Alone either way

[mercifulheavens]

I am mid-30's, married for 11 years, 3 children. I have been in an affair with a married man for just over a year now.

 

My husband is active-duty military. He is gone for months at a time. He is a good man yet our sex and emotional life is lacking and has been for years. I spent many years chasing him.. trying to get him to "plug in" and love me passionately the way that I loved him. About 2 years ago I gave up trying to live through and for him and decided to just create my own life. I made a career change and became much more satisfied within myself. I was satisfied with this life.. not happy but satisfied. I was finding my success, admiration, attention outside the marriage and that was enough.

 

Enter my lover. He's in the same field although our work interaction is miniscule. He's very loving and caring yet has a fairly dominating and extremely alpha-male personality. I am fairly submissive sexually and so is my husband so this "force of nature" caught me a bit off guard. I developed a little crush and he sensed it and instantly went into full-on seduction. I caved and began the affair just after my husband left on his last deployment.

 

I love him. I believe that he loves me. I have told him that I want to be with him, that I would divorce my husband to make that happen. I'm not 100% sure that is true, but it felt true at the time. We both have children and he is unwilling to leave his spouse and child. He has never been anything but clear about that.

 

I am thinking about divorcing my husband, but can't bear to think of the pain it will cause. I feel like there is a chance that I am not thinking clearly because of my involvement with the other man and I need to end that relationship so that I can make clear decisions about my marriage.

 

Well, this is taking a long time to type. The other man called and we had a tear-filled conversation and told him that I want no contact with him while I figure things out. He agreed to abide by that decision.

 

So there you have it. I am left with a broken marriage to decide whether or not to end. If I stay married I am alone, both physically and emotionally, but I'm rather used to that. It's been that way for years. If I leave my marriage, I am still alone and everyone's lives are upset.

 

What to do?

[jj33]

leave your husband.

 

then when you feel strong enough leave the MM

 

you now know you can create a happy life for yourself

 

 

thtere weill be a single man out there who wants the same thing you want

[sugarmomma]

Sounds like you're not getting your needs met by either of them ( your husband or MM). I agree with jj that you should drop both of them and go out and create the life you want for yourself instead of waiting on men who can't/won't give you what you deserve.

[mercifulheavens]

Ugh. I can't even think about a single man who wants what I want right now. I don't know what I want right now. I know I want peace. I want tranquility. I want to be happy.

 

I thought I was satisfied with my life the way it was.. but this affair showed me that love could still happen for me. It started out as a very clear "sex-only" relationship. However, that changed quickly for both of us. For a while that was okay, but I am sick of lying and sneaking around. It has to stop. I can't respect myself living this way.

 

But this affair changed me, showed me that I could love and be loved. It opened a window to what I didn't even know I wanted. But no matter how much we love each other, the other man isn't my man, he never will be. He loves his wife and is dedicated to his marriage and his daughter. It's time to let him go, and I am at peace with that decision.

 

My husband is a good man, a good father. We don't fight, we like each other.. there's just no emotional or sexual connection. There is no love. Is it possible that now that I have let my lover go I can begin to accept the marriage for what it is?

 

Can I forget the happiness I've glimpsed? Can I forget how safe and loved I felt in the other man's arms?

 

Was that happiness ever real to begin with?

 

And if it wasn't, if it was just a combination of lust and excitement and hormones.. how do I determine that?

 

How do I know if what I have is worth saving? If it's worth settling for?

[Lyssa]

Ugh. I can't even think about a single man who wants what I want right now. I don't know what I want right now. I know I want peace. I want tranquility. I want to be happy.

 

When you have decided what you want and if what you decided includes leaving your H, perhaps you should try dating single man. You'll be surprised.

[Athena]

Hi MercifulHeavens, It looks like you were dissatisfied with 'chasing' your H and are on the road to divorcing him and moving him out of your life, and you therefore used MM as a 'stepping stone'. However, since MM is unavailable to your future, it is best you terminate the relationship with him.

 

Now that you have positioned yourself for over two years with moving ahead, and away, from your H -- and that includes emotionally, and career wise -- you 'know' you can do it.

