back to square one

[Heather1]

I lasted a whole month of NC before I got that Happy Birthday email!! I didn't hear anything after that, so today I sent a short email. He asked if I'd be at this event I've helped them with at work & I said I'd asked for it off this year, but I have it all set up for him & his friends. Then he asked to talk, and I was so excited & waited for the call while sitting in my car (I don't have blue tooth, so I parked).

I waited, and waited, and waited......about 20 min later I check my email, and he'd sent a quick one right after saying he was going to call saying gotta run??? I went from extreme high, to the extreme low. Then I got really bummed & said that really hurt....he never got back to me.

I'm heartbroken all over again!! I kept it really light, until I sat in my car for 20 minutes rehearsing what I was going to say after over 2 months of not seeing him. The last time I saw him, we were having sex.

I feel so stupid. I was ok & now I'm a friggin mess again. How attractive! I hate all this, I'm usually so confident & fun.

[NowhereToHide]

I lasted a whole month of NC before I got that Happy Birthday email!! I didn't hear anything after that, so today I sent a short email. He asked if I'd be at this event I've helped them with at work & I said I'd asked for it off this year, but I have it all set up for him & his friends. Then he asked to talk, and I was so excited & waited for the call while sitting in my car (I don't have blue tooth, so I parked).

I waited, and waited, and waited......about 20 min later I check my email, and he'd sent a quick one right after saying he was going to call saying gotta run??? I went from extreme high, to the extreme low. Then I got really bummed & said that really hurt....he never got back to me.

I'm heartbroken all over again!! I kept it really light, until I sat in my car for 20 minutes rehearsing what I was going to say after over 2 months of not seeing him. The last time I saw him, we were having sex.

I feel so stupid. I was ok & now I'm a friggin mess again. How attractive! I hate all this, I'm usually so confident & fun.

 

Ughh... I remember that feeling. My xAP was supposed to connect with me once and did the exact same thing. We were supposed to have a talk about "us" and our feelings regarding the end of the A. He just bailed. And I waited, just like you did only to discover that he sent some lame-ass email about why he couldn't talk.

 

We give so much away. So much of ourselves, and our self-respect. For nothing.

 

Hang in there. And do yourself a favor and go back to the NC. I wish I had done it a long time ago.

[MizzBlue72]

Heather - HUGS to you.

You are going to be OK. Just because you broke NC does not mean you can't start again.

I know you are hurting - don't beat yourself up to much.

We all have those moments ... trust me.

[Heather1]

I sent him another long email, just saying what I'd been up to the last month. I should have known he was going to contact me, because his best friend did the day before & I thought nothing of it. I'm trying so hard to just be me, and I came off like a lunatic when I sat there like an idiot, waiting...

I didn't say anything about my feelings, etc. Well, I did, and I deleted those whole 2 paragraphs. I told him how I was, and then i told him I just wanted him to be happy & that I miss-understood his email. But did I? I feel like he's messing with me. It doesn't matter. I made such an ass of myself after that up & down I'm sure I won't hear from him again. I've removed myself from any situation I might run into him a long time ago. I changed my work schedule, stayed away from his friends, etc. so I don't hear about him at all. I really put in an effort to do what he wants. That, and I've told no one. I hope as the time goes by he at least appreciates I made things easier for him & didn't put up a fight. It doesn't matter...but it's funny as I write that I'm the one that kept saying "I understand." He's never said that to me.

[whichwayisup]

Delete and block him on your email. Sorry, but it sounds like he was 'fishing' and getting an ego feed, to see if you were still interested. He got what he wanted and now he's disappeared again, leaving you broken hearted and feeling foolish.

 

Notice how it's all about HIM and not about you??

 

Anyway, get back into NC mode and IF he tries to contact you again, DON'T react! Ignore him.

[lovekillsslowly]

Girl I could SO RELATE to the high and low that you were going through when you thought he was going to call! Been there - done that.

 

You get your hopes up....you think "this time he will say what I long to hear....this time he will KNOW that he wants to be with me and will apologize for ever doubting that....." and then BAM - NOTHING HAPPENS.

