NC is making things worse...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im sure i'll get a lot of "things will get worse before they get better" comments but right now i just cant handle the NC. i keep waiting for him to call or text or email or just something. something to let me know that hes thinkng of me. and its not happening.

 

so ive fallen apart. i look terrible, feel terrible. cant care for myself or my children. i just cry all day long and it seems to be getting worse. the little bit of sleep i do get is filled with dreams (actually nightmares) of him. the longer it goes the worse it seems to get.

 

and my H. the one im supposed to be working on it with. im such a train wreck that he cant even look at me. hes frustrated and disappointed. and i cant do the work i need to do to get him back. so i sit and i cry and it makes things worse with him.

 

it all just seems so terrible and i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. if the MM would have at least said goodbye, told me we wouldnt talk anymore, told me he loved me or something. its was just suddenly cut off and i cant take it.

 

it still seems to be getting worse and worse.

[NoneoftheAbove]

Im sorry i feel your pain. You would do anything just to make them come back to you, however we cant make them love us or make them come back. Trust me, sun will shine again if you just hang in there a bit more you will feel the warmth of the sunshine on your face again. Right now the light seems pretty far away in that tunnel, don't lose your faith and hang in there. Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows will fall behind you.

[rlt09]

I have tried NC a few times and broke it precisely because of the same suffering you are experiencing. For some people, it can take several attempts before NC sticks. I'm still trying. It might be ok for you to contact him, but realize that it could make you feel worse. My MM is a pretty sensitive guy so it always works out ok. But, while I was feeling that way, if he said anything to further discourage me - it would have put me over the edge. Also, there was no D-day, so there were no worries about the BS discovering and/or interfering with the continued contact.

 

Once I do hear from him, I feel better instantly and get the boost I needed to carry on with my day. But I do not fool myself into thinking the situation has improved. It's almost as though I need him to comfort me through the process of letting go.

 

One way or the other - you will get through this. It just takes time.

[sacrificed]

I haven't posted for a long time, but I had to respond to this. I went through the same thing in August. My last contact was a text cancelling a "date." I went 5 weeks without hearing anything, no texts, no calls, nothing.

 

I felt the same way as you do. I just wanted an answer, I felt like i had so many things left unsaid. I wanted to know that he was thinking about me, was this as hard for him? and mostly "WTH happened?" Long story short, I did get my answers eventually (but that is for another post.)

 

Please know that towards the end of the 5 weeks, I was getting better. I was having entire days that I didn't cry. whole hours where my cell phone was actually out of reach! I felt a small victory each day that went by and I didn't pick up the phone and call or text. Eventually I even changed my thinking to "I am choosing not to make contact" instead of "Why do I matter so little that he is not contacting me?" I took some of my power back. and it felt good.

 

I was right where you are. the first few days I was a mess. I even asked my husband to have me committed, I felt so crazy inside. (i have suffered from depression all of my life, and he thought this was just a spell.) No one but a few friends knew what was going on and they were my lifeline. They helped me put it in perspective. If losing the MOW felt this bad, how bad would I feel to lose everything else in my life? that helped eventually.

 

It is so very hard to let go. Please take care of yourself and your family. That is exactly what he is doing. He is taking care of his life. I do not say this next part to give you hope but in all honesty, I am sure this is hard for him as well. But when it comes down to it we all have to take care of ourselves. Instead of feeling like he has moved on and abandoned you (this is how I felt anyways,) turn it around. You have a life that needs tending to. Even if your heart isn't in it yet, it will be, I promise! Fake it until you make it. The first few weeks I felt like a robot, just doing things like running errands, small things at first.

 

It sounds so cliche to say it will get better and you will move on. But I have found that the affairs themselves are full of cliches so the recovery will be too, I guess. Take care of yourself, let your husband help, and be there for your children, they need you.

[jennie-jennie]

Fill me in a bit. Why are you NC? Who initiated it, you or MM? If it was you, what was your motivation?

 

I was right where you were a couple of weeks ago. My MM wanted to work on his marriage, so we went NC. I broke NC already the first day, but MM was determined, so I just had to bite the sour apple and continue on. I was devastated. NC was hell. I could not understand how he was able to not contact me.