 

I empathize with how hard it is to raise kids with the husband and father far away from the family -- I did this for over ten years out of the over twenty years of our M and kid's lives.... so... I am telling you I know how lonely it gets for you. And I recognize your strategic positioning to place yourself in a better and more satisfying life, with your job.

 

I think you have two options -- 1) tell your H of your A (or not, if you simply cannot, but I do think it's best to tell) and tell him that he can either find a different career/job and move back home on a permanent basis and work on the marriage.

2) Tell H about the A, then file for divorce.

 

People are always wary of CHANGE, but you have been recognizing that one is due; that's why you set things up this way... you were forcing a change in your life, one way or the other... now see it through!

 

Since your children are used to their father being away for long periods of time, your divorcing him will not impact their lives as much.

 

For what it's worth -- do not complicate the difficult decisions you have to make right now by continuing to see MM -- he was just useful as the Catalyst to tackle your H... don't go back to MM. There can be no good outcome with him.

[lkjh]

Divorce your H, not everything is about you and only you. Your H is in a foreign country risking his life and you are being some married guys a** on the side. You need to be on your own until you grow up enough to be in a relationship.

[fooled once]

I am mid-30's, married for 11 years, 3 children. I have been in an affair with a married man for just over a year now.

 

My husband is active-duty military. He is gone for months at a time. He is a good man yet our sex and emotional life is lacking and has been for years. I spent many years chasing him.. trying to get him to "plug in" and love me passionately the way that I loved him. About 2 years ago I gave up trying to live through and for him and decided to just create my own life. I made a career change and became much more satisfied within myself. I was satisfied with this life.. not happy but satisfied. I was finding my success, admiration, attention outside the marriage and that was enough.

 

Enter my lover. He's in the same field although our work interaction is miniscule. He's very loving and caring yet has a fairly dominating and extremely alpha-male personality. I am fairly submissive sexually and so is my husband so this "force of nature" caught me a bit off guard. I developed a little crush and he sensed it and instantly went into full-on seduction. I caved and began the affair just after my husband left on his last deployment.

 

I love him. I believe that he loves me. I have told him that I want to be with him, that I would divorce my husband to make that happen. I'm not 100% sure that is true, but it felt true at the time. We both have children and he is unwilling to leave his spouse and child. He has never been anything but clear about that.

 

I am thinking about divorcing my husband, but can't bear to think of the pain it will cause. I feel like there is a chance that I am not thinking clearly because of my involvement with the other man and I need to end that relationship so that I can make clear decisions about my marriage.

 

Well, this is taking a long time to type. The other man called and we had a tear-filled conversation and told him that I want no contact with him while I figure things out. He agreed to abide by that decision.

 

So there you have it. I am left with a broken marriage to decide whether or not to end. If I stay married I am alone, both physically and emotionally, but I'm rather used to that. It's been that way for years. If I leave my marriage, I am still alone and everyone's lives are upset.

 

What to do?

 

So while your husband is away, fighting for and protecting this country, you are sleeping around? I can't image the pain and anguish he will feel once he finds out.

 

You married a military man. With that comes deployments. Why did you marry someone who you KNEW would be gone for months at a time if you weren't willing to stand by him and be faithful?

 

My father was in the military for 30 years and he knew when he made the the decision to enter the military and make a career out of it, he would be gone for many months at a time. He and my mother decided together that while it would be extremely hard on her emotionally to have him gone and her at home raising 3 kids, it was best for the family. The sacrifices he made for us, benefited the country.

 

Yes it was hard on my mom. Yes she was lonely at times; but I know for a fact she never thought sleeping around while he was gone was the answer.

 

I suggest you keep to your word to end the affair.

 

My advice to you is to come clean to your husband AFTER he returns from his latest deployment. He doesn't need this distraction while he is gone -- it could end up getting him killed or someone he works with.

 

I also suggest getting checked for STD's. You need to let your husband know so he can be checked for STD's.

 

Maybe counseling will help you (individual counseling) and then marriage counseling to see if the marriage is salvageable.

 

In most marriages, you don't have the "high" of new love all the time. Passion ebbs and flows. You are caught up in the 'fog' of an affair. The excitement, the secrecy, the passion. But, even if you ended up with him, the passion will die down, regular life will take over with the demands of kids, work, house work, etc.

