Staying with MM

[skylarblue]

I just talked to my MM and during the conversation I mentioned “how I think it’s going to be weird when we stop seeing each other”. He asked “if I have a time-limit for him”. I responded “no, but can you really imagine 5yrs from now we’ll be saying can you believe we’ve been together for 10yrs now.” In which he replied “yes. Why not? Why would you stop seeing me?” I just said “I think it’ll be weird, that’s all” and changed the conversation. I was really taken off-guard by his comments. I know he’s extremely happy with the situation (free sex, no strings), but does he really think 5 or 10yrs from now I’ll be here. I mean wouldn’t he think eventually I’m going to want a real R with a single, full-time bf. In all aspects, MM is a fling just a long-term one…

But it’s really got me thinking and curious as to how OW may feel…How long are you willing to stay with your MM? Are you willing to see him forever even if he never D? Does he expect or think that you will? Is there anything that would cause you to end it?

I’m just really surprised at what he said.

[whichwayisup]

I responded “no, but can you really imagine 5yrs from now we’ll be saying can you believe we’ve been together for 10yrs now.” In which he replied “yes. Why not? Why would you stop seeing me?”

 

Are you kidding me? He actually said that? Well, there's your reason TO end it .. Now!

 

He has NO intention of leaving, divorcing his wife and he's TOTALLY OK with you staying the OW. He isn't thinking of you - Your best needs, if you want kids, a marriage, a life built with someone. He's completely willing to let you sit there and be his side dish, as long as you're okay with it.

 

Do YOU think you're going to wait 2,5,10 years? When do you plan on getting out of your affair?

[hopeless4u]

My friends have said what about the future and do you want to be like 'this' forever and yes, for the good times I could but when the lows hit you??? Is it really what we want....I don't think so.

I'm not sure how old you are and if you have a family? I have a son from my previous M and am quite happy with that but I DO want to grow old with someone, someone who is mine.

I know a woman who has 2 children from an A and he is still with his W, now that, is just to much.

In answer to you question yes I would put a time limit on it, I had said to my MM that I would not have another Christmas like last year and I think I'd of stuck with that if certain things hadn't happened over last few days(another story).

[candoit]

it is so painful to be the other woman

[bentnotbroken]

it is so painful to be the other woman

 

 

Then I don't understand, why do it? Why keep sticking your hand in the fire when you know it is hot and will burn?

[whichwayisup]

it is so painful to be the other woman

 

Then choose not to be the OW anymore. Stop your pain, make it final, so you can begin to grieve and get to healing.

[White Flower]

But it’s really got me thinking and curious as to how OW may feel…How long are you willing to stay with your MM? Are you willing to see him forever even if he never D? Does he expect or think that you will? Is there anything that would cause you to end it?

I’m just really surprised at what he said.

Sky,

I have learned so much on this subject and let me tell you something; if the MM hears that he is the hot-diggity where sex, fun, or whatever is at the base of the A he will think the OW will always stand in line for it. And guess what? Many do! Just try to leave your guy and see if he leaves his W for you. I hate to tell you, but chances are he enjoyed having the A with you so much that he'll find a way to start another one with someone else.

 

I'd rather see him leave for you, of course, but nothing surprises me anymore with MM in general. If they did it once, chances are they'll do it again.

[OpenBook]

That's what happens when you give a guy (any guy, whether married, single, or somewhere in between) free sex and no strings. They get really, really complacent about you.

[torranceshipman]

See...right now, as it stands, he is probably right, based on your mindset/actions. Why? Because it is disturbing that he could say that kind of thing, and you don't even challenge him, and things just carry on as normal! I think it is a weird/selfish/disrespectful thing of him to say.

[Heather1]

The "free sex" statements make me laugh a little. When your M, it's not just free sex, but free childcare, nurse, lawyer, housecleaner, cook, accountant, personal assistant, personal trainer. Any extra's in our M, I've paid for. I paid for our wedding & honeymoon, clothes, our appliances, our furniture. My H didn't own a car, so he drove mine when we first met. I have most of the money saved for our kids to go to college. Now his business is doing well, and he's afraid of the economy so we need to cut back more. I feel more like the free sex & help married!! My H puts about a third of his earnings in our account, I have no idea where the rest of his money goes. My only other account is a trust for my kids, with all of our names on it. He has a REALLY hard time putting my name on his accounts. That's after 18 years of being M. So yeah....I'm feeling a little more used being M right now than anything else.

 

As to how long for my A.....I'm old. I'm thinking OM won't be interested in me when I reach menopause in a few years.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by whichwayisup

Are you kidding me? He actually said that? Well, there's your reason TO end it .. Now! …Do YOU think you're going to wait 2,5,10 years? When do you plan on getting out of your affair?