 

Or worse he does call and talks about everything BUT the topic at hand. He treats you like you are one of his "buddies" instead of someone who shared something so very special with him.

 

I'm on day 13 of NC...of course I had a "detour" on day 9 and 11 of my "road trip" and called him...stupid mistake that was....but now I'm back on the road again. Trying to move on with my life with no communication between he and I.

 

I felt the urge to call him very badly this morning but have been reading and posting on here instead. It's helped the urge to diminish and for that I'm grateful.

 

Hang in there. Pull your big girl panties up and move on. They are not worth all this misery, headache and heart-ache.

 

Love, LKS

[Heather1]

I'm right back to being an idiot. He apologized & said it was really bad timing & said for me to give him direction in what to do. I said I'd think about it, and then stupidly suggested I could use a friend. He said that would be great, and that he'd call after the weekend. Since then I'm been a basket case. I've sent 3 stupid emails with no reply.

 

Can someone just beat my head with a hammer & tell me to STOP!!! God, he's such a weak spot for me! Why isn't it that he's coming after ME instead of me just melting? I'm still waiting for the birthday/christmas presents from last year, when he was totally into me. Then there was the disaster of our first NC when I left him telling him I was in love with him, and when he did make contact again he was pissed I said that & told me he only has love for his wife.

 

I was OK, before he contacted me. I was OK. Now I'm right friggin back to where I started, with 3 stupid unanswered emails out there & a bleeding heart.

[Montclair0011]

Oh, this is so familiar. Don't beat yourself up for being an idiot. You are in frantic pain. It's normal. Be glad that you have feelings even if they don't feel very well. Be nice to yourself and get back on the road to NC. It's sucks, I know. Nothing but pain. Take deep breaths. Look for distractions. One foot in front of the other. Step by step. You will be ok eventually and you will love again.

[jj33]

Heather its part of the process.

 

You broke NC but now you wont be tempted to break it again because you will look back on this weekend and say NEVER AGAIN.

 

I am never going to fall for his nonsense again.

[learnfrommymistakes]

Heather

I am sorry, I know how hard it is to believe in someone and get your hopes up and get weak all over again and be burned, been there done that. It is like we are wating for the magic moment when they have an epiphony and a "V8" moment, lol..wow i should have had a V8...duh.

 

We all ride this roller coaster I think and I know I have experienced the major highs and lows. They bite.

 

Stay strong and know you can always come here for supprt

lfmm

[beachbabyblues]

I am embarassed to say that I have been in the exact same boat. Waiting for him to meet me and then see him drive right by with his wife in the car. WOW...

 

You know what surprises me the most? How we females can be so intelligent and yet allow ourselves to fall into the man trap. We all need to smarten up and stop treating ourselves and other females so crappy.

[whichwayisup]

He went fishing..

 

My advice is the same..Delete and block him. He's a jerk and not worth your time. Stop beating yourself up and get back into NC mode! Stay strong.

[Heather1]

It certainly was a reminder for how things were, with him in total control & still is.

I don't know anyone who wouldn't react after that "can we talk" and then hanging by the phone. I didn't go crazy or anything, but he knows I was hurt. He wouldn't have known I was hurt at all if that hadn't have happened & he would have just called me, to find out I was OK & things are good. It right away set the contact tone back to how things were, him in control & me throwing my hurt out there for him to see. Way more drama than it would have been if he just called. I never play victim, but I swear he created that drama on purpose.

The 3 emails I still have out there unanswered aren't bad (thank God). I won't send another one. As hard as NC is, this is MUCH harder. I just never know what he's going to do & I get the rug ripped out from under me every time I "hope." Even something as stupid as a phone call, where he asks to talk & then never calls. Really.....how would anyone not react to that? I reacted as calmly as anyone could, but he knows I'm hurt & I never wanted him to know that ever again.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Heather,

 

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that he likes to be in control. As much as your feelings for him are so consuming, so is his need to be in control of every situation. It's his love high. It'll never change. He has to be loving and charming in order to get someone to bend to his control, but after that comes his payoff.

