OWW Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Are there Others out there who are the same-sex as the MW / MH who is involved in a straight marriage? And to you BSes - would it make a difference to you if your spouse was cheating on you with someone of the same sex? I've heard some men would be fine with it - although I suspect there's a little male fantasy about joining in... but also the idea that sex without a dick really isn't sex. I'm the first (and only) woman my MW has been involved with, although I all my relationships have been with other women. I have just ended a long-term emotionally abusive relationship and this supportive friend has turned out to be more. As others have said, it wasn't what I intended. But God likes to laugh at us and test things we thought we believed strongly as black and white to show us the grey. I would like to hear others' experiences if you have any to share. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Does your MW have children? Sounds like your MW isn't a lesbian, and the chances of her leaving her husband (and kids if they have any) and divorcing are really slim to none. This is a whole life change, in so many ways, plus she would have to come out too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWW Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 I think you presume too much about what I want. I haven't discussed any of that, yet. And I don't need to label her, although you have much too little information yourself to do so. I am curious if there are others out there in this forum, and if people think that the gender of the other person does or does not make a difference. Personally, I think the base of the issues are the same, but others may have less issue with the "best friend", so I am curious as to other's thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Sorry. You're right. Just assumed.. Cheating is cheating, with another man or with another woman. Having sex and intimacy with someone other than one's spouse is betrayal and cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I can't say for certain, but I think I would have an easier time if I was cheated on hetero- than homosexually. There's a whole other level of lying when the AP is the same sex as the cheating spouse...the difference being "you promised to be faithful" vs "you should have told me you like men." The first being something they could have intended but failed at, the second being something they *should* have known. I agree, I don't think men feel the same as women do regarding this. Link to post Share on other sites
outofthedark Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Yep so he cheated, but you all knew that. Anyway.. for all the crap, lies, cheating etc.. it wasn't really that he "explored another man" it was that I kissed that mouth after he had it on another mans d**k. I guess that was it for me. The thought of him banging a guy didn't disgust me other than the cheating part, it was more the oh good god, I kissed your mouth after you did what with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWW Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 the second being something they *should* have known. It is easy to know your own sexuality securely and suggest that others should have known theirs, but really, this often isn't that easy. And even if they did know, accepting it and acting on it are still very different steps to take. Society does not give out big parties welcoming people who figure out that they are gay. No, sometimes they chain them to the back of pick-up trucks, beat them up and drag them down the road. Many of you have very, very strong opinions that cheating is wrong no matter what and you express them. Well for many folks, they have been raised to think being and acting on homosexual feelings is even worse than that. So, I'd be careful before I draw those conclusions, myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWW Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 it was more the oh good god, I kissed your mouth after you did what with it? Believe me it doesn't matter on which side of this you are on, anyone who is having sex with someone who is also having sex with a man feels the same way. I sure don't want her to blow him and then come kiss me... Thanks, but no thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Where to start.... One of my closest friends is about to marry (a symbolic gesture) her lover of almost two years. Previously, she was married to another friend of mine - a man. While they were married, she slept with numerous women AND men (one of the women was his own cousin). He didn't quite know how to handle it. He was devastated one moment, wanted to join in in another moment. They even went so far as to ask me if I was interested in a threesome (Umm...no). Either way, they were in the process of opening their marriage to allow her her same-sex experiences when he died suddenly. I have other stories from friends, but the common theme is: its more painful to find out that your spouse didn't A Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 On of my girlfriends had several same-sex and hetero affairs on her H (also a friend). He had agreed to an open marriage via swinging when he died suddenly (health-related, she didn't harm him). He was shell-shocked when she told him of the first time she did so. It was with a relative of his. They had only been married for about three months. Currently, she is about to marry her lesbian lover in a symbolic ceremony. But from what she tells me, she is cheating on her with men. This friend is truly bi-sexual. She will always long for one of each gender sexually. I won't tell her girlfriend/fiance (also a friend) of her actions, but I can imagine they would hurt her deeply as she is very butch and yet my girlfriend still desires a man. Personally, I think that no matter your sexual orientation, most would be hurt to find out that their lover is also interested in the gender opposite of the betrayed. Its like they really can't compete, no matter what they do short of allowing them to do it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Sorry about the double post. Dropped my mouse on the keyboard and didn't see that the previous post was actually submitted. Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 I’m bi and never really looked at being with another girl as cheating because it’s a girl. Other than one (who was completely against it) all my bfs were fine with it, but ONLY if they got to watch which I really didn’t have a problem with. To allow me to see other girls probably wouldn’t be the best if I was in a R though. Unlike when I date guys, I become emotionally attached to girls primarily, quickly, and whole-heartedly. More than once has a bf had to go thru my sadness over a “break-up” with a girl. On one occasion I even dumped my long-term bf because I fell crazy in love with a friend (who I was spending all my time with) trying to help her deal with her H walking out. And again, my xbf who decided he’d rather “share” me than lose me had to deal with me crying and depressed over her when it ended. Though I don’t think a f/f R is cheating I can understand the point of view from the person that says it is. You are sharing an intimate part of yourself with someone else. A bond that is only supposed to be shared with your partner, one reason that makes your R special from anyone else’s. But again most experiences for me have been “can I watch?” Even from guys (co-workers, friends, strangers) who I wasn’t even dating. However, I wouldn’t go for my bf dating another guy. Not that I look at is cheating, I just don’t like dating bi guys. I have told bfs knowing full well there was 0% chance of it happening, that they could date a guy if I could date a girl. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Personally, I think that no matter your sexual orientation, most would be hurt to find out that their lover is also interested in the gender opposite of the betrayed. Its like they really can't compete, no matter what they do short of allowing them to do it anyway. I was the BS of a serial cheater, and I can say that I was much more hurt when my SO had affairs with other men, because, just like NID says above, I felt totally powerless because I could not compete in this area. I could not offer what my SO was seeking. Link to post Share on other sites
outofthedark Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 yes, i had those feelings as well. Sad thing is that we are put into a position where we feel like we have to compete. What it comes down to though is that we cannot, man or woman. It isnt really about us now is it? Link to post Share on other sites
StarChick Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 I'm bi and hell yes it's cheating regardless if it's hetero or homo. (My opinion.) I've been married for 7 years and ever since I met my husband it's been no one but him. He's always known my orientation and would be deeply hurt if I cheated with either a man or a woman. Why? Because we're in a monogamous relationship. When you breach that commitment to your monogamous partner, regardless of the sex of the AP, it has the potential to devastate your partner. Some people may be turned on when they find out their partner is bi, but others aren't. And just because someone may be bi or gay doesn't automatically make them promiscuous. (I know, OP, that you never implied that on your post, but I've seen other posts on here from other people that seem to think a bi person = promiscuous. Go figure.) Link to post Share on other sites
StarChick Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 And apparently paragraph breaks don't transition from the preview process to the submit process. Sorry about that. Link to post Share on other sites
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