First post and probably the hardest

[stlblues]

Facts:

I am a MM with 2 kids under 5 (Unhappy in my M)

She is a MW. with 2 kids under 4 (Just ok in her M)

First friendship

Short A

Now trying to move on

 

Ok it all started a couple of years ago when I took a new job. My new role required me to be support for several areas of the plant. One of my "customers" was an attractive woman. She and I hit is off as friends from the start. We worked together on several projects and it was great. We were able to get things done and it was not like work at all. I never thought of her as being anything more than a good friend because she was a MW.

 

This continued for a couple of years. There was always some playful flirting or something simple, but never any real physical contact. We never kissed or held hands, nothing that would have ever been perceived as more than friends. We were very careful that even though it could be easily perceived that we were more than friends, we managed that perception and kept it clean. Our families had dinners together, and our kids played together. Everything was normal for friends.

 

Now the part that we should have seen coming. I can't put my finger on the day or time that it happened, but I think that I was first to start to see her different. We talked about it and we can't really say for sure who was first, but the dynamic changed. There was not one event that set off the emotional A. Looking back now, there is no doubt that it started way before we even knew it. We became Dependant on each other. Then it started, every free minute we had we started talking on the phone or emailing each other. There was very little time in a day when we were not in constant communication. This went on for at least 6 months, before it lead to more.

 

We stopped at the local bar after work one day. Not for anything more than to spend a little time talking. This was not a habit and was only the second time we had been anyplace together alone, outside of work. I did it, I tried to kiss her, and she resisted. That is to say that she said no as she pulled me in closer. I did not force her, I did try again. So, it happened. Just as she was leaving we kissed for the first time. Which cracked the damn that we had built, the next week we were back at the bar again and this time we kissed without hesitation. This was the start of our physical A, that lasted for only 6 weeks.

 

Two weeks into the physical A and 6 months into the emotional A, we started using the love word. Over the next month we found every chance we could to be alone together. We both knew that it would be hard to continue and it would be nearly impossible for her to get to an emotional place to leave her husband. Don't get me wrong, we talked about how great we would be together, but in our hearts we knew it would not happen. I of course held out hope. I was in love and I didn't want the feeling to end. I loved her like I was going to get to forever. I am positive she did the same.

 

Then it happened, her and her H were discussing their situation and he asked her about me and her. She couldn't lie. She told the whole story and there was a fight. She left him and the kids and went to a hotel for the night. After talking to me she was positive that there was no way he was ever going to take her back. I was scared because I had not prepared myself to just leave home at that moment. Don't misunderstand me, I would have in a second if I was positive that she was not going back. I didn't hesitate because of my desire to be with her, I did because of her attachment to him and the kids. The next day was a work day and we talked most of the day, but he called and wanted her to come home and talk about it. I agreed that she needed to go and talk to him. She did that and they decided to work it out for themselves and the kids.

 

I understand and support what she is doing. She was not as unhappy as I am, and if they can be happy it would most likely be best for the kids. So, the next couple of days were really hard for us. We had to break the habit of talking all the time. I am hurting inside and she is too. I know that if she is to move on and make it right with him I have to step all the way out of the picture. This NC stuff is hard! We have been able to have only professional contact, and it has been very little. Right now, I am trying to maintain that. It hurts so much. I see her in everything around me. We spent years being friends and now she is just gone. I know that she is in her office now thinking about this and me hurting and it is killing her as much as it is killing me. I just feel lost. She has a clear path to being better, and I am stuck in this place without anybody to share it with. I can't tell my friends and I can't tell my W.

 

Nothing worse than my world crashing down around me and nobody knowing it, but me.

 

I hope getting it out there for others to see might help me start to move on. Maybe?

[HarmonyHope]

I am unsure why, if you are truly very unhappy in the marriage, you don't just leave it regardless of what happens with the married other woman. You said you don't want to tell your wife of your affair, presumably because you're worried she'll leave you. That doesn't sound like someone who wants out of his marriage. So what do you want in terms of your marriage?

 

I see no reason why you can't you tell your wife that you are unhappy in the marriage and try to make it better. The other woman is now out of the picture, so you might as well give it a go with your wife if you don't want to leave her. Have you considered marriage counseling?

