The Good, the Bad and the Ugly...

[spiraling downward]

The Good:

 

My former MW is now an XMW and currently my fiancée... we have been living together now for about 2 months.

 

Our communication about relationship matters is still top notch... I believe we both know the score about our relationship, so we re-assure each other daily of our love and committment. (ie. the built-in trust problems in a relationship that started in an affair.)

 

We really have a compatible sense of humor with each other and we keep our time together light and fun as much as possible. We've already had our share of disagreements, but we remain tolerant and respectful of each other's positions and we make sure we patch things up before we go to bed each night.

 

Her two pre-teen boys seem to like me... I interact with them (sometimes sitting down a playing games with them and their friends, for example) I really don't try to be their dad though. I'm just there for them. We encourage their relationship with their father and are pretty good at not letting any of the negative talk about him reach their ears. The boys are fairly well adjusted to their new life, but every now and then some anger does pop up...

 

The boys are doing fairly well in school, have a lot of new friends and we are able to generally maintain a calm and peaceful environment for them at home. (other than raising boys of that age and hell raising that they like to do!)

 

We are able to maintain a fairly structured life for them.

 

As for us, we understand that it is a continual daily choice to love and care for each other.

 

The Bad:

 

Her now ex is still a sociopath. We've managed to stay a step ahead of him throughout the whole divorce proceeding, as he was very easy to predict... but he's still a pain to deal with sometimes. There's not much he can control in the life of my fiancée any longer.... but what he can control, he plays it for what it's worth. Fortunately, he runs from any direct confrontation and backs down.

 

The Ugly:

 

Her oldest (adult) son hates me. During the divorce, my fiancée had a physical altercation with him. I was standing back a ways... as the altercation broke out... he tackled her to the ground and pinned her there. I of course, intervened. He got up when he saw me coming... took a couple of swings (and landed them). Well that pissed me off. I went after him... grabbed him and took him to the ground myself and sat on him. He was not a happy camper. Anyway, he said a lot of very terrible things to me about what he was going to do to me and my kids... but I stayed cool and just restrained him until he could calm down a bit. It didn't go much further than that... but he has all of his anger directed at me now. It's the way it goes.

 

He lives with his father and the people around him are feeding his anger and hatred. It's really a very unfortunate situation. So this is a long term and lingering issue for us. My fiancée is making some progress with him in repairing her relationship with him.... but I'm going to stay in the background and out of his life for a very long time. Only if he one day decides to accept his mom and myself together.

 

He has no problem with his dad and dad's girlfriend.... They got together openly about a week after my fiancée physically moved out of that household. From our perspective, this seems a bit convoluted timewise... but I'm sure from the son's perspective, the events that happened this summer distorted time just a bit.

 

Well, I know that the odds of a successful relationship starting in an affair is somewhere in the 1% to 3% range.... We seem to be managing so far.

 

Just thought I would give the forum an update.

Edited December 1, 2009 by spiraling downward

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why are you so surprised you wouldnt be the focal point of his anger, he looks at you like the man who was partially responsible for breaking up his marriage.

 

And if I was him I would have killed you on that lawn that day myself too..

 

Who are you to get involved, the father should have been the one to break up the fight not you. and for you involving yourself in matters where your not concerned should have never happened. And the the two youngest are probably young and dont understand the concepts of affairs but if they was all the same age, you can bet they would have a similar reaction!

 

But yet you got what you wanted so why do you even care really?

 

Your fiancee' cheated on her husband to be with you when she was married.

 

so you think it wont happen to you!?

 

Of course the ex is gonna hate you, you slept with his former wife! No one said it was gonna be a cakewalk!

[spiraling downward]

Why are you so surprised you wouldnt be the focal point of his anger, he looks at you like the man who was partially responsible for breaking up his marriage.

 

And if I was him I would have killed you on that lawn that day myself too..

 

Who are you to get involved, the father should have been the one to break up the fight not you. and for you involving yourself in matters where your not concerned should have never happened. And the the two youngest are probably young and dont understand the concepts of affairs but if they was all the same age, you can bet they would have a similar reaction!

 

But yet you got what you wanted so why do you even care really?

 

Your fiancee' cheated on her husband to be with you when she was married.

 

so you think it wont happen to you!?

 

Of course the ex is gonna hate you, you slept with his former wife! No one said it was gonna be a cakewalk!

 

Did I act suprised with what I just wrote? I just layed out the facts of what transpired... just food for thought. Just being frank and telling the truth.

