I hope he is hurting...Am I mean?

[hartbroken]

My MM made a last ditch effort yesterday (as I instituted NC) by emailing me and telling me (despite my repeatedly telling him this relationship was causing me incredible hurt and I want it OVER) that he can still be a source of advice and friendship for me. I did answer back and said if I needed advice I know where to find you (meaning dont call me I'll call you which wont happen!) I actually am at a stage where right now I hope he hurts..Hope he hurts bad for all the years of pain he caused me all the while acting like he didnt know what he was doing was hurting me...Am I a monster bc I want HIM to suffer now? I dont know if he is but I just wish it so and feel badly that I would actually want someone to hurt...bc I am not a mean person...what is wrong with me?

[carhill]

When the hurt turns to acceptance and reflection, the healing process will be well underway. Right now, the feelings of anger and projection are completely normal. Just stick with NC (don't read his messages/delete him and don't contact him) and it will work out eventually. You will change the way you process your emotions and eventually, the anger and hurt will fade. Best wishes!

[wildsoul]

Agree with Carhill. It's a temporary phase of grieving, one that is normal. It will HELP you with maintaining NC. You need this phase to make your separations.

 

Also, you might be experiencing the NATURAL anger over not having your needs met that you were stuffing down in order to remain in the relationship previously.

 

It's normal. As long as you aren't acting it out, you're okay.

[hartbroken]

Agree with Carhill. It's a temporary phase of grieving, one that is normal. It will HELP you with maintaining NC. You need this phase to make your separations.

 

Also, you might be experiencing the NATURAL anger over not having your needs met that you were stuffing down in order to remain in the relationship previously.

 

It's normal. As long as you aren't acting it out, you're okay.

 

I am glad you guys say this is normal..Part of me even wants to tell his BS just so she knows what she is married to...He is a selfish son of a biatch as far as I am concerned. It is always about him and what he needs..I am at the anger stage now...Its really horrible as I am not like this typically but I feel like for all I gave him for YEARS he treated me like crap (I allowed this behavior and know I am to blame ) I just wish he would suffer like he has made me suffer...I need to get past this

[wildsoul]

Telling the wife now would be for revenge. Don't act out the anger that way. Go ahead and burn the love letters, turn the heavy metal up loud, whatever catharsis you need besides contacting him or his wife.

 

Google the phrase "stages of grief" it will really help you understand where you're at now and what's next in your healing journey.

 

BTW, I'm 11 weeks out now and feeling pretty good! There's hope for you, even on the hard days. Keep up NC and moving forward.

[hartbroken]

Telling the wife now would be for revenge. Don't act out the anger that way. Go ahead and burn the love letters, turn the heavy metal up loud, whatever catharsis you need besides contacting him or his wife.

 

Google the phrase "stages of grief" it will really help you understand where you're at now and what's next in your healing journey.

 

BTW, I'm 11 weeks out now and feeling pretty good! There's hope for you, even on the hard days. Keep up NC and moving forward.

 

Thanks Wildsoul I am trying not to do something i KNOW I will regret..I am sticking to my guns and I have to say each day that goes by it gets a bit easier as I am finding other things to do since I used to talk to him mostly all day every day during the week..It feels good to know I can be strong...bc he has made me feel incredibly weak for so long

[jwi71]

I am trying not to do something i KNOW I will regret..

 

Are you sure that you are NOT telling his W because it would make HIM angry (ie ruin his possible return to YOU)?

 

That the "not telling" is purely selfish, holding out hope?

[hartbroken]

Are you sure that you are NOT telling his W because it would make HIM angry (ie ruin his possible return to YOU)?

 

That the "not telling" is purely selfish, holding out hope?

