Married ex wants me back

[perseverance]

Hello, this is my first post on this forum, i am a long time active member on a different forum, someone who read my post advised me to ask advice here.

 

I dont even know how to really describe the situation, not many respond to my posts like this... but i could really use some input, im really confused and i cant seem to get a handle on it.

 

Shes married, ill get that out of the way first. We dated 5 years ago, nothing ever came of it, but i always felt that i didnt understand what happened but just let it go as something i had no control over. So like 2 mondays ago, she contacts me for the first time in a few years, shes tried to come back to me before but i always rejected her. This time around, we talk and we decide that there are things that we needed to say. We hang out, i end up spending a couple of days at her we have a blast, no sex but lots of attraction.

 

Fast forward, she blows up my cell all day, we have hung out almost every day, see local sights, and talk for 6 hours a night, had sex, gave her a first time ever orgasm. Its like spiraled out of control, but the feelings i have are so complicated.

 

Her husband has cheated, threatened with divorce, kinda start going psycho. She tells me the relationship has no more trust.

 

So how i feel... We have to hide it from all her friends and family except one. So hanging out with her with them is difficult, then... hanging out with her alone is difficult too, i keep feeling the tension between the fact that i need to act like her friend 90% of the time, not seeing her for 5 years, and rejoining social circle(s), and the fact that im afraid to emotionally invest in her, because i could just as easily get burned, which im not mad at her about, but i know its a reality. So i get distant... and start to hurt. We talk about it almost every time we hang out, how i feel, how we feel. She sounds like she wants to be with me, but she isnt prepared to leave him.

 

So i like feel like a friend... I have to be around everyone else, and i am afraid to emotionally invest when im alone with her so again friended. But at the same time we have pretty strong feelings for each other... we have sex, and she tells me she loves me... i may be a fool but i think on some level we do.

 

post 2

 

I felt a little self conscious about posting some other details, i guess ill share them, though i feel like im exposing someone elses life for my own gain.

 

ok, so he proposed/married her before telling her he was being deployed to Afghanistan, at that point in time he was cheating on her, she found all this out a little while later, and has been deployed ever since (less than a year). He just reenlisted, without telling her aswell. She thinks hes messed up from it, he blows up on her, they climbed a mountain and they had to leave because it reminded him of afgan the stuff goes on. She tells me she doesnt want to be an army wife, it isnt what she signed up for with him, but she has no control over what he does.

 

I did really try and figure this out, ive been... trying to be careful, she feels like she was never married to him, that their relationship even if it was good was a mistake, and feels hurt that shes been treated like that.

 

She said shes nervous, obviously about leaving him, she feels that ironically marriage is the real deal... but hes throwing it away. That she knows it will never be good again, and that if in 1,2,5 years or whatever they really break down, she knows i wont be there waiting and rightly so. he told her he wanted a divorce and shes been playing it by ear from there.

 

 

So how do i handle my feelings in relation to her. I told her yesterday that we needed to think about these things for a few days, that i couldnt do it anymore (thats not what i want though). How to handle the fact that i love her but cant be in love with her, it kills me. Have i already gone to far to do the right thing... make the right decision. Do i need to keep NC until she makes a decision, or should i try and talk to her more. Her husband comes back into the states wednesday, so her decision is coming kind of soon.

[learnfrommymistakes]

Welcome perserverance

 

First of all, give yourself credit for coming here and speaking your heart, to me that is a huge step. It does feel awkawd to talk in detail about other people ...but it does help sort through some feelings..but yes sometimes it can feel like you are exposing someone....

 

I think it is good for men to come here and talk, think, etc. It shows you are aware and not just in fantasy land, you are torn up...I am sorry for your pain, and see how complicated it is.

 

Here are some thoughts, just my own little ones...

 

1. Stay around here, it will help you see some things in new light, and perhaps help you see things you know you do or don't want for your own life...with this person.

 

2. Be aware - in coming here you will get some real truths, and may not like what you here if it does not fit with what you want to hear, but people here are great and very responsive, and have walked the walk all too well. This place can also make you feel even worse, at times, because you may see / learn that your situation is not as unique as you think...just take it all in stride, the good, the bad, etc..you will sort out what works for you

 

3. This sounds like a real f-up situation. The longer you stay in the worse it will get. Do all you can to get her to sort out her own life first, then come to you if and when she is divorced. You are playing with fire, you dont her motives, you dont know if you are being used as a distraction or pay back, to get him back, etc. She probably feels she desevres some fun and likes you..wants you. The issue is that these things rarely end well and can on and on and on forever...affairs.

 

Stick around you will see.

 

ALSO big red flag, she is with someone who is having some major emotional issues, somehting you or she probably could not undestand unless you have been to the places he has been and see what he saw. He may be in a horrible frame of mind and he probably needs help. BUT you should walk away fast and not be the fallback guy, the one who gives her an excuse. They either need therapy or something big there. This is not the case of a couple who just grew apart after 20 years..there is some major crap, scary crap...going on for them.

 

If he is as fragile (who knows really) as she claims, then he may be dangerous and flip out on her, and or you. You really need to focus on you and you know what the deal is, or you wouldnt post here. You are in a shi**y situation that can only get worse. You can tell her you care, from a far, but until she leaves/ends that Marriage, you are playing with fire.

 

Most A's never end in marriage or the 2 people getting together in the end, there is so much pain, betrayel, hurt going on during the affair, that even when things fall apart for the spouses, it does not mean you will be with her. Watch out, be careful and dont be the doormat...I have been there, and done that.

 

Her husband sounds like he needs help, and you being there for her may just convince her to stay with him longer and have the affair, because she wont have to leave him or justify it, cause he has made mistakes...and if she can hold on to a marriage by having three people in it, you, him and her, she will. Sometimes the more available and there you are, the more it makes the spouse stay....cause they have what they need from you and what they need from their spouse.

 

BE careful and god bless, really

I send warm hugs and know this is painful as hell..we are here for u

LFMM