Love, Confusion and trying to move on ...

[Nitrogen]

I found this site last night ... I'm so thankful to have finally found what i think is the appropriate venue to share what I've been keeping bottled up inside for just about a year now (sorry for the length).

 

It started innocently enough – she was lonely in her marriage of almost 10 years and I’ve been newly transplanted in a new city with little social outlets.

 

We met at a business event at which her H was a guest of my company. We quite casually talked for a good hour before I even realized she was with our group let alone married to someone in it. I’ve never hit it off with someone so fast. You could tell that night there was something unique going on. Fast forward a few days and I get contacted online by her – I’m thinking it’s innocent enough – we’re both lonely people that live 1000 miles apart and what could happen right? I’m not one of those people who craves relationships as I haven’t even attempted to be in one for 3 years (even casually) so I never really expected much more than someone I get along very well with to talk to. Most of my friends are female, It’s a recurring theme in my life and the last thing I ever expected was to be the OM.

 

Fast forward a week or two. We’re both being very friendly – she’s trying to help me get out of my social rut – and I’m trying to get her back actively engaged in her marriage. Things take a left turn beyond an instant friendship. We tell each other things that even our closest of friends don’t know. We feel completely safe and comfortable with each other. Somewhere along the journey we both realized we are very much the same person and the intuitive nature of our friendship started to venture into that other primal attraction. We’re 1000 miles apart so all this is all pretty much a fantasy at this point.

 

We decide we need to see each other again. This decision happened after extensive discussions about me not wanting to break up a marriage – her agreeing – but us both deciding we need to figure out what’s going on with this connection we’ve never had before (definitely the first mistake – but as much as I only half heartedly regret the decision – I’d definitely regret for the rest of my life not finding out what this was all about despite knowing what I know now). The first 8 hours of the trip were indescribable in very much a fairy tale sort of way – like we couldn’t believe we found each other and we’re exactly what the other person was always missing. Then she breaks down when reality hits her that she’s in a marriage with two small children and as much as she wants to everything with me she just can’t – totally a decision I can respect and i'm happy to disappear if that's what she needs.

 

She told her H about her feelings toward me a few days after the trip (not the details of how we got there) and called to break off all contact. Three days later I get another message that she cant deal with the grief “like the death of a loved one” and she needs to rehab “us” more slowly. Here’s where the cycle begins for the next 8 months.

 

We’d talk off an on for a while – sense things getting out of hand again and then break things off again. I jokingly would throw a few digits onto the amount of “breakups” we’ve had each time we thought that that one would stick. Each time we’d come to the realization that we had to stop, we’d both share some tears and that would be that … until we repeated another cycle trying to figure out how in ANY limited capacity how to stay in each others lives – it never worked as much as we both tried with all our hearts.

 

4 months ago I found myself in her city again during one of the cycles where we were talking off an on casually. We haven’t seen each other in person since that first trip. We decided to have dinner to see if we can make being friends work – because obviously a relationship wont and not being in each other’s lives on any level is driving us both slowly insane. We pick right up where we left off. We’re completely enjoying each others company. We were sitting at the bar just having a wonderful time – totally thinking this friend thing is going to work out. Someone said something to invoke a spontaneous hug – and then almost seconds later there was kissing and then things slowly deteriorated into just being all over eachother – it was that moment we KNEW being friends was impossible (although we already really knew). It was a very good night with little to no resolution to us other than what we already suspected was going on.

 

We broke it off again after that night. She had her blog where I could keep tabs on her life and I had mine where she could do the same. We both knew the other person was doing okay and that was all we needed for the next 3 months. Then stories started to get personal and we were communicating again without really talking to each other. Things were implied, messages were hidden in and among the mundane reports. We danced this dance for a few days and then I was on an airplane again. 3 months of no communication, not a single conversation or peep – and again it was like we didn’t miss a day.

 

This time we managed to spend a whole weekend together. What a great weekend! We didn’t do anything in particular of anything meaningful to anyone other than ourselves. We were just so content to have the time with each other that what we did was really of little importance. We realized that if we can not talk for that long and still feel that contentment that our connection is really never going to go away. We initiated our “breakup” cycle at the end of that trip and a few days later after endless tears from both of us it was over again.

 

Everything thing we’ve ever done has always been testing ourselves and our feelings and ever test we pass if you assume we’re meant to be together. We fail horribly if you assume we are to live independent lives.

 

She’s committed to her children and wants them to grow up with their father even if that means she’s not completely content – again a decision I can respect as much as I think it’s the wrong one for her. Its not that she doesn’t love her H anymore either – its just that she has everything she’s ever imagined she wanted out of life and she’s realizing its not exactly what she thought she wanted. She wants more than that life will ever offer her. She won’t take action on any of it for the sake of her children.

 

Now keep this in mind – we’ve only been together in person for under 48 hours. The rest of everything we have is all tied up in messages, notes, emails, blog entries which I still have record of since day 1 (something in me told me it would be important to save these things). I can go back and reference a conversation verbatim – see what was said, what was implied, where things were right and where things went wrong. I think most relationships are built on familiarity with the other person – they build over time and flourish under this familiarity. We don’t have that. What we have is intuitive. You can ask me obscure details of her life and honestly I just don’t know. However if you ask me how she thinks about something or a situation I can answer with 95% accuracy because honestly its pretty much how I would think about that something. We’re long lost twins … we share a brain … I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.

