emmy Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Can anyone direct me to threads about xOW who are now in happy, NORMAL relationships (not affairs) who are really glad they ended/were dumped from A and finally got over all-consuming feelings of revenge/anger/hatred etc? I need to know that xOW do go onto better things! I was recently dumped and apart from being riddled with the usual feelings that accompany that, I am sad because this experience has made me very disillusioned about M - which at 33, with no kids, isn't a great attitude, methinks (clock ticking etc). I haven't had many relationships in my life (only one long-term monogamous 4 years, and a fair few meaningless flings) - this creep was the first person I fell in love with in 10 years! I feel I need a bit of hope in my life after so much loneliness then a brief 'love' affair, then bitter disappointment! I don't want to 'close' down after this, and I feel myself going that way, out of self-preservation. Link to post Share on other sites
MaureyL Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 My affair ended when my partner in crime moved away to the other side of the world to train as a teacher. He moved with his long term, live-in girlfriend, which had been the plan from the very beginning. Our affair lasted approximately six months and we continued to stay quite closely in touch via email, texts and phone for another six months after that, until it finally dawned on me that he was never coming back. I haven't seen him in over a year now and the last time we spoke was about three months ago. I don't think he will contact me again. I broke down once and sent him a text about a month ago and he didn't respond. I met a man on the internet in March of this year and am enjoying dating him very much-- the relationship of course is not without its problems (he is struggling financially) but he's available and a real loving presence in my life. I am sure this is down to my therapist, whom I started seeing about a year ago, right after Alain left. At first I went twice a week, now I'm down to every other week. It has been a real lifesaver. And all the pain has been quite creative, in a way. I've written a play about it (two actually but only one has been produced) and I kept a blog on another website that was very helpful. I would be lying if I didn't say that it still hurts, every single day and that I still think about him every single day. But it is manageable and I feel certain that I will go on to happy, well adjusted relationships in my life. I can't have children so there is no "clock ticking" pressure, just the desire to find a partner that I can share a happy life and lots of love with... If he broke up with his girlfriend and said he wanted me back, I would go to him in a heartbeat. But obviously the universe doesn't think that's what best for me so here I am! You will definitely go on to other happy moments and relationships, of that I'm sure. For me, the melancholy never leaves but I have learned to make friends with it. Best wishes!! xx Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Can anyone direct me to threads about xOW who are now in happy, NORMAL relationships (not affairs) who are really glad they ended/were dumped from A and finally got over all-consuming feelings of revenge/anger/hatred etc? I need to know that xOW do go onto better things! I was recently dumped and apart from being riddled with the usual feelings that accompany that, I am sad because this experience has made me very disillusioned about M - which at 33, with no kids, isn't a great attitude, methinks (clock ticking etc). I haven't had many relationships in my life (only one long-term monogamous 4 years, and a fair few meaningless flings) - this creep was the first person I fell in love with in 10 years! I feel I need a bit of hope in my life after so much loneliness then a brief 'love' affair, then bitter disappointment! I don't want to 'close' down after this, and I feel myself going that way, out of self-preservation. Hi. I was an OW many years ago. I am now happily married for 11+ years. I had told myself after my affair ended that I was done with men. Couple months later, I met my H. We were married 8 months after we started dating. I was 33 when we married. You WILL get through this....just takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Yes. I ended things with xMM. After several months of healing myself, I started dating again and am now dating a very nice man. The chemistry is just as good as with xMM (and I'd never had that before him), communication is good and we have a lot of fun together. What became apparent rather quickly though is that I had conditioned myself to accept less than what was normal or deserved through my R with MM. That's what had become normal to me. When this single guy started seeing me and doing very normal things that were above and beyond what MM could do, a light switched on and I felt like I was in the real world again. I don't have any anger towards xMM. It was my choice to leave because he chose to stay (home). I truly hope (and advised him as such) that he and his W get MC to work on their M...that he goes home and puts 100% into it to make it the best it can be. I realize now that he's not the only one for me. There are others, even if it isn't this new guy. The world doesn't start and stop with MM. Even if he'd left, we'd have so much more to go through before we could start a healthy life together. Now I'm thankful I don't have to think about...worry about his life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
doe111 Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 hi Emmy, well I was just dumped about a month ago in an email after an almost two year relationship and I have promissed myself NO CONTACT!!! it is killing me but for the best and I can tell you that I still cry every night but not in the day as much so that is a plus, what i am trying to say is that every day away from the MM relationship it seems to be getting better. I a 44 and have one child (not from MM) and my child was hurt due to this R with MM and I have all the feelings you do love, I hate men I will never be in a relationship again god i am even thinking that I will end up some old spinster LOL however at this point it is one day at a time. If i have learned anything from this site it is to give yourself a break and one day at a time. dont you worry there is a reason for everything in life and you will get through this ((((((hugs)))))))) Doe111 Link to post Share on other sites
