Having a little bit of a hard time moving on

[CCNowWhat]

I have been seriously involved with MM for 2 1/2 yrs. We were friends before for about 7 yrs. Anyway- he always said he would eventually leave. I got tired of waiting and the past 5 or 6 mths things have not been good btwn us. We have had good times, we get along, we are best friends and I know he loves me and I love him. The problem is every now and then I bring up us being together and he doesnt want to deal with it I guess. The last month or so I have been upset, angry etc. bringing up **** about his wife.

 

We tried to end it about 2 or 3 weeks ago but it has been so hard because we are a big part of each others lives. I know his feelings towards me are way more then he ever felt about her. blah blah blah I know, I dont know for a fact but believe me when I tell you I know.

 

I made a decision that I have to go meet someone else. I have been ok, thinking ok I will just move on. I actually started talking to this attractive smart nice single guy. I am like I have to do this for myself. I have become someone I do not ever want to be again. I am a happy person for the most part but this bs has been dragging me down big time. MM & I get along really well, like we were meant for each other but yes he is married.

 

So we have a conversation like a week ago and I basically was like you think you are going to get away with this? Like you think you can just f up someones life like you did mine and you get away free? I kind of threw it out there that I was going to tell his wife and I heard a tone of fear come out of his mouth that I never heard before- he was like please dont do that. I was like ok wow you got it. I see where you really want to be, I was done, I have been done ya know? He was like holy **** I heard myself say that and think I want out of my marriage why would I be like that. He tells me he is going home to tell his wife he wants to leave her.

 

Of course I dont believe he is actually going to do that but guess what HE DID. He calls me late that night, after I have had hours to myself trying to decide what is best for me, how pathetic I have become, hanging on to this guys every effin word UGH. I came to the conclusion that I have to do what is best for me but I told him that if he was serious about moving on with his life that I would be there for him as a friend (meaning I am not going to do anything with him and not put pressure on him to be with- not that I ever really did before) So he left, we talked for a few days and he was a mess. He does have a child and he was like I have to go back b/c his wife will say that he abandonded his child. EVERYBODY in his family, his wifes family knows that this happened. So now they are all trying to figure out what is wrong with him. Why is he so unhappy.

 

I just wanted him to be honest with me, was he trying to work out his marriage or seriously working on trying to move on? Basically he is "trying" to work on his marriage but he says that it is not going to work out and he will leave. Ok so what is the point of prolonging it, if you are not happy and know what the end result will be? From what he says she will not budge on anything, she wants things a certain way and thats that. So she is trying to figure out what is wrong with him. As far back as I know he has never been happy there, content at some points but not happy.

 

So back to me, I had to drag that info out of him- that he was going to try to work on it. I was like whooooooooa hold the f up, when were you planning on telling me? uh never. He was just going to bs to me the whole f'in time and expect me to be supportive of him hahaha think again. I told him no way, if he wants to work it out with her I am gone. He was like please dont do that. I have pride, I do and I know what I have to do but it is so hard. Its only been a few days and I have been better than I expected to be but I still have weak moments but I know I have to move on.

 

Maybe he will realize that he can't live without me but I can't put my life on hold anymore. I need strength and I know I have it but I am digging so deep for it and its hard. I know it was not all about sex either, for the past few months we have not had any sex, just spending time with each other with some affection but definitely no sex (not that we didnt want to- it just was never a good time) I know he loves me.

 

I need some advice on how to just move on and whatever will be will be. If we were meant to be together then it will happen. I just can't stand still anymore.

[RedDevil66]

There is only one answer, no contact and get some therapy to figure out why you need to feel unworthy of being 2nd to someone.

 

He's no different than any other man having an affair. Told you what he had to tell you to keep you around.

 

He wins, you lose, his wife loses

[jennie-jennie]

CCNowWhat,

Just want to say I hear you. I feel my own anger towards my MM well up when I read your post. What is wrong with these guys? Can they just make their f-ing minds up!

