gennydog Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I'm hoping to get some advice/insight from others who have btdt. I have been separated from my husband for the last 6 months. At the beginning of October went to the beach with my friend who was visiting from another state. The last thing on my mind was falling for a man, but that's what happened. He and a group of his friends were staying at the same hotel. We met him and some of the others out at a local bar Friday night, and he and I ended up walking on the beach and talking until 4am. Same thing Saturday night, except we hung out and had dinner with them as well. He never tried anything sexual - we kissed and fell asleep in each others arms both nights, fully clothed. I was lead to believe that he was "available" and he did say that he and his ex had been apart for years. We exchanged phone numbers before going home and he calls me at least every 2-3 days. He told me right off that there was something he needed to tell me, but he wanted to do it in person. After a couple of weeks of calls, I suspected what it was... Due to various circumstances on both ends and the fact that we live two hours apart, we didn't see each other again for more than 3 weeks. He told me that he and his wife still live togther, though he is home as little as possible and they haven't slept together in 6 years. They constantly argue (she's a screamer). Three years ago they filed a separation agreement and he moved out, but he ended up coming back to help with his daughter. She (his daughter) and the financial loss he would suffer have kept him from going through with the divorce. He says their marriage has never been good, they were talking divorce when she became pregnant 9 years ago and so he stayed. Now he's realizing what it's like to be happy with someone and the "stuff" he would lose isn't as important. Here's my dilemma: I won't continue dating a married man. If he decides to go through a separation/divorce, I don't want to to be for me, but because it's the best thing for himself. We hardly know each other and while I think he is an incredible man, I don't know if this will end up going anywhere or not (once he is truly available, that is). But I do have strong feelings for him. Ugh! Advice? Genny Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Before you even consider ANYTHING with this supposed 'separated man living at home with his wife and kid', you need to take of your own situation. When you and your H separated, what were the terms? Space, time for working things out, to get back together? Or separation heading to divorce? Do you have children? How often do you and your H talk? Anyway, this guy is still married and living with his wife. I don't believe for one minute he hasn't had sex with his wife in 6 years, nor do I believe everything else he's told you. Honestly, people who are in a marriage and it's not working DO DIVORCE, reguardless of kids or not. Let him divorce and be on his own for a while before you consider dating him.. And you need to divorce too, that way neither of you have spouses to cheat on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gennydog Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 My separation is headed for divorce. I have a 24-yo step daughter, but we have no kids together. In the state where I live you have to be separated for 1 year before you can divorce, so we're just waiting for another 6 months to pass. If he were to become legally separated again I would probably date him. I know some people say that separated is still married, but in our state the separation agreement includes the language "From and after the date of this Agreement, it shall be lawful for Husband and Wife to live separate and apart, each from the other, as fully, completely and in the same manner and to the same extent as though they had never been married." Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Genny, there are a lot of posters here on this forum who have had relationships with separated men. WildSoul doesn't post much anymore but you could search her story. A few others that are here now that will probably chime in. From what people say here it seems that dating separated men is almost as bad as dating married men because they tend to be wishy washy. Also, please note, that separated and living together, is the MO of MANY MM who travel. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Here's my dilemma: I won't continue dating a married man. If he decides to go through a separation/divorce, I don't want to to be for me, but because it's the best thing for himself. We hardly know each other and while I think he is an incredible man, I don't know if this will end up going anywhere or not (once he is truly available, that is). But I do have strong feelings for him. Ugh! Advice? Genny I think you have the right mindset and really don't need advice. You already said what i would have said to you. Its not your fault if this guy led you to believe that he was "available". and you already said you won't continue dating a married man. i think you have your head screwed on right and you are someone that knows that which is the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I'm hoping to get some advice/insight from others who have btdt. I have been separated from my husband for the last 6 months. At the beginning of October went to the beach with my friend who was visiting from another state. The last thing on my mind was falling for a man, but that's what happened. He and a group of his friends were staying at the same hotel. We met him and some of the others out at a local bar Friday night, and he and I ended up walking on the beach and talking until 4am. Same thing Saturday night, except we hung out and had dinner with them as well. He never tried anything sexual - we kissed and fell asleep in each others arms both nights, fully clothed. I was lead to believe that he was "available" and he did say that he and his ex had been apart for years. We exchanged phone numbers before going home and he calls me at least every 2-3 days. He told me right off that there was something he needed to tell me, but he wanted to do it in person. After a couple of weeks of calls, I suspected what it was... Due to various circumstances on both ends and the fact that we live two hours apart, we didn't see each other again for more than 3 weeks. He told me that he and his wife still live togther, though he is home as little as possible and they haven't slept together in 6 years. They constantly argue (she's a screamer). Three years ago they filed a separation agreement and he moved out, but he ended up coming back to help with his daughter. She (his daughter) and the financial loss he would suffer have kept him from going through with the divorce. He says their marriage has never been good, they were talking divorce when she became pregnant 9 years ago and so he stayed. Now he's realizing what it's like to be happy with someone and the "stuff" he would lose isn't as important. Here's my dilemma: I won't continue dating a married man. If he decides to go through a separation/divorce, I don't want to to be for me, but because it's the best thing for himself. We hardly know each other and while I think he is an incredible man, I don't know if this will end up going anywhere or not (once he is truly available, that is). But I do have strong feelings for him. Ugh! Advice? Genny RUN RUN I don't believe half of what he told you. You know NOTHING of him and his wife's relationship. What he tells you tells me that he values his money more than anything -- and is willing to stay with his wife for his money. Talking divorce and she became pregnant? Sex = pregnancy --- so obviously they were doing more than fighting. So if they were having sex then and fighting, I am willing to bet they have had sex within the last 6 months. Funny how you mention his wife is a screamer -- is that because that is what he has told you about her? Why is that important? He says he stays for his daughter, yet tells you he is home as little as possible So if he isn't home, why is he staying for his daughter??? And in most states, you have to live separate and APART in order to be separated, so with him living with his wife, that isn't separate and apart. Leave him alone - stop taking his calls. Tell him if and when he ever becomes DIVORCED to give you a call. If you don't date married men, then don't date him. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 RUN And in most states, you have to live separate and APART in order to be separated, so with him living with his wife, that isn't separate and apart. I recently read some of the divorce laws from my state. They are some of the harshest still on the books. A couple must be LEGALLY separated, living apart without that legal document is not enough, and going back into the maritial home for more than 24hrs makes the separation void. It has to start back over again from day one. If the couple has sexual relations? Starts back at day one, new separation papers needed. One of the marriage partners has a sexual relationship without an INTACT up-to-date separation decree, it is adultery and is punishable by LIFETIME SPOUSAL SUPPORT AWARDED TO BETRAYED SPOUSE AS PUNISHMENT. Perhaps my MM has no idea how he is playing with fire. Maybe if I decide to send him a NO CONTACT letter, I will include the (my state here) divorce laws and a promise to reveal all if contact is made as incentive for him to maintain NC. I am sure the thought of losing not only his family, but almost all of the maritial assets and the thought of lifetime support may help in making no contact the best choice for him.. hmmmmmm. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 you will be shocked how quickly these perfect married people turn out to be frauds. If he wanted to leave his wife he would have done it by now Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 (edited) He saw your vulnerability and is lying to you, and giving you your emotional needs to get into to your pants.....guaranteed. This is book one, chapter one from "men pursuing women 101"...written 10,000 years ago. His marriage is just a minor speedbump to him. By posting here about your dilemna, you sound like an honorable person. Walk away from this poison now while your honor and integrity are still intact. Edited October 31, 2009 by JumpinJimmy Link to post Share on other sites
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