What does OP do when BS knows???

[nocontact2]

I have spoke to my MM BW several times. Even left messages on the home phone, given her my phone number, been totally honest with her about everything...especially length of our relationship and our children.

 

Of course, this doesnt make my MM happy when I do this. But he doesnt leave me. He says she doesnt care about me, doesnt want to talk about me, hear about me, period. I am something in "HIS" life and is has nothing to do with her. So leave her out of it.

 

As far as the children go, she said their are his it is his choice she will never hold anything against innocent children and they can come around, but I am never to be included in any of that time.

 

So, is this normal???? Do they have like an arrangement in their marriage? When I ask MM about it he says his marriage is not my business.

 

So, So, So Confused!!!!!

[me003]

I'm not sure what you are asking for. Did you want to be the 3rd person in the marriage?

 

BS will look the other way. MM is telling you to stay out of his marriage and you continue. BS is saying that your kids are welcome but you are not. I TOTALLY agree with that. If he is not placing you as #1, then give it up.

 

I know sometimes as OW like to hear how much MM love their OW and how they can't live without OW, but in your case this is not evident. Maybe I need to read your other posts.

 

Sometimes I think that places like LS are a great help for people, but I think you really need to talk to a professional. You had children with MM and if he is not leaving BS for you then you will be forever hidden. BS knows of you and your children so stop calling the house and leaving messages.

 

The messages could be used against you and your mental state could be called into eveidence and your children could be taken. They could turn this whole thing around and make you look like a crazy person who is not fit to raise kids. Then BS can be raising your kids and living you without visitation. Think 3 times before you act.

 

I wish you the best of luck for you and your children

[nocontact2]

I have decided not to call the home anymore...unless in labor and cant reach him on his cell...because what does it accomplish???

 

She knows everything, she knows obviously we continue to see each other because our children our like little stair steps - one right after another...

 

She is much older than me (a year older than my mom) but she was never rude when she spoke to me. She knows he has had other affairs throughout their marriage. But none resulting of children and none for so long.

 

We have I guess you would call a mononogomus affiar???? I know I am only other woman...and i know he loves me...but he would lose half of everything if he divorced. and i have close friends who have seen them together in a social setting. They work a room like business partners, not husband and wife.

 

But strangley he tells me "i am happily married"...well, i say how can you be "happily married" and in a relationship with me for so long and in love with me? He said I cant judge the morality of a marriage.

[jj33]

The person i was involved with had a similar arrangement. What it means is that they have decided that what he does when he is not with the family, doing family things is none of her concern. The marriage is an instition, the family in the broader sense is what is important.

 

It also means that she sees you like a fly at a BBQ. Something that is there, that is an annoyance, but nothing that needs to be worried about, its not going to ruin anything because he is never leaving and will always put her first.

 

It means there is a 99% chance you are f*cked if you think he is ever leaving.

 

Because look at it, he has EVERYTHING. Would you ever give him that kind of freedom if he left to be with you? Dont think so (I wouldnt have)

 

He has managed a cake eaters paradise. Its possible she has As too but the foundation of their marriage is based on other things and they see their lovers as just part of the rest of their lives.

 

I found it very odd as I used to stay at one of their houses with him alot. Neighbors could have seen me, people (including adult children) could have shown up at any time but ??

 

thats their deal. You will always be on the outside.

 

Its not a good place to be.

[nocontact2]

i dont know if thats why I have my "roller coaster" moments at times every few months its very difficult for me to understand how he can be happily married but then love me, make love to me, make a family with me, but go home to her?

 

What happens when "empty nest" syndrome hits in a year or so??? And its just her and him in the homes???

 

I've never in my life had a more emotionally difficult relationship as I do with this one. But I have also never loved as passionately as i do in this relationship. I dont know if the children make it more difficult for me at times, or if like today him taking our oldest to his "yearly family home" to play all afternoon makes it better - it was a 1st time for that.

 

Its like he is two people having double life....

[jj33]

Of course that is why its a roller coaster. And the empty nest may not matter. After all he has total freedom to do whatever he wants to do.

 

He can still see you. Still be married, not split his assets. Why should he leave?

 

hes told you he is happily married. You need to believe him.

[nocontact2]

but in a happy marriage arent they totally fulfilled (both them) and not seek outside companionship?

 

How can he love me and be happily married? I feel married to him in my heart and I am not interested in any other man. I dont even find other men attractive.

 

It is not for lack of them trying...lots of men ask me out all the time because I guess I am not wearing a ring...but even when I am really showing pregnant men ask me out (which I find gross)...

 

Maybe my idea of what a happy marriage is is wrong???? Maybe the reason I am on a roller coaster is my fault?? When I get like that he always says he forgives me but not to do it again, and if I love him so much why would I want to behave in a way that would drive him away from me and our children?

