sshish216 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 So glad I found this place. Reading all these posts has helped me a lot. How I ended up getting involved with a separated guy, I don' t know. It snuck up on me. But I ended it and I know I did the right thing. He ended up going back to his wife for the sake of the kids and for financial reasons. He suggested I stay on the side. I flat out said no way. It was bad enough I did what I did. They both cheated on each other, the wife moved out for 4-5 months with her bf and right before xmas, they decided to try again. They mediated and the final papers were to be filed when out of the blue they got back together. I was only involved with him for 4-5 months and I have been in NC for a month and a half and it still hurts, I still think of him everyday. I can't imagine being involved with him a year or more. The hurt must be horrible if I hurt this much and it was short lived. All I know is I didn't want to be second choice, live on the side lines waiting for him. That is no way to live. So thanks to all of you for writing. It helps to read that others have gone through the same thing and it keeps me strong. I have to keep looking forward, not back. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Thank God! Its hard I guess, once you're in it longer, to not buy into all the lies required for an affair to go on. Personally, like you, thats just not for me. It seems like most of the OW - the ones who stay - were caught up in the affairs during a vulnerable period, then came to rely on MM for love, validation, etc. You are not that person, but feel the loss none the less. And you know that he isnt the person you thought he was, or the one he "tried on" being. And - I think you got out just in time...the "going back for the kids and financial reasons"...said by every single MM. Every single one. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlNextDoor11 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Honestly honey I don't think you should beat yourself up so much. I really don't think you've done anything wrong. Actually I think you did the right thing by not becoming the OW. You put your foot down when he asked you to be his on the side girl. Theres nothing wrong with dating a SM....he is seperated and in the process of divorce. Yes sometimes they end up going back but not always. I myself met my man when he was seperated too, but I wasn't strong enough like you to say no to being the OW. Mine went back for financial reasons too. (For certian reasons I can't post my story but trust me I would love too.) I wish you well and hope the hurt eases soon! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 There's separated and then there's separated. It sounded like this guy was separated but in words only, not in actions. Stay strong and remember once you heal from all this, you're going to be okay. A new life ahead of you, so focus on that. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Yeah, I'm with WWIU. It seems this guy was only separated in that his W left HIM!!! I guess he felt that if he had you on the side, he was somehow getting back at his W. What a wanker! The hurt will lessen as time goes on. But it seems to me that the pain you feel is more related to how things ended. You didn't do anything wrong. He misrepresented himself to you. Don't beat yourself up for his idiotic behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Aquarius Rising Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I can't imagine being involved with him a year or more. The hurt must be horrible if I hurt this much and it was short lived. All I know is I didn't want to be second choice, live on the side lines waiting for him. That is no way to live. You said it girlfriend ....... I tried to get out at least three times over the 14mths I was the OW and just couldn't seem to find the strength. I'm on my 2nd week of NC and it's tough .... but it was definitely "NO WAY TO LIVE" .... I settled for the crumbs and that's what I came away with really. You've done well .... you got out relatively early .... good for you ... You're better than that .......... we all are ...... just takes some of us longer to see it. Thanks for sharing AR Link to post Share on other sites
Author sshish216 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Thank you for your kind replies. This place and you guys are awesome! I did beat myself up in the beginning a litte. He was the one doing the pursuing. I started to see where he was using me to get back at his wife. We were neighbors and he picked me up at my house drove me over to his driveway because his kids were in the house. His kids came out and wanted to know who was in the car. Just what he wanted....his kids to tell Mom that Dad had a woman in his car. Makes me sick to think of it. I don't want crumbs from someone anymore. I had that in my 16 yr marriage. I want the whole loaf of bread!!! And I don't share very well either. But I knew what I was getting involved in and did it anyway. I guess I miss the connection, the guy in my life. I didnt even want a full blown relationship with him. Ok maybe just a FWB type relationship. I have been married,had kids. I dont want someone full time. I am too independant for that. I was disappointed again. But I now can see the hurt that is involved and I feel for those who fell into this type of situation for years. It must be so much harder. Thanks again for being here and keeping me on the high road. I know I have to say NO to the things I don't want and yes to the things I do want. Trouble is I am always saying NO it seems. UGH Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 There's separated and then there's separated. It sounded like this guy was separated but in words only, not in actions. Stay strong and remember once you heal from all this, you're going to be okay. A new life ahead of you, so focus on that. Amen. You are one of the few who said NO and moved on. The pain does eventually subside. Take it one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
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