 

If nothing else, it might be wise to get into individual counseling for yourself to help you figure out what you really want and work on getting there. And as you said, you're going to need a place to process the heartbreak that you feel you cannot discuss with anyone else.

 

One other thought - it wouldn't be all that surprising if your other woman's husband calls or contacts your wife and informs her of what's going on. These things have a way of coming out. So it's really in your interest to go to counseling and figure out what you want ASAP.

[whichwayisup]

I was scared because I had not prepared myself to just leave home at that moment. Don't misunderstand me, I would have in a second if I was positive that she was not going back

 

See, this is the thing..You would be willing to leave your wife and kids ONLY if she was going to leave her husband and kids.. Why not end your marriage first, reguardless of what she does or doesn't do?

 

She's chosen to work on things at home, make a go of it all..Why don't you do the same thing? Obviously you did love your wife at some point, enough to marry her and have 2 kids with her. What changed? What made you love your wife less and make you choose to cheat and betray her?

[Fallen Angel]

I agree with the other responses. If you are that unhappy in your own marriage then you should either do what you need to do to make it better, or get out, regardless of what your MOW is doing.

 

Staying in an unhappy/unhealthy marriage is not doing ANYONE any favors. It is not good for you, it is not good for your wife, and it is not good for your children.

 

Seek out a good counselor and if you want to try to better your marriage a good marriage counselor as well. Get professional help to decide what you need to do in order to make your life all it can be.

 

I know a lot of men stay because they think it is kindest to the wife to do so, but the truth is, if you are that unhappy then you are being unfair to your wife. She deserves someone who will love her completely and as long as you are there, she will never have that.

 

Make a choice, and work towards that end. In time your MOW may make a different choice for her life, but what she chooses to do or not do should have no bearing on the choices you make right now.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

I'm in the exact same place you are. She can't leave and has chosen to work on things with her H and her kids. Day 14 for me on NC and its killing me. I know she's have a hard time too. I know she's doing it to be responsible and its not what she really wants. And like you, I can't talk to anyone about it. I have to find places where I'm alone to let some of it out. Usually its while I'm driving from one place or another. Friends, family do not understand yet they know some of whats been going on. Yes I know what you're going through. As for my M, I'm hoping that when the fog I hear about so much on this site clears and I'm thinking more clearly (provided I'm really in a fog) I can figure things out there. My W knows about the EA and is working her azz off to be better, but I just can't see it, and I don't want it, and I don't accept it. All I can think about is my AP. Maybe that will change once I'm clear of this(if that ever happens). If not, I will decide to end it and move on regardless of what happens with my AP.

 

Also HarmonyHope is right, the OW's H might call your W and fill her in on things. My W and her H have had several conversations. I've had the joys of taking his abuse too. Not pleasant. Be aware of that.

 

Hang in there. This is the most painful emotionally draining thing I've ever experienced and I hope it gets easier as time goes by, for me and for you and all the others on this site that are going through it. For me though, the way she made me feel, all this was and always will be worth it and I will never forget her or regret what we shared.

[JamesM]

I agree with the others. I would reiterate that....

 

1. You were unhappy in your marriage. This may be why you looked at her differently. It may not be that she suddenly became wife material but that your wife no longer appealed to you. The only way to really know if she is worth spending "forever" with is by leaving your wife and choosing the OW. Many times when we leave our wife and then look back, the wife is actually the better choice.

 

Unhappiness in marriage can be situational and solved many more times than people believe. Too often they leave and regret not doing more work before they left.

 

2. I question how unhappy she was. Being that she was having an affair with you, then of course she would never say she was happy. Being "okay" with it means she didn't plan on leaving. There was something missing and it probably was an emotional connection with her husband. When she realized that he might leave her, then she realized how much he meant to her.

 

3. And as many in affairs say....you had "love" for each other. I think you will find as time goes on that what you thought was love was an addiction to the exciting feelings that were generated by the affair. Affairs and new relationships can be exciting, but that does not mean it is love. I think that you wanted the feelings to keep going on and this convinced you it was love.

 

4. As I read many of the stories here, a number of the BS find out about the affair from the affair partner's wife or husband. This is more devastating to the cheater's marriage than if he or she told the BS him or herself. I think in this case being that your families are friends, it would be best for you to reveal the affair to your wife.