 

This is the honest truth...He told me a few weeks back he almost told her about us but did not because he knows she will immediately leave (with his children) him as she has warned him many times bc she knows he cheated on his first wife with me so why he wanted to tell her I dont know.... BUT then later in the conversation he told me he cannot lose his kids and therefore did not tell her and he told me if this ever got out he would in not so many words kill himself...This is why I wont say anything as I am afraid if I ruin his life he will hurt himself and i cannnot have this on my conscience...PLUS I dont want his kids to grow up without a father...it has nothing to do with him being with me bc he never will be and I know this...so why he said on the one hand he wanted to tell her (altho he claimed he didnt feel guilty about it and did not seem it one bit, the other second if she finds out he is committing suicide.) so you tell meas I do not understand ANY of this at all!!

[jwi71]

This is the honest truth...He told me a few weeks back he almost told her about us but did not because he knows she will immediately leave (with his children) him as she has warned him many times bc she knows he cheated on his first wife with me so why he wanted to tell her I dont know.... BUT then later in the conversation he told me he cannot lose his kids and therefore did not tell her and he told me if this ever got out he would in not so many words kill himself...This is why I wont say anything as I am afraid if I ruin his life he will hurt himself and i cannnot have this on my conscience...PLUS I dont want his kids to grow up without a father...it has nothing to do with him being with me bc he never will be and I know this...so why he said on the one hand he wanted to tell her (altho he claimed he didnt feel guilty about it and did not seem it one bit, the other second if she finds out he is committing suicide.) so you tell meas I do not understand ANY of this at all!!

 

Its manipulation 101.

 

He is doing everything in his power to convince you to NOT bust him.

 

Kill himself if you tell. And doesn't want to lose his kids so he went back. I trust you see the problem in those statements...

 

Bluff and smokescreen. He'll say anything to keep you from busting his happy life. He's living exactly how HE wants.

 

And he fears YOUR POWER to end it. So, he pulls every emotional blackmail BS routine out of the hat to protect HIMSELF.

 

Does what he says make sense now? He's protecting HIMSELF by manipulating YOU. He absolutely no way no how wants YOU to tell his W. Then all of his lies come to light (I bet you will be right surprised at how happy things are at home)...and his world crumbles.

 

So, if you wish to tell...do so. And if yo do not...then don't.

 

In any case, STAY AWAY from HIM.

 

(my vote, if you wonder, is to bust him...his W deserves to know)

[wildsoul]

You're right on about the manipulation JWI!

 

But at this point in her healing, I think she'd be better served by full NC (and that includes telling the W.) At this point, telling would be revenge motivated and also a way to be in vicarious contact with him. She'd be thinking about him and his reaction. Back to obsessing. Increasing the liklihood of contact coming back from him. She needs to go NC.

 

Your suggestion about telling FOR the wife has some merit perhaps, but HB needs to detox from all that drama and take care of herself first.

[hartbroken]

Its manipulation 101.

 

He is doing everything in his power to convince you to NOT bust him.

 

Kill himself if you tell. And doesn't want to lose his kids so he went back. I trust you see the problem in those statements...

 

Bluff and smokescreen. He'll say anything to keep you from busting his happy life. He's living exactly how HE wants.

 

And he fears YOUR POWER to end it. So, he pulls every emotional blackmail BS routine out of the hat to protect HIMSELF.

 

Does what he says make sense now? He's protecting HIMSELF by manipulating YOU. He absolutely no way no how wants YOU to tell his W. Then all of his lies come to light (I bet you will be right surprised at how happy things are at home)...and his world crumbles.

 

So, if you wish to tell...do so. And if yo do not...then don't.

 

In any case, STAY AWAY from HIM.

 

(my vote, if you wonder, is to bust him...his W deserves to know)

 

What do you mean I bet you will be right surprised at how happy things are at home? Are you saying he is all happy with his wife?

 

Yes I see he is manipulating me..perhaps he just told me he was going to confess to her to see what I would say either go ahead or are you nuts? maybe to test where I am at on the spectrum? I dont know...I know this would be a pure evil revenge thing to do..I really dont want to ruin his life...but he has ruined mine in some way by toying with me for so many years always knowing how I felt thats where the wanting revenge comes in as I guess misery loves company!!

[jwi71]

What do you mean I bet you will be right surprised at how happy things are at home? Are you saying he is all happy with his wife?

