Being the one suddenly ignored

[lissar]

Hi everyone,

 

I am so glad I found this forum. I've been struggling a bit lately. I'm a MW and my H and I lived on separate coasts for a year...he moved back in Sept. Our relationship is good, but it's lacking in the physical department.

 

Once I was living on my own last fall, I met a MM, and I really liked him a lot, we had a great chemistry and I was totally attracted to him, probably the first time I felt that way about someone in like 15 years. We emailed and chatted and met once which went great. I thought it might turn into something but then he told me he decided to be with another girlfriend. In a weird way, I wouldn't have been as upset if he decided to go back with his W...but another girlfriend, that hurt.

 

We were in LC after that because he wanted to stay friends, but then he asked me to his house to sleep with him and I said no. Then I didn't hear from him for months. I would email him once a month or so, but no answers so I stopped. Then this past summer I sent him a short note and he answered. He was separated and no longer with the girlfriend. So we met up and I asked all these serious questions and he actually answered them. I was very upfront with my situation as well, that I was not planning on leaving my H, etc. We met again a couple of times after that.

 

For a couple of weeks it was nice, then I stopped hearing from him as regularly...but I kind of let it go because I wasn't looking for anything super serious and I got the impression he wasn't either. It was just fun to hang out. But then he kept making plans with me and then canceling and it got to the point where it was rude so I called him on it, and it turned out he was still dealing with the girlfriend, at the "end of a dying relationship."

 

I was upset, and realized I let myself get too attached to him, even though I was trying so hard not to. We went out a couple of more times. After the last time though, after I got home, he started texting me and got into this big discussion about me and all the things I need to change about my life, so I called him and he was talking about how I had these unrealistic expectations of our relationship and I need to do this and do that to be happy...it was weird. He sounded so angry too, and I had no idea where this all came from.

 

So I was like, okay... Then he wanted to meet up again but cancelled and I haven't heard from him since. I've tried asking him what's going on but I'm just ignored. My problem is I know I should move on but I'm just having trouble. I've emailed him a couple of times but that's it. I just hate being suddenly ignored with no reason at all. Has that happened to anyone else? Just a sudden NC with no warning? What does that mean?

 

And now that my H is back in my every day life, the fact that I'm still thinking about the other guy isn't helping that situation. So I'm a bit of mess.

 

Thanks for listening.

[ladydesigner]

The first time I was ignored was the day before my XOM ended the A. Then he wanted to do the "friends" thing and some of my emails got ignored and some didn't. I finally went NC and do not care what he thinks anymore, plus I don't have to be ignored anymore

[4everloveu]

The best way that you don't want to be ignored is not to contact them. The more you contact the more he ignore you than you get angry and upset. The best solution is go NC.

[offset_man]

I had an affair with a MW (I am married) and it was very good for over 3 years. A perfectly symetical thing happening. She was content so was I. Then it ended when she found another man who apparently offered her a better long term package (my words not hers). According to her close friend this ass told her that she could have no contact with me at all. The fight all the time she said over me. So he is very jealous. Sounds pretty screwed up doesn't it. She also misses me she told her friend, however has maintained this no contact rule with me. So it has gone very quiet until recently when her friend told me that said I needed to see her. I could not betray the confidence of her friend since my OW told me that she was not now with this other guy, something she still says. But that appears not to be true. Point is, that yes, it has happened to me, but in my case, it has been compounded by a the very jealous BF of my ex GF who is still married and living with her husband but pretending she is not with the new BF!!!

[lissar]

Offset, I think it may be similar here. Whenever he was dealing with the MGF, it was NC. When they were not together, he'd talk and hang out with me. At one point he told me the MGF was suspicious... So I kind of assumed that he must be back with the MGF now since it's silence again.

 

I totally realize that I need to go NC and stop caring about it. But it's hard, as you all know!

 

Thanks for the thoughts...

[Alpha Female]

Youve really been the one doing all the pursuing here. Hes M, already seeing a few OW, and its like when he has a cancellation, hell deal with you, otherwise you totally dont matter.

 

I know how much it hurts, I do. But this guy wasnt even interested enough to give you the time of day.

 

Move on. Maybe things can get better with your H now that hes home?

[Trimmer]

I was upset, and realized I let myself get too attached to him, even though I was trying so hard not to. We went out a couple of more times. After the last time though, after I got home, he started texting me and got into this big discussion about me and all the things I need to change about my life, so I called him and he was talking about how I had these unrealistic expectations of our relationship and I need to do this and do that to be happy...it was weird. He sounded so angry too, and I had no idea where this all came from.

To understand anger, look for the fear that underlies it.

[stuckinoz]

Here's the way I look at being a participant in an affair & it coming to an end.

 

First of all - We are HUGELY emotional during this affair time - whether it be a long or short affair. (Especially so if both parties are married to someone else)

 

Secondly, Realistically, We're not thinking clearly.

 

Third - We have huge egos because WOW someone finds us attractive!

 

Then POW....That someone ignores us. Out of the clear blue sky!

 

Well, We're not going to be ignored (no one puts Baby in a corner - concept) So, we turn into crazy stalker-like people. Demanding, emailing, calling - for just one answer to WHY.

Sometimes we get a Why. Sometimes we don't.

 

When my XMM used to put me on "Ignore" - I'd beg, for a while. But inadvertantly he'd come back a week or so later. Claiming "He had SOOO much to deal with" & now he could be with me again. WTF is that about?

