New to Forum....Familiar Story

[bobella]

Good Morning:

 

I just stumbled upon this forum this morning. Like many of you, I have been involved with a CP (I am starting to figure out the shorthand). In my case, it has been with an MW. She and I met about three months before her wedding. We had a good rapport almost immediately, and quickly became friends. Over the course of those three months leading up to her wedding, he talked more, spent more time together, and started having feelings for each other. Finally, about 3 weeks before her wedding, we told each other how we felt and started having a physical relationship.

 

I was on cloud 9 that night with her. It was the kind of night where true love seemed possible. She spent alot of time with me during the following weeks leading up to her wedding. I, of course, asked her not to go through with it. She had told me before we ever started out relationship that she didn't love the guy she was going to marry. I wanted her to call off the wedding, but not only because of me. She also would say that she didn't want to get married, but she thought it was too close to the wedding to call it off. She was afraid of disappointing so many people, etc... At times, she implied that she might call it off and not go through with it if I promised her we'd live happily everafter. She even had a brilliant plan (sarcasm) that it would be better and easier for her to get married, and then get separated and divorced soon thereafter. I always knew such a plan was ridiculous, but in the end, I more or less went along with it.

 

She got married the end of April. Although I told her that I would not carry on this affair once she was married, that changed about 3 weeks later. From that point on, she would sneak off and see me a couple of nights a week. Her husband frequently travelled for work so it made the whole thing very easy for her to pull off. From the beginning, I would ask her when she was going to get separated. I also told her how contrary to her original claim, getting separated/divorced is NOT an easier solution than not getting married in the first place.

 

In June, her husband found a bunch of e-mails that she and I had exchanged. She was away with me that weekend, he called her up, and everything it seemed was out in the open. Instead of using that as an opportunity to get the ball rolling on the separation, she used it as a chance to get a different phone (he had also started checking for my number on her bills), and continue to live her double life.

 

To make a long story short, I was still seeing her up until this past Friday night. She claims that she has told her husband that she is getting separated, although they still live together. She has claimed that she was going to tell her mother that about everything, but of course that hasn't happened either.

 

What's amazing is that in every fight we have had over this, her position has always been to get angry about how I don't believe she is doing anything. She makes it seem as if I haven't been patient, that I won't wait, etc... I have waited for 8 months hearing "I love you's", "I don't want to marry him", "I am going to leave him", "I want to have kids with you", "I want to marry you", and so on, and she is still there.

 

I am trying to walk away from this. I am sick of being dirty little secret. I am sick of not really knowing what is going on or what will happen. I am tired of trying to believe what she says when what she actually does is so inconsitent with that. I am sick of feeling pathetic over being so powerless in all this. She has always had control over the situation--there isn't anything I could have done. I waited, and nothing happened. I trusted, and I ended up feeling betrayed. I told her i would marry her, I told her I would move in with her, etc... I did all that and perhaps I could have done more, but at the end of the day, she is the one who can get separated--she is the only one who can do the 1 thing that needs to happen for us to really be together.

 

None of that changes the fact that I love her though and that i am miserable without her. She e-mailed me Sunday night, called me Monday afternoon, and sent me a text Monday evening, but I haven't responded to any of them.

 

I don't know, I guess i wanted to introduce myself and my situation to the forum. I don't know if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, but i would certainly welcome that. If nothing else, from reading a number of other posts, I see how common a pattern this has all been. I don't know if that helps or just makes it all the more depressing.

[whichwayisup]

This selfish and cruel married woman of yours needs to be booted by both you and her husband. WHY on earth would she marry when she was having an affair with you? Her poor husband!! He doesn't deserve this! BUT, he took vows and obviously wants to give her a chance to see if they can fix things..God only know why.

 

I have a question, what is it about her you actually adore? This woman is a cheater, a liar and is living a double life! She CHOSE to get married, even though you were having an affair beforehand..And you stuck around afterwards to continue the affair.