 

I dont know...maybe he is right? Maybe he is happily married???

[bentnotbroken]

but in a happy marriage arent they totally fulfilled (both them) and not seek outside companionship?

 

How can he love me and be happily married? I feel married to him in my heart and I am not interested in any other man. I dont even find other men attractive.

 

It is not for lack of them trying...lots of men ask me out all the time because I guess I am not wearing a ring...but even when I am really showing pregnant men ask me out (which I find gross)...

 

Maybe my idea of what a happy marriage is is wrong???? Maybe the reason I am on a roller coaster is my fault?? When I get like that he always says he forgives me but not to do it again, and if I love him so much why would I want to behave in a way that would drive him away from me and our children?

I dont know...maybe he is right? Maybe he is happily married???

 

 

You think...maybe....it is your fault ? Stop acting like the jealous wife who is pissed he is spending time with his mistress while you and the children wait dutifully at home. Remember that role was already taken when you joined this little drama. Each of them have chosen their roles:sick:, produce the show, and direct the next scene. You are an "extra". You can be dismissed at anytime(and apparently have been dismissed emotionally) and you have been told by the people in charge to but out of the management issues. Why not listen for once?

[Adunaphel]

I think it would be wise to believe him when he says he is happily married.

Unfortunately it sounds like he is fine with how things are. He probably loves you in his own way... problem is, is it enough for you?

I know I would have problems feeling loved with someone who not only has no intention to leave, but also says that his marriage is not my business...

it *is* your business too as long as you stay with him.

I am not sure if your story falls into the 'affairs' cathegory... but the matter is, are you happy with what you have now?

Are you supposed to be in an exclusive relationship?

I surely would start looking around and seeing other people if I were you. As he is staying... his marriage in none of your business...it would be just fair!

[grogster]

but in a happy marriage arent they totally fulfilled (both them) and not seek outside companionship?

 

How can he love me and be happily married? I feel married to him in my heart and I am not interested in any other man. I dont even find other men attractive.

 

It is not for lack of them trying...lots of men ask me out all the time because I guess I am not wearing a ring...but even when I am really showing pregnant men ask me out (which I find gross)...

 

Maybe my idea of what a happy marriage is is wrong???? Maybe the reason I am on a roller coaster is my fault?? When I get like that he always says he forgives me but not to do it again, and if I love him so much why would I want to behave in a way that would drive him away from me and our children?

 

I dont know...maybe he is right? Maybe he is happily married???

 

Families often survive even when marriages do not. The BS is doing everything in her power, possibly even at the sacrifice of her ultimate happiness, to keep her family together and a father for her children.

 

She's a lioness.

 

As for you, you'll always come in second, if at all.

[jj33]

You have to stop applying your concept of what marriage is to MM and his W. Its their marriage not yours.

 

It might not be the marriage You would want, but its the marriage they have and are happy with.

 

So yes you are wrong. he is happy with the status quo. hes got it all.

 

For the first several months I didnt believe it either. My own values of what a marriage is are nothing like that. I assumed he was on his way out (or that she was or they both were) otherwise how could they live that way. But I soon realized I was wrong. Thats the way it is. Its not as uncommon as you would think.

 

Sometimes people have been married for a long time, the "love" and passion is gone they may not even really like the people the other have become, but they have a family, they have a life and they dont want to change all that when they can "outsource" other portions of what you and I would consider to be sacred in a marriage.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Being happily married means you are content with the way things are, and the lifestyle that comes with it. For some though, it gets monotonous and boring, so they seek out an affair to knock the dust off of the 'in love' part of the brain.

 

To put a fine point on it: plenty of people want affairs, not divorces.

 

The problem comes when OP assumes that 'affair' = 'wants a divorce'. Generally speaking, nothing could be further from the truth.

 

As for the wife, I suspect that her marriage is going along with only the minor hitch of you in their lives, and that she is enjoying the lifestyle she has always had with him because of his apparent ability to compartmentalize. I'm sure he has made it perfectly clear to her that he does not want a divorce.

 

I am reminded of an earlier time in history where the lord of the manor would have illegitimate children with the chambermaid or the kitchen girl, and the family would simply pretend that they didn't exist except for the most minor of inconveniences of having a quietly kept 'underclass' hidden in the servants quarters.

 

Seriously, I wouldn't stand for it. I'd move as far away as possible, get whatever child support I could, and cut MM and his W out of your life to the greatest extent you can and start a new life somewhere else.

 

Otherwise, your children are going to be subjected to the same 'underclass' treatment you are getting. Do you really want your children growing up like that?

[MistyK]

But strangely he tells me "i am happily married"...well, i say how can you be "happily married" and in a relationship with me for so long and in love with me? He said I cant judge the morality of a marriage.