 

So...moving on IMO means examining what you had and why you had it. It means sitting down with your wife and deciding what the future holds for the two of you. It may mean complete and open honesty about what you and your wife's "friend" did. And then let the chips fall where they may.

[whichwayisup]

Life is rough with 2 kids under the age of 5. I guess I can assume that your wife, mother of your 2 children doesn't have alot of time for you, and she's tired, isn't into having sex, right? And, you feel neglected, your needs aren't being met .. So, in comes the MW, someone who pays attention to you, makes you feel needed, wanted and desired.. You start feeling good about yourself, because of how MW makes you feel.

 

Am I getting close?

 

The A continues, the more you are with MW, the less you feel towards your wife.. You have detached yourself from her and your family life at home, justifying that she (your wife) is too busy to notice and that's your greenlight to do what you want, as she's busy with the kids, etc..etc..

 

Let me ask - How long have you been married? When was the last time you took your wife out on a date? Got a babysitter and romanced your wife, made her feel special and loved?

[theflagal]

What you need is honest communication. Why didn't you take the time to make your marriage a good one. Unhappy? Do something about it. Like tell your wife lets get away for the weekend. Take her out for dinner, bring her a small flower or plant. Make her a meal. So busy emailing and calling someone else no time for a marriage. Grow up and deal with how selfish and dishonest you are. If you need a change go to Baskin & Robbins for an ice cream they have 31 or more flavors. Because that is what your issue is.

[stlblues]

1. You were unhappy in your marriage. This may be why you looked at her differently. It may not be that she suddenly became wife material but that your wife no longer appealed to you. The only way to really know if she is worth spending "forever" with is by leaving your wife and choosing the OW. Many times when we leave our wife and then look back, the wife is actually the better choice.

 

Let’s start here and I will take a little bit of time to explain my current relationship. I have been married for 10 years. There are many reasons I am not happy with my current relationship.

 

- The emotional needs of my wife do not match the emotional needs that I have. We have really not ever gotten to that place where can be content emotionally.

- I feel that in my house I can not have any emotions. If there is something that I do not agree with or have a right to get upset about, she just cries. She breaks down and loses it. We do not ever fight, ever. I spend all my time keeping the peace. She is diagnosed with manic-depression and takes her medication, but there is still that part to deal with.

- Many times I am feeling like no matter what I do, I can’t make things happy at home. I have over the years tried so many different things to make her happy and it just never seems to work. Other than my MOW, I have not felt loved since just after I was married.

 

All of you are right, I should just man up and leave either way. I never really considered it an option until my MOW came into the picture. I am just scared for the kids, and her ability to handle the situation of me just leaving. I don’t really think my MOW would have helped much in that other than to have a stable mother type to be there for the kids.

 

I have been in this place with my W for a long time. So I can’t say that MOW was the cause for feeling or separation from my W.

 

 

2. I question how unhappy she was. Being that she was having an affair with you, then of course she would never say she was happy. Being "okay" with it means she didn't plan on leaving. There was something missing and it probably was an emotional connection with her husband. When she realized that he might leave her, then she realized how much he meant to her.

She carries a significantly higher religious and mental commitment to her obligations than I do. She often described her relationship with her H as “good enough”. After we started our A and she saw what kind of relationship is possible she was really torn between her head and her heart. This is the place, where doing the “right” thing will most of the time win out. Which is why we are where we are…

3. And as many in affairs say....you had "love" for each other. I think you will find as time goes on that what you thought was love was an addiction to the exciting feelings that were generated by the affair. Affairs and new relationships can be exciting, but that does not mean it is love. I think that you wanted the feelings to keep going on and this convinced you it was love.

 

I would agree if it had not been for the years building up to it. Sure some of it was the newness, I can’t argue that. Even if we lost half of the feelings we had for each other, I think that we would still be miles ahead of our current relationships.

 

4. As I read many of the stories here, a number of the BS find out about the affair from the affair partner's wife or husband. This is more devastating to the cheater's marriage than if he or she told the BS him or herself. I think in this case being that your families are friends, it would be best for you to reveal the affair to your wife.

As for the MOW’s H calling my W, there is little chance of that because of his convections. He is a very different kind of man, and he would love to hurt me, but he is not going to do it at the cost of another person. It is still possible, but I am pretty comfortable in that he will not make that call. MOW shares that same confidence.

