Will he settle for second best?

[kiwigirl]

Hi everyone. This is my first and probably last affair - it hurts too god damn much. We only lasted six weeks but we had the most incredible relationship that was built on communication and unbelieavably honesty. It was that honesty that ended up finishing us as we were never going to be able to handle the deceit of an affair. That was what drew us to each other - our ability to communicate and be honest - nothing was sacred. I am ending my marriage - well I had already told my husband we were through and I was very clear in my mind I was free. "H" was in marriage where he had been childhood sweethearts, known no other partners either of them and he had used brothels in the last couple of years to satisfy his intimacy needs. she was useless at initimacy, sex and having real discussions with him - all things I excelled at with him and he said he felt like the real person had come out of the box he had been put into. We met on the internet and were friends for three weeks via phone, email, chat, web cam before we met. We loved and probably still love each other as it has only been 4 days. We only met twice but each time was perfect - everything we dreamed it would be and more. It was always way more than the sex. His wife found out the night of the second time and told him to get rid of me. he was always honest from day one that he would try and save his marriage if he had to make a choice as his paramount concern was his young kids and that his wife had known no other man etc and that he loved her. Said he didn't love her like he loves me - what we had was everything he dreamed a relationship could be but he felt a loyalty to try and make it better with her. She had refused counselling but now he got caught she has agreed to it and talked to him more than she ever has about their relationship. He and I agreed that we couldn't remain friends as I would always be a thorn in the marriage - niggling away at it and he said he was 100% committed to try and save the marriage. If it didn't work he would come for me. I have absolutely no reason not to believe him based on the total honesty we had through the relationship. I fear that he will be so scared about the unknown and pain he will have to go through if he leaves her, if they can't makke it work, that he will settle for second best and live with a slightly better marriage but not what he could have had with me. Do you think that is what he proably will do? He has cut off ALL communciation with me - I sent two texts and made one phone call which have all been ignored. I actually admire his committment to trying to save the marriage. I was going to wait one month and then fly up to him (it is long distance relationship which adds to the problem) and confront him on how long should I wait to see if the marriage will work and tell him I think he will settle for a marriage with an improvement rather than everythingn with me. I feel if I get an answer from him on that then I could move on and finally shut the door if I have to. What do people think? I truly believe she will not change to what he wants - this is not a problem that has suddenly come on in the marriage but she holds every card at the moment apart from he can't get aroused with her now since me and the love, communication and honesty he had with me he has never had with her. Should I stay silent for the next month and let them revert back to their old patterns and then see himn - or should I wait longer. Any thoughts from another OW who has had success would be appreciated so much. Thank you.

[Susmay]

No he won't settle for 2nd best. If he stays with his W then it means he has decided that is the best thing for him.

 

Your relationship was not built on honesty at all. It was built on lies and deception of his W.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is going to be with the woman who completes him best. Just because a woman may not excel at some things, does not mean she does not excel at others. You may have offered him things he was missing, but was that amount greater than what he would lose if he left his wife? That is what is going through his mind now - not which one of you is 'best'.

 

It will all come down to which woman he stands to lose the most with - and that will be the one he stays with.

 

There is no 'second best' - only compromise and weighing gain against loss.

 

At this point, he is focusing on his marriage because he knows he stands to lose more by divorcing than he does by staying. That isn't settling. It is compromising.

 

All you can do is move forward yourself, and put this behind you. You stand to find a greater happiness by walking away than you do by waiting for him.

[OWoman]

Any thoughts from another OW who has had success would be appreciated so much.

 

Kiwi, I'm not sure what you mean by "success", but as I've had several As, somewhere my experience might be relevant.

 

Firstly, when you ask whether he will "settle" for "second best", you need to consider that it's not simply a straight swap involved here. It's not you vs his wife - it's an unknown life with you, vs the life he has built up with her - and his kids. So yes, he may well "settle" for "second best" on the woman / partner front, but the overall package he will opt for will be the one he considers to be better, at the time.

