Emotional Affairs

[lovekillsslowly]

I have a question to the women in this forum who have found themselves involved with a MM in both an emotional and physical affair.

 

I'd like to know once the physical affair ended because the MM wanted to work on his marriage BUT still wanted to be "friends" and call the OW daily "just to talk" how long did that last before the MM started feeling guilty about even talking on the phone to the OW and he ended that final part of the relationship also.

 

Long story short...the above scenario describes my recent situation with the exception that I have cut off all contact. I deleted my e-mail address and have not answered his calls or returned his voice mails even though he still wants to be "friends".

 

I'm not willing to set myself up for my heartache by continuing the "friendship" thing and having him put an end to that also.

 

So did any of you women out there TRY to be just "friends" because that's what the MM that you were involved with wanted? And if so, how long did that go on before he broke your heart again by ending the friendship?

 

Thanks for all your responses!

[jj33]

What you are talking about is generally one person or the other wanting to continue the contact even tho the A is over. Its the old line everyone gives each other married or not - lets be friends...

 

xMM and I are in constant contact for work. We care about each other but I am not sure I would define us as "friends". We dont go out to lunch or dinner anymore. We dont stand around and chat at networking functions. (we are comfortable enough to say hello now but we dont otherwise interact).

 

If we didnt have to speak because of work Im sure we wouldnt speak at all it would be too painful. Once the romantic relationship is over in many cases the rest of it is too, or if its not it just prolongs the pain of wanting something you cant have.

 

It hurts but he did you a favor. Now you can truly grieve the loss of hte relationship and move on.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I'm at the exact same stage. Our affair has somewhat become known, although he hasn't told her the whole story. He can't bring himself to leave and he can't figure out why not. He is going to give his marriage one last try (over summer) but still wants to be in contact with me, and not just because of work. We're talking emails, texts, phone calls a few times a week instead of trying to get together every day outside of work.

 

That would be a huge step back, but I think that if he is giving it an honest try, we need to stop all that outside of work contact. I also think that my own dreams to be with him are jeopardized if we keep losing control.

 

But he wants to be more than friends through all this, because we both know we are still in love, and that won't change. I agreed but I think we still are going about this the wrong way. He said he doesn't want to leave his marriage without having given it an honest try. What is honest about being in contact with me?

 

I think that even if he ends up staying with his wife and working things out in the end, at least if we haven't kept up our affair via texts/emails/flirting at work, then I've had a chance to be apart from him, and it would be that much easier to move on.

 

And I would be okay, I would not be hurt because I know the decision he makes in the end is the one he decided will make him happy. And I only want that for him.

 

If you can break free I would say do it. If you find you are constantly running into him, then remain friends as long as you expect to get hurt, then maybe it won't be so bad in the end, maybe I'm delusional?

[jj33]

Why remain friends if you expect to get hurt? It helps nothing and no one.

 

As you say MWC he isnt giving his marriage a real shot if he is in touch with you as a friend.

 

He isnt giving the OP what she wants.

 

She is not able to move on as quickly as she might if she stays in touch with him.

 

And he wont REALLY know what its like to be in the marriage without the emotional crutch of the EA until the contact ceases.

 

I would say dont do it. There is nothing recommending it except a delay of the pain of being out of touch on a personal level.

 

BTDT - it hurts but its not as painful as you might think. Be brave, give youself a chance to detach. If it all works out in the end, you will know and he will know that he gave it his best shot. Otherwise this limbo stage could last a lot longer.

[hartbroken]

I have tried to do the "friends" thing for many years and all it did was prolong the inevitable..get me back in his bed eventually and caused me to be re-hurt all over again because he cares more for his own feelings then he ever did about mine. I think that people who end an affair and think they can be friends are fooling themselves. The feelings and attraction never seem to go away, at least they have not for me and so I finally realized recently the only way to truly move past all of it was to accept the fact we will never be friends even if thats what he claims he wants because maybe he can handle it but I cannot. I think its better for all involved if you do your best to just move right on along..It hurts badly but in the end it is the ONLY way to truly get past it at least this has been my experience. The constant daily communications were nothing more then a reminder of what will never be. Why subject yourself to this is what I asked myself. I finally realized that I just dont have to anymore. I am better then that...

