Missing an Illusion

[jj33]

Have been really worried about finances and the recession etc and find myself really missing xMM.

 

Its been so long since it ended I have no reason. And he is doing everything in his power to throw business my way, being very supportive.

 

And he is contributing to my income way more than he did when we were together (through business not handouts). My head knows that my financial concerns are actually lessened by us being apart. But its so scary that I find I am missing him. I know its an illusion. Being with him wouldnt change anything for the better. In fact it would make it worse I know that because hed be there but .... it wouldnt change my circumstances and the whole rollercoaster would start again and I cant put myself through that again.

 

Just having trouble with it. Didnt help talking to him and his wife on the phone today. I dont know why he calls when she is sitting there.

 

And he was endlessly chatty... which he never is anymore and is fine. But if he is not chatty when she is not around why be chatty when she is there. Its odd. I know I shouldnt care its their dynamic but... its awkward. I kept trying to get off the phone and he just kept chatting. And since she was there I didnt want to cut him off. And so she started chiming in in the background.

 

Maybe he was nervous. Felt he should call to discuss the work stuff but couldnt stop himself from talking because he felt awkward? I know I shouldnt care. Its work he helps me in work its been over for more than a year but it still gets to me sometimes.

[Owl]

He was probably "chatty" because he wanted to give his wife the impression that things between you and him were all aboveboard. He tried to make everything sound light and open.

 

Don't be surprised if his wife doesn't notice his change in behavior on the phone with you vs how he is on the phone with others. This is exactly the kind of stuff that triggers that "gut feeling" in a BS that leads to people getting caught.

 

I know that there's nothing going on NOW...but there was, and it sounds as though those emotions are still there.

 

As far as missing the relationship and such...that's to be expected. You've maintained that contact with him. Even though its just "professional"...its still enough of a trickle to keep the addiction fed just a little bit...and it will hugely extend how long you're still feeling this way.

 

Not attacking you...you've explained your reasons for maintaining this situation well. Just explaining why its going to take longer for you to 'get over it' compared to others who are able to go NC.

 

I don't have any real advice for you, unless there's a way you can minimize contact with him further, by delegating to someone else to handle interactions with him?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, JJ.

It sucks that he would do such a thing without giving a single consideration for the position that he is putting you in, on the other end of the line. (Matters not what are his internal needs and thoughts that he is trying to address. <Ggrrr> It just makes me so mad!)

 

Owl makes a very wise point: "Don't be surprised if his wife doesn't notice his change in behavior on the phone with you vs how he is on the phone with others. This is exactly the kind of stuff that triggers that "gut feeling" in a BS that leads to people getting caught."

 

Perhaps you can throw that into his ear, and thus ward off any future such calls?

I agree that you ought not to care about what HE is/was trying to do, acting all "chatty Charlie" -- and you probably don't care, if you thought about it -- that is, maybe the caring was for your own welfare and well-being, and that you didn't like being in the position in which he put you. Which, certainly you ought to protect yourself from situations that make you feel awkward and "icky-like".

 

More hugs. Hope it will get better.

[wildsoul]

It's understandable that you are feeling more vulnerable now than before because of the economy. Everyone is so abuzz with it. It's hard to not get scared. It's also perfectly understandable that your longings for him would get activated at such a time. You're not going backwards. You're just a little triggered by your angst.

 

Try to remember that you have your own good destiny. Keep faith that it's all going to be okay. It is okay, and will be.

 

(((hugs)))

[jj33]

Thanks all Owl, Ronni and WS. You are right on all points. I know it will be OK and I just have to take a deep breath. He is a bit between a rock and a hard place. He had been emailing and I said its complicated why dont you call me (duh because he was with W for the day) so...

 

if he hadnt called he risked not being responsive on a client matter, when he did call I took issue with that too (tho not to his face).

 

I think its just the worry and the fact that he is the one person who looks out for me. Noone has ever done that for me before.

[Ronni_W]

the fact that he is the one person who looks out for me. Noone has ever done that for me before.

JJ,

That is an extremely strong emotional 'hook' for your psyche to attach itself to. I wish you had more who gave you that, in your life. (As I wish that I had more of that, in mine.)

 

But may I caution that there is a BIG difference when someone does that only with your best interests and highest good in mind, versus doing that with [his] own agenda as an equal focus/motivation.

