bks Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 All my life ive always looked down on people who cheat, and definitely on those who entered into a relationship with a MM OR MW. I thought that was as low as you could go. So tell me why im letting myself fall for a MM. when I full well know he is a MM. Im not the type who easily falls for people. Matter of fact I rarely fall for people, because I tend to find too many things wrong and leave. But I started a new job almost a year ago, and at this job I met a guy. I'll call him john. We talked a few times, and he told me he was married and that was that. We both work about 70 to 80 hours a week mon-fri. Needless to say we spend more time together then apart. He is exactly what I look for in someone. And the more time at work we spend together the more I find myself wishing I was with him. Maybe Im reading the signs wrong, but it seems like he feels the same way I do. We talk about everything. Except for his wife. He always flirts with me, and he tells me im beautiful. Not to mention I see the way he looks at me. He'll bring me food, or make me coffee without my even having to ask. We have even had lunch on our lunch break before. Nothing physical has happened. But if it did. I wouldnt stop it. In the back of my head I know its wrong, but you cant help who you fall in love with. so, any advice would be good. even if you tell me how wrong I am for wanting a MM to leave his wife for me. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 so, any advice would be good. even if you tell me how wrong I am for wanting a MM to leave his wife for me. Not wrong, but perhaps misguided? Over-optimistic? A little naive? There is a huge gulf between flirting at work and leaving your W for someone - a leap your imagination has just soared over effortlessly without considering what that would actually involve, and the likelihood (or otherwise) of it happening. If you work those kind of hours, it's only natural for you to want to make them as pleasant as possible - that's what he's doing, and you too. The daily reality you return to is something else - that's not (necessarily) what he's seeking to change or replace here; rather, he's augmenting that by making his working life pleasant, with you. My advice: If you want a workplace affair, and you're (both) willing to take all the risks (to personal and professional reputation, possibly work security - depending on company policies, to promotion prospects, etc) and are certain you can contain it (essentially by not caring too much - perhaps though you're already beyond that point?), then proceed. If you're wanting more than that - him to leave his M for you, say - then stop right now. That's not what's on offer. My MM did D his (now x)W and we're now together, so I'm not one of those who'll claim these things never work or that you're evil for wanting such a thing. But the road to your dreams is a very very long and hard one, filled with more obstacles than you could possibly imagine at this point - and you're at a place where you're not (yet) hooked enough for it to be inevitable. You have a choice at this point - and perhaps you'd like to read some of the threads here to get a taste of what's typically involved in these situations, so that you know what you're likely to be taking on in choosing an A... and then think if that's really what you want. And if you do choose to proceed, best have an open and upfront discussion with him where you set out what you want, and expect, so that he can decided what he can and can't offer, and agree groundrules upfront so that you both know where you stand. Else you'll be sitting around at home crying into your coffee while he's out partying with his family, and he'll feel fine about it (you knew he was M, after all) while you'll feel he's gone back on your agreement... and the fun and fizzle will turn to heartache, and you'll be stuck working 90-hour weeks with your eyes so swollen you can't see straight. Good luck - I hope you choose informedly! Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 so, any advice would be good. even if you tell me how wrong I am for wanting a MM to leave his wife for me. I doubt that will ever happen. It's possible but it is such a huge gamble that I cannot figure out why people risk their hearts. The best advice I can give you is to run. Run now while you still can. Not because his wife is going to be hurt or their children, but because if you do this, you will be in for a long painful emotional rollercoaster. The relationship will hurt you and may in fact destroy you before the relationship or marriage ends. Read some of the threads here in this forum. If he ever divorces, then that would be a good time to see if you guys mesh. Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Nothing physical has happened. But if it did. I wouldnt stop it. In the back of my head I know its wrong, but you cant help who you fall in love with. so, any advice would be good. even if you tell me how wrong I am for wanting a MM to leave his wife for me. You can fall in love with someone without wanting to. There's no doubt about that BUT you are still in the driver's seat when it comes to your own choices. Just because we have strong feelings about a person or situation doesn't mean that we can abdicate responsibility for our own actions. Saying that you are too in love to stop yourself is a cop out. If strong emotion made decisions beyond our control than murder out of hatred would be able to be used as a solid defense in a murder trial. Just imagine that one: "but my client couldn't help himself, ladies and gentlemen because he was overwhelmed by feelings of intense hatred for his ex-wife." My advice is: stop rationalizing, validating and making excuses for yourself. Be the person you want to be and accept that if you fall short it's not because things are beyond your control but because of choices you make. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 My advice would be to get yourself out of this situation. I think its irrelevant how 'wrong' or not it is to wish he were with you, because the chances are he never will be. Getting yourself into an affair at work is one of the worst things you can do for yourself. Aside from the difficulties it presents if the affair is found out, or just in ending it if you're working so closely with him (who is going to leave their job?), the emotional cost is one that no one would willingly put themselves through. Take that from an ex-OW. Please read some of the threads on here from OW trying to get over an affair and ask yourself if you want to be going through such things..? Practically speaking I'd just tell yourself its somewhere you don't want to go. And then focus on other things. Get yourself out more socialising and try to cut down on the one-on-one time with him, or at least on the more personal conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Yes it is wrong to want a family to break up for your own happiness. You can be attracted to him but do not screw over his family. Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 There is nothing but heartache and pain in store for you if you let this progress. Nip it in the bud while you still can. Unless you quit your job and work someplace else, you will have to continue to see this guy hours on end each day. So next time he starts flirting with you, cut him off. And leave it at that. And if he doesn't take the hint the first time, cut him off again. Until he gets your point. You are probably more attracted to him than in love with him. You don't know any more than what he's shown you, so how can you really love him? I realize that you are working many hours/week which is leaving you with little socializing time. But make the time somehow to go out with friends, do things for yourself that make you feel good, go out on some dates. Just get this guy off your mind. He's certainly not available for you (he's already committed to his wife), so don't make yourself available to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bks Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Honestly thanks for the advice. I had read some other threads and I noticed a lot of bashing. But that was all pretty honest, and whether it was what I wanted to hear or not, it was true. So obviously I have a lot to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 but you cant help who you fall in love with. But you can choose how you react to it and how you are around him. You have an active choice in whether or not this turns into an affair. The choice is yours. Are you ready for the pain, hurting another woman (his wife) and help him betray her and his kids (if he has any) let alone hurting yourself in the process? Are you ready to face the fallout? Are you ready to face the office gossip when people start figuring out you two are too close for comfort? Will you be able to show him off to your friends and family, have an open relationship where there's no hiding and doing things in secret? My guess is no.. You can love him, but it doesn't mean to you HAVE to have him. Even if he's flirting with you, or makes a move on you..He is acting very inappropriately around you and imagine if he were YOUR husband and he was doing this with another woman and she was willingly 'ready' to let something happen. I bet you would't be pleased at all - Just like his wife will be if you go down this road. Yes I know you're not the married one, he is.. Don't make the wrong choice by having an affair. Try to put yourself IN each situation as you read some of the threads in this section..You want to live like that? Right now you're OK and if something doesn't happen, you'll be FINE. A year from now? NO way, you'll be crushed and your life will be ruined. We talk about everything. Except for his wife. And why do you think that is? Why not ask him why he doesn't tell you about his wife, their marriage and what goes on at home? My guess is, things are fine at home, he's happy - BUT - While at work he gets his ego fed big time by pleasing you and flirting with you. HE KNOWS what he's doing and he's well aware that you're falling for him. Sadly, for you, men can easily separate sex and love so if you think he's falling inlove with you and one day going to leave his wife for you, you're mistaken.. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Ok, lets say for a moment that this MM is ok with cheating on his wife. Its not uncommon, as far as affair goes, to find a partner at work (given the time spent together) and it is sadly not uncommon to find a partner who is either vunerable at the time (lonely/bad break up/not dating) who seems willing. Most often, the seed of justification is planted when he starts confiding in you about how hard he tries with his marriage but its unhappy. But he hasnt done anything as of yet to make you think he is interested in cheating on his wife (let alone leaving her). Bringing someone coffee/food - occasionally having a lunch break becoming work friends and or flirting are not unusual things for nice co-workers to do. If he starts calling you out of work to talk about things other thann work - that might be an indication. If that hppens, do you really want to put yourself into such a vunerable position? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Honestly thanks for the advice. I had read some other threads and I noticed a lot of bashing. But that was all pretty honest, and whether it was what I wanted to hear or not, it was true. So obviously I have a lot to think about. bks, I just hope you manage to steer away from this. You still have a relatively easy choice and a simple situation at the moment. If you get involved with him, it WILL mean heartache. Please think carefully about it, and do the right thing for you Link to post Share on other sites
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