dzzz Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Could your spouse have prevented your affair? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Wow what a question! Yes he could have prevented my A by him not having had his A. My affair was made of revenge (I know a very bad decision on my part and I am paying for it). I think if my self-esteem had not been so rocked by my H's A I would have not been as vulnerable to my XOM. Unfortunately I was vulnerable and XOM saw that in me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dzzz Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 im asking this question because i feel people will cheat regardless of a good or bad marriage and i just need some extra opinions to verify or disprove my own veiw about this topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 When I was married I had two affairs. One was a revenge sexual fling with one of my now xH's friends. We had sex twice in two days, after I found out my now xH had been involved in an affair that started about one week after our wedding and continued well after my son's first birthday, 2 years later. I even found out that the day my son was born, my H went to his OWs house to celebrate the birth of his son. (He left me and his new son in the hospital for 6 days with no contact from him while he was celebrating with his OW) So I thought that what is good for the goose.... It made me feel awful, and I confessed right away and never again had sexual contact of ANY sort (not even a kiss or hand holding) with anyone other than my husband for the next 13 years of my marriage. So ,yes, had he not cheated, I would never have done that, it is just not in my nature. The second affair I had was strictly emotional until after I left my marriage. I was already on my way out the door, one way or another, though until my then EA with my MM I thought my way out would be suicide rather than divorce.(I was planning on taking my life the day that my MM happened to come back into my life after several years without contact.) I had spent 15 years being mentally and physically abused by someone I tried desperately to love, despite the abuse he heaped on me. He supported me neither emotionally, nor finacially. He cheated on me serially. He abused drugs/alcohol and me, all the while proclaiming that he loved me. He refused me physical affection, only having sex with me about 4 times a year, and then only if he wanted it and would force me to screw him doggie style and hide my face from him during the act stating that he couldn't cum if he had to look into my ugly face. So yes, he could have prevented my emotional affair by treating me like I was a human being just once in awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 When I was married I had two affairs. One was a revenge sexual fling with one of my now xH's friends. We had sex twice in two days, after I found out my now xH had been involved in an affair that started about one week after our wedding and continued well after my son's first birthday, 2 years later. I even found out that the day my son was born, my H went to his OWs house to celebrate the birth of his son. (He left me and his new son in the hospital for 6 days with no contact from him while he was celebrating with his OW) So I thought that what is good for the goose.... It made me feel awful, and I confessed right away and never again had sexual contact of ANY sort (not even a kiss or hand holding) with anyone other than my husband for the next 13 years of my marriage. So ,yes, had he not cheated, I would never have done that, it is just not in my nature. The second affair I had was strictly emotional until after I left my marriage. I was already on my way out the door, one way or another, though until my then EA with my MM I thought my way out would be suicide rather than divorce.(I was planning on taking my life the day that my MM happened to come back into my life after several years without contact.) I had spent 15 years being mentally and physically abused by someone I tried desperately to love, despite the abuse he heaped on me. He supported me neither emotionally, nor finacially. He cheated on me serially. He abused drugs/alcohol and me, all the while proclaiming that he loved me. He refused me physical affection, only having sex with me about 4 times a year, and then only if he wanted it and would force me to screw him doggie style and hide my face from him during the act stating that he couldn't cum if he had to look into my ugly face. So yes, he could have prevented my emotional affair by treating me like I was a human being just once in awhile. FA - Your post here is very upsetting. I'm sorry you went thru this. Hope you're in a better place now. I wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent my 47 yr old STBXW from leaving and then starting an A with an 18 yr old child. She was having an EA before she left to date the boy. I had a few issues that I had - but seemingly nothing compared to some of the things going on in other relationships I've read about on LS. I think if the STBXW had talked to me about her MLC and everything going along with it - before it was too late - we could have salvaged the M. But hse never spoke a word about anything and blindsided me. Hmm, Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 im asking this question because i feel people will cheat regardless of a good or bad marriage and i just need some extra opinions to verify or disprove my own veiw about this topic. Some people excuse their cheating on a bad marriage...and some people just like to have sex with a variety of different people for the excitment of it. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 No, I don't think my H could have prevented my affair. The state of my marriage was what it was because both of us had put everything else ahead of "us". We lost sight of each other. So I don't blame him. I take full responsibility. But I do see how vulnerable I was to an affair and still am. That is something I'm working on. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Some people excuse their cheating on a bad marriage...and some people just like to have sex with a variety of different people for the excitment of it. My STBXW did that. By all accounts we had a pretty damn good 7 yr M and 16 yr relationship. Of course the revisionist historian rewrote our history into many years of no love and unhappiness. yikes... Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 No, I don't think my H could have prevented my affair. The state of my marriage was what it was because both of us had put everything else ahead of "us". We lost sight of each other. So I don't blame him. I take full responsibility. But I do see how vulnerable I was to an affair and still am. That is something I'm working on. So, you were vulnerable and then VOILA, prince charming showed up. If no prince charming ever showed up, do you think you would still be home - not necessarily happy, but content enough not to leave alone? Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 No. H could NOT have prevented me from divorcing him. Could he have prevented the affair? No - I don't think so. I had made up my mind, and I don't think anything that he did would have changed that. Well - I don't know. My H and I never ever talked about emotions or anything that was not related to the house or our son. Both of us were extremely guarded and we lived completely separate lives. I was lacking a HUGE emotional connection with another person - the person who was supposed to be with me the rest of my life, to love me unconditionally. He chose other things to keep him occupied. It's on both of us - the failure of our marriage. I do think that the MM I am with - his W could have prevented his affair. He was incredibly lonely - lonelier than I was. They never spent any time together - and still don't. They hardly talk at all. This tears me up at times - because I know that he does NOT want to even try to make his marriage work. I asked him more than once to try this - especially when I started feeling extremely guilty. I don't know .... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I will answer as a possible pre-cheater.... Being in a sexless marriage and not yet in an affair, I can say that yes, if (and it is an if because truthfully there is no one who is compelling enough to have an affair with...) I ever have an affair, it will be directly related to the lack of sex. I think that both types exist...those who want variety and cannot stay faithful even if in a good marriage, and those who choose an affair because of a bad marriage. (And yes, there are those who will never have an affair even if they are abused). Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Yes. By not telling me it was ok and then taking it back and calling me a cheater after he found out I did it. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Go jamesM, go! !!!! give yourself permission to feel better! dammit! Actually it wouldn't be cheating....didn't she say to look for IT somewhere? so there's your permission....ooopps t/j, sorry. My spouse absolutely could have prevented it....I was 19 and crazy in love at D-day...I was 32 when I cheated (well, by then there was no marriage in the traditional sense). BTW, I was kidding, James...! Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I told my H many times I was not happy, but we lost all communication powers, where I just sounded like I was nagging, even to myself. I therefore did not like myself and did not like what I had become with him. Hence MM came along, made me feel me again, made me feel how I used to feel, cliche I know. But very powerful and I am not going to be HER again ever. My H has noticed a massive change in my personality too. NOW he wants to change!!!! Typical, if he had done that first!! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 With this logic, if you are in financial difficulty and your spouse tells you to get out of it "anyway" you can or if they didn't provide the promised financial security, stealing should be the responsibility of the spouse who didn't do their supposed job. I mean why should adults take responsibility for their choices? Why not say someone else can "make us" or not "make us" do something that is a personal choice. Mr. Messy didn't keep me from cheating when I wanted to, that was a persona decision. He didn't make me slap the hell out of him when he called me lazy or a bad mother...that was my choice too. Where can I find of that can of justification for my own actions. I get pretty damn tired of being the fish swimming up stream... Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I told my H many times I was not happy, but we lost all communication powers, where I just sounded like I was nagging, even to myself. I therefore did not like myself and did not like what I had become with him. Hence MM came along, made me feel me again, made me feel how I used to feel, cliche I know. But very powerful and I am not going to be HER again ever. My H has noticed a massive change in my personality too. NOW he wants to change!!!! Typical, if he had done that first!! My STBXW told me one time 2 years she was not happy. (Not fair that she talked to me one time only and then I get the ILYBINILWY line). I tried to improve and BEGGED her two years that if ANYthing was not right to talk to me about it. Well, when I got the speech 63 days ago, needless to say I was totally FLOORED and SHOCKED. I had no idea... (Why didn't she talk to me?) I would have done anything for us! Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 My H could have prevented this.....I told him I was headed for a train wreck & I was a disaster. He worked so much during the first 10 years of my kids life, weight & health problems, his family demands that always was 1st over our family. So in a way, both he & his family could have prevented it with maybe thinking to support ME. He's lost the weight, told his family that we're his number 1 priority, took me on a great trip last month...everything I wanted him to do BEFORE the A. But, I can't just blame him, I'd had some significant deaths occur the past few years & I just didn't know up from down. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 My H could have prevented this.....I told him I was headed for a train wreck & I was a disaster. He worked so much during the first 10 years of my kids life, weight & health problems, his family demands that always was 1st over our family. So in a way, both he & his family could have prevented it with maybe thinking to support ME. He's lost the weight, told his family that we're his number 1 priority, took me on a great trip last month...everything I wanted him to do BEFORE the A. But, I can't just blame him, I'd had some significant deaths occur the past few years & I just didn't know up from down. Did he find out about the A? did either of you leave - threaten / consider D? Are you tow OK now??? Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 i dont know. im not one of those who believes the whole spiel that affairs are because somethings missing. but i guess if i was fulfilled there wouldnt have been any room for someone else. the problem was with me, not my H or my M. so no, i guess he couldnt have done anything. sorta sad. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 So, you were vulnerable and then VOILA, prince charming showed up. If no prince charming ever showed up, do you think you would still be home - not necessarily happy, but content enough not to leave alone? No, prince charming certainly didn't show up. I'm pretty sure that I would have had an affair regardless. It wasn't him. It wasn't my H. IT WAS ME. It had everything to do with what was missing with me, and very little to do with what my xAP offered me or what my H "wasn't doing". Link to post Share on other sites
outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 *Staying in marriage counseling *listening to me when I told him directly... I need you, I need to talk with you, I need to touch you and be touched by you. I need to connect with you. I need to feel loved by you. And after my affair had started, he may have been able to stop it in the beginning by paying attention. Looking back I think he was relieved I had stopped bothering him about counseling, his addictions, and "my feelings". A month into my affair there was no way he could have stopped it. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 No, prince charming certainly didn't show up. I'm pretty sure that I would have had an affair regardless. It wasn't him. It wasn't my H. IT WAS ME. It had everything to do with what was missing with me, and very little to do with what my xAP offered me or what my H "wasn't doing". Ok fair enough - but you imply that you would have an A anyway. So, I suppose, my question should ask - What if no one ever came along as a suitable AP - would have just stayed in the M? Or would you have left to live alone? I think if there were no APs that many cheaters / leavers would stay in the M and eventually resign themselves to fixing the M - it takes two. Maybe what was missing with you could have been found with your BS?????? The best of Ms have ups and downs. It is during these downs that vulnerability surfaces and that APs look like the "way out" - the ticket to happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Ok fair enough - but you imply that you would have an A anyway. So, I suppose, my question should ask - What if no one ever came along as a suitable AP - would have just stayed in the M? Or would you have left to live alone? I think if there were no APs that many cheaters / leavers would stay in the M and eventually resign themselves to fixing the M - it takes two. Maybe what was missing with you could have been found with your BS?????? The best of Ms have ups and downs. It is during these downs that vulnerability surfaces and that APs look like the "way out" - the ticket to happiness. Hmmm... interesting question. I really don't know what I would have done. I know now how vulnerable I was at the time. If a "suitable" AP hadn't come along? I guess I would assume that the ***** would have hit the fan in my marriage eventually and I would have been forced to make a choice to either stay or leave. My H and I were having talks about separation before my A. So, we probably would have ended up separating but also trying counseling as a "last effort". I still stand by the statement that my H wasn't to blame for my A. But, if I think about it, if he had come to me and told me how much he loved me and wanted our marriage to be better and said he was willing to put in the effort? Then, there's a possibility I would have been in a different place when I met my xAP. I guess we'll never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 im asking this question because i feel people will cheat regardless of a good or bad marriage and i just need some extra opinions to verify or disprove my own veiw about this topic. Some people like me where pushed very hard into it. I still had a choice and failed to do the right thing. I think some guys will cheat no matter what because they either feel entitled to it, or are broken on the inside. That's not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Ok fair enough - but you imply that you would have an A anyway. So, I suppose, my question should ask - What if no one ever came along as a suitable AP - would have just stayed in the M? Or would you have left to live alone? I think if there were no APs that many cheaters / leavers would stay in the M and eventually resign themselves to fixing the M - it takes two. Maybe what was missing with you could have been found with your BS?????? The best of Ms have ups and downs. It is during these downs that vulnerability surfaces and that APs look like the "way out" - the ticket to happiness. That has to be the biggest gripe I have with the opposite sex. Why is it that no woman ever seems happy with her relationship? It's like there is a genetic requirement to bitch, complain, and be unhappy. On that note... When I hear stuff like "I told him so many times I was unhappy", typically that means she tried several forms of non-verbal communication, and approached the topic tangentially on one or two occasions. Seriously... how is a guy supposed to distinguish the serious complaints from the cacophony of constant bitching? Link to post Share on other sites
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