This might be one of those times to take him at his word. Of course he's happy, he's having it both ways. Whatever he misses in the M, he gets from you and both you and the BW are apparently totally ok with that. Don't read the tea leaves to try to see something that just isn't there.

 

And what happens then if you try to discuss something that does concern you - the morality of an A? He sounds like the kind of person that is terribly concerned with outward appearances to the exclusion of anything that really matters.

 

What kind of intimacy do you really have with him when he shuts you out of discussing such a huge part of his life? He has this whole situation totally under control, and it is exactly how he wants it.

 

I would bet big money that he has continued to screw his W throughout your whole A. After all, he is "happily married". So, are you really ok with that? You ok living in a parallel universe? Your life could be so much more away from him.

[Gamine]

I have decided not to call the home anymore...unless in labor and cant reach him on his cell...because what does it accomplish???

 

She knows everything, she knows obviously we continue to see each other because our children our like little stair steps - one right after another...

 

She is much older than me (a year older than my mom) but she was never rude when she spoke to me. She knows he has had other affairs throughout their marriage. But none resulting of children and none for so long.

 

We have I guess you would call a mononogomus affiar???? I know I am only other woman...and i know he loves me...but he would lose half of everything if he divorced. and i have close friends who have seen them together in a social setting. They work a room like business partners, not husband and wife.

 

But strangley he tells me "i am happily married"...well, i say how can you be "happily married" and in a relationship with me for so long and in love with me? He said I cant judge the morality of a marriage.

 

 

Perhaps they have an open marriage.

[norajane]

But strangley he tells me "i am happily married"...well, i say how can you be "happily married" and in a relationship with me for so long and in love with me? He said I cant judge the morality of a marriage.

 

They say an OW never really knows what goes on between MM and his W. And it's true, regardless of the situation. You're on the outside looking in.

 

Since you and she have spoken, and since MM is telling you he is happy, then you must accept that their marriage is what it is and neither one of them are at all interested in changing anything about it.

 

One could ask you a similar question...how can you be in an affair with a MM for so long? How can you keep having children with him when you know he is married and has no intention of divorcing?

[whichwayisup]

It works for them, whatever reasons they have for staying together, obviously each of them are fine with it. Seems you're the one who has the problems accepting things as they are.

 

If you can accept your role to him as his OW, and end your hopes of him leaving his wife and kids to be with you and your kids, then everyone is happy.

 

One question, less than a week ago you were thinking of suing him and you were pissed off. What happened that made you calm down and do a 180?

[MistyK]

It works for them, whatever reasons they have for staying together, obviously each of them are fine with it. Seems you're the one who has the problems accepting things as they are.

 

If you can accept your role to him as his OW, and end your hopes of him leaving his wife and kids to be with you and your kids, then everyone is happy.

 

One question, less than a week ago you were thinking of suing him and you were pissed off. What happened that made you calm down and do a 180?

 

I'm guessing it's because he took their oldest kids to his house. It gave her a good nice round of false hope that he might want to legitimize the family he has with her. This guy knows exactly what buttons to push.

[hoping2heal]

I have decided not to call the home anymore...unless in labor and cant reach him on his cell...because what does it accomplish???

 

She knows everything, she knows obviously we continue to see each other because our children our like little stair steps - one right after another...

 

She is much older than me (a year older than my mom) but she was never rude when she spoke to me. She knows he has had other affairs throughout their marriage. But none resulting of children and none for so long.

 

We have I guess you would call a mononogomus affiar???? I know I am only other woman...and i know he loves me...but he would lose half of everything if he divorced. and i have close friends who have seen them together in a social setting. They work a room like business partners, not husband and wife.

 

But strangley he tells me "i am happily married"...well, i say how can you be "happily married" and in a relationship with me for so long and in love with me? He said I cant judge the morality of a marriage.

 

Based on the first few lines of this post, and your previous posts. It seems to me the only reason you contacted her in the first place was to stir the pot at home, and you feel there's no point in trying to contact her because she knows what's going on and it didn't rock as many boats as you were hoping by contacting her, and she didn't leave him or throw him out (probably also what you were hoping).

 

You seem extremely manipulative and you seem very self centered, I worry about this child because of the two main role models in it's life. Him and you, I hope you grow out of this before your child is old enough to start taking cliffs notes on life from you.

 

You've mentioned his wife is aware he's had other affairs. I'm sure of all the were deluded into thinking they were something special but obviously based on his track record they were not, it just so happens he got one of them knocked up, I'm sure that really put a cramp on his plans, but I highly doubt he's going to stop his affairs with you. Afterall, he has children with his wife and that never stopped him.

 

I don't know, but it sounds to me like you're both about to get a big dose of what you deserve, hopefully in time you'll learn from it and decide to grow and evolve as a person.

