FWB sort of thing...

[IAmWhoIAm]

I'm reposting this from the Friends and Lovers section because I would have thought that is where it would go, given that it is sort of a FWB type thing but there is another primary relationship involved so I thought I would repost here to get some feedback. I would appreciate anything you all have to say.

 

Hello, everyone. I'm new here though I've read this forum before. I'm glad to have joined because sometimes it's good to have people who have no emotional bias to bounce things off of and a lot seems to be intelligent and respectful here. I have something going on right now and this area of the forum seems to be the right place for it. Hopefully I can get some good food for thought or opinions or angles I might not have thought about, and look forward to doing the same for someone else in the future.

 

Well, I'm 38, female, just got out of a 4 yr. LTR/engagement not that terribly long ago. He was a nice guy and all and we tried but things just didn't work out. I'm okay with it all and hope things work out in the future for each of us individually. Though I was the initiator and he didn't want to split, it was still a pretty amicable breakup.

 

I've recently come back into steady contact with a male friend of mine who I've known for probably half my life at this point (he contacted me). He is 37 and met when we were about 19-20 years old. We've always had sort of an odd mix of a connection...more than friends but never actually tried out a relationship but kind of always had that attraction and occasionally got physical once in a while. We've always had fun going out crazy places and laughing and talking and spending time together over the years, and occasionally, yes, fooling around once in a while. There were times when we were younger that I think one of us would be express interest around the time the other would be involved with someone else. But after all this time we have never lost contact completely and still enjoy each other's company very much.

 

A little about him...he is right now still in a non-functional relationship he's been in for a while with a woman who has substance abuse issues and from what I know and also been told by him that the relationship in all respects is pretty much just dead but that he helps her by giving her a place to stay and doing his best to help her out to no avail. He tries to be responsible for other people and was very much like this with a male friend of ours in the past who eventually died from a substance-related accident. From what I also understand that he won't leave her because she has tried to commit suicide in the past and he's afraid if he leaves her she will do it again. I know he sounds very codependent and we've all talked to him and given him support when we can on things. They lead pretty much separate lives otherwise.

 

We had been out of touch slightly (or at least not in constant contact) up until recent when he just started touching base with me repeatedly. He started texting and calling me all the time for a couple weeks and then asked me to go out with him to some events he was attending one Sunday. Now we've gone out many times before but this was probably the first time ever we spent the entire day from morning till night together. I have to admit I was excited because even though he's my friend there has always been that spark of attraction between us and we seem to always have fun together when we spend time together. The odd part was that right from the beginning of the day it felt almost more like a date than just us hanging out. I mean, he has always been a gentleman but I was noticing how he was so attentive and doing things like opening doors for me every time all day.

 

So the day is progressing and on a ride from one place to another we got into a conversation about us being still being attracted to one another and though it was no biggie I felt better just getting it out there for whatever reason. So we get to our destination and we are walking around and enjoying the day and I noticed he looked somewhat uneasy. I asked what was wrong and he said that he had promised himself before he left to pick me up that he would "behave himself" but what he really felt like doing while we were walking around at the event was to hold my hand or put his arm around me. I told him if he wanted to that was okay and I had no problem with it. He said he wanted to but at first seemed reluctant to allow himself to do it but eventually just did. So we walked around at the event we were at and talked and he complimented me a lot. As the evening wore on eventually we were standing and talking and all of a sudden he just grabbed me out of nowhere and full on kissed me (and I mean REALLY KISSED ME) several times. After that we had a long talk about his situation and mine and he told me that he really couldn't promise me anything. He said that hanging out/going places/talking/fooling around were okay but he really couldn't give me more than that right now because of what his issues are. I said that was fine (since it's really no different than it's ever been) because I am not really in a head space to get into a committed full time one-on-one 24-7 relationship right now anyway. Then he started in about how he thought I couldn't handle that, and that I shouldn't sell myself short, and that to him I was the star among the group of women I am friends with that he knows (he actually told me I was the Alpha female of our group in his opinion because I've got it all---I raised my eyebrow at that one) and told me all these wonderful things he thought about me and how he sees me (which sort of threw me because he's never been that open and expressive). But then it was mixed message time...

