I have to move on...NC but it will be soooo hard

[hartbroken]

Hey all..glad I found these forums..Misery loves company I guess ...I met my MM in 1997 when he was married to wife one..we had an EA and PA and I just fell for him..I dont know how it happened (My marriage was very bad and always has been)..After several months he ended it and told me he was not leaving his wife...He did eventually leave her but moved in with someone else (rejecting me of course) and that didnt work out...we talked on and off through this time online mostly but I had not seen him in a while. I knew he did not wanna be with me bc of my kids (too much baggage altho he wouldnt admit it but I always knew that was the only reason as we always had an amazing time together, lots in common,great communication, amazing chemistry and sex etc) . we were sexually together once back in 2000 but he quickly moved on to his next woman (of course I was rejected again and hurt again after and he never seemed to care too much that this hurt me..I was foolish...) FF to recently...he eventually married wife number 2 several years ago...and had a couple kids etc...meanwhile I had over many years tried to fix my marriage (I now know that will never happen and am planning to file for divorce and it has nothing to do with MM..its just me needing to finally be happy) Over the past several years me and MM have been involved in what I would consider an EA altho I am the one with most of the attachment (emotionwise) Not that he doesnt care for me as we have gotten to know each other it morphed into a very close friendship..He would thru the years ask to see me at various times (usually significant time went by) but our meetings were always brief and other then chat and a hug thats all they were..but we always had continuous communication for all these years...Things have heated up again over the past 8 months or so..I think he isnt too happy in his marriage altho dont know for sure but the only time he talks about his wife its to say something negative. If I ask how things are going with her he basically doesnt say too much and quickly moves onto the next topic...I never have once heard him say in all these years he loved her..not ever...nothing...I tried at various times throughout the years to do NC bc even though large gaps in time would pass without me seeing him, just talking to him was keeping me from moving on in my heart. He would always come back after a little while would go by and tell me he missed talking to me and then we would start talking again and it just intensified throughout the years..his wife 2 knows he cheated on wife one (with me altho she doenst know anything but my name and i dont know her) so she has told him over and over if he cheats on her he is gone city...so he stayed faithful to her for 9 years..he didnt wanna lose his kids or so he says)..Back in March we were in an out of town situation (purely fate we ended up in the same place at the same time) and I foolishly went to his hotel as he asked me to and well you know what happened within 2 minutes...I was back in his bed and back to square one emotionally..I thought after all this time I could just be with him once and move on..I guess I fooled myself...the sex was much different this time than years ago as we know each other so well now and have some kind of emotional thang goin on I just dont know what it is from his perspective as he doesnt like to discuss these types of things..but acted more like someone who really cared about as opposed to the way it was when we first met when it was just sex and emotionless sex (to him anyway)..He was loving this time and caring and it blew my mind really...I knew when I left him this was going to be a disaster for me...I was right... I tried right after to go NC but he just did not want this..He said he needed me in his life, he cares for me (altho he will never care about me enough I guess) and so I stayed around and continued to talk to him everyday knowing full well this will never go anywhere as he is so afraid of getting caught and losing his kids I basically cannot see him as his wife has to know where he is every minute of the day (she obviously does not trust him at all as well she shouldnt)..Anyway a couple days ago I realized I have too many other things going on in my life right now that I HAVE to end this bc it just brings on hurt..while I derive lots of happiness from just the friendship part of our relationship, he always makes me laugh and vice versa, and is there for me when I need him again, vice versa.. the hurt over the years has really outweighed the happiness at least for me...He did not wanna hear that I want to cut this off again and was like talk to me please..I want to continue a friendship with you..(We talk about sex a LOT so this is more then just some friendship thing IMHO as I dont sleep with my other male friends!!) I think he fools himself into believing we can go from lovers to friends to lovers to friends and just keep doing this and it will never have any emotional consequences..bottom line is he has now cheated on 2 wives with me yet I should never expect anything from him (I dont) and all this relationship does is cause me great pain bc I do love him...I gather he has real feelings for me altho how deep they run I dont know..The minute he was away from her and where I was he wanted to be with me but doesnt wanna risk it here bc he is afraid of getting caught and losing the kids (meanwhile a couple weeks ago he told me he almost told her about us but didnt cause knew she would immediately leave and take his kids away..I asked why would u even think of telling her then knowing the consequences and he couldnt answer me) I said do u feel guilty now he said no but I cannot understand the logic in confessing knowing your marriage will end..He didnt tell her bc I told him not to (I dont need to deal with the falll out, jealous wife as I have more then enough problems to cope with)