 

(((CC)))

[RedDevil66]

CCNowWhat,

Just want to say I hear you. I feel my own anger towards my MM well up when I read your post. What is wrong with these guys? Can they just make their f-ing minds up!

 

(((CC)))

 

The focus should not be on what is wrong with them. To heal, the focus needs to remain with you.

What is wrong with them is the same that is wrong with the women who allow them in

[fooled once]

I have been seriously involved with MM for 2 1/2 yrs. We were friends before for about 7 yrs. Anyway- he always said he would eventually leave. I got tired of waiting and the past 5 or 6 mths things have not been good btwn us. We have had good times, we get along, we are best friends and I know he loves me and I love him. The problem is every now and then I bring up us being together and he doesnt want to deal with it I guess. The last month or so I have been upset, angry etc. bringing up **** about his wife.

 

We tried to end it about 2 or 3 weeks ago but it has been so hard because we are a big part of each others lives. I know his feelings towards me are way more then he ever felt about her. blah blah blah I know, I dont know for a fact but believe me when I tell you I know.

 

I made a decision that I have to go meet someone else. I have been ok, thinking ok I will just move on. I actually started talking to this attractive smart nice single guy. I am like I have to do this for myself. I have become someone I do not ever want to be again. I am a happy person for the most part but this bs has been dragging me down big time. MM & I get along really well, like we were meant for each other but yes he is married.

 

So we have a conversation like a week ago and I basically was like you think you are going to get away with this? Like you think you can just f up someones life like you did mine and you get away free? I kind of threw it out there that I was going to tell his wife and I heard a tone of fear come out of his mouth that I never heard before- he was like please dont do that. I was like ok wow you got it. I see where you really want to be, I was done, I have been done ya know? He was like holy **** I heard myself say that and think I want out of my marriage why would I be like that. He tells me he is going home to tell his wife he wants to leave her.

 

Of course I dont believe he is actually going to do that but guess what HE DID. He calls me late that night, after I have had hours to myself trying to decide what is best for me, how pathetic I have become, hanging on to this guys every effin word UGH. I came to the conclusion that I have to do what is best for me but I told him that if he was serious about moving on with his life that I would be there for him as a friend (meaning I am not going to do anything with him and not put pressure on him to be with- not that I ever really did before) So he left, we talked for a few days and he was a mess. He does have a child and he was like I have to go back b/c his wife will say that he abandonded his child. EVERYBODY in his family, his wifes family knows that this happened. So now they are all trying to figure out what is wrong with him. Why is he so unhappy.

 

I just wanted him to be honest with me, was he trying to work out his marriage or seriously working on trying to move on? Basically he is "trying" to work on his marriage but he says that it is not going to work out and he will leave. Ok so what is the point of prolonging it, if you are not happy and know what the end result will be? From what he says she will not budge on anything, she wants things a certain way and thats that. So she is trying to figure out what is wrong with him. As far back as I know he has never been happy there, content at some points but not happy.

 

So back to me, I had to drag that info out of him- that he was going to try to work on it. I was like whooooooooa hold the f up, when were you planning on telling me? uh never. He was just going to bs to me the whole f'in time and expect me to be supportive of him hahaha think again. I told him no way, if he wants to work it out with her I am gone. He was like please dont do that. I have pride, I do and I know what I have to do but it is so hard. Its only been a few days and I have been better than I expected to be but I still have weak moments but I know I have to move on.

 

Maybe he will realize that he can't live without me but I can't put my life on hold anymore. I need strength and I know I have it but I am digging so deep for it and its hard. I know it was not all about sex either, for the past few months we have not had any sex, just spending time with each other with some affection but definitely no sex (not that we didnt want to- it just was never a good time) I know he loves me.

 

I need some advice on how to just move on and whatever will be will be. If we were meant to be together then it will happen. I just can't stand still anymore.

