HELP! Emotional Affair, Abusive childhood, depression, ADHD,

[stone22]

I am coming off of a long, weird, and painful emotional affair with a former co-worker. It lasted for a good 19 months- only working with her 6 months and 13 months with a few emotionally distant emails (no verbal or physical contact) and lots and lots of tears and loneliness.

 

My wife saw a journal entry I had made on my laptop about a year ago about how I felt about this girl, devastating her and bringing a whole mess of problems to the forefront.

 

We have since been making some sort of progress on our marriage, which has lasted almost 4 years. We started dating when we were 15, which was 11 years ago. She had a mentally abusive father who was also physically abusive to her mother. We started dating a few months after her best friend killed himself. Much of our relationship began dealing with her trying to cope with the trauma in her life.

 

Background on me: I was physically abused by my schizophrenic mother throughout childhood and had a father who was emotionally neglectful. On top of that I was constantly and unfairly mentally abused by my grade school teacher in a private school. Despite constant complaining and crying- my siblings and I were forced to ride out our entire grade school experience with the despicable human being who called himself a Christian.

 

My wife and I had a great relationship all the way up until we completed 3rd month of marriage. (We had been together for 7 1/2 years at that point, just started living together at age 23.) Introduce porn. Problem # 1. Enough said.

 

Got over that issue, but then came heavy depression. I was having a hard time working through college, and dealing with rapid advancement in job because of my seemingly mature persona. (Very good at impression management). Caused problems because I was given a job that was too much for me. Switched jobs to a horrible national retailer. About 8 months into my marriage- I got so depressed that I would just lay in bed after I got home. The only friend that I had was my wife and the very, very casual acquaintances at work. The people that I hung out with were mainly my wife's family, and my siblings-- somewhat mimicking my childhood. The puzzling part is that I am constantly told that I am attractive by forward women, (usually older than me)- and most people that meet me would never guess that I am shy. I am a good guy- but just am scared to death to make friends-- worried that they will not find me interesting enough to hang out with and see who I really am.

 

Over the past year my wife have had a very cold and somewhat lukewarm relationship. I am done and over my emotional affair- but only after I got closure by chance when I ran into the OW at a Wedding Expo show. I did not get over her despite my wife DEMANDING that I cease contact with her and not look her up on social networking site. Remember- I was not talking with her or emailing her- but still desperately wishing that I could talk to her and just be with her.

 

I came to the conclusion that the reason for my emotional affair was because of my piss poor marriage model as a kid, abuse from my mother and grade school teacher- neglect from my father-- which all led to a low self esteem and a piss poor emotional anchor--- leading me to make the decision to give in to alluring and tempting feelings for a flirty and cute co-worker. Also- my wife is very immature emotionally as well. She is the youngest and used to getting her way. Imagine how a relationship would go when you have a bratty girlfriend who bosses around a high school boy who has a piss poor self esteem? Imagine if her family constantly reinforced my demeaning behavior and her bratty bossiness-- only judging the relationship (through their dirty perspective) by how happy their daughter was. ( I have become awesome at pleasing people. It was the only good form of attention I new how to get.)

 

So this emotional affair has been kind of an unleashing of sorts for my pent up aggression for how displeased I am with how my wife and her family treated me. In reality it isn't my wife's fault, but her parents should have noticed the potential harm when they decided to take me under their wing at such a young age-- confusing the girlfriend/mentor/mother role.

 

SO I guess- what I am looking for- is clarification. I am not happy with my wife, and feel that she is a stuffy bitch who is not honest with herself- thinks she is more than she is (she creates her own titles-- (says she owns the business that her mother created and still actively runs- when no legal exchange has ever been made). I constantly wonder what it would be like to date other girls and desperately miss that part of my life. (I am 26- going through--uh-- a quarter life crisis.) I want to experience the WORLD. Regardless of how disjointed my writing is in this post- I know that I am an intelligent person who has the ability to see the world in a very unique way.

 

My wife is 26, and still attached to her mothers hip. She takes it as a personal attack when I calmly bring up the idea of moving to a more exciting part of the country- away from her family. She has never, ever given me ANY sort of hint that she is EVER willing to move- (she says its because she doesn't want to leave her job- but she will never admit that she is scared to leave her family. Her immediate and extended family all live with in 20 sq miles of each other.)

