Questions for Devil Inside....

[becky2009]

Okay I have a few questions….

I have thought about this non-stop and I believe that if a Man is in love with his OW (truly in love with her) that there is no way he can make his marriage work, no way he can turn those feelings off and continue with his life and be happy. The A should not have happened but it did, you cannot change what has happened and you cannot change your feelings for another person.

 

If you love this OW why did you decide to stay with your W?

 

What makes you think it will work?

 

You cannot give 100% to your W when you love someone else and doesn’t she deserve that?

 

I think that you are living a lie and we only get one life, your W only gets one life, so even if you end up alone I think you owe it to yourself and everyone else involved to end the marriage (again if you truly love the OW). I think it is possible to stay and exist in your marriage but I do not think that you are being true to yourself or anyone else. Several of you have posted that you cannot make a sound decision when in a triangle and I believe that is true. Just a few thoughts…

I am deeply hurt by my situation and I am trying very hard to accept things the way they are but I think if he had come to me and said I made a mistake I love my W and I need to make it work, I would still be hurt but it would be easier to accept.

 

Devil Inside, I have read many of your responses to other posts and I am curious as to how you feel and what made you stay?

[OWoman]

you cannot change your feelings for another person.

 

 

Of course you can! People fall out of love all the time, and sometimes fall in love again. But it's pretty easy to "rewrite the A history" (the way that some BSs claim MPs "rewrite the M history" during the A) after the A is over. the WS tries so hard to convince the BS that it was really all about the sex, that that wasn't really love, that it meant nothing, that eventually they convince themselves. Have a look on the infidelity board - there are many examples there.

 

Whether or not it is sustainable, and whether or not one can recover a M adequately where the WS isn't completely committed to the M - and DI still seems to have doubts and equivocation on that matter - is another matter. But if the WS is prepared to do the hair shirt, sack cloth and ashes and convince the BS (and themself) it meant nothing, even where it did, they may well kill off residual feelings of love for the OW

[herenow]

Of course you can! People fall out of love all the time, and sometimes fall in love again. But it's pretty easy to "rewrite the A history" (the way that some BSs claim MPs "rewrite the M history" during the A) after the A is over. the WS tries so hard to convince the BS that it was really all about the sex, that that wasn't really love, that it meant nothing, that eventually they convince themselves. Have a look on the infidelity board - there are many examples there.

 

When I read stuff like this it makes me think that many OW believe that us BW aren't capable of looking at the big picture. What I mean is that we are able to look beyond what our H's tell us to verify what happened.

 

Many of us have had the opportunity to read and hear emails and voice messages that confirm reality. My H shared his email and voicemail with me voluntarily.

 

When I read an email from the OW complaining that all they did was have sex. When she claimed that she was frustrated that he never told her he loved her. When she asked for more because she wanted him to prove to "her" that it's not all about sex, well then I would have to believe, it was all about sex.

 

Funny thing is, my H says it was all about him and issues that he has within himself. The sex was the fix for an addition he is now keenly aware of. He has made significant life changes and is committed to his recovery. That has absolutely nothing to do with me or the OW.

 

So, was the affair all about sex? Yes and no. If the OW wasn't willing to have sex when she was with my H, he wouldn't have gotten his fix and there would have been no affair (with her anyway). Was it about love? I would bet my life that it wasn't.

[Owl]

Of course you can! People fall out of love all the time, and sometimes fall in love again. But it's pretty easy to "rewrite the A history" (the way that some BSs claim MPs "rewrite the M history" during the A) after the A is over. the WS tries so hard to convince the BS that it was really all about the sex, that that wasn't really love, that it meant nothing, that eventually they convince themselves. Have a look on the infidelity board - there are many examples there.

 

Whether or not it is sustainable, and whether or not one can recover a M adequately where the WS isn't completely committed to the M - and DI still seems to have doubts and equivocation on that matter - is another matter. But if the WS is prepared to do the hair shirt, sack cloth and ashes and convince the BS (and themself) it meant nothing, even where it did, they may well kill off residual feelings of love for the OW

 

I completely agree with this.

 

Do you know which relationship will 'succeed'?

 

The one that is INVESTED in. The one that the real effort is put into to make work...by both parties.

 

I would say that EITHER relationship CAN succeed and turn out to be that "long term love"...as long as both parties in the relationship are truly willing to INVEST in it.