 

I told him again by email this week I was ending this as I could not do it anymore it hurts me and such..He tried very hard to keep me in his life saying he wants to continue our friendship but to me as close as we are is this really a friendship? I cant say it can ever be a normal friendship and as much as it will kill me to not talk to him anymore..I know that I just have to as I cannot take any more hurt from this man I have had all my heart will let me bear..I am going NC (or trying to) I hope I can succeed..I think he will respect my wishes as he stated so even if he disagrees with me...Will I make it? I dont know he is such an important part of my life for so long it just hurts so bad..I have to gather up my strength and just stick to my guns...I dont know how I will get through this after all this time..I feel like I lost my best friend now Thanks for listening...and if anyone has any really good tips to help me get past this once and for all, I would welcome them...

[jj33]

Wow thats hard to read all in one paragraph next time please break up your response so people can read it more easily and you will get more replies.

 

That being said, you know the answre. You have to leave. You have to go NC. The reason it will be hard is the dream will be gone and your "best friend" will be gone.

 

But he left his W and married 2 people other than you?

 

The answer is right in front of you. He doesnt want what you want.

 

Why does he disagree with you? Because he is used to getting what he wants from you and giving very little in return. That has been OK with you in the past and he hopes it will continue to be OK with you in the future.

 

If xMM had done that I would NEVER EVER have spoken to him again. Ever.

 

Where is your sense of self preservation? How long do you want to simply accept crumbs?

 

Look I can understand that in certain situations being the OW can be acceptable for the woman involved. But you are in love with this guy and he is NEVER going to reciprocate - that was clear years ago.

 

That being the case, yes you will miss him, but the pain is no worse than the pain of loving someone who doesnt love you in the same way.

 

Its freeing to a large extent because over time, you can reestablish the hope that someday you will have a relationship with someone who reciprocates your feelings on the same level.

 

Post as much as you need to - ignore the bashes from the people who inevitably bash (or press the alert button or put them on ignore) do whatever you need to do to be in NC and get him out of your system.

 

You deserve the hope that you can have a real relationship with someone. Not just the crumbs this guy has to give from time to time.

 

Knowing you have always been second and that the barrier to your relationship was not his first W is really all you need to know.

 

When his kids grow up, he may have yet another excuse and then you will have wasted over 20 years on a man who doesnt want what you want.

 

When we do this, its a form of "hiding". So long as you are holding on to the fact that you want to be with him, you arent really giving anyone else a chance. Telling yourself that he is "your beloved" (so to speak...) means that you are shutting yourself off from other men and the desire to find a real partner.

 

You may want to ask yourself why you have done this? Why you keep going back to someone who consistently chooses others when he is free? Do you really want a relationship? Are you afraid of real intimacy? Your initial response is probably going to be no no thats not it. But the actions say something different.

 

Take good care. Posting and realizing you need to step away from this is the first step to reclaiming your future.

[jwi71]

hartbroken,

 

The way you allowed yourself to be treated...is shocking.

 

This PoS has broken your heart so many times it will take all of the king's horses and an all of the king's men an eternity to piece it back together...but...

 

WHY DID YOU STAY?

 

WHY DO YOU GIVE HIM SO MUCH POWER OVER YOU?