One other time when I was ignored - I later found out he'd met someone else. - These types are known as SERIAL CHEATERS, for those that didn't know that And, Oh Don't we just LOVEEEeee them

 

Anyway, the bottom line is with affairs there are NO rules & regs to determine what is right & what is wrong. No "Quitting Affairs For Dummies"

 

If you're ignored - Ya just gotta figure out the best way to deal with it. And, try not to turn into a crazy person.

This probably doesn't help - Mostly I'm venting! Ain't It Fun:lmao:

[whichwayisup]

Why not focus this energy into your husband, put in more effort into making your sex life with him more exciting.

 

Go on dates, role play, pretend to pick eachother up and make out in the car..

 

You have a husband who loves you, talk to him and work together to make your marriage better.

[lissar]

I was all ready to email SMM again but now I am not going to. I actually sent him a kind-of goodbye mail a little bit ago so I'll just leave it at that. The NC has begun...10 days and counting!

 

I know I need to work on my marriage. I'm in IC working through some of the issues I have...and we're also going to work on some stuff together. But that's a whole other thread and forum.

 

Thanks again for your comments...it's nice that there's people here who don't judge but just offer help and support.

[Alpha Female]

Yes! Do that! Focus on your M!

 

Because its not that your suddenly being ignored by this MM. From what you wrote, hes always ignored you, and youve always chased him.

 

Im not saying anyone involved in an affair is right or bad or good or true, but this guy didnt even care enough to engage you in a real affair. Hes always treated you like a fourth rate customer.

 

Not sure whats going on with your M, but it sounds like a more viable R to pursue, considering your H is coming home.

 

Do you think this is something you are willing to do?

 

I get the feeling this MM was nothing more than a time filler mentally while your H was away. Yes?

[beachbabyblues]

Here's the way I look at being a participant in an affair & it coming to an end.

 

First of all - We are HUGELY emotional during this affair time - whether it be a long or short affair. (Especially so if both parties are married to someone else)

 

Secondly, Realistically, We're not thinking clearly.

 

Third - We have huge egos because WOW someone finds us attractive!

 

Then POW....That someone ignores us. Out of the clear blue sky!

 

Well, We're not going to be ignored (no one puts Baby in a corner - concept) So, we turn into crazy stalker-like people. Demanding, emailing, calling - for just one answer to WHY.

Sometimes we get a Why. Sometimes we don't.

 

When my XMM used to put me on "Ignore" - I'd beg, for a while. But inadvertantly he'd come back a week or so later. Claiming "He had SOOO much to deal with" & now he could be with me again. WTF is that about?

One other time when I was ignored - I later found out he'd met someone else. - These types are known as SERIAL CHEATERS, for those that didn't know that And, Oh Don't we just LOVEEEeee them

 

Anyway, the bottom line is with affairs there are NO rules & regs to determine what is right & what is wrong. No "Quitting Affairs For Dummies"

 

If you're ignored - Ya just gotta figure out the best way to deal with it. And, try not to turn into a crazy person.

This probably doesn't help - Mostly I'm venting! Ain't It Fun:lmao:

This was so well written.. thank you. Especially the "putting you on ignore" and the the sooooooooo busy excses.. WTF. Do they really think we are that stupid... ha, well I guess we are. Getting involved with MM in the fiirst place. thank for this post. smiling huge here.

[RedDevil66]

I had an affair with a MW (I am married) and it was very good for over 3 years. A perfectly symetical thing happening. She was content so was I. Then it ended when she found another man who apparently offered her a better long term package (my words not hers). According to her close friend this ass told her that she could have no contact with me at all. The fight all the time she said over me. So he is very jealous. Sounds pretty screwed up doesn't it. She also misses me she told her friend, however has maintained this no contact rule with me. So it has gone very quiet until recently when her friend told me that said I needed to see her. I could not betray the confidence of her friend since my OW told me that she was not now with this other guy, something she still says. But that appears not to be true. Point is, that yes, it has happened to me, but in my case, it has been compounded by a the very jealous BF of my ex GF who is still married and living with her husband but pretending she is not with the new BF!!!

 

 

Yes it does, as screwed up as having an affair

[RedDevil66]

I was all ready to email SMM again but now I am not going to. I actually sent him a kind-of goodbye mail a little bit ago so I'll just leave it at that. The NC has begun...10 days and counting!

 

I know I need to work on my marriage. I'm in IC working through some of the issues I have...and we're also going to work on some stuff together. But that's a whole other thread and forum.

 

Thanks again for your comments...it's nice that there's people here who don't judge but just offer help and support.

 

I think it's a great step that you're getting help to realize your issues. Focus on you and having a happy marriage.

 

There are people who judge, but that is reserved for those who take pleasure in the hurt they caused. I don't see that here.

 

We all lose our way some times :-)

 

good luck

[lissar]

Saw this in another thread and thought it was relevant here...not sure how to link to that post, so here's the quote:

 

IMO, the silent treatment is used to avoid:

1. The drama of breakup which sometimes, surprisingly includes the back-arse thought of not wanting to hurt someone else.
   
2. It leaves the door open for future contact, in case they change their minds.
   
3. It's also used as a form of manipulation, whether punishment or trying to get someone to do what you want, since the one who breaks first, is perceived to "lose". In the latter scenario, it's a lose/lose situation.
   

 

What's funny about #1 here is that literally the last thing my SMM emailed me after his angry brain dump on how I could be a better person was to say "sorry for being overdramatic." And I thought too it was his way of leaving the door open...just in case.

 

Alpha, you're right in a way...it was somewhat of a time filler...I was so lonely...but I still fell harder than I should have.