 

I mean we just had the conversation about how he couldn't be more to me than basically a friend with benefits (which was fine with me) but then there he is pouring his heart out, and also for the rest of the night was completely affectionate with me constantly, even going so far to say at one point, "I could do this all day every day forever and ever!" Even the way he was looking at me was different, and if I didn't know better I would swear he was falling for me right there. He was acting like he was totally in love. I was enjoying it but sort of took it with a grain of salt because of what he'd just told me. He stayed this way even the whole way home. When I wasn't talking much on our ride home he kept asking if something was wrong and telling me I looked worried. I finally asked him if perhaps he wasn't projecting his own feelings on to me to which he replied, "I dunno, maybe I am." We got back and he dropped me off, and after running around to open the car door for me again and making sure he got a goodnight kiss, he told me he'd call me the next day.

 

Next day, no call. The day after that he called mutual friend of ours and during a conversation with her told her about the evening and said he was worried I couldn't handle the situation. Our friend told him it would be fine and if he just stayed straight with me things would be okay. I let it go to see how long it would be till he called and also because after what I was told about not getting attached if I would have demanded an explanation it might have made me look like I was going psycho on him, when all I really wanted was so clarification about the inconsistency between what he said and how he was acting and also an answer on why he said he would call and didn't (which is something that annoys me when ANYONE I know does because then I worry something is wrong or that something happened to the person).

 

So finally a few days go by and he touches base with me. I did address the issue of whether or not I can handle being FWBs by telling him that I am an adult and I think I can make the decision to handle it by myself and if for some reason I couldn't I would tell him. I also talked to him about the not calling and explained why as I mentioned above in the last paragraph. The rest of the conversation was normal and fine.

 

Then again he started calling and texting me incessantly again for the past week or two. Very flirty and suggestive stuff or even just random 'hello, how's your day' things and calling me a lot (he'd just recently changed jobs and has been working a lot). So things had been like this all week then about three days ago he mentioned us getting together tomorrow. I said I had to work slightly late, he said he knows (he seems to know my schedule better than I do right now) and we could get together after that adding, "Well, I WOULD like to SEE you!" I said that would be great and that we could touch base on it today and all. Yesterday he was sort of quiet but then today he was contacting me a lot again. Then he called that mutual friend of ours again and reiterated the whole "I don't think she can handle this" thing. Our friend basically told him to STFU and quit worrying so much and that the only way he could know if I can handle it or not would be to just do it. I had something I had to do this evening and left him a message that I would touch base with him when I got done and that was the last I had contact with him earlier tonight. I texted him a few times and got no reply and tried to call but his phone went directly to voice mail so I left a message to give me a call when he got a chance. That was about 4 hours ago and nothing.

 

Now I've talked to a few different people about all this (friends, online friends, my therapist) and the general consensus seems that people think either:

 

A) HE is the one he is worried about developing stronger feelings (if he already doesn't have them) and wanting more and then having to deal with the dilemmas that would be presented with that;

 

OR

 

B) He is really worried if I can handle this (obviously much more than I am);

 

with the majority going with the former choice of A above.

 

I am wondering along with that majority because after talking to yet another mutual friend (though one neither of us are close with) I was told that he had been discussing how long he's known our group of friends, etc. and he volunteered to her that he's "always had a thing" for me.

 

 

As I said, we have known each other for a LONG time and I think he's a really really really terrific person or I wouldn't have kept him in my life and if we could have more that would be great, but I know that that's not the way things are and I'm okay with that. I like him enough that I would want him in my life regardless of if he is my friend, my FWB, my lover, my boyfriend, my husband, whatever. Besides I've already told him I am not in the position to get into a serious heavy duty thing at the moment and I think an FWB situation would be just fine.

 

I really would just like to sit down with him (which I will do, given the opportunity) and ask him what in the world is going on and how I see what he's doing and saying and reiterate what I've said to him already which I've mentioned all here. I'm basically going along with what was agreed upon but he seems to be one minute indulging in that fact and the next minute having a hair-canary about ME not being able to handle this. The only thing I can't handle of it is that he's giving me mixed messages; other than that I have no problem with seeing him more often and pretty much just things being the way they are (which is pretty much how they've ALWAYS been).