 

I am scared to death to divorce my wife- not for financial reasons- but for how I will be judged by the few people that are in my life. I will be looked at as scum and a lowlife- even though I feel that I didn't ask for many of these things that led me to make some of these decisions in my life.

 

I am scared that it will be a mistake. I am scared of how painful it will be. I am scared that my wife will conveniently drop thoughts of suicide on me when we get close to splitting up again.

 

Oh- man-- Any help??

 

Oh- interesting note--- the happiest times in my life were my Freshman and Senior year of highschool (the years with the least presence of my wife), the first 6 months of our break, and-- interestingly--- our wedding.

 

Confused? So am I.

[whichwayisup]

Those who are your true friends, won't judge you or feel let down because you may divorce or separate from your wife. They should be there for you, understand and listen to what you're going through..

 

I suggest counselling because many of your fears and early MLC is from your past and upbringing. It's done alot of damage to you and seeking out other women, running away from your wife isn't going to make you happy in the long run. Sure in the moment and it could be a quick fix bandaid, but those ghosts from the past will haunt you UNTIL you face them, deal with them and let them go..

 

You and your wife are young and maybe marriage counselling together could help.

[NoIDidn't]

I suggest counseling too, whether you decide to stay married or to divorce.

 

The list of problems you listed are reasons behind some of your behavior but it excuses none of it. Especially if you are aware of it and doing nothing other than self-medicating with inappropriate things (porn, affairs, emotional distance, alcohol, etc.) to feel better.

 

Your W and her family are the least of your worries. You need to work on you. I feel for you. One of my grandparents is schizophrenic and it deeply affects everyone around them. But its no excuse for poor decisions when we know better for ourselves.

 

Check out cognitive behavior therapy.

 

I think if the relationship was mostly happy until after the marriage, it isn't the marriage. Its something in you that doesn't cope well with the responsibilities of such.

 

Good luck, though.

[sadintexas]

Being a people pleaser and having fear of divorce because of what other people with think tells me that you may be aware that you are a people pleaser, but you are still carrying out that behavior.

 

I only point that out to show you that you may be gaining awareness, but you aren't really dealing with it yet. Counseling would be a very good idea.

 

Having said that, your feelings about your wife may or may not be valid at this point. You won't really know until you have worked out your own issues. But, if you are unhappy and feel that divorcing her will make you happier, then do it and don't worry what others think about you. You can't live your life for other people. Not in that sense. You have to be true to yourself first.

[smarterthanbefore]

You are blaming your wife for your shortcomings. The fact is you were with her for 7 years prior to marriage, so you knew who she was before you said " I do". The problem is not your wife, the problem is you. You are trying to make your unhappiness your wife's fault. Classic behavior of a cheater, blame the spouse for your poor decision of an affair. You seem to have a lot of issues to deal with. With all the baggage you have, it is more reasonable that you are the problem in the marriage. Marriage counseling will help, but more importantly you need individual counseling for yourself. You had a horrible child hood, and you need to deal with these issues before you can even start to be a good husband, so far you have not been. Just like you say your wife pretends to be someone she is not, so do you. You pretend to be confident and mature when you said yourself you are not. Both you and your wife need heavy duty individual counseling, you two have to much baggage for any marriage you are in to work. Good luck to you.

[darby1]

