what is an emotional affair

[candoit]

can anyone discribe an emotional affair

[NowhereToHide]

can anyone discribe an emotional affair

 

 

If you are doing or saying anything with someone that you wouldn't do or say in front of your spouse.

[carhill]

Our psychologist widened the scope to include any association of an emotional type which was separate from and/or prioritized over one's primary committed relationship, and coined the phrase 'inappropriate emotional attachment'. This could be a person or an activity, such as work.

 

Such persons and/or activities could be disclosed or undisclosed. In other words, it could still be inappropriate even if conducted in full view of the spouse or partner, simply because the feelings are what make it inappropriate, not the mere actions and/or behaviors.

 

Is there anything specific you wish to discuss about the dynamic?

[delajoonal]

Emotional Affairs....

Can't remember where i got this article? But thought it would help some of us dealing with this issue.(Hope admin doesn't claim plagiarism, as i think this can really benefit alot of us her.) thankx.

 

p.s.It helped me see play by play what happened..even tho it is too late for me and my H, maybe someone can catch their marriage BEFORE it is too late for them

 

 

Emotional Affairs: More dangerous then Physical Affairs??

 

The end result of an emotional affair is that the unfaithful spouse is paying more emotional attention to someone other than their partner, and they are removing themselves from the commitment they made to their marriage.

It is much more dangerous for a marriage should your spouse connect with someone emotionally than physically. Anyone who finds himself or herself drawn to another person on an emotional level should consider the possible consequences of such an affair. Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce and physical affairs.

While it is healthy and normal for people to have friendships outside the marriage with men and women, an emotional affair threatens the emotional bond between spouses. Friendships are based on attraction, in that we are drawn to various qualities of our friends. Healthy friendships and attractions don't need to threaten a marriage at all, but add richness and enjoyment to life. When an attraction turns into an obsession or into an affair, it can become harmful to everyone involved and nothing is more harmful to a marriage than the breakdown of the emotional bond marital partners have for each other.

 

There are differing types of divorce and each one has it's own emotional and psychological intensity. There is the bilateral agreement divorce where both spouses are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. In a divorce like this, the couple is often able to come to a mutual agreement, settle their affairs amicably, and stay connected as friends with little emotional upset.

Trouble Ahead:

Then there is the unilateral divorce where one spouse makes the decision to divorce to the utter shock of the other spouse. This type of divorce means more emotional and psychological intensity for the spouse who was unaware of the problems in the marriage.

The one choosing to leave has had time to think about, reflect upon and weigh the options and to emotionally detach themselves from the marriage. The other spouse, who is caught by surprise, is normally mistreated and left to feel abandoned. There is a huge imbalance of power with the one leaving being the one in control of most aspects of whether or not the marriage will continue.

Enter The Third Party:

Add to this a third party and the issue of an affair and the emotional intensity is compounded. Not only will the left behind spouse feel abandoned but he/she will also feel replaced by someone better, younger, more attractive. The pain in this type of divorce comes from losing a position of importance in the life of your spouse, from beliefs about immorality, betrayal and feelings of failure as a spouse.

When a third party enters a marriage, certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the cheating spouse. Their thinking becomes skewed in order to justify their their behavior. Denial of any wrong doing means shifting the blame and usually it all gets dumped onto the faithful spouse.

Normally a spouse who falls prey to an affair is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions, they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt.

The Blame Game:

These feelings of guilt motivate them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their affair. They will accuse their spouse of many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse is portrayed as an inadequate partner, which left the cheating spouse no choice but to find an adequate replacement.

Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history is rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been inadequate for the entire duration of the marriage. The cheating spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage.

They may say things such as, "I was forced into marrying you" or, "You've never loved me the way I needed to be loved" or, "I have lived in hell for 20 years." He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning their spouse.

You Pay for Their Bad Behavior:

The cheating spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves punishment. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly.

Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.

