How to finally say goodbye

[NowhereToHide]

So... I've tried going NC a few times. It hasn't stuck.

 

I know I need to say goodbye. It's time. I need to move on once and for all without the ghost of him in my life and in my marriage.

 

I don't want him. He offers me nothing. Even as a "friend" he sucks.

 

He sent me an email last week. I responded. And here I am, two days later, with still no response. I'm not hurt, I'm annoyed. And frustrated that I'm still allowing him in my life.

 

I know that if I send him an email asking him to not contact me, he will honor it, and I will never hear from him again. Which is probably why I haven't done it. The finality of it is something I guess I'm struggling with.

 

You guys are great at putting things in perspective.... I need to hear it.

[ladydesigner]

You have to be okay with the finality of it. I struggled with NC many times and realized I was getting NOTHING out of the contact that I had with him. The times waiting for him to respond to my emails just kept reinforcing why he ended things with me, plus I was married with kids and a H who I am not sure whether or not I will decide to stay married to, but for now I do. I too did not want the ghost of him in my life. You sound like your ready. LS and everyone here is what helped me do it too. It was the best thing I have ever done since starting the A. You will do it when you are ready. Another thing I was always torn up about was the idea of ending a friendship, but then I had to stop and think of exactly what kind of friend this was. It was a friend who helped me deceive my H, my children, myself, his significant other, and more. Plus he wasn't very pleasant to me upon ending the A. All these things when I add them up just do not equate to a great friendship. My "friendship" with him had to end. It was necessary. It also helped me regain a sense of my integrity and power, that I am not this defenseless victim who was played and thrown away so easily. That I will not continue to feed my ego and his anymore. I am much happier now, I know it will get better and better as each day passes with NC. So far that has proven to be true.

[RedDevil66]

You do sound like you're ready.

 

I'm like you, I hate "endings". Maybe don't send him an email to ask him not to contact you, Just don't send anything. Just let it fade away.

[NowhereToHide]

You do sound like you're ready.

 

I'm like you, I hate "endings". Maybe don't send him an email to ask him not to contact you, Just don't send anything. Just let it fade away.

 

Red, I tried that. It backfired.

 

He's the kind of guy that needs to hear it I think. I just need to send it.

[RedDevil66]

Red, I tried that. It backfired.

 

He's the kind of guy that needs to hear it I think. I just need to send it.

 

Then send it. Take a deep breathe and do it for you. Sometimes sad endings turn into happy new beginings.

 

hug

[NowhereToHide]

You have to be okay with the finality of it. I struggled with NC many times and realized I was getting NOTHING out of the contact that I had with him. The times waiting for him to respond to my emails just kept reinforcing why he ended things with me, plus I was married with kids and a H who I am not sure whether or not I will decide to stay married to, but for now I do. I too did not want the ghost of him in my life. You sound like your ready. LS and everyone here is what helped me do it too. It was the best thing I have ever done since starting the A. You will do it when you are ready. Another thing I was always torn up about was the idea of ending a friendship, but then I had to stop and think of exactly what kind of friend this was. It was a friend who helped me deceive my H, my children, myself, his significant other, and more. Plus he wasn't very pleasant to me upon ending the A. All these things when I add them up just do not equate to a great friendship. My "friendship" with him had to end. It was necessary. It also helped me regain a sense of my integrity and power, that I am not this defenseless victim who was played and thrown away so easily. That I will not continue to feed my ego and his anymore. I am much happier now, I know it will get better and better as each day passes with NC. So far that has proven to be true.

 

Lady, you have always sounded so much like me in your posts. And I totally agree with everything you've just said.

 

He isn't a friend. He's not really anything anymore. He's someone who I exchange an email with a couple times a month now.

 

Every single part of our relationship was on his terms. I guess I would like to salvage some dignity and end it on my own terms. For whatever reason, I've never had good instincts when it came to him. Even now.

[fooled once]

NWTH -----

 

END IT.

 

Stop waiting for an email. Stop watching to see if you get one.

 

ENOUGH.

 

It is the past. Put it there and keep it there.

 

Focus on the future. Focus on what you really WANT from this point forward.

 

Do you want your marriage? Honestly - do you want it? Don't give me any crap about staying for kids or because of history, blah blah.

 

Give me your answer from your gut?

 

If the answer is yes, then do whatever you possibly can do to rid yourself of the past.

 

YOU CANNOT MOVE FORWARD if you keep the past in front of you.

 

((hug))

 

I know you can do it -- but do you have what it takes to do it?

[Devil Inside]

NTH...I know this has been a struggle for you. However, look how far you have come. You closed down the email account. You no longer look at him on Facebook. In fact, when you talk about him here in many ways you are light years ahead of me...you see him and the affair for what they were...and I can tell you are ready to do more to move on further.

 

I know it is hard to say goodbye. However that is what you have been doing for months now. Saying goodbye at a maddening tortorous pace...second by second....allowing the wound to fester as you slowly rip off the band aid.

 

Look...I know how much it hurts to think..."I may never hear from him again." Of course...we all get that. However, how good would it feel to wake up and not think.."will I hear from him today?" Hopw about waking up and going to bed and he never even crosses your mind...that's even better.

 

Is it possible? Sure. There are no promises...except this...maintaing contact...keeping yourself in this position to wait for him to send you an email...this will certainly never lead to you being healed...and it will interfere with your efforts to restore your marriage.

 

NTH...you are stronger than you think. You can do this. I believe in you. We all do.