 

Anyway, if you want her, you'll always just be the OM in her life. She has NO intention of ending her marriage. She's a cakeeater, she's selfish and living a double life. What makes you think you're more special than her husband? What if one day they DO divorce, could you really trust her? Look what she's done to him before and after their vows!!

 

Keep going with the no contact. I hope you break it off with her forever because you are the one losing out on life, wasting your love on someone who only cares about herself.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Bobella,

Well, I have no astute pearls of wisdom for you, and nothing brilliant to say. But dangit, what a ride you've been on! My heart goes out to you in this situation. Your MW went into her marriage with your A already in bloom. It sounds like, from your description, that she's getting too much of an adrenaline rush in being able to sneak around on her H's back. And being such an adrenaline junkie, I can't possibly fathom that she is a good catch for you, should you ever succeed in catching her.

 

Best of luck to you, hang in there, cutting your ties is the best advice I can give.

 

LG

[jwi71]

Hi bobella - wish we could have "met" under different circumstances.

 

She does not love you. It's a lie.

She has chosen her H each and every time.

1) She married him despite you. In other words, and harshly, she CHOSE him over you. Why do you think?

2) She could have had the marriage annulled. Didn't. Kept you on the side instead. Why?

3) She could have filed for divorce if the annulment period had elapsed. Didn't. Once more...why? Why didn't she actually ACT.

 

She doesn't love you that's why. If she loved you, she would be single and by your side.

 

She is a proven and capable liar. She is extraordinarily deceptive. She has zero commitment to either of you. Honestly, is that what you want in a wife?

 

The best thing she ever did was date you and marry him. Talk about showing one's true colors.

 

Walk away. This is nothing but trouble. SHE is nothing but trouble.

 

You deserve better than her (so does her H).

[bobella]

Whichwayisup: I completely agree with you. I have been in denial over this whole thing for months. I knew how it was going to go and deep down i knew what kind of person she was, but I guess I had some sort of self-important delusion that made me think our relationship was somehow different. For the longest time, I actually believed that we had some sort of real connection that transcended a "typical affair". Sadly, I bet alot of people in this situation have the same misguided belief. Why else would so many people, who truly know better, allow themselves to believe the kind of nonsense one has to believe to put up with this.

[Owl]

It sounds to me like you've come to all the right realizations.

 

The question now is...what are you going to DO about it?

 

It sounds like you've started down the path of NC...but you're not there yet.

 

You're still getting texts/calls/emails from her.

 

She doesn't know that it's over yet.

 

That's what your next step SHOULD be.

 

A simple, point blank text or email (no calls) telling her that you're done with the whole situation. Make it clear, very point blank, that you want NO contact with her at all, of any kind, until she is completely divorced (looking at timelines, an annulment is likely still an option).

 

And then...change your phone numbers/emails/IM accounts. Block her access to you. Make it so that the only way she COULD reach you is physically...and do NOT accept her back until she meets the conditions you've set.

 

Read my sig...it sums it up.

[wildsoul]

Sadly, I bet alot of people in this situation have the same misguided belief. Why else would so many people, who truly know better, allow themselves to believe the kind of nonsense one has to believe to put up with this.

Absolutely correct. Bobella, you're in the right place!

 

Welcome aboard.

[Tarantula]

She married him,while telling you "love you"?

Drop her,she is worth nothing .

God bless!

Everything will be all right .

[lkjh]

this woman is trash, you are better off without her. Heck if I was you I would send an email or letter to her H so he can get away from her. I doubt you are her first affair. She probably told her H you were stalking her and thats why she got a new phone.

[bobella]

lkjh: That has certainly crossed my mind. I am sure there are a thousand people on here who would tell me what a bad idea it is for me to even consider contacting her H, but I still think about doing it. Once and for all, I would love for everything to be out in the open. I would love for her to get caught in all of her lies and have to start being honest with everyone.

[LavendarGirl]

Bobella, if she got caught in her lies, she would lie herself out of it. She's not that easy to reform, I'm afraid.