 

Your source of information in his M is HIM. If you want a fuller, more accurate picture...talk to his W. But you can't and HE knows it. So he can feed you whatever lies he chooses to tell.

 

Stop listening to the words of a proven liar and cheat. Look at what he DOES.

 

And NO one is ever "all happy" in a M.

 

 

 

Yes I see he is manipulating me..perhaps he just told me he was going to confess to her to see what I would say either go ahead or are you nuts?

No. Its more subtle than that. If he says he has ALREADY confessed...and acts nonchalant about it...you are LESS likely to dial her up. The same is true for "going to tell"...another manipulation (stalling YOU while continuing the A).

 

I really dont want to ruin his life...but he has ruined mine in some way by toying with me for so many years always knowing how I felt thats where the wanting revenge comes in as I guess misery loves company!!

How are YOU ruining HIS life? He did that all on his own...but he has ruined so many others in his what...life...his first W, YOU, his kids, his current W...this guy is nothing but trouble and shattering lives everywhere he goes...No, you didn't do this. HE did. And he's been doing it (I bet) his entire life.

 

And I regret adding my opinion of telling the W. That's MY bias coming out. In case you didn't know...I'm a BS and I wish I had been told...a bit of projection on my part.

[hartbroken]

Your source of information in his M is HIM. If you want a fuller, more accurate picture...talk to his W. But you can't and HE knows it. So he can feed you whatever lies he chooses to tell.

 

Stop listening to the words of a proven liar and cheat. Look at what he DOES.

 

And NO one is ever "all happy" in a M.

 

 

 

No. Its more subtle than that. If he says he has ALREADY confessed...and acts nonchalant about it...you are LESS likely to dial her up. The same is true for "going to tell"...another manipulation (stalling YOU while continuing the A).

 

How are YOU ruining HIS life? He did that all on his own...but he has ruined so many others in his what...life...his first W, YOU, his kids, his current W...this guy is nothing but trouble and shattering lives everywhere he goes...No, you didn't do this. HE did. And he's been doing it (I bet) his entire life.

 

And I regret adding my opinion of telling the W. That's MY bias coming out. In case you didn't know...I'm a BS and I wish I had been told...a bit of projection on my part.

 

Yes I suppose you are right in everything you say, and thank you by the way for your perspective on this as a BS...I think she should know he has kept this from her their entire marriage (we only had sex one time during their marriage but the EA has gone on for MANY years of course tho he cant admit his feelings for me, and I shouldnt have expected anything from him AND he justifies that he never meant to hurt me bc he never promised me anything, so in effect I should blame myself for caring since he doesnt make promises.... its my Own fault) This is how he rolls...I dont like it..ANY of it!

[bentnotbroken]

Yes I suppose you are right in everything you say, and thank you by the way for your perspective on this as a BS...I think she should know he has kept this from her their entire marriage (we only had sex one time during their marriage but the EA has gone on for MANY years of course tho he cant admit his feelings for me, and I shouldnt have expected anything from him AND he justifies that he never meant to hurt me bc he never promised me anything, so in effect I should blame myself for caring since he doesnt make promises.... its my Own fault) This is how he rolls...I dont like it..ANY of it!

 

 

You must accept at least 50% responsibility. You say that he was with you through his first marriage and you hung around during the second. He is a SC=serial cheater. This is his character, what's in his heart, his soul. It shows his lack of respect for women and most certainly for himself. He is master manipulator and he will continue to twist your life and his wife's life until someone puts a stop to him.

[hartbroken]

You must accept at least 50% responsibility. You say that he was with you through his first marriage and you hung around during the second. He is a SC=serial cheater. This is his character, what's in his heart, his soul. It shows his lack of respect for women and most certainly for himself. He is master manipulator and he will continue to twist your life and his wife's life until someone puts a stop to him.