 

I am sorry if I don't sound sympathetic. I just don't believe in running to someone else (MM) when you are having issues in your marriage. It never helps.

 

It is unfair to your husband. And if you truly are that unhappy in your marriage, it is unfair to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ugh. I can't even think about a single man who wants what I want right now. I don't know what I want right now. I know I want peace. I want tranquility. I want to be happy.

 

I thought I was satisfied with my life the way it was.. but this affair showed me that love could still happen for me. It started out as a very clear "sex-only" relationship. However, that changed quickly for both of us. For a while that was okay, but I am sick of lying and sneaking around. It has to stop. I can't respect myself living this way.

 

But this affair changed me, showed me that I could love and be loved. It opened a window to what I didn't even know I wanted. But no matter how much we love each other, the other man isn't my man, he never will be. He loves his wife and is dedicated to his marriage and his daughter. It's time to let him go, and I am at peace with that decision.

 

My husband is a good man, a good father. We don't fight, we like each other.. there's just no emotional or sexual connection. There is no love. Is it possible that now that I have let my lover go I can begin to accept the marriage for what it is?

 

Can I forget the happiness I've glimpsed? Can I forget how safe and loved I felt in the other man's arms?

 

Was that happiness ever real to begin with?

 

And if it wasn't, if it was just a combination of lust and excitement and hormones.. how do I determine that?

 

How do I know if what I have is worth saving? If it's worth settling for?

As others have said, your post reads "I, I, I , me, me, me". Hard not to wonder what your H is doing and feeling on his deployment while your pursue your happiness with another man (who also has a "wife" and child).

 

Tell your H and, if possible, work on your M...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mercifulheavens]

Life in the military has been really, really hard for a long time now. Almost constant deployments, uncertainties and watching friends grieve for lost spouses or their spouses come back forever changed through physical or mental injury. You see yourself and your children in every one of them. We'll bury another man, a good man who had 2 children, on Wednesday. It wears on you. The constant pain and sorrow. Being afraid all of the time. This affair was an escape not only from a less-than-stellar marriage, but from a situation that was becoming unbearable. I hid from all of it in his arms.

 

I dealt with my husband being gone just fine for 9 years. I never thought of an affair. I knew we had problems.. knew he didn't (couldn't?) love me the way I loved him. I have knelt in front of him and begged him to love me the way he promised to, the way I loved him, and watched him turn his back to me and walk away. I have cried, I have threatened, I have gone to counseling.. he just didn't have it in him. So I resigned myself to it. I honestly did. I decided to stop humiliating myself by begging for something that I wasn't going to get and to just accept it. I told myself, just as you said, that it was normal ebb and flow of a long-term relationship. Even then I never thought of cheating.

 

But then out of the blue there is this man who is pursuing me, who won't take no for an answer, who is absolutely obsessed with possessing me.. it took weeks for him to get me to agree to finally meet with him alone and I only did that because he promised that he would leave me in peace if I would only have dinner with him. That was all it took.

 

I suppose my purpose in telling you this is that deployments aren't the cause of this. They certainly didn't help, but these problems are ours and would have been there in any line of work he chose. I'm not some needy, clingy wife who needs attention 24 hrs a day.. but clearly what I was getting wasn't enough. Something was missing, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Or maybe all the pain just got to be too much and I had to run from it. I don't know.

 

And of course, I should have chosen another day than July 4 to ask for advice on this subject. Everyone's feeling patriotic and thankful to our military, and I appreciate that. It's going to make anyone feel defensive over this poor guy being cheated on by his bimbo of a wife. I'm that, but I'm more than that too.

 

Just know that they are more than symbols, more than heroes. They're people, with all their flaws and foibles and sadnesses and limitations. Real people dealing with really tough circumstances that most can't really understand for, what, almost 8 years now?

 

None of this is an excuse for what I've done. It's just background. It's me trying to figure out how I got here. I've never cheated on anyone before. I never thought it possible. I had absolute disdain and disgust for people who would go outside their relationship. Yet, here I am.