 

 

This leaves me to decide what I am going to do next. I really don’t know and I think that I am too close to this thing ending to make any decision on that. Acting now would seem to be too fast and more of a reaction than an action.

[stlblues]

I'm in the exact same place you are. She can't leave and has chosen to work on things with her H and her kids. Day 14 for me on NC and its killing me. I know she's have a hard time too. I know she's doing it to be responsible and its not what she really wants.........For me though, the way she made me feel, all this was and always will be worth it and I will never forget her or regret what we shared.

 

I really appreciate you sharing, it really gives me hope to know that I am not the only one out there going through all of this. It sounds like you love her very much and I know how that feels. I wouldn't take any of it back, not for anything. This pain now sucks, but knowing the feeling I got from her smile makes it all worth while.

 

If you can make it to day 14 so can I, I am stuck here at day 1 of NC.

 

Thanks for the hope.

[Lizzie60]

This is not easy... you love another woman and you're stuck with a woman you don't love anymore.. because of the kids IMO...

 

If I were you... I would divorce ... move on your own.. and maybe that would incite your OW to move in with you.. she, most likely, will be verrrry worried and probably jealous that you are now on your own and free to date all the women you want..

 

Good luck.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

This is not easy... you love another woman and you're stuck with a woman you don't love anymore.. because of the kids IMO...

 

If I were you... I would divorce ... move on your own.. and maybe that would incite your OW to move in with you.. she, most likely, will be verrrry worried and probably jealous that you are now on your own and free to date all the women you want..

 

Good luck.

 

 

If you really love her, with that love comes respect. You should also respect her choices too. Don't play games to influence her. If she can't be with you, I'm sure that she has her reasons and it probably isn't because she doesn't want to. Mom's need their kids and they tend to do more for others in their lives than themselves. They put their happiness last. Respect that. Show her how much you love her by letting her make her decisions on her own. Focus on you, your decisions, and see if you can figure out whats wrong in your M and if it can be fixed. If you can't fall in love again with your W, then as others have said, you should move on because your W deserves to be loved. Its not fair to her. Thats what I'm trying to figure out now. My W certainly didn't deserve any of this.

 

I do get worried about my AP contacting me again with every day that passes. As each day comes to an end, I'm devastated that she didn't. It is a rough place to be and I'm looking forward to letting my head clear so I can start living my life again. It does get slightly easier each day. I think I'm now about a .05 on a scale of 1000, but its better than a .01 or 0.00.

 

Hang in there.

[whichwayisup]

So if your wife didn't have manic depression, would you still want to be with her? I know you said she's on meds, but is she doing therapy as well?

 

Yes, that takes a toll on a marriage, it's not easy.. But, YOU need to make a decision. Stick with her and live your vows, keep your family together or cut bail, make child custody arrangements etc and divorce. To stay and cheat, one way or another is NOT helping..

 

Is she functional? Like if you do divorce, is she going to go off the deep end? Are you the stable parent, enough to have full custody of your kids? You need to think about ALL this stuff and then some..

[whichwayisup]

Another thing, you can't be scared of her depression and any reaction she may have if you two DO have a fight or an arguement. Check out depressionfallout and do some reading, download the book too.

 

Just because she's manic, doesn't get off the hook of having honest discussions and talks...Unless she isn't functioning, can't get out of bed and is suicidal.. And if THAT is going on, she needs serious help, as well as your kids..When one is depressed and has mental illness it affects EVERYONE in the household, so make sure your kids are OK, even though they're young, they will pick up on energy and attitudes around the house.

[Brokenlady]

- The emotional needs of my wife do not match the emotional needs that I have. We have really not ever gotten to that place where can be content emotionally.

- I feel that in my house I can not have any emotions. If there is something that I do not agree with or have a right to get upset about, she just cries. She breaks down and loses it. We do not ever fight, ever. I spend all my time keeping the peace. She is diagnosed with manic-depression and takes her medication, but there is still that part to deal with.

- Many times I am feeling like no matter what I do, I can’t make things happy at home. I have over the years tried so many different things to make her happy and it just never seems to work. Other than my MOW, I have not felt loved since just after I was married.