 

I have to say you are angry that she is digging in her heels, but so have you been. She doesn't want to lose her husband any more than you want to lose the man she is married to. Why should she just give him up? You have shown for the past years you are willing to be 2nd best. You have shown you are wiling to play this game with him.

 

You CAN break it off, you just haven't wanted to.

 

Many men divorce their wives if they are unhappy. My H did. He divorced his wife way before he entered into a relationship with anyone else. He also has kids. Just because he divorced doesn't mean he doesn't have a relationship with his kids. He may not have been there every day anymore, but he still is involved with them - attended dance recitals, basketball games, had visitation.

 

I don't like it when OW (or OM) throw out the threats to tell the spouse. That person meant nothing to you when you were involved in the beginning. You didnt' care that you were hurting her. Now, because you want him to pick, NOW she becomes a factor.

 

I stand by -- if these men wanted out of their marriage, they would have gotten out BEFORE starting an affair. But it isn't bad enough for them then and many times, even after finding this "love of their life", they still don't follow through with leaving.

 

Ok so what is the point of prolonging it, if you are not happy and know what the end result will be?

 

You had to know, 2+ years ago, that more than likely, the end result would not be what you wanted. But you have prolonged it. You have "tried" to break up 2-3 times, yet you still allowed him back into your life.

 

Like you think you can just f up someones life like you did mine and you get away free?

 

But he didn't F up your life -- you did. You can't blame him. You need to OWN what you have done. You need to realize that you allowed him in. Do you realize how much you have f'd up his wife's life?

 

Time to let him go - for good. Time for you to heal. Time for you to find out why you allowed him in, why you allowed him in for years. Time to find out what YOU need to make YOU happy. Time to put all your energy and focus into finding out who you are. Time for you to heal and never ever let someone in who is already committed to someone else.

 

IF he one day does divorce - great. Maybe you will be around, maybe not. I am hoping not. You can't be friends with him right now. You can't. Time to go NC.

 

I truly am sorry you are hurting. I really am. I hope your healing process goes quickly. I hope you can put your energy into something good for you.

 

Good luck and I hope you find happiness.

[CCNowWhat]

CCNowWhat,

Just want to say I hear you. I feel my own anger towards my MM well up when I read your post. What is wrong with these guys? Can they just make their f-ing minds up!

 

(((CC)))

 

Thank you. Its nice to know that someone else knows what I am going through although I don't wish this on anybody. I don't have a problem hearing the truth, just tell me, don't make me drag it out of you and let me make the decision on what I want to do with my life. Its so frustrating!!!!!

[CCNowWhat]

There is only one answer, no contact and get some therapy to figure out why you need to feel unworthy of being 2nd to someone.

 

He's no different than any other man having an affair. Told you what he had to tell you to keep you around.

 

He wins, you lose, his wife loses

 

I don't need to go to therapy to find out why I was 2nd. It just happened, we were friends first. I made a bad choice.

 

Funny thing is, I don't believe he wins, he is never going to be happy there, that I know for a fact. His wife doesn't lose b/c she is fine with the way things are because she is all about status & plus she doesn't know that he had an affair. I am not just saying this because of the position that I am in but she is not so nice. She doesn't give a F about him and I know this for a fact. She knows the marriage is **** but she is using their child as a pawn, saying that basically in a nutshell she will bad mouth him to the kid. She already talks **** about his mother & father to the kid. hey he can have fun with that, so tell me how does he win?

 

I may have lost now but you know what I actually have a chance to be happy, so I win in the end.

[CCNowWhat]

I have to say you are angry that she is digging in her heels, but so have you been. She doesn't want to lose her husband any more than you want to lose the man she is married to. Why should she just give him up? You have shown for the past years you are willing to be 2nd best. You have shown you are wiling to play this game with him.

