A potential (emotional) OM in a LDR...

[SeventhBase]

(God, I hate having to use these abbrs.!)

 

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this, but this seemed appropriate. Mods, if there is a more appropriate forum for thread, please move it there.

 

So I've caught myself in quite a dilemma here, and it's dragged on for about two months already. In the beginning of October, I had finally mustered up the courage to hit on this one girl in my class that I had my eye on. To my delight, we hit it off pretty well, and thus commenced some three weeks of light yet mutual flirting. (Or so it seemed.) I had walked her home on several occasions, having great conversations where absolutely wonderful chemistry was demonstrated - she was laughing and smiling and giving me eye contact: all the classic signs. Beyond that, we had never gone anywhere - not even out for coffee. Apparently she was very busy. (And very well may have been, because she told me every detail of what she did in lieu of us going out.)

 

So just when I was ramping up the flirting, guess who decided to show up from lands afar? That's right, her heretofore-unmentioned boyfriend. That's right - she never even mentioned his existence even when I was trying to ask her out, and now I've met him in person? Of course, I acted all cool and collected when she introduced me to him, but deep down I felt betrayed. But then I knew (or though I knew) that it was over... or did I?

 

After giving her the silent treatment for a week, I decided to bring this issue up to her. The dialogue went a little something like this:

I said, "You're a great person and I enjoy talking with you... but you could have told me."

Looking a bit nonchalant, she answered, "Well, I didn't know what to think."

I now regret that I did not pursue that line of thought. I simply wanted to terminate any ambiguity and get away clean. So I simply stated, "Now that I know, we could always be friends."

 

Problem solved, right? If only. I had already been bitten by the love bug, and it only served to complicate things. I tried to flirt with and ask out other women, but that really only served as a coping mechanism. She was on my mind even then. (Besides, none of those women really seemed interested.) Worse still, she's been acting quite erratic towards me. She'd first seem to ignore me or want nothing to do with me... and then the next moment she can't stop talking to me, and then we start laughing and sparks start flying... (For the record, I see her roughly twice a week, always after class. It's not that frequent, I know - but I think quality here matters more than quantity.) Another coping mechanism I have is to seek out excuses for why she is just plain wrong for me. Plenty of good that's done for me - I just get more curious about her.

 

If she just told me to sod off and never have anything to do with her again, it'd sting, but at least the situation would be resolved. Instead, I'm dragged along for two months over the somewhat likely possibility that she might like me back. It is this very uncertainty that's killing me.

 

Now, I'm not a stupid guy. I can recognize some of the possibilities and consequences. I'm just a bit over-analytical, and would prefer to know the big picture.

 

For one, she could really be playing me all along. But to the extent that I know her as a friend, I don't really see it in her personality to do so. She's quite soft-spoken and demure, and not that aggressive. For all I know she's probably unaware of the effect of her actions on me.

 

Maybe she was just being friendly, and it only came across as flirting. That would be a misinterpretation on my part. The thing is, I'd like to think that I have had enough experience to tell the difference between simple friendliness and showing interest.

 

Or maybe she, in the absence of her BF, was seeking male attention, and she found it in me. Maybe she doesn't see any value in me beyond that, or maybe she does. In that case, it's best for me to avoid altogether, since she just might repeat the same behavior with me.

 

So I've got some possibilites. The most rational would be for me to forget about her and go for the fish in the sea. Rationality really isn't a big factor here, and yes, I have gone fishing to no avail. Alternatively, I can go for the quixotic option, and hope things between her and her BF come to a close before jumping in.

 

Or I can go ahead and steal her from him. Now before you say anything, YES, I have seriously considered stealing. It's not the most nice thing to do, and I really feel horrible for even entertaining the thought. I really don't want to be "That Guy" - you know, what they call "the Other Man" around here - and I hate to have to do it to a guy who really is NOT a bad person. But that's the state of affairs in my mind. In my head, I know what's best for me, but the heart just pulls me towards a potential deep pit.

 

Or... I can try to close this chapter once again by coming out and confessing my feelings, or maybe even get her to confess her thoughts (positive or otherwise), results be damned. Of course, this might destroy the friendship we've built... or more accurately, it'll destroy any chance of me being associated with her ever. (But isn't that the point?) Frankly, to be a nice guy, I have to show that she has more value to me than "potential girlfriend," and to simply cut her off after all chance of romance is gone demonstrates the precise opposite.

 

So right now I only have a bunch of question marks before me. I hope I've given enough details for you to formulate thoughts and analyses. I'm grateful that forums like this exist - I sure need the support!

 

(tl;dr version: I like girl. Girl might like me. Has long-distance BF, but never told me about him. Found out only when he showed up. Tried to confront her about issue and end the romance, but I'm still attracted. Help? No BS.)

Edited November 27, 2009 by SeventhBase

[jennie-jennie]

Stealing a girlfriend only works if the girl wants to be stolen. What if she wants to have you on the side and you end up being the other man? What would you think of having to share her with her boyfriend?

 

I think you should have a talk with her and put your feelings on the table. What do you have to lose, really?

[lkjh]

dude, you asked her out and she said no, she limits contact with you, and she has a bf. Sounds like she was trying to be friendly but she doesn't see you that way. I think you put too much thought into this. She wanted you as a friend