry risk of STD even what you think are monogamous ones, as we see from this forum. As long as both he and I have been tested, I see having unprotected sex with MM as no different from unprotected sex with one's H say, who could also potentially be stepping out on the M.

[fooled once]

So, did you get tested BEFORE the affair started? Did he?

 

Have either of you been tested recently? Some STD's can be dormat for awhile.

[Fallen Angel]

So, did you get tested BEFORE the affair started? Did he?

 

Have either of you been tested recently? Some STD's can be dormat for awhile.

 

Yes, to question number one.

 

Yes, to question number two.

 

Yes, I get tested every six months when I get my regular exams.

 

And he gets tested every year as part of his regular physical.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

I'm assuming the questions are for me - yes, I was tested before the affair started. Yes he was. I was also tested at the one year mark, and, if you read my earlier post, was tested a month ago. Like I said, BW has nothing to worry about from me personally.

[jennie-jennie]

You must have been with some pretty crappy men because this married guy is a liar and a cheat.

 

Yep - he lies to his wife and he cheats on his wife. FACTS.

 

Married men lie - every single one of them who is cheating on his wife and she is not aware of it is a liar. Period. You can't get around that.

 

Why should this guy leave his marriage? He has the best of both worlds. You know the saying .... why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.

 

FO, you have a very simplistic approach to MM. Yes, my MM lies to his wife and cheats on her. Yet I do not define him by these actions. My knowledge of his personality goes way beyond that.

 

I know that with me he has experienced a relationship that is far more honest than any relationship he has ever experienced before. Not that his relationship with his wife did not use to be honest before the EMR, but there were areas and parts of himself which he did not expose to her, which he kept hidden from her. In our relationship he has learned of the kind of relationship he wants in the future, be it with her or me or someone else. Honesty is the key word.

 

Sometimes life is paradoxical.

 

"It's difficult to shift from rational analysis to your emotional self but all that analysis hasn't paid off yet. You will have to use your emotional self for anything to change. When you've grown up enough not to need a mother any more, you can risk not being a 'good boy.' An affair certainly breaks the 'good boy' mold. These affairs are akin to late adolescence when teens break their parents' rules as part of learning about how to live their own lives in the larger world."

 

(Emily Brown, AFFAIRS, 1999)

[jennie-jennie]

What about the wife??

 

She isn't aware that her husband is having unprotected sex. How is that fair to her? What if someone has an STD? She isn't being made aware of it. I mean, if the OW found out there were MORE OW, would the original OW continue to have unprotected sex with the cheater??? I highly doubt it.

 

I am just amazed at the lack of concern or care for women and their bodies; whether it be the OW or the wife.

 

There is a major difference between the serial cheater and the MM in a deep emotional and physical long term EMR. The serial cheater is likely to have multiple OW, the MM in the long term relationship with great emotional investment is not.

 

As a BS, I have experience of the serial cheater, as an OW I have experience of the long term EMR. I have often wondered what it would be like to as the BS discover the long term EMR. That must be so much more devastating than discovering the serial affairs.

[Spark1111]

There is a major difference between the serial cheater and the MM in a deep emotional and physical long term EMR. The serial cheater is likely to have multiple OW, the MM in the long term relationship with great emotional investment is not.

 

As a BS, I have experience of the serial cheater, as an OW I have experience of the long term EMR. I have often wondered what it would be like to as the BS discover the long term EMR. That must be so much more devastating than discovering the serial affairs.

 

Yes, it is.

 

My husband told his OW in his long term EMR that he and I rarely to never had sex.

 

She was sooooo disappointed, but understood his need to placate me as he worked on his plan to leave me.

 

She convinced him that I must also have a lover on the side, our relationship was so terrible.

 

He believed his OW.

 

My husband and I had sex at least once a week during his affair.

 

He always used condoms with her, but never with me.

 

Go figure.

[Spoiled]

There is a major difference between the serial cheater and the MM in a deep emotional and physical long term EMR. The serial cheater is likely to have multiple OW, the MM in the long term relationship with great emotional investment is not.

 

As a BS, I have experience of the serial cheater, as an OW I have experience of the long term EMR. I have often wondered what it would be like to as the BS discover the long term EMR. That must be so much more devastating than discovering the serial affairs.

 

My xMM is the only other man besides my H who I engaged in unprotected sex. We were friends for yeeeeaaaarrrrrss and never used protection. Of course that means nothing, it actually scared me more because my H would know for sure what I was doing if any STDs were to arise. I take birth control pills to prevent pregnancy, my xMM would occasionaly remind me to take my pill. My H travels often with his job and has plenty of opportunities to cheat. I still cannot believe my xMM and I were that stupid to risk our spouses lives.

 

We were not serial cheaters and were strongly emotional. As far as sex, before our A became physical, xMM said him and W either had sex or she gave him bjs at least once a week. He never told me it lessened but I know it did because she became suspicious and her comments to me after d-day. "I knew something was wrong, he does not touch me anymore" and "he turns down bjs." I think we both were experiencing extreme guilt for having the A and had a difficult time sleeping with our spouses and receiving oral from them. Although my sex life at home increased, most likely to cover up, it was difficult.

[Lizzie60]

Right now.. I'm having protected sex only with one MM.. (scout dad).. for penetration only...

 

Oral sex is unprotected with all.. (protected oral sex would be a little over the top IMO).. it would drive them nuts for sure..

 

I get checked each year.. just been checked a few months ago.. I'm clean... always been..

 

Oh.. as far as birth control.. I had an histerectomy (sp) a few years ago.

[LucreziaBorgia]

A good deal of the married and 'otherwise involved' guys I was playing around with were usually flirting with/sleeping with their wives and with other women as well (I was both the cheater and the OW so I was always careful because I knew EXACTLY what the deal was). I'm not sure why someone would assume that a married person who cheats will only cheat with one person at a time, or worse yet would automatically trust someone like that because of "love". I can tell you from a wide and varied experience on both sides that when someone is cheating, they are usually playing a wide field when they do regardless of what they might say to any one person on the field do the contrary.

 

The only exceptions I've seen were the ones who were in exit affairs, and on the way out, and genuinely interested in divorcing and initiating a one on one monogamous relationship with someone new. The ones who stayed married, and had no plans to leave... I can't honestly say in the years and many people I had been with that there wasn't an exception to that.

 

Rule of thumb, from a hardened old former cheat and OW - protect yourself, physically and emotionally. Always. There are those of us who found it as easy to lie to the OP face as it was to lie to the SO.

Edited December 26, 2009 by LucreziaBorgia

[Impudent Oyster]

I do not use condoms with My MM. I had a tubal ligation six years ago. I do not know what would happen if I were to become pregnant, other than that I would have a baby. As to what his involvement would or would not be, I do not know.

 

I will say that I do not think of his wife while we are being intimate. *shrug* And so I have not really been skeeved out by the thought of it.. til NOW! ... But it is not like he comes to me 'dirty'... that would just be yuck...

 

How completely and utterly irresponsible. I can't even believe I'm reading this.