 

I even felt better a little just writing about this just now. I just am not understanding from my perspective what he is doing and why, so I'm hoping putting this out there for other people to look at might help. Sometimes you can be so close to a situation that you can't see the forest from them trees. I've known him so long and never knew him to act like this. I know he's probably under an extreme amount of stress with a lot of things right now, and have even noticed that a nervous laugh he had when we were young seems to be coming back (when it had been gone for years). If I actively pursue him he seems to get into it then back off not long after. If I leave him alone he will stay away for a while then seek me out. I am not exactly sure why he contacted me personally after being out of frequent contact for a while. I had thought perhaps it was just sex he was after but there are a ton of people he could go after if that's all he wanted. It seems like he wants that but at the same time wants to be able to say things and flirt and not have the person take them seriously. If that's the case I don't know why he picked me for this because he knows I am pretty much a "say what you mean, mean what you say" sort of chick.

 

My other thought was that maybe he's being hot and cold with me now --verbally-- to test and see how I handle him being close then being away to see how I deal with it.

 

What I really want to know is why he pursued me specifically esp. since he does know a lot of other people and also that he had to go out of his way to start this because we hadn't been in touch on a constant basis a terrible lot prior to this.

 

Any thoughts or ideas would be very appreciated. Maybe someone has a spin on this I didn't think of.

 

Thanks, everyone!

 

UPDATE: We'd seen each other last Friday and since then haven't talked a whole hell of lot except for Tuesday night. He made it clear he wanted us to see each other again really soon but we didn't make plans. The hot & cold game is still going on. I'm not sure what to think at this point. The few of my friends I've told about this are thinking perhaps HE is the one who can't handle this situation, not me, and/or he's feeling something other than what he's "supposed to" according to the "rules" and won't admit it. I have had no issue save that I was doing my best to be normal and keep the same level of contact as before; HE'S the one acting weirdly.

[Tony]

If you want to receive replies you need to make your posts a lot shorter. Members do not come to this site to read all night. You would be best served by taking the time to abbreviate your post above so that busy members are able to read it, remember the details and adequately respond.

[IAmWhoIAm]

Not to be mean, but if I was to only write a few words how is anyone supposed to give adequate and appropriate feedback? It really wouldn't make sense to come in here and saying, "I have a problem. I am seeing a guy who I have been friends with but he has a defunct relationship with his girlfriend". I obviously already know that.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I get 2,712 words in a word count.

 

OK, all I can say honestly is check back in a few months. He's saying to you I want a FWB. Might be a while here and there before you see or talk to me again. but I will push all your buttons when I'm around.

 

If that's all you're looking for then go for it. He's given you and your friend this information. Are you ready for that??? Do you see all your posts being.... Hey he finally contacted me after 2 weeks and it was great... Hope to hear from him in another couple of weeks. OR .... Do you see yourself here complaining that everything was wonderful then he disappeared for a few weeks. He said this and that BUT then did this or that???

 

What do you want out of this??? Sounds like he's been very upfront and given you all of the information you need to make an intelligent choice!

 

"It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an 'information highway,' but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies."

 

Ouch Tony!!!!!

[IAmWhoIAm]

OK, point made. I apologize and perhaps I did start off on the wrong foot. I tend to be wordy and that is just me, but I now do realize that you guys have a different way of posting here and I will do my best to abide by it, so mea culpa.

 

I guess right now what's in the forefront of my mind is getting an opinion on this without having it be someone who is emotionally invested in the situation (like my best friends), the main question being if he wants no strings and just wanted sex why choose me out of the zillions of other people he knows who can give him just that?

[frannie]

... the main question being if he wants no strings and just wanted sex why choose me out of the zillions of other people he knows who can give him just that?

 

I would answer this by saying, just because he wants 'no strings' doesn't mean that just anyone would do. Even men have some standards and preferences, you know . What he wants is 'no strings' with you in particular. For whatever reasons he has, you're his preference, you're the one he has 'the thing' for.