 

All of you are right, I should just man up and leave either way. I never really considered it an option until my MOW came into the picture. I am just scared for the kids, and her ability to handle the situation of me just leaving. I don’t really think my MOW would have helped much in that other than to have a stable mother type to be there for the kids.

 

I have been in this place with my W for a long time. So I can’t say that MOW was the cause for feeling or separation from my W.

 

These things sound very much like my DM (Divorced Man). He was married longer than you and his kids were older than yours, but he felt like he provided the only stability in the home. Much of the marriage was spent acquiescing to things just to keep the peace. He was terrified to divorce and worried about the fallout both on his kids directly, and how his ex-wife might inflict emotional injury on the kids because of her upset. She is a very emotionally intense person, and that was difficult for him to handle. He also regarded his wife as a child, and incapable of caring for herself without him. She was very dependent on him, and it took a lot of convincing that she could live independently like every other adult if he left.

 

For him, it sounded alot like what Jennie-Jennie here describes as a split-self affair. Being torn between love/passion and a sense of duty. He seems to be happier now that he and his wife are divorced, but he is struggling with reshaping their relationship into one of platonic co-parenting. It takes a lot of time.

 

There are other married men here who have been in your shoes, but they post less. You might want to check out Devil Inside's threads. He had an affair with a married woman who left her husband. He didn't divorce, so she left him and he's been struggling with that loss and reconciling his marriage. Over in the Infidelity section, there's a poster - Notsure7 who described much of what you describe about your wife and situation, decided to confess and leave his W. In the course of the confession, he changed his mind and has been trying to reconcile ever since.

 

This leaves me to decide what I am going to do next. I really don’t know and I think that I am too close to this thing ending to make any decision on that. Acting now would seem to be too fast and more of a reaction than an action.

 

You're right. You want to make a careful decision. I strongly encourage you to seek out counseling for yourself to figure this all out.

[JamesM]

Since you have been so open and honest, I will try to respond in like. Nothing I say is meant in judgment. Truthfully, I understand many of your feelings from my own experiences. However, my wife is not manic depressive but has had depression problems and other pain issues. In my case, she remains my best friend...this is a huge key. It could easily be different if either of us "let it be." I have been married almost twenty years, and our kids are older.

 

- The emotional needs of my wife do not match the emotional needs that I have. We have really not ever gotten to that place where can be content emotionally.

 

Why did you two get married? And being ignorant and you were young is a weak answer. What bond did you have then?

 

- I feel that in my house I can not have any emotions. If there is something that I do not agree with or have a right to get upset about, she just cries. She breaks down and loses it. We do not ever fight, ever. I spend all my time keeping the peace. She is diagnosed with manic-depression and takes her medication, but there is still that part to deal with.

 

I understand, but I am thinking that it is more about avoidance issues than her mental issues. You avoid the confrontation. I have and do that, too. If you spend the time keeping the peace, then she must be telling you about her concerns and issues with you, yes?

 

Manic depression is a difficult thing to deal with. I have a friend who has a wife like that. I don't know the details but he has stuck it out. They could be getting along great...I don't know.

 

Does the medication help? And BTW, with manic depression, she shouldn't be crying all of the time. She should be very manic and then depressed...or did I read that wrong? What happens in her manic stage?

 

- Many times I am feeling like no matter what I do, I can’t make things happy at home. I have over the years tried so many different things to make her happy and it just never seems to work. Other than my MOW, I have not felt loved since just after I was married.

 

Again, why did you marry? Was there never love? Does she try to make you happy or have you chosen the role of making her happy? And how did it get that way?

 

I am just scared for the kids, and her ability to handle the situation of me just leaving.

 

You may not want to hear this, but that is a good reason to stay and not one to be ashamed of. I just wonder if your wife has been properly treated. I am sure you have exhausted all possible avenues of treatment already.

 

Making your wife happy should not be your only goal. It should be about making your family and her healthy IMO.

 

I would agree if it had not been for the years building up to it. Sure some of it was the newness, I can’t argue that.

 

I think the failings of your marriage brought you to this woman not necessarily this woman. And that is why it is good to examine your marriage without expectations of this woman. The OW could be your "escape" and then when you do escape you would regret being with her. It is better to leave and then heal from what you feel is a bad marriage before getting into a new relationship.

 

As for the MOW’s H calling my W, there is little chance of that because of his convictions. He is a very different kind of man, and he would love to hurt me, but he is not going to do it at the cost of another person.