 

I am not angry with her. When he told her he wanted to leave, she was like go ahead leave so he did. Then she started in with the threatening to tell his kid all this bad stuff about him etc. She basically told him that he needs to go into therapy and get over whatever the problem is that he has and that she didn't need to change. See thats the thing, a lot of married women view their husbands as their property rather than a human being with feelings & emotions. Before I get jumped on for saying that I didn't say all but a lot do. I see it all the time, its everywhere I go.

 

You CAN break it off, you just haven't wanted to.

 

I just broke it off with him 2 days ago and I have not spoken to him since. Once he said that he was trying to work it out I removed myself from the bs.

 

Many men divorce their wives if they are unhappy. My H did. He divorced his wife way before he entered into a relationship with anyone else. He also has kids. Just because he divorced doesn't mean he doesn't have a relationship with his kids. He may not have been there every day anymore, but he still is involved with them - attended dance recitals, basketball games, had visitation.

 

Him and I have talked about this. He is afraid of never being able to see his kid. He was like ok so I get the kid on the weekend or whatever and he says she has 5 days to sit there and talk **** about him. Which means that ummm she is not a nice person to talk about the kids father like that. I told him all he has to do is make sure that he is in his kids life and that they know who he is and how much he cares and it wont matter what she says about him because in the end kids will figure it out.

 

I don't like it when OW (or OM) throw out the threats to tell the spouse. That person meant nothing to you when you were involved in the beginning. You didnt' care that you were hurting her. Now, because you want him to pick, NOW she becomes a factor.

 

I don't know your story but have you ever been in this kind of situation? I know what I do and have done. Yes I am an immoral person with no soul or feelings whatsoever, can I be crucified now?

 

I dont want him to choose, he doesn't get to choose because I am gone. BTW I never ever once ever asked him to leave his wife, not once, NEVER. He was the one who told me that he was leaving because he couldn't do this to me anymore. I was always in the mindset that this would fade out.

 

I stand by -- if these men wanted out of their marriage, they would have gotten out BEFORE starting an affair. But it isn't bad enough for them then and many times, even after finding this "love of their life", they still don't follow through with leaving.

 

I totally agree. He can live that life that he hates, good luck with that.

 

 

You had to know, 2+ years ago, that more than likely, the end result would not be what you wanted. But you have prolonged it. You have "tried" to break up 2-3 times, yet you still allowed him back into your life.

 

Read what I said above. I never thought I would end up with him. I prolonged it because I truly love him, care about him and he has given me the best feelings I have ever rec'd from anyone in my life. We are best friends, I know him better than anyone in his entire life and he has also helped me in many ways. I did not try to break up with him 2-3 times, I said 2-3 weeks ago it started to end.

 

 

But he didn't F up your life -- you did. You can't blame him. You need to OWN what you have done. You need to realize that you allowed him in. Do you realize how much you have f'd up his wife's life?

 

Yes he did **** up my life, sorry I do blame him because we could have just remained friends like we did for many years. I always had deep feelings for him but I never acted on them, he started it, yes I was weak but thats all. I did not f up her life, she is fine as long as he keeps busting his ass and giving her things she will be fine.

 

Time to let him go - for good. Time for you to heal. Time for you to find out why you allowed him in, why you allowed him in for years. Time to find out what YOU need to make YOU happy. Time to put all your energy and focus into finding out who you are. Time for you to heal and never ever let someone in who is already committed to someone else.

 

I know its time to let go, like I said all I have is my pride and that will not be taken away from me. I will find my happiness, it may take some time but I will, I have to.

 

 

IF he one day does divorce - great. Maybe you will be around, maybe not. I am hoping not. You can't be friends with him right now. You can't. Time to go NC.

 

I truly am sorry you are hurting. I really am. I hope your healing process goes quickly. I hope you can put your energy into something good for you.

 

Good luck and I hope you find happiness.

 

Honestly I hope im not around either. Its hard to give up someone that you were so close to for so long but I can't deal with this anymore. Thank you for wishing me luck and taking the time to respond.