 

You’re 100% right. He has NO intention of leaving, divorcing his wife and he's TOTALLY OK with me staying the OW. He's completely willing to let me sit there and be his side dish, as long as I’m okay with it. And I am okay with it now, but not “forever” like he implied. I never asked or wanted him to leave his W, it’s not that kind of A. It’s not that I’m not happy with the A, but again, the fact that he thinks I’d either see only him forever or continue to see him while trying to build a real R with someone else… It just really kinda bothers me that he thinks that way. What’s f*cked up is he’s said things before that I’ve totally let slide. How to tell my x-bf I was now seeing him, my “new bf” (I do NOT consider MM my bf). Or how when he retires (in 6-8yrs) he’ll move to the country, sit on the porch, and watch his daughter’s HS friends come and go. Things like that… When do you plan on getting out of your affair? I really don’t know. I can’t even believe it’s gone on for this long

[2sunny]

Originally Posted by whichwayisup

Are you kidding me? He actually said that? Well, there's your reason TO end it .. Now! …Do YOU think you're going to wait 2,5,10 years? When do you plan on getting out of your affair?

 

You’re 100% right. He has NO intention of leaving, divorcing his wife and he's TOTALLY OK with me staying the OW. He's completely willing to let me sit there and be his side dish, as long as I’m okay with it. And I am okay with it now, but not “forever” like he implied. I never asked or wanted him to leave his W, it’s not that kind of A. It’s not that I’m not happy with the A, but again, the fact that he thinks I’d either see only him forever or continue to see him while trying to build a real R with someone else… It just really kinda bothers me that he thinks that way. What’s f*cked up is he’s said things before that I’ve totally let slide. How to tell my x-bf I was now seeing him, my “new bf” (I do NOT consider MM my bf). Or how when he retires (in 6-8yrs) he’ll move to the country, sit on the porch, and watch his daughter’s HS friends come and go. Things like that… When do you plan on getting out of your affair? I really don’t know. I can’t even believe it’s gone on for this long

 

may i ask why you don't want more from your life than what this man offers you?

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by hopeless4u

I'm not sure how old you are and if you have a family? I have a son from my previous M and am quite happy with that but I DO want to grow old with someone, someone who is mine.

I know a woman who has 2 children from an A and he is still with his W, now that, is just to much.

In answer to you question yes I would put a time limit on it…

I’m 28yrs, MM is 55yrs. I’ve been seeing him since I was 23 and only him since 24. I don’t have any kids, never been M, but I do want all of these things someday. I couldn’t ever have it with him even if I wanted to; it is TOO much. What’s weird is as much as I could never see or want to have kids with a MM the last 7mo we’ve been pretty wreckless. A pregnancy would be devastating to both of us. I know I have to end it. I don’t know why I haven’t. Well, I do. I like seeing him. But this is just…I don’t know…

 

Originally Posted by white flower

if the MM hears that he is the hot-diggity where sex, fun, or whatever is at the base of the A he will think the OW will always stand in line for it.

 

Originally Posted by open book

That's what happens when you give a guy (any guy, whether married, single, or somewhere in between) free sex and no strings. They get really, really complacent about you.

 

I guess that’s true. I’ve been with MM and quasi-MM, but never anything this long or exclusive. The R always were either a ONS, a short fling that just fizzled out, or several ONS with the same guy (friends) that I’m still friends and hang out with (some even still with the same girl they cheated on). It’s always been a quick, quiet, and easy exit. Never has anyone said I expect you to stick around.

[2sunny]

seems you may enjoy the avoiding intimacy part of a relationship, could this be true?

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by torranceshipman

See...right now, as it stands, he is probably right, based on your mindset/actions. Why? Because it is disturbing that he could say that kind of thing, and you don't even challenge him, and things just carry on as normal! I think it is a weird/selfish/disrespectful thing of him to say.

No, I didn’t challenge him. I really was caught quite off-guard. I didn’t know what to say. I was going to bring it up the same night when we saw each other, but he’d already had a long day. I didn’t want to bother him with it. I was going to bring it up today (he’ll call after 9pm), but I probably just let it slide again.

 

Originally Posted by 2sunny

may i ask why you don't want more from your life than what this man offers you?

I do want more which is why I haven’t become emotional attached to him. I just like being with him. I just never planned on it being what it’s become.

[2sunny]

I do want more which is why I haven’t become emotional attached to him. I just like being with him. I just never planned on it being what it’s become.