[NowhereToHide]

NWTH -----

 

END IT.

 

Stop waiting for an email. Stop watching to see if you get one.

 

ENOUGH.

 

It is the past. Put it there and keep it there.

 

Focus on the future. Focus on what you really WANT from this point forward.

 

Do you want your marriage? Honestly - do you want it? Don't give me any crap about staying for kids or because of history, blah blah.

 

Give me your answer from your gut?

 

If the answer is yes, then do whatever you possibly can do to rid yourself of the past.

 

YOU CANNOT MOVE FORWARD if you keep the past in front of you.

 

((hug))

 

I know you can do it -- but do you have what it takes to do it?

 

Thank you, Fooled. You always know how to knock some sense into me.

 

You are right... about everything.

 

And my answer from my gut is this... I am committed to working on my marriage to see if it can be restored to a place that works. And I can't move forward with that with him at all around.

 

I will send the email. Thank you.

[fooled once]

Be straightforward and blunt.

 

Do NOT contact me anymore.

 

that's it. Don't say please. Don't elaborate.

 

Just blunt and be done.

 

Now............ thank you for answering my question.

 

I have another one

 

Why are you committed to working on your marriage?

 

 

((hug)) thank you for not getting defensive or at my response -- you know where it is coming from. ((hug))

[NowhereToHide]

Be straightforward and blunt.

 

Do NOT contact me anymore.

 

that's it. Don't say please. Don't elaborate.

 

Just blunt and be done.

 

Now............ thank you for answering my question.

 

I have another one

 

Why are you committed to working on your marriage?

 

 

((hug)) thank you for not getting defensive or at my response -- you know where it is coming from. ((hug))

 

Oh Fooled... I could never get defensive with you. I know where your heart is and has always been. You've given me some amazing advice during this hard time. I have appreciated it more than you will ever know.

 

I am committed to working on my marriage because I do love my husband. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure what he is capable of since I have never asked. I am changing so much right now. It wouldn't be fair for me to leave without giving him the chance to move forward with me. We've grown apart for a lot of years. He isn't terribly unhappy, and that worries me (I think he should be). I need to give MC a shot to see if he is willing (and even capable) of making this work -- of making our marriage a place that is fulfilling and inspiring for both of us.

 

I have made strides in IC. I'm recognizing a lot in myself that I was unaware of before my A. I also recognize that it was just a symptom of a lot of other things in my life. So, I owe it to him and my kids to try like hell to see if this can work.

[datura_noir]

It's too bad your MM was not like my husband; he decided to say goodbye to his OW for ten days, including a two day romp at a tropical beach in an expensive resort. He really knows how to go out with a bang!

 

Seriously, letting go is a tough thing to do. I've experienced it at different times with exes, and when I look back, it always seems like I could have been soooo much stronger and better at it than I was at the time. I kept thinking of things I should have said or done. Shoulda coulda woulda....

 

Maybe if you jot down your thoughts and keep it simple, and try, TRY to keep your logical head about you. It's hard when emotions are involved, but you will have the upper hand. Be the sensible and graceful girl.

[ladydesigner]

Lady, you have always sounded so much like me in your posts. And I totally agree with everything you've just said.

 

He isn't a friend. He's not really anything anymore. He's someone who I exchange an email with a couple times a month now.

 

Every single part of our relationship was on his terms. I guess I would like to salvage some dignity and end it on my own terms. For whatever reason, I've never had good instincts when it came to him. Even now.

 

NWTH you can do it. We are all here for you to get you through this time. it is very hard. You have also given me such great advice and responses...I thank you for that.

 

Hang in there sweetie, it will eventually get easier and easier to move on and let go of him. You can end it on your own terms and it really is quite therapeutic to do it.

 

Good Luck...keep us posted.

 

(((hugs to you during this tough time)))

[Spoiled]

So... I've tried going NC a few times. It hasn't stuck.

 

I know I need to say goodbye. It's time. I need to move on once and for all without the ghost of him in my life and in my marriage.

 

I don't want him. He offers me nothing. Even as a "friend" he sucks.

 

He sent me an email last week. I responded. And here I am, two days later, with still no response. I'm not hurt, I'm annoyed. And frustrated that I'm still allowing him in my life.

 

I know that if I send him an email asking him to not contact me, he will honor it, and I will never hear from him again. Which is probably why I haven't done it. The finality of it is something I guess I'm struggling with.

 

You guys are great at putting things in perspective.... I need to hear it.

 

NTH, I know your pain, this was the roughest stage for me and took several attempts in order for me to be successful. It's been almost 14 weeks NC, YOU can do it too.

 

I got tired of torturing myself: waiting for the emails, the calls, not sleeping, etc. One day, I decided to ask my xMM all questions I wanted answers too and we had a long and honest discussion. Two days later, I sent a short email thanking him for the discussion about our thoughts and feelings. But that I had decided to end all communication from that point. And deleted the account to keep him from responding or me taking the words back. It hurt terribly and I cried for days but it was the only way to rid my mind of the confusion and "frustration."

 

It is difficult letting go because you may see it as a trade off. Letting go of someone who meets some of your needs for a M in which you were already unhappy. Be honest in regards to what you desire from your H and give him a fair chance to fulfill those needs.

[Fallen Angel]

There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~ Winnie The Pooh

 

That is one smart bear, he knows you... better than you know yourself. WE all see these things about you, when YOU see them, you will send the letter. ((HUGS))