CarbonCopy Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Can anyone direct me to threads about xOW who are now in happy, NORMAL relationships (not affairs) who are really glad they ended/were dumped from A and finally got over all-consuming feelings of revenge/anger/hatred etc? I need to know that xOW do go onto better things! I was recently dumped and apart from being riddled with the usual feelings that accompany that, I am sad because this experience has made me very disillusioned about M - which at 33, with no kids, isn't a great attitude, methinks (clock ticking etc). I haven't had many relationships in my life (only one long-term monogamous 4 years, and a fair few meaningless flings) - this creep was the first person I fell in love with in 10 years! I feel I need a bit of hope in my life after so much loneliness then a brief 'love' affair, then bitter disappointment! I don't want to 'close' down after this, and I feel myself going that way, out of self-preservation. I'm so sorry! I can relate to a lot of this -- I was also recently dumped and I can't tell you how down and cynical it all made me towards men and marriage. I already didn't trust men too much, but the whole situation just made it worse. However, I recently went on a date and I can't tell you how refreshing it was -- no time limit, no worrying about being seen by someone, no calls from the wife -- just a nice, normal date with a great guy! That's not to say I'm over my MM -- I'd be lying if I said I was -- but time and keeping busy and positive will make things go a lot easier. Don't get down. You're still very young and have plenty of time to find someone and have a family. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I'm an xOW and it did take awhile to get past all the mix of feelings that you go through in these situations. It's probably a lot worse if the MM ended the relationship instead of the other way around. I'm fine now and you can get past it. You might find some additional threads and support at gloryb.com. It's a site totally dedicated to the OW. You know, if you're really wanting a family but there no prospects of a guy in sight, why not set a deadline for yourself - say 35 - and if a guy hasn't come into your life by then (which is unlikely), then have a couple of children on your own through one of those clinics. It may sound nuts but at least the family you desire doesn't have to be completely dependent upon a man coming into your life. Just a thought. So, what's your story? Why did MM end things with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author emmy Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 Thanks ladies. Just to say, I am already feeling better. Been through some very hard times in the last weeks, but starting to see things more objectively. I have to have work contact with the man and we saw each other last week about work and then it got 'personal'. I cried and we had a good talk. He agreed with me that there is too much there to try to maintain "friendship" and said we are "too compatible in too many ways" (but not obviously not enough for him to leave GF for me!). He admitted for the first time since I met him, that he and his gf have lots of problems. He claimed that needed to end affair to work out whether relationship can be saved. Shame I had to be dumped in the process, but at least that makes it really clear that his priorities haven't changed at all, despite us become much closer over the last year. It was all in my head. I am glad to be out of the whole mess. He is not 100% committed to her, obviously, as despite ending it, he was talking to me like I was still 'with' him and being physically affectionate. But he will always put her before me, no matter how bad their relationship gets. You don't move in with your partner and break off a LT affair with someone you are having an amazing time with, if your relationship is collapsing. I don't want to spend my life waiting, in case it does - because it will never happen! If you accept role as OW you remain OW and if you don't., as I didn't, they end it or you do. It's that simple! But at least you're free and your life is your own again. And his treatment of me (and his GF) makes me realise that maybe he isn't capable of loving anyone wholly. You don't 'keep' another woman in the background if you love her!!! And you don't have a year long emotional and sexual affair when you are only 5 years into relationship if you truly love your gf. I really don't believe that. He will do it again, with some other woman, that's clear. I already feel much freer and am aware what a bashing my self-esteem has taken. I am starting also to realise how much of the situation was fantasy & projection, as many affairs are, as you don't get enough time with the person to really 'know' each other and how much you convince yourself that being the OW is ok!. I can't explain it, but once the pain starts to subside, you feel good,in a way that you don't expect - its a kind of 'release.' Yes, I will miss him but his crappy behaviour has shown that he just aint worth the heartache. All you unhappy OW (not those who are ok with everything of course) should give NC (or whatever you call it) a try! So, just to say, ok its early days, but there is hope!!! Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Glad you are feeling better emmy. In time, you will look back and go "what the heck was I thinking" and realize you deserve MUCH BETTER than ever being sloppy seconds to anyone. You deserve to be the ONLY woman, not the OTHER woman! Link to post Share on other sites
Author emmy Posted October 21, 2009 Author Share Posted October 21, 2009 thank for your kind words!!! Link to post Share on other sites
howcouldInotknow Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Oh it definitely gets better. I am now almost 2 months after DDday and I am almost back to my old self. I have one of those days every now and then but they are few and far between Link to post Share on other sites
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