 

Most WS's don't IMMEDIATELY chose to invest in their marriage right after the end of the affair. They're not capable of it then...they're still grieving the loss of the affair relationship...still going through that "withdrawl". But most commonly they eventually choose to re-invest their efforts into their marriage, and as long as both parties do so...it can blossom back into a wonderful marriage.

 

From what I've seen, it typically works the same way on the flip-side as well. Often, a MM isn't really capable of giving the relationship with the OW his "all" right after the end of the marriage. He has to grieve the end of that...but eventually...he recovers and resumes investing in his relationship with her.

 

A MM who chooses to remain and work on his marriage isn't "sacrificing himself" for his family...he's CHOOSING. Just as a MM who chooses to end his marriage isn't "sacrificing himself" for the OW...he's choosing which relationship to invest in.

[ladydesigner]

Okay I have a few questions….

I have thought about this non-stop and I believe that if a Man is in love with his OW (truly in love with her) that there is no way he can make his marriage work, no way he can turn those feelings off and continue with his life and be happy. The A should not have happened but it did, you cannot change what has happened and you cannot change your feelings for another person.

 

Well in my case I really have not been able to turn my feelings off. I am a WS and he xOM who has a SO. Not sure if my marriage will work out, really not sure anymore. I have made progress but I don't really know if you can just turn those feelings off. I am assuming they will fade in time just like they did when my first love broke my heart. With time... I hope. I do know that I want to make a good shot at my marriage and I do know that if I left my marriage for xOM it most likely would not have been a successful relationship. I can't turn back time, but I really wish I would not have had the A to begin with.

[Devil Inside]

Okay I have a few questions….

I have thought about this non-stop and I believe that if a Man is in love with his OW (truly in love with her) that there is no way he can make his marriage work, no way he can turn those feelings off and continue with his life and be happy. The A should not have happened but it did, you cannot change what has happened and you cannot change your feelings for another person.

 

If you love this OW why did you decide to stay with your W?

 

What makes you think it will work?

 

You cannot give 100% to your W when you love someone else and doesn’t she deserve that?

 

I think that you are living a lie and we only get one life, your W only gets one life, so even if you end up alone I think you owe it to yourself and everyone else involved to end the marriage (again if you truly love the OW). I think it is possible to stay and exist in your marriage but I do not think that you are being true to yourself or anyone else. Several of you have posted that you cannot make a sound decision when in a triangle and I believe that is true. Just a few thoughts…

I am deeply hurt by my situation and I am trying very hard to accept things the way they are but I think if he had come to me and said I made a mistake I love my W and I need to make it work, I would still be hurt but it would be easier to accept.

 

Devil Inside, I have read many of your responses to other posts and I am curious as to how you feel and what made you stay?

 

I chose to stay with my wife because I was not just picking between two women...I was choosing between risking the odds that things would work out with my xOW or the woman I've known for ten years, an everyday life with my children, and my life as I've known it the past decade. I love both women...but I chose to give it a realistic chance with my wife.

 

There are no guarantees in life. I am going into this reconciliation period with my wife with an open mind. I do not know if it will work. If it does it is because we do have the framework of a marriage. We do love each other. We both have desire to make it work. However there are many things that would make it fail...I am not blind to that.

 

You are right that I cannot give my wife 100% because my emotions are all over the map right now. I can however, give her a lot. I ended the A. I admitted the A. I answered her questions. I am here with her. We are going to MC. I am going to IC. I decided to work things out with her when she disclosed her infidelities. I can behave in a committed way...my emotions are what they are...I hope they follow.

 

Look every situation is different. I can see that you are hurt. I cam not your xMM, so I can't speak for him...but I can tell you what I am thinking and feeling. I love my xOW...I love my W...I chose my W. I have made the choice to work on our marriage and to work on myself.

 

See the real thing here is that I am not choosing either woman...I am choosing myself. I am going to work on what is broken in me...because if I don't then I will never be happy with anybody. If after giving it a good shot, I am not happy or she is not happy I think we will go our seperate ways...I know I don't want to just tolerate a marriage.

 

It would be foolish...however...for me to not give this time and work and just leave my M. My head is not on stratight right now...I am grieving the loss og my R to my xOW...that will take time. My head is spinning from being betrayed by my W...that will take some time. One thing I am straight about though is that I am no longer going to lie to myself or stay married because I fear not being married.

 

Having an A was a cowardly way to handle my issues in my M. It was a colossal mistake. One that I am paying the price for now. I have seen two women that I love be crushed by my actions and decisions. So now, all I can do, is pick up the pieces, be accountable, and work on myself and my marriage.

 

I know you hurt. I'm sorry. Try to be kind to yourself. Do not beat yourself up and go in circles about why he chose to stay in his marriage. It doesn't matter. Just work on healing you right now.

[Devil Inside]

I completely agree with this.

 

Do you know which relationship will 'succeed'?

 

The one that is INVESTED in. The one that the real effort is put into to make work...by both parties.

 

I would say that EITHER relationship CAN succeed and turn out to be that "long term love"...as long as both parties in the relationship are truly willing to INVEST in it.

 

Most WS's don't IMMEDIATELY chose to invest in their marriage right after the end of the affair. They're not capable of it then...they're still grieving the loss of the affair relationship...still going through that "withdrawl". But most commonly they eventually choose to re-invest their efforts into their marriage, and as long as both parties do so...it can blossom back into a wonderful marriage.

 

From what I've seen, it typically works the same way on the flip-side as well. Often, a MM isn't really capable of giving the relationship with the OW his "all" right after the end of the marriage. He has to grieve the end of that...but eventually...he recovers and resumes investing in his relationship with her.

 

A MM who chooses to remain and work on his marriage isn't "sacrificing himself" for his family...he's CHOOSING. Just as a MM who chooses to end his marriage isn't "sacrificing himself" for the OW...he's choosing which relationship to invest in.

 

BINGO

 

Well said Owl...you are right on the money here.

[Devil Inside]

. Several of you have posted that you cannot make a sound decision when in a triangle and I believe that is true.

 

That's why I got out of it.

 

Good news is...so are you. I know it doesn't seem good..but you should be able to make much better decisions about what is better for you now...then when you were in the A.

[Owl]

BINGO

 

Well said Owl...you are right on the money here.

 

See, not all BS's are bitter, angry people bent on seeking vengeance from ANY OW/OM or MM/MW that gets in their path. :)

 

I've always said this...I don't believe that ANYONE walks away from an affair unscathed...unless they had no emotional investment involved to begin with.

 

Everyone gets hurt to some degree when the "triangle" happens.

 

Good luck to you, DI. Regardless of how things work out for you, I wish you well.

[OWoman]

I completely agree with this.

 

Careful, Owl - agreeing with me is not going to do your Wise Old Owl image any good...

[OWoman]

I've always said this...I don't believe that ANYONE walks away from an affair unscathed...unless they had no emotional investment involved to begin with.

 

True enough. It's easy, until you invest emotions. Then it gets messy...

[Owl]

Careful, Owl - agreeing with me is not going to do your Wise Old Owl image any good...

I'm not that worried about it anyway...anyone who's posted here longer than a day knows I'm about as wise as a cardboard box.

 

I'm just a very opinionated cardboard box!

[NoIDidn't]

Owl, that was a great post.

[Sanafa]

Becky.... I know the frustration, I SOO do.

 

I liked your poem and also really like my "lightbulb" moment yesterday

 

I loves him... He loves me.... He loves her....A decision had to be made....it was

 

As hard as that may be... I also believe people can love 2 people but only COMMIT to one.

 

He had to make a choice.... and he did.

[becky2009]

Thank You for all your responses!!!!

 

Devil Inside - Thank You I really wanted to hear your side of it because this is similiar to what I think my xMM is doing and it really helped to get your response.

 

I still work with him and have to see him every day and of course I have to be the strong one, the one that has to stop any discussions other than work, etc... I am trying to stay strong and reading the posts out here has really helped me keep it together at work. We are very respectful and kind to each other as we both still love each other but I know this was his choice and his alone now I have to live with it.

[Devil Inside]

Thank You for all your responses!!!!

 

Devil Inside - Thank You I really wanted to hear your side of it because this is similiar to what I think my xMM is doing and it really helped to get your response.

 

I still work with him and have to see him every day and of course I have to be the strong one, the one that has to stop any discussions other than work, etc... I am trying to stay strong and reading the posts out here has really helped me keep it together at work. We are very respectful and kind to each other as we both still love each other but I know this was his choice and his alone now I have to live with it.

 

My heart breaks for all of you that work with your former AP once an A is over...how do you do it!

 

In time you will get to a point where it is your choice to maintain strict boundaries.

 

In time it will be your choice to never again put yourself in a spot where you will be second place.

 

Please take care of you...he is a big boy, he'll be fine...take care of you...because in the end...that is the person that you can count on.