 

You as a tough guy would have killed me, eh? Fortunately I can measure out a response for a situation, otherwise I would fight to the death. I sure as hell wasn't going to let him do any further damage to his mother. She had contusions all over her face, arms and body. The boy was out of control.

 

We were the ones who went to the police and reported the incident... the father's side didn't attempt to do anything about this situation.

 

And what if it does happen to me? Then we will be over and I'll move on... it's very simple. Like I said though, I believe that we both know the score.

 

Oh, one more thing... the father was off running around with his girlfriend.... leaving the oldest son unsupervised.... is that commendable and honorable to you?

Edited December 1, 2009 by spiraling downward

[jwi71]

It seems like you're sitting on a powder keg with the eldest son and physical altercations NEED to be reported to the police. Frankly, the son should have gone to jail for assault and domestic violence.

 

What actions are you taking to "deal" with the eldest son's anger?

Have you considered family therapy to help all adjust and cope with what is a traumatic experience?

[spiraling downward]

It seems like you're sitting on a powder keg with the eldest son and physical altercations NEED to be reported to the police. Frankly, the son should have gone to jail for assault and domestic violence.

 

What actions are you taking to "deal" with the eldest son's anger?

Have you considered family therapy to help all adjust and cope with what is a traumatic experience?

 

I must have been editing my post when you made your post.... yes, we were the ones that went to the police that very night to report the incident... on the father's side of things.... they literally did absolutely nothing! The only thing they did was get a civil order to keep my fiancee away from the marital property.

 

My fiancee got paperwork from the court that ordered that the oldest son be required to go to counceling.... but his father did not do anything about this. There is little that we could do about it as the oldest son was in the primary care of his father.... he is now of legal age.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Did I act suprised with what I just wrote? I just layed out the facts of what transpired... just food for thought. Just being frank and telling the truth.

 

You as a tough guy would have killed me, eh? Fortunately I can measure out a response for a situation, otherwise I would fight to the death. I sure as hell wasn't going to let him do any further damage to his mother. She had contusions all over her face, arms and body. The boy was out of control.

 

We were the ones who went to the police and reported the incident... the father's side didn't attempt to do anything about this situation.

 

And what if it does happen to me? Then we will be over and I'll move on... it's very simple. Like I said though, I believe that we both know the score.

 

Oh, one more thing... the father was off running around with his girlfriend.... leaving the oldest son unsupervised.... is that commendable and honorable to you?

 

Well we would have both died that day, huh?

 

The boy was outta control, well who the hell are you to make that assumption and yes it was wrong to hit his mother but remember she was there, she's in the wrong, she should have just left. But let me guess she couldnt keep her mouth closed. Confronting this guy in his fit of anger was wrong for her to do.

 

But if they are repairing they're relationship, good for them,all is forgiven, your porbably still mad he chin checked you.

[spiraling downward]

Well we would have both died that day, huh?

 

The boy was outta control, well who the hell are you to make that assumption and yes it was wrong to hit his mother but remember she was there, she's in the wrong, she should have just left. But let me guess she couldnt keep her mouth closed. Confronting this guy in his fit of anger was wrong for her to do.

 

Well, I made that assumption when he had his mother's face shoved into the dirt... I suppose I should have just stood there and watched? She is his mother after all and he shouldn't have been saying the awful things he was saying to her. She could have done a better job of managing the situation herself... I just put a stop to the physical conflict.

 

But if they are repairing they're relationship, good for them,all is forgiven, your porbably still mad he chin checked you.

 

Yeah, I didn't like it one bit... but I'm willing to let it go (and have so), if he ever comes around to being civil with us.

[Jaspe_Loco]

The Good:

 

My former MW is now an XMW and currently my fiancée... we have been living together now for about 2 months.

 

Our communication about relationship matters is still top notch... I believe we both know the score about our relationship, so we re-assure each other daily of our love and committment. (ie. the built-in trust problems in a relationship that started in an affair.)

 

We really have a compatible sense of humor with each other and we keep our time together light and fun as much as possible. We've already had our share of disagreements, but we remain tolerant and respectful of each other's positions and we make sure we patch things up before we go to bed each night.

 

Her two pre-teen boys seem to like me... I interact with them (sometimes sitting down a playing games with them and their friends, for example) I really don't try to be their dad though. I'm just there for them. We encourage their relationship with their father and are pretty good at not letting any of the negative talk about him reach their ears. The boys are fairly well adjusted to their new life, but every now and then some anger does pop up...