 

I understand that its practically unfathomable to the average person which makes it impossible to wrap your head around, but there you have it. The only way to actually not be emotionally involved/controlled, is to be completely apathetic. Until then, it will be a game of push and pull with him. Him holding the carrot and swiping it out of your reach when you get close.

 

Its kind of like someone handing you your dream car. Beautiful, not a blemish, perfect comfortable interior, yet it doesn't have an engine. You can touch it, sit in it, admire it, but you will never drive it, because its undrivable. How long are you going to sit around bemoaning the fact that it won't go? That's kind of where you are now. You are in control of deciding how long you'll allow yourself to be devastated by an illusion.

[Heather1]

You are SO right!! He was like this from the beginning, but I just let him get ahold of me (for our year of "friendship" before this happened) and I could kind of take him or leave him. I liked him a lot, I knew that. But he was M, so I had my own life & was stressed, but really happy. I got an email from a friend (someone else sent it) saying, "say your last words, he's not doing well." Then the next morning my friend died. I didn't know he was sick, I was in shock. The day before the services was our first kiss, where he kissed me. We held off on sex for months, and then he told me he was really falling for me & I was going to break his heart. After we had sex, he changed his tune completely & it's been like this ever since. Crazy people make you feel crazy. The ups & downs this creates is one thing, but I swear it feels like he takes it to the next level on purpose. I'm a very even, rational person who never has highs or lows. I keep confusing the ups& downs with the situation, and that it's not easy for any of us. But he creates these higher highs & lower lows. I need off the roller coaster.

[Heather1]

You're right about the pretty package too....he's a gorgeous, extremely wealthy man w/ a private jet. And yet.....our relationship (even as friends) has been me doing all the favors for he & his friends & he's never even bought me a gift.

Alright, now I feel REALLY stupid & used. The hard part for all of me in this is that no one knows, and I have no one to talk to.

[lissar]

Crazy people make you feel crazy. The ups & downs this creates is one thing, but I swear it feels like he takes it to the next level on purpose. I'm a very even, rational person who never has highs or lows. I keep confusing the ups& downs with the situation, and that it's not easy for any of us. But he creates these higher highs & lower lows. I need off the roller coaster.

 

Heather, I totally understand this, along with dealing with the ups and downs like a roller coaster. I even wrote in my journal at one point, I want off this ride!! And then the xSMM accuses me of creating drama when every other person I know says I'm the least dramatic person ever. So you are right...crazy people do make you feel crazy...the craziness has got to go!

 

{hugs}

[Lucky_One]

Why should he get you a gift?

 

People give gifts to other people that they appreciate and that they want to please. You are the one doing all the chasing and the pleasing - he just sits back and lets you perform for him.

 

Men like to chase. Classic example - he chased you for 6 months with romantic words and vows of love. You gave in and had sex with him, and the ballgame changed. You now chase him to keep him interested, and he can't even be bothered to write you an email or give you a call.

 

Does being in that sort of R really give you pleasure and stable happiness?

[Heather1]

I'm mad, so I can only bring up negative right now.

 

He actually has done me some huge favors, without me even asking him. I don't really feel like I ever chased him, he always contacted me (except for this weird thing the other day). We have done things his way, that's for sure.

 

I didn't go nuts in those emails, so if he doesn't respond it's not going to matter much. I'm not ashamed of what I said at all, I just told him friends was purgatory for me, so that wasn't going to work. I guess here it's called LC, which was what we had before we went to NC.

 

So I had a slip, and not much damage with angry emails, etc.. All I can control is how I react. His thoughts are only my imagination. I'm just going to wish him the best in my mind, try to understand that his reasoning is because we're both M, and I need to move on. Luckily I'm not a mess in front of his friends this past month. They've only seen me happy, and I haven't asked them about him at all. So if he gets reports back from any of them, he knows I'm happy...and isn't that the best revenge anyway?

[Heather1]

He called....

 

I don't think I'm done yet....