Shocked and Awed:

The faithful spouse will question their own sanity and replay their marriage in their mind trying to find some hint of all the unhappiness they are told of by the unfaithful spouse. They will question how their spouse, someone they have loved and trusted could betray them in such a way. First to have an affair and then to rewrite the history of their marriage in such a way as to try and lay blame at their feet.

The faithful spouse will wonder how their spouse could blame them for having to have an affair and how they could defame their character after many years of being given love, respect and trust. They will wonder how their spouse cannot see how their words and blaming does damage to the children by depicting their mother/father in a bad light.

The faithful spouse will question his/her own memory of what they thought was a happy marriage. He/She will wonder if the marriage was never anything but a sham and a figment of their imagination. They will wonder why the unfaithful spouse never complained if they were unhappy or why they never made a request for changes in the relationship.

Being punished for your spouse's cheating is an overwhelming state in which to find yourself. Recovery from the stress of such a profound emotional trauma is slow. If you have found yourself in such a situation, remember, with time comes healing and understanding. You will laugh again, love again and the sun will shine again. All you have to do is trust your memories, never forget that the insanity caused by an affair is not your fault and that you are not alone because in today's society cheating is the number one reason for divorce.

 

 

 

 

 

1. "I'm not in love with you anymore."

 

If you hear these words, a big warning bell should go off. This is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. It is often said by a spouse going through midlife crisis also. Your spouse may have a deep, loving bond with you but, intense feelings of passion can override the bond with you and cause your spouse to loose sight of his/her true feelings. The cheating spouse will develop what I call hormone - induced amnesia. The surging hormones and passion they feel in their new relationship can cause some much-skewed thinking.

 

This is what I feel happens in many relationships that fall victim to infidelity. The spouse who strays has spent years investing time, emotion and energy in the marriage. They may feel that no matter what they do, they cannot or, are not getting what they feel they need from the relationship. They lack the skills to do something different, something that might work in their favor and finally get them what they need from the relationship. They get stuck in a negative place.

People who are stuck can see no way out, they view their problems as permanent and many times think the only way to get unstuck is to turn to someone else. A new relationship is a great way to distract themselves from the problems in a marriage. You are suddenly unstuck and enjoying the lust and passion that comes with a newfound relationship. All of a sudden, they are getting every thing they need from another man or woman. After years of not getting their needs met in the marriage this can be a huge relief.

If you are reading this article and are someone who has found relief in a relationship with someone other than your spouse, I have something I want you to do. Before you destroy your marriage by leaving for another person, I want you to think about what you are really feeling. Don’t use the new relationship as a distraction to keep you from being honest with yourself and your spouse. If you are a cheating spouse make sure that one of the problems below is not causing you to throw your marriage away just to keep from having to deal with them open and honestly. Do you feel your spouse is…

*Controlling

*Dismissive of your feelings.

*Is financially irresponsible

*Not spending enough time with the family.

*Rejecting you sexually.

*Working too much.

*Not working with you as a couple to make the marriage better.

 

Whatever you feel the problems are in the marriage you owe it to yourself and your spouse to get honest with him/her. It may not be easy, it may be painful for your spouse but it is the only way to solve problems because the “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” statement is a sign that something is wrong in the marriage. You may find that, after you open up to your spouse that you are playing a role in your own unhappiness.

If you are reading this article and your spouse has said, I love you but I’m not in love with you, then view it as an opportunity to open up to your spouse about how you feel in the relationship. When hearing such a statement it is easy to become panicked, to go on the defensive and react in a negative way. You need to not only say what is on your mind but to also listen to what your spouse has to say.

It is important for both spouses to try to see it from the perspective of the other spouse. You may think you’ve been an outstanding wife or husband. Your spouse may have another opinion. If you are willing to listen openly, you may find that you have fallen short. That there are things your spouse needs from you that you have not given.

The only way to know if the “I love you but I’m not in love with you statement,” is coming from someone who is stuck or someone who truly is no longer in love is to be willing to explore the problems in the marriage and take responsibility for your part in the problems. If, after doing this, the marriage still fails you can both move on knowing you tried to work through the problems. You will have both grown and learned from the situation and hopefully won’t take the same issues into a new relationship.