 

The boys are doing fairly well in school, have a lot of new friends and we are able to generally maintain a calm and peaceful environment for them at home. (other than raising boys of that age and hell raising that they like to do!)

 

We are able to maintain a fairly structured life for them.

 

As for us, we understand that it is a continual daily choice to love and care for each other.

 

The Bad:

 

Her now ex is still a sociopath. We've managed to stay a step ahead of him throughout the whole divorce proceeding, as he was very easy to predict... but he's still a pain to deal with sometimes. There's not much he can control in the life of my fiancée any longer.... but what he can control, he plays it for what it's worth. Fortunately, he runs from any direct confrontation and backs down.

 

The Ugly:

 

Her oldest (adult) son hates me. During the divorce, my fiancée had a physical altercation with him. I was standing back a ways... as the altercation broke out... he tackled her to the ground and pinned her there. I of course, intervened. He got up when he saw me coming... took a couple of swings (and landed them). Well that pissed me off. I went after him... grabbed him and took him to the ground myself and sat on him. He was not a happy camper. Anyway, he said a lot of very terrible things to me about what he was going to do to me and my kids... but I stayed cool and just restrained him until he could calm down a bit. It didn't go much further than that... but he has all of his anger directed at me now. It's the way it goes.

 

He lives with his father and the people around him are feeding his anger and hatred. It's really a very unfortunate situation. So this is a long term and lingering issue for us. My fiancée is making some progress with him in repairing her relationship with him.... but I'm going to stay in the background and out of his life for a very long time. Only if he one day decides to accept his mom and myself together.

 

He has no problem with his dad and dad's girlfriend.... They got together openly about a week after my fiancée physically moved out of that household. From our perspective, this seems a bit convoluted timewise... but I'm sure from the son's perspective, the events that happened this summer distorted time just a bit.

 

Well, I know that the odds of a successful relationship starting in an affair is somewhere in the 1% to 3% range.... We seem to be managing so far.

 

Just thought I would give the forum an update.

 

This is a great post as it sheds light on the reality of transitioning from an affair to marriage. Morality isn't so much the issue here as the reality of the circumstances. Thanks... this truly is food for thought.

[jwi71]

I must have been editing my post when you made your post.... yes, we were the ones that went to the police that very night to report the incident... on the father's side of things.... they literally did absolutely nothing! The only thing they did was get a civil order to keep my fiancee away from the marital property.

 

I didn't see that post until after I posted...in any case its clear we agree on that.

 

My fiancee got paperwork from the court that ordered that the oldest son be required to go to counceling.... but his father did not do anything about this. There is little that we could do about it as the oldest son was in the primary care of his father.... he is now of legal age.

 

Legal age? If he is an adult son then the father is well within his right to go out with his GF. I don't see the problem there.

 

Nor do I see any problem with serving the eldest son a TRO (temporary restraining order) to keep him away from YOUR house. The two younger boys don't need that influence.

 

I would still say you, your fiancee and the two younger boys need to go to family councilor to help talk, build bonds and adjust to this new life. As for the older...I disagree with the background approach.

 

I would still make overtures to him. At least make an effort. Sit him down for dinner, just the two of you in a PUBLIC place (not one you care to return to I might add) and talk. It won't go well but I think making yourself available can at least open dialogue and demonstrate a willingness to HEAR the older son.

 

Thoughts on that?

[spiraling downward]

This is a great post as it sheds light on the reality of transitioning from an affair to marriage. Morality isn't so much the issue here as the reality of the circumstances. Thanks... this truly is food for thought.

 

Thanks! I'm not exactly happy that this started out as an affair... but it is what it is. I've been very selfish and I recognize that... but I believe that we can make this into something that is good for most of the people around us. It's just because of the understanding, common goals and interests that I believe my gf and I share... I could be the biggest fool in the world... maybe she is... but the direction we are going now does not indicate that in the slighest. By the way... our wedding date is set for April 1st.... that's no lie!

[spiraling downward]

I didn't see that post until after I posted...in any case its clear we agree on that.

 

 

 

Legal age? If he is an adult son then the father is well within his right to go out with his GF. I don't see the problem there.

 

At the time of this incident... the son was still 17... and smoking pot and drinking... all with very little nightly supervision from his father.

 

Nor do I see any problem with serving the eldest son a TRO (temporary restraining order) to keep him away from YOUR house. The two younger boys don't need that influence.