 

On the sixth day of NC MM sent me an SMS. He was going through the same hell as I, and had not at all been able to work on his marriage. He wanted us to break NC and I agreed.

 

Has anything changed? Well, not much. What has changed is that MM has realized that he is not able to work on his marriage as long as I am such a major part of his emotional life. He used to say he loved his wife and that he wanted to work on his marriage. He stopped saying this. He says he has realized those are not valid arguments anymore. Alas, he has other arguments now to why he can not make a decision, yet.

 

To be in love with someone who loves you back and go NC is pure hell. It should not be tried unless one is certain one wants to end the relationship forever in my opinon.

 

If it was MM who initiated NC, try to endure. It will feel so much better for you if he is the one who breaks NC and not you. In any case you need to respect his wish if he is the one who has asked for NC.

 

I know the pain you are going through now. I send you my sympathy.

[jwi71]

And what do YOU hope to accomplish by contacting him again?

What do you hope to hear?

Why do you want to continue the A?

What is it that ONLY he can provide?

 

You have already risked SO much and through whatever grace, your H accepted you back. It is NOT a limitless well of forgiveness, tolerance and understanding.

 

Have you opened up about this to your friends and family? Have you turned to them?

How about IC and MC? Your H?

 

Who is helping you and lets face it, anonymous posters on LS is NOT the same as crying on your best friend's/mother's/sister's shoulder. Don;t try to heal this on your own...you can't.

 

Reach out to the people around you. That includes your H.

[anne1707]

If you want to make things work with your H then you are going to have to stop focussing on the MM. Whatever pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to what your H feels. Believe me I know this - I put my H through the same thing.

 

Your choice is simple. If you cannot do NC then you leave your H rather than dragging him through yet more pain.

[fooled once]

If you want to make things work with your H then you are going to have to stop focussing on the MM. Whatever pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to what your H feels. Believe me I know this - I put my H through the same thing.

 

Your choice is simple. If you cannot do NC then you leave your H rather than dragging him through yet more pain.

 

Excellent advice.

 

beg - you really need to realize that your H is only going to put up with so much before he throws in the towel, and takes your kids with him.

 

Is this MM worth losing your kids over?

 

You will survive. You aren't going to die if you never hear from him again. Life goes on. You survived before him, you will survive after him.

 

You have got to pull yourself together. He ended an affair; he didn't die and nor will you.

 

He chose to work on his marriage. He chose to give his wife his full attention.

 

It is time for you to give your H and your marriage your full attention.

 

If you can't do that, then tell you H and let him move on with his life. It isn't fair at all to him that you are crying all day over another man.

 

Get up, wash your face and get on with your life.

[NoIDidn't]

Better to go through this pain now and get it over with in a sense, than to do what I feel JJ's MM is doing - buying time but continuing the one thing both said they didn't want.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, but it will get better if you re-focus your thoughts onto the things that you need to get done right now.

 

Your children, of all people, need you the most. This grown man, this MM, can wait behind their needs. And I'm not chastising you, I'm just being straight with you. I remember my d-days and all the crying I did while my children looked on bewildered. Their needs didn't stop, so I needed to pull myself together to take care of them (all under the age of 5 at the time).

 

I know what its like to be in so much pain that you can't function. If things get much worse, you may need to see your doctor and a good therapist to help you get through with medication. But remember your kids most of all. Your H is an adult. He may not like what you are going through, but if he's decided to stay with you, he will have to watch some of this too (but hopefully not for much longer).

 

Hugs, OP.

[jwi71]

 

Is this MM worth losing your kids over?

 

Just a quibble and I typically avoid responding to other posters...but I had to here.

 

You wont EVER lose your kids BEG. That simply isn't on the table. You will always be their mother and they will always love/have feelings for you. It is almost impossibly difficult to drive a wedge in that bond.

 

What you WILL lose is time with them. This is the time when your soon to be xH has them. That's all that will be lost. The memories you won't have.

 

Trust me on that one...I'm living it now.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Thank you for all of the opinions and thoughts.

 

Things are touch and go with my H. We're taking it minute by minute. He's trying to get through the pain and decipher it all. He doesn't know why I'm crying...assumes its because of the mess I've made of my life. I guess it's partially true. I just feel that focusing all of my attention on to him would be the wrong thing to do. It would be trying to fill the void left by the MM. I think I need to heal from that R before I can give my all to my H. If not, it wouldn't be fair to him or our M. Things are ok. I guess thats more than I can ask of him right now.