First of all, life is precious and there are many different phases to experience. You seem to be stuck in an on going phase that will never change until you change it. Only a few couple's by chance can be so lucky that they change together through out their forever bond. Reality is not this happily ever after, say I do and never leave facade we are all taught. Reality is filled with constant change, every second we are growing.. you can't bottle that up and expect it to feel right and not to be smothering. You love your wife. You care about here very much. You have been through a lot together and that bond will never cease. Love is a two way street. You are young and there is a large world out there you have every right to be curious to experience. She should understand your desires and not take them so personally. If you love something set it free. You are becoming disgusted by your wife because you are blaming her for your unhappiness. You fear what other people will think of you if you seek happiness. You have trapped yourself inside a bubble of insecurity protected by obligations you made. You need to shake off these feelings of hate and blame and take that step forward to take responsibility for your life. People will respect you for doing what they fear. Living. Don't kid yourself though, you will miss her, you will go through a period of adjustment, but you will get through it and find yourself in a better position than you are in now. Your wife should ideally support your conquest to be happy, because when you are truly happy you will be able to bring that happiness to her. If you don't stand up and take that leap of faith, you will continue to spiral downward into a life of blame, hate and what if's, not healthy for anyone involved. Keep the past where it is.. in the past. Your childhood traumas are no longer able to touch you. Look around yourself. That abusive teacher is gone. You no longer live with your parents.. and btw, my mother was schitzophrenic who beat us and Dad emotionally neglectful too. I know this one.. they can't hurt you anymore. Love is out there to experience, but you must love yourself first. Have some self respect while respecting others. No one can hurt you that you don't let in. Good Luck! you can do it. and be proud of yourself.

[KismetGirl]

You are blaming your wife for your shortcomings. The fact is you were with her for 7 years prior to marriage, so you knew who she was before you said " I do". The problem is not your wife, the problem is you. You are trying to make your unhappiness your wife's fault. Classic behavior of a cheater, blame the spouse for your poor decision of an affair. You seem to have a lot of issues to deal with. With all the baggage you have, it is more reasonable that you are the problem in the marriage. Marriage counseling will help, but more importantly you need individual counseling for yourself. You had a horrible child hood, and you need to deal with these issues before you can even start to be a good husband, so far you have not been. Just like you say your wife pretends to be someone she is not, so do you. You pretend to be confident and mature when you said yourself you are not. Both you and your wife need heavy duty individual counseling, you two have to much baggage for any marriage you are in to work. Good luck to you.

 

With all due respect, I dont think he knew his wife as well as he thought when he married her, and vice versa. IMO they got married way too young. Do you know ANYONE who is the same person at 16 years old, as when they are pushing 30 years old? I don't. I think that perhaps they are simply growing apart as a natural way of life. They really may just not be well suited for each other. Alot of people who are with the same person from a very young age end up divorced because they never give themselves a chance to experience other people or really find out what they want in a relationship, and if that person is the right one.

 

Not that I think he should run to divorce, but I think that marriage counseling, as well as individual therapy, is an absolute must. Her family and his friend's opinions on his relationship should be irrelevant.

 

I am also 26 years old and I can tell you, I know how he feels about the whole "quarter life crisis" thing....it's an age when you are realizing you are an "adult" now and you really need to get your sh*t together and figure out what you want your life to be like. It's the first time you really start to think this way. When youre only in high school, or only in college, or even just right out of college, the world is still your oyster (so to speak) and its ok to test the waters and try this job or try that job or f**k around a little, but you get to a certain point around 25-26 when it dawns on you that you're really an adult now and you need to figure out what you're doing with yourself- whether that be in relationships, career, all of the above, etc. I can also say with great certainty that it has taken me years to realize what sort of a man I want to be in a relationship with: if I look back at the personalities or types of relationships I considered "ideal" when I was in high school or even college, they do not remotely resemble what I now realize I want in a relationship with someone. I think the OP needs to consider that maybe, just maybe, he got married too young and this isn't the right person for him.

 

With his background, I suspect he has long considered what was the seemingly "best" or "proper" thing to do (eg- get married after being with someone for 7 years) as opposed to what really makes him happy.

 

I don't think it's weird that he would think his wedding was one of his happiest moments....a wedding is not real. It is a one-day fairy tale with hopes and promises of happiness. Whether or not that leads to those things once the reality of real life kicks in is another story. In this case, it appears his one-day fairy tale has not kept to reality.

 

to the OP: You need to figure out what's going to make YOU happy. You didn't say if you have kids, but if you don't, figure it out before you do. I'm sure you love your wife being with her so long and don't want to dissapoint her or anyone else, but you can't live your life just to make other people happy now can you. It's very natural to be attracted to other people or curious about other women, but when you really love someone and want to be with them, your desire to stay married will outweigh those other curiousities. If they don't, then perhaps it is time to move on. You are both very young and will easily be able to move on with life. Your wife has plenty of family nearby, so don't feel like you have to be guilted into staying with her just because she threatens to harm herself if you leave her.