 

I would still say you, your fiancee and the two younger boys need to go to family councilor to help talk, build bonds and adjust to this new life. As for the older...I disagree with the background approach.

 

I would still make overtures to him. At least make an effort. Sit him down for dinner, just the two of you in a PUBLIC place (not one you care to return to I might add) and talk. It won't go well but I think making yourself available can at least open dialogue and demonstrate a willingness to HEAR the older son.

 

Thoughts on that?

 

I agree and I'm open to making overtures... but not until things normalize a bit with him and his mother. She has invited him over for Christmas... he has a lot of time to think about that... we'll see what he does.

 

We did have him over a couple of times before the blowout happened....

[Jaspe_Loco]

Thanks! I'm not exactly happy that this started out as an affair... but it is what it is. I've been very selfish and I recognize that... but I believe that we can make this into something that is good for most of the people around us. It's just because of the understanding, common goals and interests that I believe my gf and I share... I could be the biggest fool in the world... maybe she is... but the direction we are going now does not indicate that in the slighest. By the way... our wedding date is set for April 1st.... that's no lie!

 

 

How long did the affair last? I've been involved in mostly an EA for almost 3 1/2 years... with a few break ups in between. We never discussed our future until a few months ago when we decided we wanted to be together permanently. Although it sounds cliche, both our marriages were dead before we met... we stayed out of financial reasons and for the kids.

 

We both talked and decided that it would be best to keep our relationship a secret until both of our divorces were finalized (we're coworkers and most likely would get fired). It was looking like that would be shortly after the first of the year, but her husband quit his job to pursue is dream of being a couch potato and severely strained their finances. To be honest, I've been willing to wait until summer because it gives us about nearly 3 month break from our jobs. It will give me time to reduce some debt.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm hijacking this thread is because I've been told here before that we are both making excuses concerning leaving our spouses. If we were going to do it, we would have done it already. I think anything worth having is worth waiting and working for.

 

There are some similarities to your situation and I'm just curious to see how your relationship played out.

 

Good luck to you.

[hopesndreams]

Her now ex is still a sociopath. We've managed to stay a step ahead of him throughout the whole divorce proceeding, as he was very easy to predict... but he's still a pain to deal with sometimes. There's not much he can control in the life of my fiancée any longer.... but what he can control, he plays it for what it's worth. Fortunately, he runs from any direct confrontation and backs down.

 

Awwww. you do love the drama don't you. That is so transparent. What an ogre her H was eh? Helps you sleep at night, don't it?

 

Her oldest (adult) son hates me.

 

Expect that to continue on throughout the life you will share with his mother. He'll stop hating you when you are gone because then, you will just be a distant memory.

 

He has no problem with his dad and dad's girlfriend....

 

Well, good for him! Kudos! Looks just as I called it when you first posted. She was diseased in his eyes and knew it was only a matter of time before she jumped ship.

[spiraling downward]

Her now ex is still a sociopath. We've managed to stay a step ahead of him throughout the whole divorce proceeding, as he was very easy to predict... but he's still a pain to deal with sometimes. There's not much he can control in the life of my fiancée any longer.... but what he can control, he plays it for what it's worth. Fortunately, he runs from any direct confrontation and backs down.

 

Awwww. you do love the drama don't you. That is so transparent. What an ogre her H was eh? Helps you sleep at night, don't it?

 

Her oldest (adult) son hates me.

 

 

Expect that to continue on throughout the life you will share with his mother. He'll stop hating you when you are gone because then, you will just be a distant memory.

 

He has no problem with his dad and dad's girlfriend....

 

Well, good for him! Kudos! Looks just as I called it when you first posted. She was diseased in his eyes and knew it was only a matter of time before she jumped ship.

 

I promised I would come back and give updates... so here I am. Sorry you are so bitter. You think you can put every situation into cookie cutter profiles... but since you aren't privy to the gory details... you are just pulling judgements out of your ass.

 

Your post is kind of funny... you even being removed from this fine gentleman (her ex) seems to be caught in his sociopathic web. This was a man who was an alcoholic, passed out on the couch by 7pm every night, had no interaction or involvement with his younger children, spent days and weeks away from home and was cruel to his wife. He has had affairs in this marriage himself. I've been exposed to other people now who have bore this out to me.

 

Even her son, who I've written about ad naseum in this thread told his mother at one time that she should leave him.

