Office crush

[sunnydays]

I have worked for my boss for 11 years. He is a wonderful man, very caring, and attentive. He is about 15 years older than me, so I have always felt like he's looked out for me like a sister and I had until a year ago felt nothing for him, except pure respect as a boss. Within this last year, something has changed and there has been this strong attraction growing between us. Nothing physical has happened between us and we have been in many situations where it could have, but it didn't. We've always just been properly professional, but I have noticed the way he looks at me and how sometimes when we're in meetings I can feel him just staring deeply into my eyes and I just melt inside. Our office is small, so we do work closely, but since I have been feeling this attraction towards him (and I think it's mutual) I have been shying away and have not been able to focus.

 

We recently had a meeting very far away from the office. I flew out a day early and then we met there along with many others. I had to ride with him for a few hours to the location, so we spent some valuable one-on-one time together. He would stop so that we could do some sight seeing along the way, which was very nice. We both had our cameras and took pictures and walked around. When we got to the meeting destination, he had a room reservation at the resort because he was staying there for a few days. I was actually leaving that evening after the meeting. He said that I could use his room to get ready in and change if needed before dinner and my flight that night. I took him up on it and it was the most lovely time. He was a complete gentlemen, leaving the room, and waiting on the patio, while I used the restroom to change. We then shared a bottle of wine together on the patio and then left to meet the rest of the party. That was it...after dinner with our large party, he took me to the car that was waiting to take me to the airport. He carried my luggage and put it in the car. My driver actually thought that we were a couple and my boss actually joked that we had ditched our spouses and ran away together. We hugged and he told my driver that to please take really good care of me. That was it.

 

Since then he is even more on my mind. I think about him constantly and catch myself making up excuses to talk and meet with him at work and thinking of subtle ways that I can get his attention.

 

So here is the dilemna, I am mostly happily married and he is as well. Not to mention that he is my boss. I know that this, whatever it is, needs to stop or as I have been reading it is not going to turn out well, i.e. feelings hurt, loss of job for me, etc. How can I get over him, this crush that I have for him? Leaving this job is not an option. For all I know I could be the only one that is seeing and feeling this, he could be just a nice guy, and I am reading more into this. As I mentioned, he has not pursued me physically at all. I would appreciate any thoughts anyone has...I am very new to this. Thanks

[sadintexas]

Oh my! Crushes are fun, and when kept in perspective, relatively harmless, sometimes healthy depending on how you look at it. When it gets to the point you have the desire to talk about and seek advice about it, it's probably going too far. You've mentally fed this crush too much.

 

The words that stood out to me in your post is that both of you are happily married...to other people. PLEASE remember that you are happy with your husband. Affairs can seem like the most wonderful thing in the world when you're in the beginning stages of one, but in reality, most of them are not. In the end there is a lot of damage, loss of respect, heartache, and that's even if your spouses were never to find out.

 

Think of it like this...the more attention you give (mentally and physically) to this crush, the more you are taking away from your marriage.

 

Put your focus back on your husband and your marriage. Be a little more creative to ignite some sparks and give you something fun to think about and look forward to. Plan little things to surprise your H with that you can think about during the day and then act out in the evening. Divert your attention...put it where it needs to be. This should help you get over the crush. Also stop seeking the crush man out. Stick to your work and don't entertain the fantasy thoughts you've been having.

Edited October 17, 2009 by sadintexas

[mourningMM]

First, you may want to post this in the infidelity forum....because here you will find people who have taken that step across the boundary.

 

And most of us have learned that the damage caused by an affair is wide and deep.

 

Really, I've had office crushes, and I've killed them by getting to know the spouses. Once a person knows the married partner, it is much harder to justify or rationalize hurting them or being that disrespectful.

 

Not impossible, but much more difficult.

 

Another technique that might be helpful is to visualize the emotions on you spouse's face if he found out.

 

If you love him; that should freeze the heat in your panties!

[2sunny]

find a new job. it's the only way out without a lot of pain for you and everyone else.

[JumpinJimmy]

Wow. To properly respond to this it would be helpful to have more info about your marriage, but based on what you revealed here, hear are some thoughts. I agreed that you may be the only one seeing this... the first time I read it.