[2sure]

Having been OW in the past, and always having been the one to end the relationship....

 

The MM Always tried to continue contact through the "lets be friends" venue.

 

The reason was because the affair itself was an ego boost to them , not just the sex, but even more importantly - the attention. The phone calls, emails, and texts were a major part of the affair. So, for him - if those things continue he is still getting what he most wanted from the affair - the attention. He needs to know it is still his option.

 

When you end it, if you go no contact - he wont be getting the attention he is looking for. He will soon get bored with asking and rejection (so similar to real life) and stop bothering you consistently.

[Gamine]

Tough love is what I recommend here. Let him go and don't fall into the trap of remaining friends. If, after the summer ends he decides to end the marriage then you will know in your heart that what you had/have is for real. If you remain 'friends' and remain an influence you will always wonder whether he wound up actually leaving because he was 'found out'.

 

If someone is truly yours they will return as whole people ready to live a life with you. If they do not, it was never 'real' enough to become real.

 

Sometimes the only way to really know if someone loves you is to let them go.

[hartbroken]

Honestly OP, I didnt really answer your question but based on my own experience as in my case where MM still wants to be friends...It can and will go on forever if you allow it to..I have allowed this nonsense for over a decade bc he wants to be friends with me. But then he recently had sex with me so does he really want to be just my friend? That is how I guess he justifies it all in his own mind..It seems to me its usually the OW who ends it as the MM does like their ego boost it seems as was previously mentioned...Some MM do end it but it seems in the end they always come back or try to. My problem was every time my MM ended it he always reappeared within several months and there I was back in his grip. I think you need to be the strong one (as I am trying to be nowadays) and just realize that this is a dead end road...time to move on..good luck

 

btw my MM just contacted me via email today to state he still wants to be friends (I dont think he will truly ever just "get it" but I have to stick to my guns)

[pkn06002]

Once you cross the friend line there is no going back over it. One or both of you will always want more.

 

Just quit talking to the guy

[Heather1]

I've been battling the "friends" logic too. You care about each other, so why not? I want the best for him, what does he want from me? I don't think the OM is the bad guy in wanting this...it does seem ideal. It's just not how nature works w/ men & women is all. When OM & I are in contact, we can be friends/want to have sex/not want to see each other ever again/feel guilty over our spouses/never want to have sex again/not feel that guilty - all within a 5 minute phone conversation. I'll get off of our "friend" conversations not really knowing what just happened or what the conclusion was. They struggle, we struggle. I have noticed one thing about the "friends" part. Even though I don't see us together in any relationship besides the one we have now, it still keeps me very attached to him. I can't "move on" when he's constantly contacting me. I put together clearer headed days & get more done with my own life when he's not in it.

And yet....I really miss him. That's probably more of an addiction than anything else...but DAMN is it strong!

[hartbroken]

I've been battling the "friends" logic too. You care about each other, so why not? I want the best for him, what does he want from me? I don't think the OM is the bad guy in wanting this...it does seem ideal. It's just not how nature works w/ men & women is all. When OM & I are in contact, we can be friends/want to have sex/not want to see each other ever again/feel guilty over our spouses/never want to have sex again/not feel that guilty - all within a 5 minute phone conversation. I'll get off of our "friend" conversations not really knowing what just happened or what the conclusion was. They struggle, we struggle. I have noticed one thing about the "friends" part. Even though I don't see us together in any relationship besides the one we have now, it still keeps me very attached to him. I can't "move on" when he's constantly contacting me. I put together clearer headed days & get more done with my own life when he's not in it.

And yet....I really miss him. That's probably more of an addiction than anything else...but DAMN is it strong!

 

wow Heather your situation sounds just like mine (the types of conversations I have had with MM we are all over the place too) I know whats best and thats to move on yet I also miss him all the time. I often wonder if he misses me too? His constant attempts to keep me around in some way tells me yes he probably does but I know he will never give up a darn thing for me as he never has. I think the addiction is what it is...Its like a drug and a powerful one at that.

[wildsoul]

Do you ever question where the idea comes from that remaining friends is the right thing to do? If you really think about it, doesn't it seem like asking A LOT from yourself? It's okay to not be that strong. To know your own limits, and say, "That's just too painful for me."