 

NC. It wasnt my choice. It was the situation. We were busted and have no means of communication. In my mind he still has opportunities to let me know he's thinking of me but he is choosing not to. When he does call its to fill me in on his situation and get the scoop on mine. He still hasn't addressed "us". So I'm in the dark, second guessing it all and missing him.

 

I've talked to one friend about this. she was supportive and just what i needed. but I cannot tell my family the terrible things that I've done.

 

Kids. not afraid here. i'm a good mom and would never lose them. but what i am terrified of is them growing up without our family. i want us to be together for christmas and for holidays. i want them to experience the love in which they were created.

[NowhereToHide]

Thank you for all of the opinions and thoughts.

 

Things are touch and go with my H. We're taking it minute by minute. He's trying to get through the pain and decipher it all. He doesn't know why I'm crying...assumes its because of the mess I've made of my life. I guess it's partially true. I just feel that focusing all of my attention on to him would be the wrong thing to do. It would be trying to fill the void left by the MM. I think I need to heal from that R before I can give my all to my H. If not, it wouldn't be fair to him or our M. Things are ok. I guess thats more than I can ask of him right now.

 

NC. It wasnt my choice. It was the situation. We were busted and have no means of communication. In my mind he still has opportunities to let me know he's thinking of me but he is choosing not to. When he does call its to fill me in on his situation and get the scoop on mine. He still hasn't addressed "us". So I'm in the dark, second guessing it all and missing him.

 

I've talked to one friend about this. she was supportive and just what i needed. but I cannot tell my family the terrible things that I've done.

 

Kids. not afraid here. i'm a good mom and would never lose them. but what i am terrified of is them growing up without our family. i want us to be together for christmas and for holidays. i want them to experience the love in which they were created.

 

 

I guess I disagree with you, only because I was in a similar situation. I DO think throwing yourself into your marriage and your family is exactly what you should do. While my husband doesn't know about the A, he certainly knew something was wrong with me. He was angry, distant and hurt that I fell apart the way I did (with really no clear explanation as to why that made sense).

 

Letting go of my xAP was sheer torture. But I know that what helped me was to start staying PRESENT with my H and my kids. Fantasizing about my xAP, wondering what he was thinking, obsessing about why he didn't love me enough... none of these things were helping. But being with my H, giving him 100% of me, showing him that I value the life we built... all of that has made my marriage so much better.

 

Now is the time to start. Don't keep waiting for the pain to go away. I STILL have pain over him. But I am trying to feel it, get through it and move on. I, too, want my family whole. I want my kids to have us as a family.

 

For me, I've hit a big realization that my life with my xAP would have been horrible. He's recently shown sides of himself that make me question most of what I believed to be true about him. And your MM is gone. He's moved on. Holding on to him is only going to lead to more pain.

 

Try to forget about him. It's a gift to both of you to let go of him for good. Turn toward your husband. You CAN bring that back. Just stay PRESENT.

[Fallen Angel]

I don't have the answers you seek, just know that I care, and I am praying for you, I know you will get through this. keep your chin up, cry when you need to, and accept hugs whenever offered. They help. ((HUG))

[anne1707]

Things are touch and go with my H. We're taking it minute by minute. He's trying to get through the pain and decipher it all. He doesn't know why I'm crying...assumes its because of the mess I've made of my life. I guess it's partially true. I just feel that focusing all of my attention on to him would be the wrong thing to do. It would be trying to fill the void left by the MM. I think I need to heal from that R before I can give my all to my H. If not, it wouldn't be fair to him or our M. Things are ok. I guess thats more than I can ask of him right now.

 

NC. It wasnt my choice. It was the situation. We were busted and have no means of communication. In my mind he still has opportunities to let me know he's thinking of me but he is choosing not to. When he does call its to fill me in on his situation and get the scoop on mine. He still hasn't addressed "us". So I'm in the dark, second guessing it all and missing him.