 

I sent him an email this afternoon telling him that I was considering a divorce and he asked me to wait until we could talk about it. So I agreed. He'll come home in a few weeks and I'll break his heart, (although honestly I don't know really how broken his heart will be).. but he will either realize that this is serious, that he can't ignore it any longer and that he wants to work it out or he will leave.

 

Either way something's going to change.

[fooled once]

But then out of the blue there is this man who is pursuing me, who won't take no for an answer, who is absolutely obsessed with possessing me..

Sorry but this is the biggest load of BS I have read.

 

Won't take no? Call the police. You obviously wanted him to 'possess' you.

 

You CHOSE to allow it to happen.

 

I developed a little crush and he sensed it and instantly went into full-on seduction. I caved and began the affair just after my husband left on his last deploymen

So which is it? He pursued you or you let him know you had a crush on him?

 

I can't believe while your husband is deployed you wrote him an email telling him you wanted a divorce. Do you realize the danger you put him in? And those around him?

 

When does he return home?

[mercifulheavens]

Oh, of course I did. I chose it all. I didn't tell him or let him know I had a crush on him... when he started flirting I shut him down immediately. In fact, I threatened to "hit him in the face with a brick" if he ever tried it again. He laughs about that line now, any time I'm upset with him he asks me if I'm going to hit him in the face with a brick. He's 6'5" and 300 lbs., I'm 125 lbs. soaking wet. It's a funny visual.

 

I don't honestly know how he knew I was vulnerable. We weren't emotionally close and as far as anyone knows I'm happily married. I don't know why he kept coming back, kept pursuing me. I guess I was sending out signals of some kind. I could have asked him but I've sent him on his way now. I suppose I'll never know.

 

On some level I knew I was playing with fire but I thought I could control it. I thought I could get my "fix" of being desired and chased and still maintain my honor. I even thought I could go to dinner with him and he would leave me alone after that. I was stupid. I failed. There's no one to blame but me.

 

Oh, and my husband isn't in a dangerous situation right now. He's off training. He'll be back next month.

[lkjh]

Oh, of course I did. I chose it all. I didn't tell him or let him know I had a crush on him... when he started flirting I shut him down immediately. In fact, I threatened to "hit him in the face with a brick" if he ever tried it again. He laughs about that line now, any time I'm upset with him he asks me if I'm going to hit him in the face with a brick. He's 6'5" and 300 lbs., I'm 125 lbs. soaking wet. It's a funny visual.

 

I don't honestly know how he knew I was vulnerable. We weren't emotionally close and as far as anyone knows I'm happily married. I don't know why he kept coming back, kept pursuing me. I guess I was sending out signals of some kind. I could have asked him but I've sent him on his way now. I suppose I'll never know.

 

On some level I knew I was playing with fire but I thought I could control it. I thought I could get my "fix" of being desired and chased and still maintain my honor. I even thought I could go to dinner with him and he would leave me alone after that. I was stupid. I failed. There's no one to blame but me.

 

Oh, and my husband isn't in a dangerous situation right now. He's off training. He'll be back next month.

 

oh that makes it all better.

 

The OM didn't have some sixth sense, he couldn't see through your coat of armor. He is simply the kind of guy that hits on all women(even married ones) and you are the one that went for it. Going to dinner with a guy is not a very good way of shooting him down.

 

That bs story about trying to escape the military life is just some poor justification of what you have done. Seeing people loose love ones does not give you the right to f*** another man

[sugarmomma]

Yep. Sounds like this marriage is over and I don't think your H will be willing to work on it whether you tell him about the A or not. It sounds like he won't be phased about it either way.

 

Good Luck.

[icepop]

Oh, and my husband isn't in a dangerous situation right now. He's off training. He'll be back next month.

 

This is reminiscent of the time I was boarding a plane in DC to return home and my wife ( now ex-wife) called me and told me she wasn't happy anymore.

Any work I would have done on my laptop on the aircraft was now impossible.

 

My point is this.

 

Regardless of whether he is in a training situation or "in field ", telling him on the phone you want a divorce when he is out of position is a total distraction for him and thoughtless.