 

 

He would stop so that we could do some sight seeing along the way, which was very nice. We both had our cameras and took pictures and walked around.

.

He said that I could use his room to get ready in and change if needed before dinner and my flight that night. I took him up on it and it was the most lovely time. He was a complete gentlemen, leaving the room, and waiting on the patio, while I used the restroom to change.

He carried my luggage and put it in the car

This in itself does not mean that he wants to start an affair with you. This is how men should act towards any co-worker regardless of their gender.

 

However,these parts are a concern,

We then shared a bottle of wine together on the patio...

We hugged and he told my driver that to please take really good care of me

I have been debating on another thread about the innappropriateness of 1 on 1 dinners/drinks with men that are not a MW's husband or close family member. Dinner/drinks one on one with a woman is a courtship ritual, plain and simple. It is even considered a realtionship builder for married for couples, who need to get away from the kids and life stresses, to strengthen their bond. Why would you even consider it with him?Then the physical contact is a big issue...... It is not like he is some life long family friend or a cousin.The temptation is too great and you are falling for it. This is a damn classic... and if he goes any further beyond this, he is committing sexual harrassment to boot. As an after thought, you need to make sure that you are not 1 on 1 with him unless it is needed for work. This means no more business trips alone, bottles of wine, etc. If there are co-workers present, no problem.

 

 

 

If you really do care for your husband and value your marriage, you will tell your husband what you have posted here, or if you're fearful about how he will react, then show him this thread. I know that if my wife experienced this, while being a little uptight about this part,

Since then he is even more on my mind. I think about him constantly and catch myself making up excuses to talk and meet with him at work and thinking of subtle ways that I can get his attention

, I would appreciate her honesty, and view it more as the boss being a predator and hence the one at fault. By informing your husband it addresses several things at once.

• It shows that you are being honest and trust him enough to tell him that there is a problem developing. By doing so, before there is an EA or PA, you are showing your commitment to him and your marriage.
  
• It exposes the behavior and allows you to recognize it from both ends and stop it.
  
• It will give your husband a chance to think about his relationship with you, and if he is wise, he will focus on your marriage and the things that you need, ie...appreciation, attention, and non-sexual affection to start.
  

You owe it to your husband to let him know how you are feeling and give your marriage a chance. If you keep it from him, then you're going to be as guilty as your boss since you're playing along with it.

Edited October 17, 2009 by JumpinJimmy

[fooled once]

So you WANT to start an affair with your MARRIED boss?

 

IMHO - Good way to find yourself out of a job.

 

Keep your fantasies in your head.

 

Act like a professional at work; that is what you are being paid to do. You are not being paid to flirt or to put the moves on your MARRIED boss.

[bluegreen12]

find a new job. it's the only way out without a lot of pain for you and everyone else.

 

I totally agree with this one here.

[bluegreen12]

Don't you have boundaries? Leave the man alone.

 

.....by quitting the job.

 

This is the best post on this thread.

[mourningMM]

In no way do I want to offend; what I am about to suggest is really typical in most marriages....it has to do with the ebb and flow of energy between a husband and a wife. In saying this, I'm sharing my experience, and what I've seen before on this forum. I am not trying to cast blame, but to offer an observation that might be helpful.

 

 

For this boss to be at all interesting to you, there has to be a need that the attention is filling.

 

I don't know if you have a close friend you can talk to, or a member of the clergy, or a counselor, I think it might be helpful to do a little internal work.

 

I've been on all sides of an affair, and even though I hate to admit it, there were communication issues, trust issues, and priority issues. Not big problems, but small cracks and gaps that that can have someone else ooze into to fill.

 

I think you will have a more successful conversation with your husband if you do a really honest self-assessment as to why this guys is attractive.

 

Is it the attention, is you husband not paying enough attention?

Is it the excitement, has your marriage started to get too staid?

Is it the physical attraction, have you and your husband stopped the flirtation that causes sexual tension?

Is it the intellectual stimulation, have you stopped talking the "deep talks" about the future?

 

What is it? One of these or something else....because much of the time there is something that can be improved and strengthened. And once it is, no amount of attention from someone else will outweigh the respect and committment that you have with your husband.

 

On some level you are open to this. Find out why and focus on fixing it...or else it will happen again.