 

But now... to his supporters and defenders, he has really changed this time, he such a loving and doting father... he such a poor, poor victim because his wife had the audacity to leave him.... it's all hooey.

 

And with any sociopath, once they face firm opposition and resistance, they slink away and find another willing victim. Events have bore this out. It is a classic scenario.

 

It's just that now, when my gf finally took action... it upset his apple cart and the little world of control that he had going for him.

 

This man is dirt and I do sleep very well at night. I assisted my future wife out of this situation and I feel very good about it.

[spiraling downward]

How long did the affair last? I've been involved in mostly an EA for almost 3 1/2 years... with a few break ups in between. We never discussed our future until a few months ago when we decided we wanted to be together permanently. Although it sounds cliche, both our marriages were dead before we met... we stayed out of financial reasons and for the kids.

 

We both talked and decided that it would be best to keep our relationship a secret until both of our divorces were finalized (we're coworkers and most likely would get fired). It was looking like that would be shortly after the first of the year, but her husband quit his job to pursue is dream of being a couch potato and severely strained their finances. To be honest, I've been willing to wait until summer because it gives us about nearly 3 month break from our jobs. It will give me time to reduce some debt.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm hijacking this thread is because I've been told here before that we are both making excuses concerning leaving our spouses. If we were going to do it, we would have done it already. I think anything worth having is worth waiting and working for.

 

There are some similarities to your situation and I'm just curious to see how your relationship played out.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Your post is fine as I just wanted to share my experience. I love the feedback, both positive and combative!

 

All I can really say is that we did move rather quickly. I was married when I met my gf... I was aware that we quite possibly were headed for a scenario on who would make the jump first and then, maybe one of us would but not the other.

 

I was in a place in my marriage where it was through... I was involve with my gf in a largely emotional affair, although we did have sex once for about 3 weeks until I decided to tell my then wife that I was involved with someone and I was moving out. As far as I was concerned the marriage was over. I really did not like the sneaking around. So my divorce actually progressed with lightning speed... cost me $75 court costs. We weren't all that bonded together, I guess you could say. We actually had seperate finances (probably 95% so)

 

Anyway, I knew I was taking a big chance that my then affair partner would not actually leave her husband for me... but I figured something had to overcome the inertia and I would be fine even if I was alone for awhile.

 

I would say that the only chance that any affair could possibly move into a long term commtted relationship is if both partners are at the point and willing to make the necesary life changes right then and there. When my GF made the jump, she left no doubt to anyone (including me) that she was starting a new life. I was her soft landing.... but that is what it really is as it's going on.

[hopesndreams]

It's just that now, when my gf finally took action... it upset his apple cart and the little world of control that he had going for him.

 

You are giving yourself too much credit. He already knew about her. He was the one married to her.

[spiraling downward]

It's just that now, when my gf finally took action... it upset his apple cart and the little world of control that he had going for him.

 

 

You are giving yourself too much credit. He already knew about her. He was the one married to her.

 

Is that all you can come up with? You're special! Hey! You wouldn't happen to be my gf's ex, would ya? That's something he would say! LMFAO

[hopesndreams]

HAHAHA...whatever.

[spiraling downward]

HAHAHA...whatever.

 

OMG! It is you! We need to go have a beer sometime!

[hopesndreams]

I love beer! How did you know?

 

Sorry, my calendar is all filled up.

[spiraling downward]

I love beer! How did you know?

 

Sorry, my calendar is all filled up.

 

Too bad... I'd buy!

[hopesndreams]

Like that matters, lol.

[fooled once]

The Good:

 

My former MW is now an XMW and currently my fiancée... we have been living together now for about 2 months.

 

Our communication about relationship matters is still top notch... I believe we both know the score about our relationship, so we re-assure each other daily of our love and committment. (ie. the built-in trust problems in a relationship that started in an affair.)

 

We really have a compatible sense of humor with each other and we keep our time together light and fun as much as possible. We've already had our share of disagreements, but we remain tolerant and respectful of each other's positions and we make sure we patch things up before we go to bed each night.

 

Her two pre-teen boys seem to like me... I interact with them (sometimes sitting down a playing games with them and their friends, for example) I really don't try to be their dad though. I'm just there for them. We encourage their relationship with their father and are pretty good at not letting any of the negative talk about him reach their ears. The boys are fairly well adjusted to their new life, but every now and then some anger does pop up...

