justwantlove Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) Tonight it hurts me not talking to you. You've been on your messenger for hours today.I feel like your calling me and I really don't want to make you wait . I keep clicking and playing with your name.I'm so glad i thought of witting you draft's, but never sending them. I think itll be somewhat theraputic for me.It'll clear out all these thoughts locked up in my head with no where to go. I need all the room up there i can get right now. I have a lot of little things i need to get done and focus my energy on. You wrote me an emailing asking if i was avoiding you? tr.v. a·void·ed, a·void·ing, a·voids 1. To stay clear of; shun. See Synonyms at escape. 2. To keep from happening: avoid illness with rest and a balanced diet. 3. Law To annul or make void; invalidate. 4. Obsolete To void or expel. To shun and invalidate, make obsolete? Never would i do this. ab·stain ab·stained, ab·stain·ing, ab·stains 1. To refrain from something by one's own choice. 2.Hold back from doing Its more like abstaining, avoid sounds so painful. My favorite synonyms of absatin are " Deny oneself & Do without." I was kinda trying to prepare you for this while we were in Vegas . I wasn't sure when it was going to happen just that eventually it would. When you dropped me at xxx i told her "theres no way im gonna stop seeing him right now, i know i cant. I love him too much to worry about all the consequences and the guilt." I was so determined i was gonna make it work. Being in vegas had such a strong effect on me. Im sorry but i wont and cant allow you to become some huge Sin in my life. I love you to much to let this happen to us. I want god to always shine down on me and my relationships. I feel like im far from that because im do make mistakes and sin's, but i dont want God to frown on us. If were ment to be then itll be blesses while we do it. I dont want to lose respect for myself or for you and i know it will happen if we continue. I don't want our love to be tainted in anyway, and I think we may have already put a small smudge in it. Im sure we can clean it up though if we ever get the chance. Im not giving up on us, in fact ill be fighting harder than ever. We both know and understand that we have loose ends to tie up and baggage to unload. My plan is to get the R/O, custody, child support, and school taken care of before i contact you again. I dont know how long its all gonna take but i know ill be doing it as fast as i can so i can send you an update and see what your up too. This is me giving us the space we need to take care of our business and for me to grow up a little more. Now that we wont be talking are you gonna give xxx 100%? I think you'll try and i hope that you do. But i will not be hoping for it to work out for you! I know its selfish but its the truth and lying about it would be childish. I cant help the way i feel.All the things you've said have left me to believe you'll come back to me single and divorced What i hope your doing is getting the situation with xxx taken care of and helping xxx get prepared for a life as a single mother. You just logged out of Aim and my heart sank when i heard the door. You might never read these letters, i dont know, but its the only way i can keep the connection. im not even sure if i know what theat means completly. I do love you x x x, with all of my heart. I hope you love me the same. Edited October 20, 2009 by justwantlove Link to post Share on other sites
MizFit Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I've done the same thing...I've broken things off so many times in my draft file. I've written a hundred letters pouring my heart out...I've been as weak as I could possibly be. It has made me feel better and I hope it does the same for you. Writing is tremendously cathartic. Some people do it here where there is an audience and much support...some do it in the privacy of their own email folders. The trick is to find what works for you...write as though he will never see them. What you write is for YOU, not for him. Best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 JWL, Your pain is so evident in that letter. I agree that writing is helpful. Keep writing. You will start to find your strength again. (((HUGS))) Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Wow!! I could have almost written that letter / post .. to a T several months ago. I let my marriage, had to get a R/O and had the child custody, etc. I will say that mine and my child's life is better today for it. There were MANY problems with XHusband drinking, etc. Our life is much more stable now. I do hope yours will be as well. I had many many MANY times sent letters to MM but I always wanted him back. I know what it feels like to wait for him on IM too. (huge huge HUGE hugs to you) Link to post Share on other sites
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