 

You found a new career and " satisfaction" to fill the void, left by the vacuum of your empty marriage. This sounds to me like you have not worked on your marriage or you.

 

If you have exhausted ALL possibilities to save your marriage that might be a different story, but I suspect that this is not true. Why ? I'm not sure that your H has had a lot of opportunity to correct his behavior. Particularly since you said he was on deployment for such lengthy periods. If he has and he still is not paying attention, then that's on him.

 

I suggest that you exhaust all possible solutions to resolving your marriage and your relationship with your husband. Because if you do, you will find that can live in peace and without regret and second guessing yourself.

 

If you don't, you may find yourself jumping from one " satisfaction " to another, whether it be in a career or relationship.

 

NOTE : I like FO's advice on this thread. It is SPOT ON.

[jasminetea]

I don't see anywhere that you have had couples counselling or tried to understand why your H doesn't 'love you the way you love him'. Its worth bearing in mind that its not uncommon for men who have been on op tour to become emotionally reticent.

 

I think its a great shame you decided to embark on an affair before doing some research into why your husband is the way he is.

[mercifulheavens]

I'm sure it sounds as if I'm making excuses.. and maybe I am. But more than that, I'm trying to figure this out. I don't understand where I am and how I got here.

 

I loved him so much. So completely. It was enough for a long time. I tried so hard. It was a great loss for me to detach from him. Almost a death. But eventually I moved past the grief to acceptance.

 

You don't need to think that this all occurred in an absence of feedback. He was aware of my feelings. He couldn't come back to me. I don't know if it's the war and what he's seen (he's infantry) or if it is just his natural reticence. He just wasn't capable.

 

I asked for marriage counseling. He seemed willing but there just wasn't any time. He leaves for work at 3:30-4 am and often doesn't return home until 9 or 10 pm. And that's when he's home, which is rare. I counted up the days.. he's slept at home for 32 nights in the past year.

 

Now, do I think he could have made the time? I do. If one of his men came to him and said that he was having marital problems he would have made him see the chaplain and made sure he had the time to go to counseling. But he just couldn't go to his command and appear to be anything other than "locked on". He sees all of this as a weakness, as something to be ashamed of and hidden. So the counseling never happened.

 

I went to individual counseling instead.. that journey brought me to the career change and finding my happiness outside of the marriage. It worked for a while.

 

I think it's a great shame that I chose to have an affair as well. But I did. I can weep and wail and gnash my teeth (which I have) or I can figure out why and what I'm going to do about it. I've ended it. It's over. I've no desire to go back to that place.

 

I'm still left with the question of where I'm going, though. He sent me an email saying that he knows that he hasn't been a good partner and that he has screwed up our friendship and our marriage. That hurts. Honestly, he's said all of that before but hasn't been able to make changes. And now, of course, I've taken the destruction to a whole new level.

 

I'm almost wondering if I didn't have this affair to make us deal with our problems. Every time I've had a meltdown he has said the same thing.. "I know, I know.. I love you and I'll try to do better." But nothing ever changes.

 

After a "scene", we both retreat into our polite, civil relationship and things are calm again. We're both so happy that we're not fighting that things seem okay for a while. But in a few days, we're back to leading our separate lives, we're not having sex, we're not communicating, we're just cohabiting until he leaves again.

 

He says he still loves me. I guess I have to take him at his word. Maybe there is a path out of this pain together. I just don't know.

[Mr. Lucky]

He says he still loves me. I guess I have to take him at his word. Maybe there is a path out of this pain together. I just don't know.

Are you going to tell him about the affair?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mercifulheavens]

Yes. I'm going to tell him. I think I have to. Maybe this is selfish but I'm tired of lying. I'm not good at it and I hate doing it. Plus I think he has the right to know.

 

I don't know. I mean, conventional wisdom is that you tell, right? Or is it selfish to hurt your spouse just so you feel better?

 

Ugh.

 

I don't know. I just assumed I would. But maybe that's wrong.

[Athena]

Yes. I'm going to tell him. I think I have to. Maybe this is selfish but I'm tired of lying. I'm not good at it and I hate doing it. Plus I think he has the right to know.