 

Im the same age as you, and I want to see the world, I want to experience things, finish medical school, and eventually get married and have a family, but in due time. A marriage should be something that makes you happy. It's not EASY , and marriage requires hard work, but at the end of the day it should make you happy. If it doesn't, then maybe this relationship isn't really what you need.

 

So, try counseling, try therapy, but at the end of the day don't force it. You're only 26, for chrissake. Don't wake up in 20 years and wish you would have changed it when you had the chance. The past, while it can follow you forever, doesn't have to affect you forever. It is YOUR life now- not your parents' life, not your friends' life. That old teacher is gone. Divorce isn't generally happy, and you will feel bad about it, but eventually you and your wife will move on, if that's what is best for you. People do it all the time. Good luck

[stone22]

Classic behavior of a cheater, blame the spouse for your poor decision of an affair...

 

Hmm... did someone get cheated on?????

 

Sorry-- may have had good intentions, but your own problems scream louder than your advice. More complex than you think.

[stone22]

Love is out there to experience, but you must love yourself first. Have some self respect while respecting others. No one can hurt you that you don't let in. Good Luck! you can do it. and be proud of yourself.

 

Thank you! All my life I have been told I have been doing things wrong, and very rarely get encouragement. It seems that I am always the one giving it out to others... It feels great have someone give a positive and insightful post!

[stone22]

With all due respect, I dont think he knew his wife as well as he thought when he married her, and vice versa. IMO they got married way too young. Do you know ANYONE who is the same person at 16 years old, as when they are pushing 30 years old? I don't.

 

 

 

I am also 26 years old and I can tell you, I know how he feels about the whole "quarter life crisis" thing....it's an age when you are realizing you are an "adult" now and you really need to get your sh*t together and figure out what you want your life to be like.

 

With his background, I suspect he has long considered what was the seemingly "best" or "proper" thing to do (eg- get married after being with someone for 7 years) as opposed to what really makes him happy.

 

 

to the OP: You need to figure out what's going to make YOU happy.

 

 

Don't wake up in 20 years and wish you would have changed it when you had the chance.

 

 

This girl gets it. Wow. I find it amazing that there are other people out there that can look at a situation unemotionally from a bird's eye perspective. You have made so much sense. I totally respect the intelligence that you put into this as well as the events in your life that have given you this perspective.

 

What kind of doctor are you going to be? Whatever you decide, you are definitely going in the right direction. Most people don't understand empathy.

[stone22]

 

Your W and her family are the least of your worries. You need to work on you. I feel for you. One of my grandparents is schizophrenic and it deeply affects everyone around them. But its no excuse for poor decisions when we know better for ourselves.

 

Check out cognitive behavior therapy.

 

I think if the relationship was mostly happy until after the marriage, it isn't the marriage. Its something in you that doesn't cope well with the responsibilities of such.

 

Good luck, though.

 

Interesting point... I'll have to ponder this one. Cognitive therapy, huh? I'll look into it.

 

Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

Cognitive therapy

 

Definately look into CBT. I suffered from an anxiety disorder and CBT saved me.. My train of though is, what you put into therapy is what you get out of it.

 

Do some reading up on it and also check out your local hospitals, medical clinics, Universities, Colleges..See what's available and what's covered.

[Owl]

Personally, I say just go get divorced.

 

So your few friends will be upset with you...big deal.

 

The reality here is that all you're doing right now is making you AND your wife completely miserable.

 

You're not ready for marriage...you're not ready for committment to a single person.

 

You want to go explore the world.

 

Your wife deserves someone who CAN be committed to her in a real marriage relationship.

 

File for divorce, go see the world. Free your wife to find someone who can love her as she deserves.

 

If the only thing truly holding you back is how your "few friends" will feel about it...well...that's nothing compared to the gift you'll be giving yourself and your wife, right?

[2sure]

Get a divorce. You dont like your wife. And it doesnt sound like she likes you. You are both young , move on completely. Everyone has issues, but your issues do not woek with each other.

 

You have to be on your own for awhile to learn to deal with your issues. Until you cn accept and embrace who you are, and take responsibility for your actions...you just dont have much to offer each other.