 

NOT that he doesn't care, on the level on which he cares...I'm quite convinced that he does. Just to keep it all in perspective so as to help your own dear psyche through Her more challenging moments.

 

Hugs.

[jj33]

Thanks Ronni. It is a big emotional hook especially in times like this.

 

And its funny because that wasnt the basis of our relationship. I never asked him for anything no special favors or influence or anything.

 

Different circumstances have arisen since we ended things and he has been there when I have needed things and looked out for my interests when I express concern. Times were different when we were together. It was a sort of a heyday for my industry so there were no real concerns in that regard.

 

There may be some self interest there but really not much. I mean its been over for so so long. And he is not the type to buy someones affection. Nor can I be bought. Its more the knowing that he has my interests at heart. And I still have his interests in mind. So I suppose its a 2 way street. I think he may feel the same way about me. I am concerned about him not because of what he could or might do for me but because I genuinely care about his best interests even though we are no longer involved with one another. Most days I think that is a very good thing.

 

But I do come across as being quite self sufficient and like I dont need anybody for anything and he sees through that in a way that other people dont seem to. But if he can then someone else will too. Just a matter of time.

 

Thanks again.

[Ronni_W]

I so get what you are saying. It is a special blessing to have the knowing of that, regardless of anything else.

 

You are right...someone else will, too.

[ss5725]

JJ,

 

I guess I'm not really sure (I'm new to this forum) why you are even chatting with your married man on the phone. And I can't help but wonder what it does to your self esteem with his wife chiming up in the background, regardless of the economic situation? I quit a second job that I really needed because my seperated/now reconciled man's wife got wind that I was working there and insisted on coming in with him to rub it in my face. I know that at this point in my life, I can't deal with that and I won't be a party to their issues (their marriage was broken before I came along) and I honestly feel that your MM's wife has issues that need to be dealt with in therapy, not by her listening to her husbands conversation with his xOP. How sad is that? Maybe I've missed something, and I certainly don't mean any of this judgmentally. You need to disconnect completely for your sake.

[jj33]

Thanks SS. You missed a lot. It was a business conversation not a personal one. I commend you on giving up a second job to end the contact. I have one business and he is a core part of it and based on the mutual customers we have I couldnt end it if I wanted to without giving up a good 50% of my customer base.

 

So there we go. Some would say go work at 7-11 do what you have to do to get away from him, but I am not willing to make that choice. The A has been over for more than a year so its not a smidgen as hurtful as it was a year ago. Still, every once in awhile it still stings although I know he doesnt mean it to.

 

And as Ronni was saying to have someone in your life even from afar who goes the extra mile to make help things go your way is very welcome. Someday I will meet someone else but if that is tomorrow or next week or next year we will still have our business relationship and I know a part of him will be very happy for me knowing that I am happy. He really does have my best interests at heart.

 

As for his W, she is who she is its none of my business. They have been together longer than many of the posters here have been alive so they go on as they do. Long story but he does what he wishes with her blessing so long as he is discreet and shows up when and where he is expected to show up with a smile on his face so its very different from most of the situations written about here. All very civiilzed between W and me. I met her on several occasions after the A was over and she knew who I was and could not have been more charming.

 

We may not understand it but it works for them. After a time it did not work for me.

[KismetGirl]

Have been really worried about finances and the recession etc and find myself really missing xMM.

 

Its been so long since it ended I have no reason. And he is doing everything in his power to throw business my way, being very supportive.

 

And he is contributing to my income way more than he did when we were together (through business not handouts). My head knows that my financial concerns are actually lessened by us being apart. But its so scary that I find I am missing him. I know its an illusion. Being with him wouldnt change anything for the better. In fact it would make it worse I know that because hed be there but .... it wouldnt change my circumstances and the whole rollercoaster would start again and I cant put myself through that again.

 

Just having trouble with it. Didnt help talking to him and his wife on the phone today. I dont know why he calls when she is sitting there.

 

And he was endlessly chatty... which he never is anymore and is fine. But if he is not chatty when she is not around why be chatty when she is there. Its odd. I know I shouldnt care its their dynamic but... its awkward. I kept trying to get off the phone and he just kept chatting. And since she was there I didnt want to cut him off. And so she started chiming in in the background.

 

Maybe he was nervous. Felt he should call to discuss the work stuff but couldnt stop himself from talking because he felt awkward? I know I shouldnt care. Its work he helps me in work its been over for more than a year but it still gets to me sometimes.