 

So your H doesn't actually know about the A? My mistake - I assumed that you had been honest with him

 

As for NC not being your choice, this reads to me then that you at least are still in the A (even if the MM is not)

 

 

Letting go of my xAP was sheer torture. But I know that what helped me was to start staying PRESENT with my H and my kids. Fantasizing about my xAP, wondering what he was thinking, obsessing about why he didn't love me enough... none of these things were helping. But being with my H, giving him 100% of me, showing him that I value the life we built... all of that has made my marriage so much better.

 

Exactly!

 

 

BEG

 

Your ex-MM has ended the A so to be blunt you are just going to have to get on with. You are wallowing in self-pity and by doing that you risk losing everything that is real in your life, i.e. your H and your family that you say you love so much. To me, you still want the A - if that is the case then do the only thing you can do and leave your H now. Does not matter whether the ex-MM wants you or not. The fact is that you are not committed to your marriage.

 

If however you really do not want the A then stop thinking about the ex-MM and what he is doing, thinking, feeling etc. It is none of your business what he does. Your business is what YOUR HUSBAND is doing, thinking, feeling etc. I personally recommend complete honesty and you tell your H everything so he can then decide whether he actually wants to remain married to you. And yes this is HIS choice not yours. He needs to decide whether he wants to risk staying with you. If he chooses to do so then you need to get yourself into MC and start working on your problems together and you probably need IC too. If you want a future together then you are going to have to stop living in the past.

 

I know all this is hard but it really can be done. I am speaking from personal experience here and I am very happy to say that my H and I are together and are both happy (and getting happier) 15 months after D-day. If I had not told him about the A then there would have always been something between us. He would have know something was not quite right and I would have always felt as if I was holding back from him. That does not make for a successful marriage.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

wrong, my H knows every last detail of what happened during the A and after it ended. he just doesnt know that i am still hurting over it.

[Devil Inside]

Hi BEG

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I know how much it hurts to lose your love. It stings like nothing else.

 

I want you to know...it does get better. In three days I will be 12 weeks NC. That is huge for me!

 

Like you...I am married. Like you...my spouse knows the deal...I confessed it to her. Like you...I have struggled with handling the loss of my lover, while my spouse watches on.

 

So with all these similarities...I am here to tell you...it does get better.

 

I can not tell you that it is easy. I cannot tell you that it will all work out. I cannot tell you that your husband will be able to handle seeing you mourn this other man.

 

I can tell you...however...that NC will allow you the time you need to heal yourself. You really need to heal. This attachment that you have to this MM is not healthy. I know that you would like to think that the intensity of your grief is a sign of your love for him...maybe. However...it is probably more likely...a sign of how attached you are to the person he makes you feel like. This lost part of yourself that he taps into to. A part of you, that only you can access on a long term basis.

 

I know it hurts...it is supposed to hurt. You are supposed to feel like your life is over. I mean...I know...look at my avatar...when she left me (my OW) I thought I was going to puke out my guts, cry out every fluid in my body, and die....literally. I never thought I would ever be able to be normal again. Well...it is debatable if I am normal...lol....but I am alive. I have made it. I do have joy in my life.

 

If I can make it...anyone can. Hang in there. Lean on us if you need it. I am here...you know where to find me.

[anne1707]

If that's the case then of course he knows you are still hurting over it! He's not stupid. Just imagine how he feels when he sees you crying over another man. It's just adding insult to injury.

 

My advice still stands - focus on your H if you want your marriage. If not, then leave him now and stop prolonging HIS pain.

 

Yes I am being harsh but that's only because I have learnt from my mistakes and want to help stop you doing the same.

[whichwayisup]

Anne is right..Also you might want to consider going to talk to a therapist to help you get over the exMM. It isn't fair to your husband, and he will only put up with your sadness, despair of losing exMM for so long. He's been SO UNDERSTANDING, but that patience will soon wear out..Rightfully so. Imagine HIS pain, instead of your own. Here you have a man, your husband, who is willing to forgive you, give you another chance, and all you can think about and want is exMM. Your H's heart is hurting, probably a hell of alot more than yours.. He's lost his wife, the woman he loved and trusted fully. His world has been turned upside down...Not by choice.

 

Do counselling, decide once and for all what it is you want and then put a plan into action. To sit, cry and miss/want MM is pointless and not put your H first isn't fair to him (your H)..