 

So here we are with what I need a bit of help with. We haven’t spoken in a month. This last “breakup” I had to be the strong one and tell her I can’t ride this roller coaster anymore as much as the highs completely over shadow the lows. I had a week or two where I was completely miserable to have to make that decision but I was doing quite well after. She’ll always be on my mind but it was no longer running in circles trying to figure out how to keep her in my life.

 

Then on Monday I get a phone call at 1am. I’m 32 so I’m in bed by 10 or 11 every night. It’s the H. After a month of not talking and not really obsessing anymore I’m completely caught off guard. Add that on top of being completely a sleep and I’m a babbling idiot.

 

He cant go on with his life without finding out what I was thinking apparently. So I start rambling – telling him where it started and how the outcome was never my intent. I’ve run through conversations with him in my head a million times – so many things I want to tell him he needs to be more aware of so she can try to find happiness in this life she’s chosen without me. I really just want her to be happy – always have – and I have to remind myself quite often that I’m not in charge or control of that happiness. I forgot everything because it hasn’t been on my mind for weeks.

 

So yesterday he comments on my blog (which has been whipped clean of every anything and been more or less abandoned since the last breakup). He tells me that he knows everything and I need to delete my own blog. I wouldn’t delete it for her, I only emptied it out of literally every single post. So why would I delete it for him?

 

I’m out of touch / out of contact – I have no clue what she’s been up to for the last month and I can only assume shes trying to settle back in to the life she’s chosen by coming clean. Good for her? My problem is that I need to have this stop popping up in my life (as much as I miss her and want to be with her). I need to ignore everything to be able to function (I cant forget it so ignoring it is the best I can do). When she pops up it literally takes me days to recover and now the H is popping up too which is more than i can handle.

 

I’m assuming keeping my mouth shut and not responding to anything is the best course of action? I don’t want her (I could care less about him at this point) to think that I’m going out of my way to make things more difficult for her … but I have to think about me first. I’m done doing things for either of them … I think … just need some support here one way or the other.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read me ramble on and any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Reggie]

A couple things jump to mind. First, where does your moral code figure into this? She is married with kids and her husband is a fellow human being. Have you considered the impact on these other folks/

Second, you know very little about what she is like, day to day> has it dawned on you that you may not be seeing the real her?

Third, if you were together, what do you think her kids would think of you and the impact you have had on their dad and them?

Fourth(guees this is more than a coule), could either of you trust each other , having witnessed the deception from each other/

Fifth, what would her family think of you and any relationship formed this way? How about your own family? Do they accept infidelity?

I know you may think your situation is unique. But, your story, these feelings that have not reallybeen tested by the crucible of a real relationship, is extremely common. The connection you feel is not real, although it feels like it.

Hard as it is, you need to start relying on your intellect and morals, rather than your feelings You have way too many strikes against you with the aforementioned issues for this to have much of a chance to survive, longterm. Unromantic, eh? Watch and see how this plays out if you continue.

[Nitrogen]

Thanks for the response and the assistance.

 

I'm really looking to NOT have to have anything continue here anymore. My first thoughts were always about how this affected the other people in this indirectly (the H and children). I should have stopped then but control in that regard slipped out of where i could manage it.

 

We always said if she wasn't with her H than she probably wouldn't be with me either for exactly the reasons you've listed. We're not trying to get to that point - we're trying to deal with the feelings of loss each in our own separate way.

 

My way of dealing is pretending none of it exists anymore and i go out of my way to NOT talk to her. Her way of dealing is to slowly cut off ties - which makes it all to easy to take a step backward. Our means of coping are conflicting.

 

If this were easy or logical obviously our respective moral compasses would have stopped everything a long time ago (we both think we aren't that type of person - although apparently we are). Its not ... its a struggle ... and its hard to know what's right anymore ...

 

i just want to be content with moving on and i don't know how other than to ignore everything as it relates to this situation (and that doesn't exactly make me content).

[Reggie]

As hard as it is to be terribly sympathetic(I was in her BH's position), I guees i view the feelings as akin to those associated with nay romantic breakup, although I recognize the distinction in that neither of you dumped the other for reasons other then the complications of an affair.

In that regard, I supect time and no contact are the things that will cause the feelings to, eventually , subside.

I think you need to be very firm and abide by no contact. If she will not, then you need to implement measures that will force her to, such as changing your e-mail and phone number.

Also, I think you might want to do a lot of reflection on what it is within you that allowed you to engage in this. Contrary to the common belief, fostered largely by media and romantic fiction, her husband and kids are going to be very traumatized by this. It is not something many folks ever completely recover from, and many therapists believe it is one of the most painful and traumatic of life's events. Perhaps you were unaware of this.

But, there is a very good chance that you participated in something that not only will cause her H years of pain, but may spell the end of their marriage, thus adversely affecting the kids severely.

So, presuming you have a conscience, you need to really take a look at what happened to you and how you reached this level of lack of empathy for your fellow human beings.

I sense you doo have a conscience, unlike some other affair partners and that this may haunt you for a long time. Perhaps you need therapy to explore this about yourself.