 

So, that said, where does that leave you? You've just got out of a LTR and you're not looking for more than 'no strings' yourself at the moment. So superficially this looks like a good fit, since he's looking for 'no strings' because he already has a g/f who he 'can't' (ie. chooses not to) leave. Trouble with this is that his situation isn't going to change: yours is. And that's when the whole thing will become a monumental pain in the ass for you, while he's still sitting pretty with his two women.

 

That's why this is not a great situation to get yourself into. jmho of course.

 

oh and: ETA: another reason he chose you: you have 'a thing' for him AND you're in an emotionally-vulnerable position, AND you're looking for 'no strings' too, and you're the kind of woman who will fall for this... possibly..? The man is just putting out feelers, asking you if you're the kind of person who WOULD actually under-value herself in this way..?

[whichwayisup]

Question is, can YOU do no strings and stay detached? If so, for how long? Where he is in his life isn't a great place, so adding another person into the mix is something he obviously is thinking about and isn't sure. Hense the "let's get together" but no real plans are being made.

 

Are you just looking for FWB or are you hoping this will lead into something more serious?

[Billie63]

Forget his girlfriend for one moment. You two have known each other for 20 years and have never got properly together - because bad timing, other people etc?

 

I don't buy it. I just don't think the true sexual chemistry was there in the beginning. Maybe now the two of your are getting a bit older, you're more prepared to 'settle' for something that's comfortable?

 

You dont' come across as totally smitten and besotted with him. Why risk what sounds like a great friendship for a half hearted love affair.

 

At 38, making new friends is more difficult, having a friend of 20 years is something to be treasured and not toyed with. Really try and examine how you truly feel about him.

 

If you can't say that you're absolutely besotted with this man, then I'd leave the love stuff alone and keep him as a friend only.

[norajane]

The hot & cold game is still going on

 

And it will throughout your entire relationship, whatever form it takes, as long as he's with his gf.

 

He's hot and cold based on what's going on at home. His needs comes first, his primary relationship is second, and you're last. That's what he's offering, and that's already how things are, and that's how things will be.

 

Can you handle that? That's what he's questioning. And you should be, as well. If you don't like the hot and cold, then the answer is no.

[IAmWhoIAm]

Thank you, everyone.

[PG Love]

From my experience it sounds like he is the one that can't handle the FWB with you. People tend to skew there own issues and turn it around on the other person when in this type of situation. It sounds like he is running to your mutual friend saying that you can't handle it, but in reality it's him that's having a hard time. Don't know if it's because he is afraid of getting too attached or what the issue is, but I would get to the bottom of that before continuing to bang my head against the wall wondering if it's somthing I'm doing.

[sadintexas]

Ok, so this just started and you're already in the "what is he thinking, what does this mean?" mind set. It doesn't get better. You can expect a lot of mixed signals, hot and cold, etc from someone who is unavailable.

 

IMO, stay away from someone who can't commit to you. Despite the fact that you think you'll be fine with this, odds are you WILL get attached to him. Odds are, his situation at home will NOT change. You will find yourself in a situation wishing things could be different, and they probably won't.

 

I've BTDT, and making the choice to discontinue this type of situation is not easy, and living with the aftermath is not easy either. There is a lot of enjoyment, but there is a lot of pain too. It's much better to focus your attention on someone who isn't coming to you with someone else on his arm.

[IAmWhoIAm]

From my experience it sounds like he is the one that can't handle the FWB with you. People tend to skew there own issues and turn it around on the other person when in this type of situation. It sounds like he is running to your mutual friend saying that you can't handle it, but in reality it's him that's having a hard time. Don't know if it's because he is afraid of getting too attached or what the issue is, but I would get to the bottom of that before continuing to bang my head against the wall wondering if it's somthing I'm doing.

 

PG, my friends who know about this are basically saying the same thing as you are and it's crossed my mind more than once because of the fact that of course I have feelings for him and I'm not denying that but I feel just fine with this and have been acting really not much different toward him at all but it seems like HE'S being weird. I did come right out during the first discussion we had on this and ask him if perhaps he's not projecting his own feelings on to me and he said, "I don't know, maybe I am."

 

I'm also starting to think that physicality is not all he is after because then he definitely wouldn't have pursued me personally. I really think he wants general closeness with someone and I am someone for him who has pretty much all bases covered, so to speak.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied.