StoptheDrama Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 ...is in some ways similar to the death of a loved one but even crueler... The person I care for no longer exists; who knows if he ever even did. The person my xMM portrayed himself to be is gone, plain and simple. He died. Was he real? Was it just a game? I'll never know the answers to those questions and more. Now I just deal with aftermath, try to keep my head on straight and move on. Throughout my life I've dealt with the deaths of friends, family, family friends and so on. I know the heartache, anguish and even despair of losing someone you love all too well. In those cases, as hard as they were, they were pretty clear cut. X lived, _______ happened, and now they've moved on to another place. For me, it's all the uncertain variables as well as the games involved with having to deal with xMM that are making it so hard for me. Since I ended the A, it's been much the same rollercoaster as before. We work together and maintaining a professional relationship is of the utmost importance to me. For a while, things will be good. He's cooperative, I let my guard down a little and we end up being friendly again. Then I get a glimpse of the person I thought he was and that HURTS. Then the questions come...was it just a game? Is he really that person but trying in his own way to do the right thing (which ultimately ends up being a jerk to me)? And so on... then the inevitable happens and he switches gears. He again becomes the uncooperative, antagonizing, condescending jerk for a while. It's cyclical. Not only does he make my profesional life very difficult but, when I get that glimpse of who I thought he was, it sends me into a tailspin of sorts. I've broken that cycle, hopefully for good. I know that I can't let my guard down around him any longer, it just messes with my head. So that leaves me with the only conclusion that the man I cared for is gone - he might as well have died. Will I ever know the truth? Not from xMM, I'm sure. I just have to trust my gut, continue to deal with him in a strictly professional capacity only and move on. That's why it's similar to death but even crueler. Just needed to vent... Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Sorry you're going thru this, keep posting here and hopefully you'll feel better soon! Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I attended DivorceCare (a spiritual based group therapy type program) while I was divorcing my xH. They explained that a divorce (or in your case the break up of a significant/important relationship to you) is very much like the death of a loved one EXCEPT that it is harder. It's harder in the sense that in a death, the loved one didn't choose to leave you, or you didn't have to choose to leave someone you love. It's natural and it happened and you have full closure once your grieving is done. There are always unanswered questions and issues that are not completely resolved in a break up. I hope you start feeling better soon. It's very difficult. Lean on those you can and take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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