My husbands friend is a married Woman

[zilgurl]

My husband is friends with a woman he met through his work about 2 years ago. His first meeting was when she put him up at her place for 10 days whilst he worked in her city at her work. Her husband only came home at weekends. They found they had a lot in common and got on really well. I was invited last year to visit with him the next time he went up there. Then we were invited over the holidays for a couple of nights. He has had several jobs with her and stayed on several occasions since. I thought the relationship was just friends but a couple of months I discovered he had been keeping daily email contact and they were talking about me and our relationship. (Not in a good light I may add).

I was angry because I had no knowledge of this nor did they have my permission. He claims I would have reacted if hed told me and his fears were realised because I did react but it was because it was done by email on a daily basis and in secret. ( and by what he was saying about me). His explanation was that he was seeking help because we had begun to grow apart. In one email she said to him " I had a feeling that.... might at some stage associate your questioning of your relationship with your visits to us. Thats because I see your need for more stimulation and a deeper level of discussion than you are getting" . He refuses to give up their friendship- says hes friends with her husband but only she and him email each other.

Am I paranoid?

[GreenEyedLady]

No you're not paranoid.

 

You're right.

 

You might want to post this in the infidelity section though.

[whichwayisup]

Do yourself a favour, copy those emails and send them to this woman's husband. He is NOT friends with her husband, if he is, it's FAKE and not sincere. Seems he's used that as a cover up so you won't cause up a stir.

 

WTF is he doing speaking to her about your marriage issues .. Issues that apparently you didn't know you two had! He is doing the typical "my wife is blah blah .. and my marriage is blah blah.. To bond and get close to her.

 

It's either her or you. He cannot have it both ways.

 

He may not be having a full on affair with her, but it's definately emotional and half way there for it to turn physical.

 

He's trying to gaslight you, making it seem like you'd be the crazy one, the one who is over reacting and jealous..Meanwhile all this time he's LYING and DECEIVING you.

 

He needs to suffer some consquences so he can understand what he's doing is not only wrong, but causing you so much pain and mistrust in him.

 

Seriously, consider kicking him out..He needs a wake up call and fast. He isn't thinking, he's in a fog - He matters and that's it. Let him see what LIFE is like without you for a while. Let reality sink in that his 'friendship' isn't as hunky dory and great as he likes to think it is.

 

And, no, you're no paranoid at all...

[zilgurl]

How do I do that?

No you're not paranoid.

 

You're right.

 

You might want to post this in the infidelity section though.

[GreenEyedLady]

How do I do that?

 

You could either just go start another thread like this there or alert the mods.

 

They will be able to tell you a whole bunch of James Bond spy stuff.

 

But oh my God, he is nuts if he thinks he is going to remain friends with her. Only a H with something going on would draw a line in the sand like that.

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

Just go to the infidelity section. Your H is in the beginning(or maybe full blown) EA. It could even be physical. Talk with her H about it. GEL is right go over to infidelity.

[zilgurl]

I consulted an online counsellor and he felt that it was inappropriate to discuss me without my knowledge etc and I rang a local one and he said that he thought it was OK if husband had a pressing issue and he felt it necessary to talk with someone then so be it. I lean the side of inappropriate. The other woman is moving with her husband to the other side of the world so he wont be seeing her in the near future but I daresay the emails will continue. what pises me off is that I am being put under the microscope and she is having regular updates about the state of our marriage.Hes passworded everything but he showd me the last two emails hes sent and hjer replies. Nothing much except telling her where we are up to and I dont like it but if I make a big noise then he will stop showingme so I have to tread carefully

[GreenEyedLady]

Lean to the side of inappropriate?

 

He has been known to stay up there for business which her H is gone during the week so it is just the two of them. Correct?

 

And they have contact daily....

 

This is more than just inappropriate.

[bentnotbroken]

There are boundaries in marriage and he is waaay over the line. I read the book Not Just Friends...it talks about who this is how affairs start. No one should discuss the private nature of their marriage with someone of the opposite sex, especially if her H isn't home.

[zilgurl]

You could either just go start another thread like this there or alert the mods.

 

They will be able to tell you a whole bunch of James Bond spy stuff.

 

But oh my God, he is nuts if he thinks he is going to remain friends with her. Only a H with something going on would draw a line in the sand like that.

 

GEL

Hi there Ive put it on "infidelity" post but have more replies on this post

[GreenEyedLady]

Hi there Ive put it on "infidelity" post but have more replies on this post

 

You'll get more tomorrow morning. Alot of the East Coasters are in bed by now.

 

Just take care of yourself.

 

GEL

[whichwayisup]

Hes passworded everything

 

Then this IS a sign he's up to no good. If he had nothing to hide then you seeing and having access to his email would be no problem..

[Adri Ana]

I thought the relationship was just friends but a couple of months I discovered he had been keeping daily email contact and they were talking about me and our relationship. (Not in a good light I may add).