 

2. "We are just friends."

This is also another very predictable statement that will come from a cheating spouse. If your spouse is spending more and more time with this new “friend” then there is probably more to it than mere friendship. Your spouse may feel they have a lot in common with this person, that this person understands them and things they are going through. Whatever the reasons for the friendship, it’s a big warning sign and one you should take seriously.

When does friendship cross the line and become more than “just friends?”

 

*When you discuss your marital problems with your friend.

*When you keep your relationship with your friend a secret.

*When you begin to feel an attraction toward your friend.

*When you turn to your friend with a problem instead of your wife.

*When you exclude your wife from your relationship with your friend.

*When you would rather spend time with your friend than your spouse.

*When you think your friend understands you better than your spouse.

 

If you are reading this article, you are an adult, more than likely. If so, you have the common sense to know when a friendship has crossed the line and becomes more than “just friends.” You may be able to deny it to yourself but your spouse will be able to sense that there is a problem.

 

If you have friendships with members of the opposite sex and want to put your spouse at ease about those friendships then make sure your spouse is a part of the relationships. It may sound antiquated but, when married, friendships should be shared. They should involve you and your spouse both. If for some reason you don’t feel a need to make your spouse a part of the friendship you need to question what your true objective is for maintaining the friendship.

 

 

3. A sudden need for privacy.

If things the two of you used to share openly suddenly become private pay attention cause something is probably up. He/she may start password protecting computer activity. Cell phone and credit card bills may be hidden. If you ask why or attempt to find out information that used to be common knowledge between the two of you, you will be accused of snooping or trying to control your spouse. Big warning sign!

 

4. “I need some space to figure my feelings for you.”

Men and women who are involved with someone else will request more space, time alone or away from the family. They may say it is due to confusion over their feelings or stress at work. This can be a sign that there is someone else and the spouse is trying to figure out ways to have more freedom.

5. Regular work habits change.

Working late, going to work at odd hours or, putting in more time than is normal on work related issues can be indications that a spouse is cheating.

 

6. Spending a large amount of time on the computer.

In today’s world, with modern technology, a person looking for an affair doesn’t even have to leave their home. The ease of internet chat rooms, online dating sites and secret email accounts has caused an alarming increase in emotional affairs.

If your spouse is online more than usual, hanging out in chat rooms and visiting pornographic websites then you have reason to be alarmed.

 

7. Secretive phone calls and more time spent on the phone.

Emotional affairs occur primarily via the phone, especially cell phones. If you find your spouse hanging up suddenly when you enter the room or erasing the history on the cell phone and becoming defensive when asked about it, then you might want to check your phone records.

 

8. Behavior that just doesn’t add up.

Not being where he/she was expected to be. Missing time they can’t explain. Money that isn’t accounted for. Receipts for things you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.

 

9. Your Own fears and suspicions

If you find yourself looking for excuses for your spouse's behavior or trying to convince yourself that they would never cheat then that is a warning sign. Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then talk to him/her about what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become excellent liars. People who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut instinct but get hard, cold proof also.

__________________

Hugs, Dela

[kirby]

I guess i'm in the prime position to respond to the question - what is an emotional affair?

 

After much denial on the subject, I now know I am in the midst of one.

 

What began as mutual attraction, led to meetings and private conversations, resulting in attachment that has grown beyond friendship.

 

My definition would be the following: a relationship between two mutually attracted people who share intimate moments and personal thoughts without their spouse(s) knowledge.

[LucreziaBorgia]

An emotional affair is the part leading up to the sex.

[carhill]

Guess I'm a bit slow, with the EA part lasting 25 years

 

Seriously, it's entirely possible and even probable that inappropriate attachments can happen without sex. This is what our psychologist talked about with same-sex friendships which became prioritized over the marriage. Also, in cross-gender attachments, one party or the other (or both) can draw the boundary at sex, believe that is 'crossing the line' and the sex part never happens but the emotional part remains.