 

The boys are doing fairly well in school, have a lot of new friends and we are able to generally maintain a calm and peaceful environment for them at home. (other than raising boys of that age and hell raising that they like to do!)

 

We are able to maintain a fairly structured life for them.

 

As for us, we understand that it is a continual daily choice to love and care for each other.

 

The Bad:

 

Her now ex is still a sociopath. We've managed to stay a step ahead of him throughout the whole divorce proceeding, as he was very easy to predict... but he's still a pain to deal with sometimes. There's not much he can control in the life of my fiancée any longer.... but what he can control, he plays it for what it's worth. Fortunately, he runs from any direct confrontation and backs down.

 

The Ugly:

 

Her oldest (adult) son hates me. During the divorce, my fiancée had a physical altercation with him. I was standing back a ways... as the altercation broke out... he tackled her to the ground and pinned her there. I of course, intervened. He got up when he saw me coming... took a couple of swings (and landed them). Well that pissed me off. I went after him... grabbed him and took him to the ground myself and sat on him. He was not a happy camper. Anyway, he said a lot of very terrible things to me about what he was going to do to me and my kids... but I stayed cool and just restrained him until he could calm down a bit. It didn't go much further than that... but he has all of his anger directed at me now. It's the way it goes.

 

He lives with his father and the people around him are feeding his anger and hatred. It's really a very unfortunate situation. So this is a long term and lingering issue for us. My fiancée is making some progress with him in repairing her relationship with him.... but I'm going to stay in the background and out of his life for a very long time. Only if he one day decides to accept his mom and myself together.

 

He has no problem with his dad and dad's girlfriend.... They got together openly about a week after my fiancée physically moved out of that household. From our perspective, this seems a bit convoluted timewise... but I'm sure from the son's perspective, the events that happened this summer distorted time just a bit.

 

Well, I know that the odds of a successful relationship starting in an affair is somewhere in the 1% to 3% range.... We seem to be managing so far.

 

Just thought I would give the forum an update.

 

My only thoughts reading this.....

 

You say that

 

He has no problem with his dad and dad's girlfriend.... They got together openly about a week after my fiancée physically moved out of that household. From our perspective, this seems a bit convoluted timewise

 

I really don't understand how you can't see the hypocrisy here. So what that he and the girlfriend are together a week after she moved out ... where did SHE move into? So what if they were having an affair -- SO WAS SHE??? Umm.... why they hypocrisy? It is okay if SHE was doing it but not him?

 

And really - why does a 17 year old need "night time" supervision while dad goes out? Is that not allowed? Was dad suppose to stay home, weeping over his adulterous wife and NOT have a life? Heck, I was going OUT of town for the weekend when my son was 16. It was about trust.

 

Dad has every right to get on with his life. You can't have a double standard about it.

 

The younger two boys need counseling. Their parents divorce and both parents immediately are with others and now mom is engaged. Mom hasn't been single, mom hasn't given herself time to regroup after the divorce. Now, mom moved in her boyfriend and they are a secondary concern to her playing house. I say this because I am a mom and a step parent and I watched how my stepkids were affected by their mom doing exactly that. Moving in the flavor of the month after the latest flavor of the month departed (her and my H were divorced 3 years before I came into the picture and my H never moved anyone else into his home before me, whereas his ex didn't seem able to support herself and her kids because there was always a guy there helping out).

 

Kids are especially protective of moms - moms and son and dad and daughters. Those are special relationships and I hope you are giving the mom and her sons' time to deal with all the changes in the boys lives. Like you said, you are not their father. They have one. Glad you are building a relationship with them but ensure that MOM remains the parental figure in the home.

 

Good luck

[spiraling downward]

I really don't understand how you can't see the hypocrisy here. So what that he and the girlfriend are together a week after she moved out ... where did SHE move into? So what if they were having an affair -- SO WAS SHE??? Umm.... why they hypocrisy? It is okay if SHE was doing it but not him?

 

All I'm really saying with this is that there was such a woe is me attitude coming from the father's camp... and the son was being dragged into that... yet, the father grieved the marriage all of about 3 days and he had a steady girlfriend at the end of the week. The timing was uncanny. It kind of tells you where he was at. The son was bombarded with him and his cronies telling him how bad his mother was. This is seeping with hypocrasy.

 

And really - why does a 17 year old need "night time" supervision while dad goes out? Is that not allowed? Was dad suppose to stay home, weeping over his adulterous wife and NOT have a life? Heck, I was going OUT of town for the weekend when my son was 16. It was about trust.