[ednadean]

my goodness, if you're both happily married then PLEASE don't go any further.

Affairs are disasters -- honestly. The amount of heartbreak on this forum attests to that.

Leave it as a brother/sister relationship. Try not to get drunk with him would be my advice -- will open up a can of absolute worms.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

have fun and enjoy the ride but be prepared for the consequences. you may lose it all, as i did. and no its not worth it.

[sunnydays]

Thank you all for your feedback thoughts and suggestions. Since it is the weekend, I have had some time to step back and take a look at this situation (with all of your help) and I am realizing just how disastrous this could be if it were to become anything more. I am feeling pretty foolish for possibly entertaining and acting on some of the feelings/fantasies that I have been having. The feelings may be just one sided and I imagine that he has probably sensed my feelings toward him and thinks I am a loose cannon. Then again I don't know because I have always been professional. We may joke and kid about things - but that has always gone both ways.

 

However, I then remember something that happened Friday afternoon, but again it makes me wonder if I am reading into things. It was close to 5:00 and the office was pretty empty. He came to me and asked if I knew where something was and I told him that it was in our basement storage, which I have the key to. So I asked him if he wanted the key so tht he could go and get it and he was acting like he wasn't sure where to find it, blah, blah, blah, almost as if he wanted me to take him down there. After explaining the directions and where the item was located exactly, he still seemed confused and so after all of that I then offered to show him where it was, but at this point it was almost too awkward for him to have said yes, so he said that he thought he could figure it out. It was just an odd situation that left me wondering if he was trying to get me alone.

 

Again, with the weekend, I feel refreshed like I could just turn off any feelings that I am having for him and I am going to try, but who knows how I will feel tomorrow when I see him or by the end of the week.

 

Thanks again everyone. You all are very wise and seem to have been around the block a few times. God Bless.

[bluegreen12]

However, I then remember something that happened Friday afternoon, but again it makes me wonder if I am reading into things. It was close to 5:00 and the office was pretty empty. He came to me and asked if I knew where something was and I told him that it was in our basement storage, which I have the key to. So I asked him if he wanted the key so tht he could go and get it and he was acting like he wasn't sure where to find it, blah, blah, blah, almost as if he wanted me to take him down there. After explaining the directions and where the item was located exactly, he still seemed confused and so after all of that I then offered to show him where it was, but at this point it was almost too awkward for him to have said yes, so he said that he thought he could figure it out. It was just an odd situation that left me wondering if he was trying to get me alone.

 

Again, with the weekend, I feel refreshed like I could just turn off any feelings that I am having for him and I am going to try, but who knows how I will feel tomorrow when I see him or by the end of the week.

 

Thanks again everyone. You all are very wise and seem to have been around the block a few times. God Bless.

 

Next time, expect to be "cornered."

 

You really need a new job NOW. Or you will be the mistress and lose your dignity and your marriage and your family.

[Jacky]

Keep the relationship professional, a bit of a crush is harmless but this bit can evolve into a bigger problem.

 

You have stated that he is married, please do yourself a favour and don't get involved in a relationship with him. It will get very very messy for both of you. The pain in the end will not be worth it especially when is quite likely that you will be the one receiving nothing.

[mourningMM]

However, I then remember something that happened Friday afternoon.

 

You haven't refocused yet if you are spending your time remembering an interaction with him, replaying it in your mind, and trying to understand whether it means more. REALLY the first step in seduction is to be on the top of someone's mind.

 

Your only thoughts, if you have realized that this attraction is a bad idea, should be about your family and yourself. Keep busy, focus on your relationship with your husband. Find the good in that and build on it.

 

Any time you are spending thinking about your boss is time you are being UNFAITHFUL to your husband. I'm a catholic, so I was brought up with the fact that sin happens in THOUGHT, WORD, and DEED. Quite frankly, most things happen in that arc...first you think about it, then you talk about it, and finally you do it.

 

Well, obviously you've been thinking. In this thread you've talked. STOP YOURSELF before you do the deed. Because this, is a decision that has caused more people on this forum a 4th level in the ark DISPARE followed by a 5th REGRET and for some of us 6th RECOVERY.

 

Really, you don't want to go here. Nothing this man can give to you in attention is worth the pain that it will cause the man you married; especially if you love your husband, and respect him.