 

One never knows what might set him off. Someone might tell him that it is his religious obligation to your wife even if it hurts her. But that aside, pushing this under the rug and avoiding the issues that brought you to that point does nothing for you and allows your wife to be enabled by you. The next woman that attracts you will be your next affair until you resolve the issues that brought you into this one.

 

 

This leaves me to decide what I am going to do next. I really don’t know and I think that I am too close to this thing ending to make any decision on that. Acting now would seem to be too fast and more of a reaction than an action.

 

I agree. BUT...from what I read (and eerily it is similar to me), I can see you setting this aside as not important and forgetting it until the next situation arises. You will put your feelings aside for the sake of your family instead of blending your feelings with the needs and feelings of your family.

 

Letting your wife rule what direction the family goes is not only damaging to you but to your kids. Remember me mentioning a friend in a similar situation? He did his best to keep everything together. He did well. But now the result is that his kids are not all turning out as he had hoped. They viewed the parents as not a team but as conflicting. This gave them confusing ideas on what was expected for them in the family.

 

Resolving this is the best thing for you and your kids. Avoiding this is an option that will only bring future grief.

 

Perhaps this affair happened to bring you to this crossroads. What you do is up to you. What you do will affect not only you but your children. Leaving only because your needs are not met will be forgetting the needs of your children and their future. And do not forget that you married your wife for a reason. Perhaps you still can bring her to a much healthier mental condition.

[Jaspe_Loco]

My MW ended our A because she wanted to try to work things out with her H. At the time, her kids were 1 and 4. There was professional contact only for nearly a year, and then one day she told me that she wasn't going to waste any more time trying to save her marriage. She was going to wait until the kids were a little older and leave. It was another 2 months until I decided to begin our relationship again, and about 6 months before we both decided (or at least admitted) that we wanted to be together.

 

In short, the time apart only made us certain that we wanted to be together. That year was very difficult at times, but we both needed it.

[lkjh]

Let’s start here and I will take a little bit of time to explain my current relationship. I have been married for 10 years. There are many reasons I am not happy with my current relationship.

 

- The emotional needs of my wife do not match the emotional needs that I have. We have really not ever gotten to that place where can be content emotionally.

- I feel that in my house I can not have any emotions. If there is something that I do not agree with or have a right to get upset about, she just cries. She breaks down and loses it. We do not ever fight, ever. I spend all my time keeping the peace. She is diagnosed with manic-depression and takes her medication, but there is still that part to deal with.

- Many times I am feeling like no matter what I do, I can’t make things happy at home. I have over the years tried so many different things to make her happy and it just never seems to work. Other than my MOW, I have not felt loved since just after I was married.

 

All of you are right, I should just man up and leave either way. I never really considered it an option until my MOW came into the picture. I am just scared for the kids, and her ability to handle the situation of me just leaving. I don’t really think my MOW would have helped much in that other than to have a stable mother type to be there for the kids.

 

I have been in this place with my W for a long time. So I can’t say that MOW was the cause for feeling or separation from my W.

 

 

 

She carries a significantly higher religious and mental commitment to her obligations than I do. She often described her relationship with her H as “good enough”. After we started our A and she saw what kind of relationship is possible she was really torn between her head and her heart. This is the place, where doing the “right” thing will most of the time win out. Which is why we are where we are…

 

 

I would agree if it had not been for the years building up to it. Sure some of it was the newness, I can’t argue that. Even if we lost half of the feelings we had for each other, I think that we would still be miles ahead of our current relationships.

 

 

As for the MOW’s H calling my W, there is little chance of that because of his convections. He is a very different kind of man, and he would love to hurt me, but he is not going to do it at the cost of another person. It is still possible, but I am pretty comfortable in that he will not make that call. MOW shares that same confidence.

 

 

This leaves me to decide what I am going to do next. I really don’t know and I think that I am too close to this thing ending to make any decision on that. Acting now would seem to be too fast and more of a reaction than an action.

 

Load of crap, if she was that religious she would not have entered into the affair. She flat out told you that her decision was based on if her H would take her back. According to your fist post when he threw her out she said it was over because he wouldn't take her back after this, then when he decided to give her a second chance she took it.