 

I heartily HEARTILY recommend seeing a good IC.

 

And NEVER contact him again...you give up so much and get NOTHING in return...

[hartbroken]

hartbroken,

 

The way you allowed yourself to be treated...is shocking.

 

This PoS has broken your heart so many times it will take all of the king's horses and an all of the king's men an eternity to piece it back together...but...

 

WHY DID YOU STAY?

 

WHY DO YOU GIVE HIM SO MUCH POWER OVER YOU?

 

I heartily HEARTILY recommend seeing a good IC.

 

And NEVER contact him again...you give up so much and get NOTHING in return...

 

 

I dont know why I stayed honestly..I know now I did myself a great disservice in the end. I guess bc having him in my life in the small capacity I did was less hurtful to me then just being able to walk away. I have been VERY weak where this man is concerned and the irony of this is I am an extremely strong person on the inside..He has just been my one weakness in life.

 

I just started going to IC not just because of him but for other issues and I am hoping it will help me get past this. As I have tried for many years and he always knows what to say to pull me back to him every time I try and run like hell away. I know and I have always known in my heart I would never be with him I guess somehow I have been unable to really accept that.

 

I have given him so much. Emotionally speaking that is. I have seen him through many personal life crisis situations and always was a shoulder to lean on. Do not get me wrong, he has been that to me as well. But he has this illusion that we can carry on some kind of friendship and he KNOWS how I feel about him. I told him I think he is selfish but he insists since he never made me promises that he has done nothing wrong. So in other words it is ok to carry on with this EA and sleep with me but because he never promises me anything I should just be able to get past it..Well maybe he is a much stronger person then I am. I cannot do this any longer..It is really killing me inside slowly and I wonder if I will EVER be able to recover and move on with someone else after I get divorced. I dont know that I will ever be able to love and trust someone again as I feel this has left such emotional scars (I guess from all the rejection) I may never be ok and this is what worries me the most. I HAVE to get over this..I must...

[whichwayisup]

If you can recover? What about your husband? Cheating on him, living a double life .. I'm sure this will kill your H as well, even if your marriage isn't a good one. Not a justification to cheat on him. Sorry to be harsh..

 

You are putting all your anger towards the MM, you bare the responsibility too. If you can't handle a friendship with him, CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He is only thinking of himself, not you. HE can handle the friendship, that's why he's offering it. You can say no!

 

For your own sanity, get counselling, divorce your husband and start your healing process. Only you can change this.

[hartbroken]

If you can recover? What about your husband? Cheating on him, living a double life .. I'm sure this will kill your H as well, even if your marriage isn't a good one. Not a justification to cheat on him. Sorry to be harsh..

 

You are putting all your anger towards the MM, you bare the responsibility too. If you can't handle a friendship with him, CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He is only thinking of himself, not you. HE can handle the friendship, that's why he's offering it. You can say no!

 

For your own sanity, get counselling, divorce your husband and start your healing process. Only you can change this.

 

 

I have said no as for my husband he knows I cheated on him and knows we are getting divorced. He is not in love with me as much as I am not in love with him so its a mutual thing and is really not an issue. Our marriage has been over for a long time we are basically roomates anymore and have both accepted this I believe unless he is lying to me. He told me that if I am done with him, he is fine with this so I gather he doesnt care all that much. I am taking the necessary steps to dissolve our union as no good will ever come of it.

 

I have CUT him off...I just guess posting here is helping me in some way and listening to others who maybe can relate is therapeutic in some way and keeps me on the NC track. It isnt easy but I am trying. And I alreasy said I am IN counseling now!

[jj33]

That is great so you are cleaning things up on every level. You cant go back to that.

 

And really it doesnt matter that HE is ok with an EA. The fact is you are not.

 

Where does it say that because you arent happy accepting crumbs from this man (ie an EA) that you are weak? NOWHERE.