 

Am I paranoid?

 

 

 

The fact that they are contacting each other and seeing in each other more fulfillment than in their own spouses is clear .

It happens and it is so strong that it would be really hard to let her out of his head till he decides to do that himself .

 

But the words I quoted you are telling here :

 

THIS IS A BETRAYAL .

 

Even if the husband f*cks another woman/women ,

though this is a betrayal as well ,

it is not as hurting as when the spouse is telling about his

own spouse bad things to some OM/OW !

 

This is a LOW QUALITY of a person ,

this shows he is too low,dear ...

Telling anyone bad things of his spouse ...

It is sooo low .

Even when divorced even then people have to keep some dignity,I guess,

not telling bad of their exes even .

 

 

If he says bad things of you ,

that means he is a fool that married you at all , so bad you ??

 

It is a betrayal .. just this fact he is talking of you ..

He is a very low person .

He has no respect for you ,

he has no respect actually neither for himself nor for the OW .

------------------------------------------------

The chemistry they have between them themselves will only increase if you act against them ,

be clever - [act according to your upper smartness].

[Trojan John]

I think you may be reading too much into this, not that your suspicions are unwarranted. It's just that based on the evidence, I'm not convinced that he's up to anything. I can understand and agree with you not wanting them to talk about you without your knowledge, though. With regards to password encrypting his e-mail... well, it is his private e-mail. That he showed you the e-mails should cast aside a good deal of doubt.

 

Men and women can have close friendships that are non-sexual in nature. It's not that uncommon.

 

**EDIT**

 

Just noticed your other thread where you put more information. Disregard the above. It does sound as if he fancies her. I have close female friends, but I would never sign my e-mails with "love, TJ". Bisous is as far as it goes.

[zilgurl]

Yes there is more. One of the earlier emails he wrote to her - quote " I think what I enjoy about the way you and I talk is that we have some knowledge of communication and dynamics and we can talk and explore in a way that becomes creative and powerful. Well at least thats how I find our communication. It feels like being able to play tennis with someone who can hit the ball back.

(Im giggling over that -where did that analogy come from?) I also think you have an amazing sense of being present to people and of holding the space for presence to emerge. It is a beautiful quality and I enjoy it a lot. I still remember that 10 days we had and the conversations we shared. They were a very special 10 days for me." He goes on and then signs it -" Lots of Love..."

[whichwayisup]

I'm telling you - PACK HIS BAGS, and get him out of your house. Right now he has NO intention of fixing things..He's too busy being selfish, only thinking of himself.

[2sure]

He is having an affair. Period. Not all affairs include , or start with physical sex. But that doesnt change the fact that it is an affair and damaging your marriage just as any infidelity does.

 

Couple that with the fact that your H, upon your discovery of the affair - makes no apology and insists that you accept it.

 

With any infidelity, the initial heavy lifting must come from the betrayed spouse. Your H, at this time, is so caught up with his own needs and the fantasy relationship this affair has developed - that he is unwilling to give it up as well as unable to understand what he is doing.

 

The first step is to reveal the affair. Whether he likes it or not. Whether there is to be recovery or divorce. There is nothing in the middle, if this isnt done , it WILL continue (with her or someone else). Call her H and tell him what you have discovered and that it makes you uncomfortable. No sense in calling her - she has already decided to betray you.

 

Revealing the affair will give you some help in stopping it. Stopping it, even against your H's will does 2 things. It creates a window of opportunity for communication between the spouses w/o the OW directly involved. Its a window that helps break the affair fog. Revealing the A also stops you from being the only victim suffering the consequences of their actions. They think its harmless because they feel no pain.

[LaGazelle]

He is having an affair. Period. Not all affairs include , or start with physical sex. But that doesnt change the fact that it is an affair and damaging your marriage just as any infidelity does.

 

Couple that with the fact that your H, upon your discovery of the affair - makes no apology and insists that you accept it.

 

With any infidelity, the initial heavy lifting must come from the betrayed spouse. Your H, at this time, is so caught up with his own needs and the fantasy relationship this affair has developed - that he is unwilling to give it up as well as unable to understand what he is doing.

 

The first step is to reveal the affair. Whether he likes it or not. Whether there is to be recovery or divorce. There is nothing in the middle, if this isnt done , it WILL continue (with her or someone else). Call her H and tell him what you have discovered and that it makes you uncomfortable. No sense in calling her - she has already decided to betray you.

 

Revealing the affair will give you some help in stopping it. Stopping it, even against your H's will does 2 things. It creates a window of opportunity for communication between the spouses w/o the OW directly involved. Its a window that helps break the affair fog. Revealing the A also stops you from being the only victim suffering the consequences of their actions. They think its harmless because they feel no pain.

 

2Sure, great advice. The thread was moved to infidelity section, so Zilgurl might miss your sage advice. If you like, perhaps it might be worth copying and pasting it there.