[CCNowWhat]

I woke up this morning and I started getting upset & crying. How long is this going to take to get over??

[whattodonow12]

It is still really fresh for you. Just take it a day at a time. I know that is what I have been trying to do. It gets better a little bit at a time. And, I mean a little... unfortunately, but it does get better. Just concentrate on yourself and try to be strong. I wish I could offer tried and true words of wisdom, but I don't have any.

[Tabbie]

Maybe he will realize that he can't live without me but I can't put my life on hold anymore. I need strength and I know I have it but I am digging so deep for it and its hard. I know it was not all about sex either, for the past few months we have not had any sex, just spending time with each other with some affection but definitely no sex (not that we didnt want to- it just was never a good time) I know he loves me.

 

I need some advice on how to just move on and whatever will be will be. If we were meant to be together then it will happen. I just can't stand still anymore.

 

If he could not live without you he would not still be with his wife. No matter what you think please try to move on with your life and not waste any more time on him. He is still sleeping with his wife and will use you as long as you allow him to. To one who knows, it's been 9 years since my affair ended and I'm still not over it but trying one day at a time.

[jennifer4]

mine wasn't a physical affair but I'm having a hard time too. I hope you find the strength to move forward. It sucks so many of us go through this sort of pain. We'll make it!

[fooled once]

It is going to take time. It is going to take days/weeks/months.

 

Cry, cry, cry - get it out.

 

I want to say something, but I am not sure you are going to take it the way I mean it. For the record, not that it matters, but I was involved with a MM for 2 years.

 

You don't really know him. You can crucify his wife all you want, but he is choosing to stay with her. He is choosing that life. Why should SHE give up her marriage so you and him can be together? I think he is totally bullcrapping you with the whole "she will bad mouth me to my child" stuff. In most divorces, there is a minimal amount of that - from BOTH sides. I have seen so many women get involved with divorced dads and they always hate the ex wife, talk about how he never loved her, he loves the NEW wife so much more she is a crappy mother, etc. And half the time the new wife HATES the kids because they represent the fact that the two bio parents once had sex.

 

My point is - the risk of divorce is losing out on the kids. Yep. Even as a custodial parent, I had to give up my son 2 days a month (my ex never took our son for longer than 24 hours ~ yeah, he was a real winner ).

 

BUT, I wanted to be happy again. I wanted OUT of the marriage. In doing so, I knew there might be times I didn't have my son with me. I might miss something. But that is part of divorce.

 

Then again, many times the non-custodial (NC) parent ends up actually SPENDING time with their child because there is no one for the NC parent to push the kid off onto during visitation. The NC gets weekends and maybe 1 day a week of actual PARENTING time - 1-1 time with their child.

 

I know you are hurting. I truly do. You are going to hurt for a while. Just make sure you don't put this cheating liar up on a pedestal like his this wonderful perfect guy (I am not saying you are). He isn't. He is a liar and a cheat. He is disrespecting his wife and his marriage.

 

He didn't force you into a relationshp with him. That is why I say you f'd up your life because you willingly went into this. That doesn't mean you "deserve' to be hurt; but it is more or less something that is going to happen.

 

Keep posting. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day, it will hurt a little less.

[hopeless4u]

I woke up this morning and I started getting upset & crying. How long is this going to take to get over??

 

I feel your pain babe, I ended things with my MM last week but he is in the middle of decorating my kitchen so haven't gone NC yet. Strange thing is he's just acting like nothing has happened, still rings me, txt's. I have tried NC before and I know it hurts like hell, I think we're both dragging out the DIY as we know what is to come and we both know the pain we're going to be in.

I will say though, posting on here has helped me loads, especially those nights when its all going round your head and all you want to do is ring MM and ask why, I just type now:) and get straight answers off people who have been there and it really does stop my head from spinning and gets me thinking logically again. The 1 thing I am so sure about is I will not go back until he knows what he wants, no matter how much pain I'm in.

big hugs to you. Stay strong;)