 

I don't know. I mean, conventional wisdom is that you tell, right? Or is it selfish to hurt your spouse just so you feel better?

 

Ugh.

 

I don't know. I just assumed I would. But maybe that's wrong.

 

You tell your spouse in order to give your marriage a shot at perhaps succeeding. And you also tell your spouse because this is HIS life and he has a RIGHT to know.

 

The only time you don't tell your spouse, is when you used the affair as a means to exit the marriage, and out you go... (even though it's still better for the betrayed spouse to know the real truth behind the spouse exiting).

[Reggie]

Ever heard of divorce or legal seperation? These are honorable solutions. Why didn't you go one of those routes?

[silktricks]

It's unfortunate that you made some of the choices you made, but the old saying that you shouldn't cry over spilt milk comes to mind... You made the choices already... There's not much sense beating yourself up over them now.

 

So... here's my advice for what it's worth. You already told the MM you didn't want any contact with him for awhile. I'd rescind that statement and tell him you don't want contact again - ever. Terminate the affair. You know that you don't want to settle for second best and be his secret that he only takes out when it's convenient. So get that over and done with.

 

Second, tell your husband about the affair. I don't know if you should do it when he's deployed, as that type of news when he's in deadly danger each day may not be the best thing, but tell him as soon as you can.

 

Third, know yourself and what you want. It sounds like you have truly been in love with your husband for a long long time, but had given up that he would ever love you the same way. Talk to him long and honestly about what you want and need, understanding that your affair may very well be a deal breaker anyway. But be open and honest. Even if your marriage cannot survive, it will help both of you move on in your lives.

 

If you have truly given all you can give to the marriage, then divorce and be done with it. Let your husband find someone who can deal with the long separations and the type of love he can give. You find someone who you can love and who can love you in the way you both need. You are too young to not give yourself the chance to find and be a fulfilling partner and so is your husband.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Tsuki no Michi]

So there you have it. I am left with a broken marriage to decide whether or not to end. If I stay married I am alone, both physically and emotionally, but I'm rather used to that. It's been that way for years. If I leave my marriage, I am still alone and everyone's lives are upset.

 

What to do?

 

I wish I knew what advice to give you, but my situation is/was very similar. I chose to end my marriage anyway because it simply wasn't working. All the affair did was highlight how bad things had actually gotten for me. My MW on the other hand chose to stay for her children, even though I know she wanted to be with me instead. This was several years ago and like it or not I am still alone. There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish with all my heart that she was with me. I guess I fell pretty hard because I have not wanted or desired another woman since. All I know is that I am lonely, heartbroken, and have lost much of my faith.

 

However, this is not about me so sorry for the diversion. FWIW if you are not happy in the relationship then in my opinion it is probably best to talk to your spouse about it. Whether you tell him about the affair is up to you. If you want to work on the marriage I would probably tell him. If you don't, if you are desiring to leave no matter what then I would probably not. There is no reason to add the additional hurt IMO, but that's me. In any event I would definitely wait till he returns from deployment. This is the kind of thing no one should learn at a distance.

 

Oh, and I understand completely about it feeling like a death when it comes to leaving your marriage. I gave 110% to mine and in the end it failed anyway. It was the most heartrending experience of my life and you have my sincere prayers that you can heal regardless which path you choose.

 

TNM

[Andy L]

 

... and I only did that because he promised that he would leave me in peace if I would only have dinner with him. That was all it took.

 

I've never cheated on anyone before. I never thought it possible.

 

 

 

 

mercifulheavens,

 

I am sorry for your story...and marriage...

 

Affairs are like drugs... Never try the "first shot"...

 

1) Did you have sex with the OM that night (that to "only to have dinner, and to leave..")???

 

2) Where have you been seeing the OM? In your or his place or neither?

 

3)Which frequency with OM?

[Andy L]

 

It started out as a very clear "sex-only" relationship.

 

For a while that was okay, but I am sick of lying and sneaking around. It has to stop. I can't respect myself living this way.

 

 

 

1) So you wanted him at first meeting just for sex, right (till that there was no emotional...)?

 

2) Have you decided to stop because the guilty feeling or for not love the OM (or wanting sex with him) anymore?