 

so now that the reality of what it has becomes is clear - what are you planning to do to change this?

[fooled once]

You don't want to bring it up because he has had a hard day???

 

You will probably let it slide because.....

 

Because you don't challenge him on anything. You don't expect more from him because you know he can't/won't give more.

 

He is very happy to have a young girl, probably younger than his children, more than willing to be his sex partner.

 

Does he give you money? Is he more a 'sugar daddy' to you? I have to say, I am kinda grossed out that this old man has the hots for someone as young as you. Kinda creepy. People probably think you are his granddaughter if you go out together.

 

As long as you are involved with him, you won't seek a real relationship ~ at least that is my thought. You won't have to put yourself out there; to risk getting hurt. This affair is 'safe' for you. He isn't leaving, you aren't expecting more.

 

I wonder if the cavalier attitude towards unprotected sex recently is your way of trying to hang onto him, even if only by having his child? At least that way, you never have to end it.

 

Have you ever had a true relationship - you and a single guy?

[whatever_nevermind]

If you been with him for 5 years and you haven’t discussed it and always let it slide then he probably do expect you to always be there. Have you given him any indication that you won’t? He has no reason to want it to end – a 55 year old snagging a 28 year old for no strings fun. Yep...I’d say he’s happy. He’s getting the best of both worlds. A wife and an OW both “taking care” of him (in the same and different way). Why are you ok with that?...How are you ok with it?

 

Do you really have no emotional attachment after 5 years? Because that’s a long time to see someone “exclusively” if you don’t have feelings.

[jnd2009]

in my situation as the OW, the MM and i have actually talked about this. the MM i have 'on the side' has no kids, nor is he tryin now with his W since he's still in school. he actually brought it up the other night that it's just temporary fun, and once they start trying it will be over. he's not done school for another year- so we'll see how that goes.

[Impudent Oyster]

He asked “if I have a time-limit for him”. I responded “no, but can you really imagine 5yrs from now we’ll be saying can you believe we’ve been together for 10yrs now.” In which he replied “yes. Why not? Why would you stop seeing me?”

 

WTH?????!?!?!??!?!?

 

This is a joke, right?

[Impudent Oyster]

it is so painful to be the other woman

 

No one is holding a gun to their heads.

[OWoman]

No one is holding a gun to their heads.

 

You never know. Some BWs do the crazy stunt...

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by fooled once

He is very happy to have a young girl, probably younger than his children, more than willing to be his sex partner.

Does he give you money? Is he more a 'sugar daddy' to you? I have to say, I am kinda grossed out that this old man has the hots for someone as young as you.

From his first M he has 2 kids 33yrs and 28yrs. His current M he has 3 kids 11-4yrs. So I am the same age as one of his daughters, but in all fairness I went after him. So it’s not like he was the pervert chasing younger girls…No, he’s not my ‘sugar daddy’ or anything like that.

 

As long as you are involved with him, you won't seek a real relationship ~ at least that is my thought.

When I’m seeing a MM it’s because I don't want a real relationship at that time. I don’t expect more because that’s not “the rules” of an A. The MM I see are the intermissions between real R.

 

I wonder if the cavalier attitude towards unprotected sex recently is your way of trying to hang onto him, even if only by having his child?

Absolutely not. A pregnancy by him would be one of the worst things I could think of.

 

Have you ever had a true relationship - you and a single guy?

Yes. I have no problems with R. In fact, I’m thinking about giving it another try with my x-bf (a guy I really love). Ironically, my ex (who is a lot older too - never married, no kids, never will) will never give me what I want out of a R either.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by whatever nevermind

Why are you ok with that?...How are you ok with it?

Do you really have no emotional attachment after 5 years? Because that’s a long time to see someone “exclusively” if you don’t have feelings.

I’m not emotional involved. I’m okay with it (the A) because I’m not looking for a R with my/a MM. I’m fine just hooking up for fun or whatever I get from it. I’m only having a problem with how I think he’s viewing it. I’ve been thinking about it so much since he said it that I’ve dreamt about it the past 3-4 nights. I guess the only way to solve it is to talk to him. I just really hate that I even need to have this conversation with him.

 

Originally Posted by jnd2009

in my situation as the OW, the MM and i have actually talked about this…he actually brought it up the other night that it's just temporary fun, and once they start trying it will be over. he's not done school for another year- so we'll see how that goes.

This is how I think it should be and how any MM I’ve been with was. I smile right now that you say he's not done school for another year- so we'll see how that goes because that was my attitude (kinda my attitude in life in general). But what was supposed to be a 3-4mos fling turned into years. I would have never, ever expected it to last this long.