 

Yes, of course I accept half the blame..no question about it..But what I will not accept is him making it like how dare I be so hurt I cant continue this friendship with him bc he never promised me anything so therefore I should basically not be that hurt where I need to cut him off since I should have never expected anything.. This is his twisted logic as I see it based on things he said to me recently...Yes he will continue to twist it until someone puts a stop to him which I did..His wife wont since she knows of nothing and therefore could not stop that which she does now know...but what if he has lost me then loses her..then where will he be? hmmm an interesting thought but of course I would never dime him out...bc Im too good a person to do that..

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, of course I accept half the blame..no question about it..But what I will not accept is him making it like how dare I be so hurt I cant continue this friendship with him bc he never promised me anything so therefore I should basically not be that hurt where I need to cut him off since I should have never expected anything.. This is his twisted logic as I see it based on things he said to me recently...Yes he will continue to twist it until someone puts a stop to him which I did..His wife wont since she knows of nothing and therefore could not stop that which she does now know...but what if he has lost me then loses her..then where will he be? hmmm an interesting thought but of course I would never dime him out...bc Im too good a person to do that..

 

 

 

I really wish you would. Be a good person to the wife. But the majority of the advice you will get is not to do that. Some people believe you don't tell the BS because it will be considered revenge or if you didn't tell her during the A, you shouldn't say anything afterward. I guess I will always see it as the right to know, no matter the reason. You are well rid of him and I pray you won't find yourself in this type of turmoil again.

[MizzBlue72]

I agree with WildSoul.Don't tell.

[hartbroken]

I really wish you would. Be a good person to the wife. But the majority of the advice you will get is not to do that. Some people believe you don't tell the BS because it will be considered revenge or if you didn't tell her during the A, you shouldn't say anything afterward. I guess I will always see it as the right to know, no matter the reason. You are well rid of him and I pray you won't find yourself in this type of turmoil again.

 

I wouldnt even know what to say to the woman if I was going to do it which I doubt I would ever..Hi..I have been having an EA with ur H since he met you and we recently had sex...have a nice day...How do you even tell a BS something like that if she doesnt even know who the heck you are?..I cant imagine doing this to someone I just cannot...I dont wanna hurt this woman, I dont even know her I have hurt her enough already...Him I want to hurt..not her as she is just an innocent victim...as are those little kids of his...

 

ETA...thats not true she knows OF me from his cheating on wife 1..he told her about me but I dont know what...

[bentnotbroken]

I wouldnt even know what to say to the woman if I was going to do it which I doubt I would ever..Hi..I have been having an EA with ur H since he met you and we recently had sex...have a nice day...How do you even tell a BS something like that if she doesnt even know who the heck you are?..I cant imagine doing this to someone I just cannot...I dont wanna hurt this woman, I dont even know her I have hurt her enough already...Him I want to hurt..not her as she is just an innocent victim...as are those little kids of his...

 

ETA...thats not true she knows OF me from his cheating on wife 1..he told her about me but I dont know what...

 

 

I do understand where you are coming from. It seems so unfair that she is the only one in the dark about her own life. But I do get it.

[hartbroken]

I do understand where you are coming from. It seems so unfair that she is the only one in the dark about her own life. But I do get it.

 

And does anyone not think it would be all the much worse to find out its me he is STILL involved with all these years (with another wife!!) over some other random person he met?I think the fact I have been in his life for many years implies while I am a playtoy to him, he obviously must have some level of caring for me...or perhaps I imagined all that too who the heck knows...

[bentnotbroken]

And does anyone not think it would be all the much worse to find out its me he is STILL involved with all these years (with another wife!!) over some other random person he met?I think the fact I have been in his life for many years implies while I am a playtoy to him, he obviously must have some level of caring for me...or perhaps I imagined all that too who the heck knows...

 

 

Possibly, probably. It doesn't necessarily imply caring, but certainly does imply he has been lying their entire marriage, I would find crushing. As it is you wonder what parts of your marriage were real and which weren't, to actually have confirmation....?

[hartbroken]

Possibly, probably. It doesn't necessarily imply caring, but certainly does imply he has been lying their entire marriage, I would find crushing. As it is you wonder what parts of your marriage were real and which weren't, to actually have confirmation....?