 

Thats just him trying to keep you tied into it by suggesting that if you were stronger you could deal with it. He doesnt have a problem with it because hes getting exactly what he wants. Access to you on his terms and his marriage. Pretty good deal as far as he is concerned. Pretty bad deal for you.

 

Getting over it isnt easy. I have not fully gotten over my feelings and the A ended almost 2 years ago. But its far far better than it was 6 months ago or a year ago and certain better than it was a year and a half ago.

 

Time ... time is what will make it better.

[hartbroken]

That is great so you are cleaning things up on every level. You cant go back to that.

 

And really it doesnt matter that HE is ok with an EA. The fact is you are not.

 

Where does it say that because you arent happy accepting crumbs from this man (ie an EA) that you are weak? NOWHERE.

 

Thats just him trying to keep you tied into it by suggesting that if you were stronger you could deal with it. He doesnt have a problem with it because hes getting exactly what he wants. Access to you on his terms and his marriage. Pretty good deal as far as he is concerned. Pretty bad deal for you.

 

Getting over it isnt easy. I have not fully gotten over my feelings and the A ended almost 2 years ago. But its far far better than it was 6 months ago or a year ago and certain better than it was a year and a half ago.

 

Time ... time is what will make it better.

 

 

I know JJ I just feel like I am a weak person or I would have been able to conquer this a long time ago...I know its not easy and it hurts like hell but I hope you are right and time will make it better. I just dont want to be sitting here a year from now still thinking about him. I want him out of my head and my heart once and for all!! He does have his cake and eat it too. Its a shame too bc I am a really caring person (even though my marriage didnt work out but there were issues from both of us and I bear responsibility for my destructiveness as my husband has done rotten stuff too) and I know if I really loved someone I could never cheat on them. I am not this type of person and would never do this again with anyone. If nothing else I have learned VALUABLE lessons. Never if you are married or not get involved with a married person...no good usually will come of it. I have really learned I think. It was a hard lesson learned but learned nonetheless..

[jj33]

If you go NC totally he will get out of your head a lot more quickly. I work closely with MM so unless I want to shut a successful business and work in Walmart or something (if all those jobs are not already taken in this economy...) I am where I am.

 

But you dont have to be in touch with him. You can make the break. And if you dont want to think about him you wont. you are starting a new chapter in your life. You owe it to yourself to make the most of it.

 

The death of "the dream" is difficult but its healing as well. In that way its no different than leaving a single man or a divorce - you may not want to close the chapter but its closed. Its not feeding your soul and its never going to get you where you want to be. That doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. But you have learned. We have all learned...

 

I know xMM still misses me and thinks of me all the time- but so what? He is still married and has no concrete plans to go anywhere. At this rate I think hes going to "mull it over" until hes 80.... Its no different for you. Time to gather up your toys and go home. You are on the right path. And you will get where you want to be.

[hartbroken]

If you go NC totally he will get out of your head a lot more quickly. I work closely with MM so unless I want to shut a successful business and work in Walmart or something (if all those jobs are not already taken in this economy...) I am where I am.

 

But you dont have to be in touch with him. You can make the break. And if you dont want to think about him you wont. you are starting a new chapter in your life. You owe it to yourself to make the most of it.

 

The death of "the dream" is difficult but its healing as well. In that way its no different than leaving a single man or a divorce - you may not want to close the chapter but its closed. Its not feeding your soul and its never going to get you where you want to be. That doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. But you have learned. We have all learned...

 

I know xMM still misses me and thinks of me all the time- but so what? He is still married and has no concrete plans to go anywhere. At this rate I think hes going to "mull it over" until hes 80.... Its no different for you. Time to gather up your toys and go home. You are on the right path. And you will get where you want to be.