 

man up, if you dislike your married life that much get a divorce, don't break up two families and try to build some bs sob story. This isn't the lifetime network its real life

[stlblues]

Why did you two get married? And being ignorant and you were young is a weak answer. What bond did you have then?

 

I ask myself that now, I know that young and ignorant is a bad answer. I loved her, I am sure that I felt a bond. I also was in a position that I was graduating from school and she was older and established. I am sure that was attractive. I didn’t know the extent of her problems at that time. She kept it hidden mostly. Looking back there were signs that I should have seen, but I am sure that I was blinded by the same infatuation that makes my MOW look so good now.

 

 

I understand, but I am thinking that it is more about avoidance issues than her mental issues. You avoid the confrontation. I have and do that, too. If you spend the time keeping the peace, then she must be telling you about her concerns and issues with you, yes? ……..

 

Does the medication help? And BTW, with manic depression, she shouldn't be crying all of the time. She should be very manic and then depressed...or did I read that wrong? What happens in her manic stage?

 

Today is a great example of how I fall onto my sword. My parents are in town and I left work a little early picked the kids up from daycare and took them home. This was to prevent my parents from having to run out and get them. I didn’t even think twice about it. I had an understanding in my head that my W was working until 9:00 pm. At 5:30 I get a text asking where I am. So I called her and told her that I was home with the kids. She is very angry and crying on the phone because she had driven 15 miles out of her way to go and get the kids and they were not there. In my mind this was a simple miscommunication, she worked until 5:00 not 9:00. I should have called her or she could have called me. It should have been simple and a simple sorry should have fixed it. Instead she tells me that she is not going to come right home because she is angry and is going to go back to work for a little while. She gets home at 7:30 and she stomps into the bedroom and does not come back out until almost 10:00. Once she comes out she act like nothing ever happened.

 

It is like her meds line her out almost all of the time, but if there is any external stimulation then she goes off the deep end about it. I mean she was ANGRY, and I said sorry a hundred times. I felt like yelling WTF, it was something stupid that we missed. It does not have to be a big deal. But it would have only made it worse. Just one place where I have to make it all ok and go with the flow and not have any emotions.

 

 

Again, why did you marry? Was there never love? Does she try to make you happy or have you chosen the role of making her happy? And how did it get that way?

 

Very good questions, I am sure there was love and I still do love her. I don’t see how she is ever trying to make me happy. I also think that over time I have slowly stopped trying to make her happy. I used to do a lot more, but she complained enough that I have stopped. I used to send her flowers all the time, until she told me to stop.

 

 

I think the failings of your marriage brought you to this woman not necessarily this woman. And that is why it is good to examine your marriage without expectations of this woman. The OW could be your "escape" and then when you do escape you would regret being with her. It is better to leave and then heal from what you feel is a bad marriage before getting into a new relationship.

 

I agree, but it is hard now. I have seen how it all could be different and I want that a lot. Sure, you could say that my MOW was an escape from my current situation. In fact, that is what she would have been. The problem is that I never considered leaving because I didn’t know what was possible. Now that I have seen what I believe a true loving relationship can feel like, the decision to leave or stay is weighing heavy on my mind. It is most likely better that the MOW is out of the picture for this part.

 

 

 

I agree. BUT...from what I read (and eerily it is similar to me), I can see you setting this aside as not important and forgetting it until the next situation arises. You will put your feelings aside for the sake of your family instead of blending your feelings with the needs and feelings of your family.

 

This is scary, but it feels like what I am already trying to do. I feel like if I can put all of these feeling for the MOW into a box and close the lid then I don’t have to deal with the loss. I can feel better and I can just fall back into my normal painful life. Never really getting any better. This is so bad to do because it just opens that gap between my and my family even further.

 

 

Perhaps this affair happened to bring you to this crossroads. What you do is up to you. What you do will affect not only you but your children. Leaving only because your needs are not met will be forgetting the needs of your children and their future. And do not forget that you married your wife for a reason. Perhaps you still can bring her to a much healthier mental condition.

 

This is the hardest points in my life. I am still feeling like my insides are falling out. I miss my connection with MOW do much. I don’t think that I am in a good place in my head to even begin to deal with this stuff at home directly. When I went through that stuff today, all I could think about is why am I even bothering. If MOW would have still been in the picture I might have just walked away from my W in that moment. I don’t know. I just need to get to where I can at least feel neutral before I do anything. I think?