 

I too think it would be crushing and thats why Im not doing it bc she doesnt deserve that...she did nothing wrong except marry someone who was never in love with her..I have never one time in all these years and I have been around longer than her heard him say he loved her...or even that he cared deeply for her...its very sad...me he can say he cares about...or so he said..probably lied to me anyway...

[jwi71]

And does anyone not think it would be all the much worse to find out its me he is STILL involved with all these years (with another wife!!) over some other random person he met?I think the fact I have been in his life for many years implies while I am a playtoy to him, he obviously must have some level of caring for me...or perhaps I imagined all that too who the heck knows...

 

hartbroken,

 

Perhaps you have forgotten your own story?

 

His behaviors reek of one thing and one thing only "ME first".

 

He is a user. He shows YOU no consideration, his wives NO consideration...his children NO consideration. Only himself...what he wants when he wants it.

 

Does he care about you? Not certain. At least not enough to ask to marry you (but considering the respect he shows his wives...that's prolly a good thing). Or keep you fully informed (Again...your own story). I think you NEED to stop seeing HIM in a positive light. He has no positive light...he seems more like a black hole to me.

 

He has shown YOU only lies, deceit, treachery, deception and pain. How many more years? How much more lost time?

 

NEVER contact him again. Ever.

 

He's trouble.

 

Question. Given his behavior and treatment towards you (and his wives)...why do YOU stay around in his life?

[hartbroken]

hartbroken,

 

Perhaps you have forgotten your own story?

 

His behaviors reek of one thing and one thing only "ME first".

 

He is a user. He shows YOU no consideration, his wives NO consideration...his children NO consideration. Only himself...what he wants when he wants it.

 

Does he care about you? Not certain. At least not enough to ask to marry you (but considering the respect he shows his wives...that's prolly a good thing). Or keep you fully informed (Again...your own story). I think you NEED to stop seeing HIM in a positive light. He has no positive light...he seems more like a black hole to me.

 

He has shown YOU only lies, deceit, treachery, deception and pain. How many more years? How much more lost time?

 

NEVER contact him again. Ever.

 

He's trouble.

 

Question. Given his behavior and treatment towards you (and his wives)...why do YOU stay around in his life?

 

I guess bc I really thought I loved him but I now see that there really is nothing to love..I am staying away this time..for MY own sanity...I will not allow myself to be sucked back into this black hole..He is just toxic..He wouldnt be with me when he had the chance bc he didnt wanna deal with my baggage (kids) altho he never said it back in the day, I always knew that was why or he wouldnt have come back to me over and over and over which is what he kept doing...and I let him bc I thought he MUST care...but I dont know anymore if thats the case...I think I was a fun distraction..maybe nothing more altho he swears thats not the case..I mean alot to him and always will..Turthfully tho I dont believe a word he says now..I just dont...

[wildsoul]

I really wish you would. Be a good person to the wife. But the majority of the advice you will get is not to do that. Some people believe you don't tell the BS because it will be considered revenge or if you didn't tell her during the A, you shouldn't say anything afterward. I guess I will always see it as the right to know, no matter the reason. You are well rid of him and I pray you won't find yourself in this type of turmoil again.

Bent, you're the type to want to know. If I was a BS, I'd want to know too (does that surprise you?) But we don't know if THIS wife would want to know. And the timing is wrong. HB needs to be in NC. She needs to take her focus off xMM and his W.

 

However, if the wife comes to HB asking for the truth, then I absolutely think she should tell.

 

But again, at this point, HB needs to stop obsessing about that MM and his marriage! I keep underlining that point here because I'm SO recently out of a breakup. Withdrawal is HARD. So while I know you BS's mean well by telling her to tell the W, I don't think you understand how hard it is to go NC. Encouraging her to get in any contact, or to even keep worrying about the tell/don't tell decision can set her back. She just broke up with him, and has miles to go.

 

==> HB, speak up if I'm misrepresenting you.