 

Dad has every right to get on with his life. You can't have a double standard about it.

The kid was abusing drugs and alcohol. He was in his father's primary care to let him finish out his senior year.... even though it was known he was having these issues, dad was hardly ever around. There wasn't much that mom could do about that.

 

The younger two boys need counseling. Their parents divorce and both parents immediately are with others and now mom is engaged. Mom hasn't been single, mom hasn't given herself time to regroup after the divorce. Now, mom moved in her boyfriend and they are a secondary concern to her playing house. I say this because I am a mom and a step parent and I watched how my stepkids were affected by their mom doing exactly that. Moving in the flavor of the month after the latest flavor of the month departed (her and my H were divorced 3 years before I came into the picture and my H never moved anyone else into his home before me, whereas his ex didn't seem able to support herself and her kids because there was always a guy there helping out).

 

Kids are especially protective of moms - moms and son and dad and daughters. Those are special relationships and I hope you are giving the mom and her sons' time to deal with all the changes in the boys lives. Like you said, you are not their father. They have one. Glad you are building a relationship with them but ensure that MOM remains the parental figure in the home.

 

Good luck

 

I'm not opposed to the idea of counseling... it still may be warranted. But to say we are just playing house is missing the boat. I signed on to help her raise her kids, even though I am taking a role where I don't want act like I'm their father. She has the final authority in their discipline and I will back that up. And I will take her lead.

 

I see myself as more of a mentor... I don't yell, I hardly ever get mad... I take a very even handed approach to life's issues.... I'm still not sure how this is all going to play out... but I plan to try to act as a calming force in the household... try to difuse tensions where I can. I have two adult boys that I had raised, so I'm familiar with the routine... and as I've grown older, I'm much more in control of myself as I approach these things. This will serve me well... but I know it still will be a tough road.

 

One thing I will push though, is that they respect their mother. I believe that boys need that emphasized to them over and over and they grow up and start to explore their male identity. It's just natural for boys to rebel against their mothers... I'm going to try to find a way to emphasize that to them without jumping down their throats... even if I'm only partially successful, I think it will still be a benefit in the long run.

[fooled once]

All I'm really saying with this is that there was such a woe is me attitude coming from the father's camp... and the son was being dragged into that... yet, the father grieved the marriage all of about 3 days and he had a steady girlfriend at the end of the week. The timing was uncanny. It kind of tells you where he was at. The son was bombarded with him and his cronies telling him how bad his mother was. This is seeping with hypocrasy.

 

The kid was abusing drugs and alcohol. He was in his father's primary care to let him finish out his senior year.... even though it was known he was having these issues, dad was hardly ever around. There wasn't much that mom could do about that.

Yes there is - mom could have stayed until he finished his senior year. Mom could have gotten him into rehab when the problem first arose. Mom could have taken a stronger stance. Did she do any of those things?

 

 

 

I'm not opposed to the idea of counseling... it still may be warranted. But to say we are just playing house is missing the boat. I signed on to help her raise her kids, even though I am taking a role where I don't want act like I'm their father. She has the final authority in their discipline and I will back that up. And I will take her lead.

 

I see myself as more of a mentor... I don't yell, I hardly ever get mad... I take a very even handed approach to life's issues.... I'm still not sure how this is all going to play out... but I plan to try to act as a calming force in the household... try to difuse tensions where I can. I have two adult boys that I had raised, so I'm familiar with the routine... and as I've grown older, I'm much more in control of myself as I approach these things. This will serve me well... but I know it still will be a tough road.

 

One thing I will push though, is that they respect their mother. I believe that boys need that emphasized to them over and over and they grow up and start to explore their male identity. It's just natural for boys to rebel against their mothers

 

I could not disagree more. It is NOT natural for boys to rebel against their mothers. My son never did; nor did my stepson against his mother. Nor did my brothers against our mom. Not sure where you got that idea. My son has always ALWAYS had respect for me. He rarely argues with me (he is now 20). While he was living under my roof, we had 1 argument and that was at the end of his senior year regarding him calling himself out of school <he got busted; had he asked me to call him out, I would have. He graduated with honors>. IF anything, my son and my stepson were more PROTECTIVE of their mom's. ... I'm going to try to find a way to emphasize that to them without jumping down their throats... even if I'm only partially successful, I think it will still be a benefit in the long run.

 

My comments in bold above because I was too lazy to do quotes