[stlblues]

There are other married men here who have been in your shoes, but they post less. You might want to check out Devil Inside's threads. He had an affair with a married woman who left her husband. He didn't divorce, so she left him and he's been struggling with that loss and reconciling his marriage. Over in the Infidelity section, there's a poster - Notsure7 who described much of what you describe about your wife and situation, decided to confess and leave his W. In the course of the confession, he changed his mind and has been trying to reconcile ever since.

 

I would have never found these guys, I really appreciate it. I helps to know that even if the situations were not exactally the same, they are close enough to help me.

 

I just wish it was 6 months from now and I was not hurting like this and I had a clear head. Maybe it will never be clear again.

[stlblues]

If you really love her, with that love comes respect. You should also respect her choices too. Don't play games to influence her. If she can't be with you, I'm sure that she has her reasons and it probably isn't because she doesn't want to. Mom's need their kids and they tend to do more for others in their lives than themselves. They put their happiness last. Respect that. Show her how much you love her by letting her make her decisions on her own. Focus on you, your decisions, and see if you can figure out whats wrong in your M and if it can be fixed. If you can't fall in love again with your W, then as others have said, you should move on because your W deserves to be loved. Its not fair to her. Thats what I'm trying to figure out now. My W certainly didn't deserve any of this.

 

I do get worried about my AP contacting me again with every day that passes. As each day comes to an end, I'm devastated that she didn't. It is a rough place to be and I'm looking forward to letting my head clear so I can start living my life again. It does get slightly easier each day. I think I'm now about a .05 on a scale of 1000, but its better than a .01 or 0.00.

 

Hang in there.

 

Man, you read my heart and mind. This is how I feel about all of this. I am with you 100%. I love her so damn much that I am going to have to let her go and do what she needs to do.

 

I started the day at .01 and now at .015.

 

Thanks!

[stlblues]

Another thing, you can't be scared of her depression and any reaction she may have if you two DO have a fight or an arguement. Check out depressionfallout and do some reading, download the book too.

 

Just because she's manic, doesn't get off the hook of having honest discussions and talks...Unless she isn't functioning, can't get out of bed and is suicidal.. And if THAT is going on, she needs serious help, as well as your kids..When one is depressed and has mental illness it affects EVERYONE in the household, so make sure your kids are OK, even though they're young, they will pick up on energy and attitudes around the house.

 

I have book marked the site and I will spend some time reading. It at least on a first pass might give me some incite.

 

She is functional and fairly stable. It is the unpredictable outbursts that come from something setting her off that I am really worried about. If you didn't see it I wrote a simple story from today in a post or two above this one. I think it helps explain things.

[stlblues]

My MW ended our A because she wanted to try to work things out with her H. At the time, her kids were 1 and 4. There was professional contact only for nearly a year, and then one day she told me that she wasn't going to waste any more time trying to save her marriage. She was going to wait until the kids were a little older and leave. It was another 2 months until I decided to begin our relationship again, and about 6 months before we both decided (or at least admitted) that we wanted to be together.

 

In short, the time apart only made us certain that we wanted to be together. That year was very difficult at times, but we both needed it.

 

I think that this would be the best thing that could happen to me. I also think that it is what WhereToGoFromHere and I are really hoping for.

 

Thanks for sharing and letting me know that even though she is going, she might not be gone forever.

[torranceshipman]

Don't you think part of the reason that your wife might be on edge and crying all the time is because she suspects you of an A, and is kind of heartbroken over the fact that her H has completely emotionally checked out of the M? I am sure you are very different at home and she really picks up on this, on top of the exhaustion she already has with raising 2 under-5 yr old kids. I'm not negating anything you've said about her - possibly she's a lot for you to handle with the depression! - but at the same time, acknowledge the problem you have created for her at home, day after day, where she can tell something is really off. Maybe she even knows.

 

If you are that unhappy and you don't think you can fix anything then get a D.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

I think that this would be the best thing that could happen to me. I also think that it is what WhereToGoFromHere and I are really hoping for.

 

Thanks for sharing and letting me know that even though she is going, she might not be gone forever.

 

YES! I'll admit it, Jaspe_Loco's story gives me hope too.