 

Secondly, you mention that it's LDR - you don't mention the distances involved, but speak of flying, which suggests it's not just around the corner. Which means, if there was a future for the two of you, at least one of you would have to move. He has young kids, so it's not likely to be him - which leaves you to have to move into "his world". While you may (at least, now, in theory) be prepared to do that, he also needs to be prepared to "share" his world with you fully as an equal partner - bearing in mind his BW would still be there, the social circle they'd built up, the circles around their kids, their professional circles, etc. Will it be that easy for him simply to bump her out of it, and instead install a woman he's met twice, and known for only a few weeks?

 

And thirdly, you've known each other only a few weeks. It may be the most intense, connected, resonant few weeks either of you has ever known, but it's still only a few weeks. He's known her a lot longer than that, built up all kinds of shared assumptions, memories, networks and habits - and add to that the kids and the issues around her sexual exclusivity - and you'll see the scales are far more heavily loaded on the other side, at least for now.

 

So, chances are, he'll decide to stick it out with her. The A will have shown him that things with her are far from optimal, and he'll always miss that - and may well contact you down the line to resume the A. And, possibly over time, if he builds up strong enough networks and memory banks with you, too, they may start to weigh heavily enough for him to consider making the move. But on the basis of two meetings, and some online chat, it's really unlikely at this point. I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

Rather than waiting for him to decide, and putting your own life on hold, I'd suggest getting on with your life, doing what suits you, and then one day IF he contacts you, you can be the one making the choice about whether or not you want to accommodate him in your life, rather than being a convenient "fall-back" option for him should he decide he'd rather move on from his M.

 

This is not all about him and his choices - this is about YOU and yours.

 

Good luck!

[aussiegirl66]

kiwigirl, I understand the pain that you are going through. I have felt similar, and mine was shortlived too though apparently unreciprocated (at the end). The advice given by Lucrezia Borgia and OWoman is absolutely sound and brilliant. Read and re-read it.

 

You can't dictate the terms of anyone's life - you can't control anyone's actions and you can't force anyone's hand according to your "timeline" no matter how much you want an answer. That may work in business, but with people, life just doesn't work like that, unfortunately. What if you fly up and you don't get the answer you want? - you will be even more devastated than you are now. He may be shocked that you turn up at his doorstep or wherever when he doesn't want any contact with you, when he is trying to move on with his life. He may not really be happy in the marriage, but stays for reasons mentioned above which have nothing to do with you or your worth. He may stay with his W and family even though he loves you and will always love you, though he is not going to tell you that - that happens on here too. However, men seem alot better at forgetting OW than we are at forgetting them. They focus on other things not us, because let's face it, they are not the emotional creatures we are.

 

You must under NO circumstances fly up to see him, as much as you want to. He has initiated No Contact (NC) and that means the same goes for you now too. A communication link requires two people and that is now broken.

 

I know others what others are going to say, they are going to say, well focus on you now, focus your efforts on putting your life together after the end of your marriage, on healing and loving yourself and then in time, on finding someone who is single, who is worthy of you and what you deserve and all that palaver, which you don't want to hear, but I am warning you as you will hear it soon enough from other posters.

 

I have more bad news for you. Others are going to say you are wicked for even having an affair with a married man who has kids. They are going to see you as a cheater and potential homewrecker, even if he leaves his wife for you. They are going to say that if he cheated on his wife, then he has the potential to cheat on you too. All stuff that is really tough to hear, I know kiwigirl, and it may not apply to you, but that is often what happens in reality.

 

The other piece of "reality-hitting" sobering advice is that MM rarely, extremely rarely in fact, leave their wives for the OW not matter how good the communication, intimacy, sex, etc, was. While OWoman is successful, and there is another woman, Green Eyed Lady (GEL) who was successful and whose posts you should also read, these cases are few and far between. The great majority are not - this happens for affairs that have gone on for years, where the woman has waited for a long time for the MM to leave his spouse, not for a relatively short time like yours. You have probably read about this in others' posts. You may be the exception, and if you are, I will be proved wrong.

 

I am not trying to judge you kiwigirl, I have been in your shoes and understand emotional devastation only too well. You like me, probably built up this fantasy about what life with this man would be like if things had continued and then in your case, if he left his wife. But hon, you don't really know this guy, you know nothing of his personal habits, you really don't know what real life would be like with him, do you?

 

Stop glorifying him, he has faults just like me or you. You just haven't seen them yet because you are what they call in "affair fog".

 

Lastly, please keep posting on here. Post here if you feel like contacting him instead. Again, you may find it tough to hear some things, but it is really therapeutic to hear it from some people who have been there but who are no longer embroiled in the emotional side of things like we are, because time has passed to heal them after the affair is over.

[Lucky_One]

I wouldn't change my life for a 6 week relationship EVER, especially if I had only met him in person twice (and then only met for sex).

 

Expecting a MP to end a marriage, split assets, divide visitation, risk alienating the most precious thing in their lives (their children), and break someone else's heart on a 6 week fling isn't very practical.

 

Please do not fly up there to confront him. He has told you that your R is over. There is nothing more that you need to know. Move on and live your life without any plans for him. Why would even want to think of accomodating a man who is not accomodating you? IF he ever divorces and IF he ever decides to find you (and I think a multiple philanderer will play the field once he divorces rather than settle down immediately again) and IF you are free, then he can figure out how to fit into YOUR life, rather than you leaving your life free on the off-off-chance he comes back to you.

 

I don't see much honesty in your R, even though I am sure you think that he has never lied to you. I suspect if you could see his real life and his real marriage, you would be shocked.

[NoIDidn't]

I, too, am struck by the fact that it was only six weeks and you are making a life changing decision based on that.

 

A "relationship" really doesn't begin to develop until after a few MONTHS. Six weeks is too short, IMO.

[2sure]

she was useless at initimacy, sex and having real discussions with him - all things I excelled at with him

 

And he also told you that he loved his wife, and is 100% committed to repairing the damage his 6 week mistake has done to his marriage. AND told you it was over, you could not remain friends.

 

Doesnt sound like a guy unhappy with his wife. Sounds like a guy desperate to save what he almost lost. You both got caught up in an imaginary relationship and when reality came into play, he gave it up.

You are not competing with his wife. You are competing with reality.

 

Also told you if it didnt work out, he would look you up.

 

I wouldnt hold my breath. And since he has ignored all of your communications....flying to where he is to confront him...sounds

Crazy.

[seibert253]

No he won't settle for 2nd best. If he stays with his W then it means he has decided that is the best thing for him.

 

Your relationship was not built on honesty at all. It was built on lies and deception of his W.

 

I agree with Sus. We learn more from our mistakes then from our successes. Time to move forward. It's done.

[NoIDidn't]

You are not competing with his wife. You are competing with reality.

 

Great quote. Can I use some version of this for my sig line?

[2sure]

Why not?

 

We all need to think once in awhile...Ok, this is what I feel but whats the reality?

[fooled once]

You met this person twice?

 

You seem to think he is sooo honest with you? Did he TELL HIS WIFE about you or did she just find out?

 

If he didn't tell his wife, he isn't being honest with her; so in your view, he is only honest with you - the person he has met twice?

 

Please don't presume to know what she is like - in or out of bed. You are going by what HE has told you. Do you reallly think he is going to tell you what a fantastic lover she is? Of course not -- he has to reel you in somehow.

 

Do NOT fly up there. You are going to embarass yourself. LET HIM GO. To NOT let him go is stalking him after he has told you he won't leave his wife and he is going to work on the marriage. BELIEVE HIM.

 

You have only "known" him for 6 weeks; and you really truly do not KNOW him. You know one side of him; a side you have only seen 2 times.

 

He, according to you, is a cheater --- he goes to wh*re houses and gets his rocks off. Why in the world do you think he is being HONEST with you about wanting a relationship with you? He wants to relieve himself; that's all.

 

DO NOT FLY UP THERE -- you are not invited, you are not welcome and he is not responding to your texts and emails. If he wanted to see you or talk to you, he would get in touch with you.

 

What part of him ignoring you has you confused???

[whichwayisup]

Met him twice and only known him less than 2 months.. You don't know this guy, at all!

 

Everyone else is right..Let go and move on.. Why bother?

 

Find love somewhere else, with someone who is single and can give you 100% of them, not just bits and pieces.

[Prarie]

And he also told you that he loved his wife, and is 100% committed to repairing the damage his 6 week mistake has done to his marriage. AND told you it was over, you could not remain friends.

 

YES! Kiwi, he told you his intentions. Please believe him and move on before you waste any more of your precious time.