[me003]

Of course he is happily married. He has everything and whatever he doesn't get at home he gets outside. Please remember that he can still love BS yet not be IN LOVE with her. I love my friends but I'm not in love with them.

 

Some people leave home at 17 or 18 while others say there till they get married. Why leave a place where you are loved and things are done for you? He comes and goes as he pleases. They may have an open marriage but also they may also have a contract in which he could loose it all.

 

I think I read last time that he is rich, well is he the rich person or is she? Some people put assets in their spouses names so if any legal problems arise their assets don't get taken.

 

regardless of what we might thing, BS is sticking by MM and MM is sticking by BS.

Why do you have to call him at home to tell him if you are going into labor? doesn't he a cellphone?

[nocontact2]

yes he has cell, but i cant always get through to him immediately.

[MistyK]

yes he has cell, but i cant always get through to him immediately.

 

Does his W know you are preg again? Or would that be your way of telling her in hopes of sending her over the edge? I seem to recall you gave birth alone the last times, why would he suddenly want to be there this time - has he said so?

[fooled once]

What did you hope would happen by you calling HIS home and speaking to HIS wife?

 

Did you think it would enrage her and she would ditch him? Is that what you were hoping for?

 

Didn't happen did it? Not even with you maybe purposefully getting pregnant. SHE STILL HAS HIM and you don't.

 

He doesn't love you. Nope. Cause if he did, he would be with you.

 

Like someone said, you are nothing more than a fly to her. You can keep having kids, but she is the one wearing his ring. She is the one who he comes home to. She is the one who sleeps in his bed, does his laundry (per say) and cooks his dinner.

 

She is the one who is on his arm at functions - not you.

 

When THEIR children get married, they will be the ones at the wedding, standing together, NOT YOU.

 

I agree, you sound manipulative and irresponsible.

 

I feel so bad for your children. they have NO good role models to look to.

[Apple_juice]

 

She is much older than me (a year older than my mom) but she was never rude when she spoke to me. She knows he has had other affairs throughout their marriage.

 

They work a room like business partners, not husband and wife.

But strangley he tells me "i am happily married"...well, i say how can you be "happily married" and in a relationship with me for so long and in love with me?

 

It's not strange at all that he could be happily married.

 

Have you ever thought that maybe his wife possesses qualities that you don't have (and of course vice versa, that's why he's with you)

 

As previous posters have said he's having it all. (ie: you could have the youth and passion, while the wife has the maturity, experience and wisdom - 'working like business partners' indicates that she's also a bright woman). The question is once youth and passion has run out, what else is there you can offer?

 

Will this man grow tired of you trying to push the game rules he set & will he move to the next young thing?

 

It's not his wife you should be concerned about, her spot has always been fixed. Whereas yours has been filled with many previously. It's potential new affairs you should be keeping an eye for. You should try to cover your bases first (future of your children, your heart, independence, security etc) before plotting for a more ambitious plan.

 

 

As for the BS, i can't help not to admire her for responding to you graciously (whatever the reasons might be).

[nocontact2]

I dont believe he will ever leave me or our children. I have tried to self-destroy our relationship several times...I did things that I thought he would never forgive me for, like calling his wife. Thinking he would end our relationship and that would be it. Because I cant end it. I cant stay away from him.

 

Bad part is, he cant stay away from me either. We've cried, fought, made-up, done everything we could do to each other and we have pretty much ran out of things to possibly have reason to leave each other.

 

He "CAN'T" leave his wife not that he "WON'T" as he says. but as everyone here posts it seems a happy marriage can indeed include an OP in the mix. So, I suppose as long as he still lights me up like no other, and I do not have any attraction for other men because of my love for him and our family that I will stay right where I am.

 

Oh, and someone mentioned something about me calling his wife to "stir" things up. Not true. I called because my MM is not entirely known for his honesty to either of us, so I wanted to go straight to her so she knew eyes open what was honestly going on...we were expecting our 3rd child...and her eyes are open going into this. Because just as she obviously isnt going anywhere, neither am I.

 

She knows completely that we have a family together, so her staying, she has no one to lay blame at saying she never knew...I was honest with her. She obviously doesnt care what he does...So, I guess i dont feel like the OW anymore because I get more the feeling that they are roommates, business partners and thats about it. I do not believe they have a physical relationship at all anymore. And he travels so much just to tell me he is in his hotel room alone in bed when he calls me at night, just like i am alone in bed.

 

I guess, this is how happily married people behave...makes me think again about wanting to be married if this is the way it is...

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe someday you will be able to breath deeply again...right after you take your head out of the sand. Wow:eek: you really don't have the right to say anything about her reasons for what she does. If he were to die today, you kids will probably be recognized, but you will still be the OW and she will comforted and respected as the wife.