 

I cannot imagine working with him..I dont know how you can do it..It would be a constant reminder to me..Out of sight hopefully out of mind is what I am thinking.. I agree with you tho my MM is married will always be married bc he would prefer to stay there whether he is truly happy or not..I venture to say not bc if he was he wouldnt hold on to me so dearly for so long, nor have no problem having a PA with me. Or perhaps something is just missing in his marriage which he got from me and maybe he does love her? I really do not know as he has never said either way..I am on the right path I know I am its just seems like a difficult path. But truth be told, I should have been on it a decade ago..Now I think I am ready (praying anyway)

[Cherbear]

If you go NC totally he will get out of your head a lot more quickly. I work closely with MM so unless I want to shut a successful business and work in Walmart or something (if all those jobs are not already taken in this economy...) I am where I am.

 

But you dont have to be in touch with him. You can make the break. And if you dont want to think about him you wont. you are starting a new chapter in your life. You owe it to yourself to make the most of it.

 

The death of "the dream" is difficult but its healing as well. In that way its no different than leaving a single man or a divorce - you may not want to close the chapter but its closed. Its not feeding your soul and its never going to get you where you want to be. That doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. But you have learned. We have all learned...

 

I know xMM still misses me and thinks of me all the time- but so what? He is still married and has no concrete plans to go anywhere. At this rate I think hes going to "mull it over" until hes 80.... Its no different for you. Time to gather up your toys and go home. You are on the right path. And you will get where you want to be.

 

Great post!! So true!

[Gamine]

Perhaps this man is your security blanket. The thing that kept you distracted from yourself and your own marriage. In a way, he almost serves to enable the continuation of your marriage. I cannot help but wonder whether you would have remained married all of these years if you did not have him to fantasize about. He has been a considerable distraction it seems.

 

This is a mutual use job. Romantic love is cotton candy. Real love is what you do for one another.

 

Whatever you do in your life... whatever your choices... make sure that they are choices you can be proud of. Living in the shadows is not only unfulfilling it has no point whatsoever... legitimately. See how it has left you feeling empty?

 

So, maybe this fella got you through the bad times in your marriage... get a divorce or stay married... but for heaven's sake do one or the other with sincerity. At the end of your life look back with a smile and a heart that is overflowing with pride over the living, loving, and goodness you've brought yourself and others. Kiss him goodbye and enter into a new chapter of your life ... one where you are actually living the life you desire.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No one made you cheat, you did it out of your own free will.

 

You caused this to yourself. You got infatuated with a married man, you felll for the game.

 

You got played, deal with it.

 

There's no need for crying and sobbing over what could have been, you got played and that is what you get for having and affair, (while married ) he's married to, he'll have sex with you but dont want to sacrifise his kids for his mistress because she's not that important, meaning he didnt want to hedge his bets.

 

Bottom line is you need to accept that all you was was, a bed buddy, nothing more nothing less. Some men only care about you in the sack.

 

...that's it, cut and dry the whole unvarnished truth.

[hartbroken]

No one made you cheat, you did it out of your own free will.

 

You caused this to yourself. You got infatuated with a married man, you felll for the game.

 

You got played, deal with it.

 

There's no need for crying and sobbing over what could have been, you got played and that is what you get for having and affair, (while married ) he's married to, he'll have sex with you but dont want to sacrifise his kids for his mistress because she's not that important, meaning he didnt want to hedge his bets.

 

Bottom line is you need to accept that all you was was, a bed buddy, nothing more nothing less. Some men only care about you in the sack.

 

...that's it, cut and dry the whole unvarnished truth.

 

Actually no I wasnt just a bed buddy as you put it as the sex was extremely rare...It was more an emotional thing...but yes I had an affair while married but then again most people wonder why I have stayed married to the person I have as he is a terrible spouse (thats a story in itself which I am not going to get into but I have seen the light there as well..he is no angel and I feel zero guilt I am sorry to say as he has done many things to me that dont bear repeating.) None of this is relevant tho. I have finally realized and seen this relationship for what it is..destructive and hurtful and now its time to heal and move on...It will be hard but I will make it!