Surprising Downside to NC...

[StoptheDrama]

Having been through this before trying to end it so many times in the past I was ready for the hurt, sadness, feelings of loss, etc but I'm totally surprised by this rush of anger I am feeling. I want to yell at him, let him know what an a** I think he is, how he hurt me and played me but I can't. To do so would only re-engage him and I can't afford right now to do that. I'm making progress and I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize that.

 

It's been one week since I told him not to contact me outside of work. It was a short email, to the point. What does he do? Calls me at work and apologizes...got to love it! I am beside myself with anger right now. Not just because he once again does not respect my wishes to not be contacted but because of all of the lies, crap, manipulation and overall bulls*** from the A. I actually found myself calling him to confront him. Fortunately he didn't answer. I left a message that I called because I was so angry and that I would not do it again. What does he do? Calls to apologize that he didn't mean to make me angry today (he left vm, I didn't answer)...WTF??? Is he really that stupid to think that I'm angry just because of today? Does he not realize the crap that he has pulled? Or does he really think that I'm that stupid that I don't know what was going on???

 

AAARRGGGHHH!!! This anger is frustrating and I can't confront him! I feel like he's once again playing games and, if I confront him, I will only play into it.

 

I needed to get that out. I'm going for a walk. I need to cool down.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't see it as a downside. Its progress just like you said. Feeling that anger will allow you to get him out of your system.

 

And its good for you that you know that expressing anything to him is only going to put him back into your orbit.

 

Anger is progress. It passes but it can also be very productive when used the right way.

 

Good luck! You can always post here instead of yelling at him.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I felt that anger the other night. I couldn't sleep. I had a dream that we argued on our way home from our work road trip, and he pulled over and told me to get out, and I said No you get out, so he did, right in front of a truck. LOL

 

That was when I said to myself enough! what am I so angry about? I looked deeper and found some compassion for his situation, and I got up and wrote him a letter and I wasn't angry anymore. I wrote his W a letter too. Then I showed him them the next day, and tore them up.

[fooled once]

If you want him to respect you - then don't call him back to say "don't call me".

 

Just IGNORE his calls/emails/texts - whatever. He knows he can get a reaction from you and you just proved his point.

[StoptheDrama]

If you want him to respect you - then don't call him back to say "don't call me".

 

Just IGNORE his calls/emails/texts - whatever. He knows he can get a reaction from you and you just proved his point.

 

I am ignoring his attempts at contact except at work. I can't and he knows that; he's proven that. But right now ignoring him does nothing to alleviate these negative, angry emotions I am feeling. I just want to throw them back at him where they belong.

[jj33]

Stop its a no win situation.

 

He is calling to say he is sorry. You call back so he calls back again.

 

Its very difficult and I fall down on this one all the time but you cant rise to it. He doesnt know what to do at this point. You work together. He has angered you. So he apologizes. YOu yell at him, so he apologizes again.

 

And each time there is MORE communication. If you dont want communication other than work communication you need to NOT respond to him. Otherwise the cycle never ends (believe me I have lived it).

 

I have entered a new phase where I refuse to argue with him. But it took a long time. Not arguing means that there is less emotion invested. No back and forth. No emotion invested in someone with whom you have no future.

 

If you feel you MUST say something just say thanks and leave it at that. But you dont need to say anything.

 

Its the same old thing. Nothing he says or does will be right unless and until he tells you he loves you madly and shows you divorce papers. I get that I really really do. But the only thing to do is remember you work with him, and as long as you do there will be some contact and there is nothing to do but be civil. Its the price we are paying for being involved with people with whom we work.

 

Either you switch jobs or you toughen up and just ignore him. I hate to be harsh. I still get to my wits end over it, but not showing that to him has helped immensely.

 

Remember these are just ploys to get your attention.

 

If you "throw" the negativity back at him it only serves to create more communication and reassure him that you still love him.

 

Thats not the point of NC. Not to mention the fact that you do work together and you cant afford to have tension at work. Its not fair to you and its not fair to your coworkers.

 

Its a minefield but its the way it is.

[StoptheDrama]

Stop its a no win situation.

 

He is calling to say he is sorry. You call back so he calls back again.

 

Its very difficult and I fall down on this one all the time but you cant rise to it. He doesnt know what to do at this point. You work together. He has angered you. So he apologizes. YOu yell at him, so he apologizes again.

 

And each time there is MORE communication. If you dont want communication other than work communication you need to NOT respond to him. Otherwise the cycle never ends (believe me I have lived it).

 

I have entered a new phase where I refuse to argue with him. But it took a long time. Not arguing means that there is less emotion invested. No back and forth. No emotion invested in someone with whom you have no future.

 

If you feel you MUST say something just say thanks and leave it at that. But you dont need to say anything.

 

Its the same old thing. Nothing he says or does will be right unless and until he tells you he loves you madly and shows you divorce papers. I get that I really really do. But the only thing to do is remember you work with him, and as long as you do there will be some contact and there is nothing to do but be civil. Its the price we are paying for being involved with people with whom we work.

 

Either you switch jobs or you toughen up and just ignore him. I hate to be harsh. I still get to my wits end over it, but not showing that to him has helped immensely.

 

Remember these are just ploys to get your attention.

 

If you "throw" the negativity back at him it only serves to create more communication and reassure him that you still love him.

 

Thats not the point of NC. Not to mention the fact that you do work together and you cant afford to have tension at work. Its not fair to you and its not fair to your coworkers.

 

Its a minefield but its the way it is.

 

Thanks, JJ, you are so right! It's a Catch-22; I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't right now. If I confront him, I re-engage him and if I don't, I have to deal with this anger myself. I have to find other ways to get it out. Walking, among other things, has helped but right now I could walk to France and I'd still be angry!

 

At work, it's easier for me because I am being VERY careful to not reveal anything but when I'm alone, all of the emotions surface. I hope this passes soon. I absolutely hate feeling this way. It's just another reminder of my stupidity in getting involved with him in the first place.

 

& no, you weren't being harsh; you were being honest and I appreciate that.

[jj33]

I am the same way. I hate being around him but when I am alone its worse because it all plays back. But the less you focus on it and the less emotion you invest in it the easier it becomes.

 

And take your anger and focus it on other things. Excel at work. Take up a new sport. Clean your house top to bottom whatever it is that helps you in addition to walking. Use the energy for you. Dont let it turn into depression or overeating or other unhealthy things (my mistake that I am now rectifying - this thing really turnd me upside down and I am only just turning things around).

 

Hang in there you can do this.