 

 

Oh JJ, hug big time, I get such good advice from you all the time but I so rarely hear you talk about yoursef!

 

It's hard enough that you have to keep contact due to work, but let's be honest, unless you find yourself in a happy relationship with someone else, there will always be those feelings of missing MM and certain aspects of his personality. Even if the validity of your R with him seemed to be an illusion, your emotions about it were not. Hell, even when you are in a new relationship with someone you love, there'll be days that you and your partner are pissed off at each other and for just a moment you'll remember MM and the good feeling he gave you. I think when you truly love someone you will never totally forget the feelings you have for them, it's just a matter of controlling how you respond or react to them, i guess.

 

 

His chattiness is obviously a combo of nervoussess, specially with his wife there. Easier to keep talking endelessly than risk an awkward silence. Or to say anything emotional accidentally, if you just keep chatting about nonsense. When I get nervous I do that with MM....I'll chat about the most mundane idiotic things, just won't stop talking, because if i stop talking, I'll start thinking that I want to blurt out to him that I love him and that would be bad right now.

 

You'll always miss him on some level JJ, and it will come back ten fold in time of stress of depression. In my year of NC I rarely thought about MM because I was happy in my other relationship. When things went bad with my other guy, guess who's the first man my htoughts turned to? Yup, MM. I remembered nothing about the bad parts, I just focused on those good feelings he made me feel back in the day and it made me miss him. Except in my case, I gave in to those memory feelings and I started the A again.

 

Youve been very strong to be able to keep LC and not get back into the relationship. Be strong woman, I can see you are in the way you write, good luck. I hope both of us move on completely, one day.

[jj33]

Thanks KG I appreciate it. I dont talk about myself that much anymore as there is not that much to say these days.. other than he loves me in his own little way but not enough to change his life... and with time and distance not sure he should...

 

if its even a choice and not an imperative why upset the apple cart... I know he wishes he met me when he was younger but ... really if I was everything everything and he would so much rather be with me, then he would be.

 

There would be way too much he would miss if he left not the emotional stuff as that is lacking but the other stuff that makes up the fabric of his life. Things I could never replace.

 

As you say KG you want to be a hopeless romantic but to ask someone else with a lot to lose to take that journey too... its trickier. Unless they are miserable, they have to be 110% sure to make the move and its rare that this happens.

 

I remind myself of that alot that and the fact that there would be so many vast changes in his day to day life, a life that he loves but for the lack of physical and emotional intimacy, I think he would have had regrets. Its romantic to think love conquers all but most times it doesnt. Not until someone is independently ready to leave.

 

A friends husband left. He suddenly met and fell in love with an OW. She gave him a choice and he up and went. While she was ill with an infant. They had had problems in their M in the past, he said all was fine, she thought all was fine, but it wasnt. When he met this woman he left her with an infant. And he is not someone anyone would ever call a bad man. He cant believe his behavior, his family cant believe it noone can. But he did. His W is self sufficient, he sees the baby several times a week, and he has the OW and they are getting married.

 

I dont condone his behavior, my friend is still devastated several years later. But when they want to leave they do no matter what. So I have to face the facts. In my friends case, the Hs life changed little except that he hurt someone more than was necessary (he could have waited until things were more stable) and he doesnt live with his child. But he is a good father.

 

But even with the changes that would change xMMs life irrevocably, if he wanted to be with me he would. He has free will. And lets face it he has total freedom with her.

 

Hes like Peter Pan with grandchildren and a wife and a mortgage. Life would not be so laissez faire with me... Im being unfair. He is a good man. And his decision does make sense for him. I guess I just shared him for awhile...

[ss5725]

JJ,

 

Thanks for getting me up to speed. I can't imagine what it must be like to be reminded of the MM when you probably least expect it, or want it. Like I said, I didn't mean anything judgmentally, I just was comparing it to my own situation. If I wasn't able to insulate myself from my xbf I would really have trouble moving on. I commend you for adapting to the situation with the W, I can only hope that I will recover enough to the point that I can resist the urge to punch my xbf's wife if she continues to harass me for her and my xbf's failed marriage.

[jj33]

That would be very difficult. I am lucky in that all my communications with MM are pleasant and we rarely see each other. Rarely speak on the phone rarely do anything other than communicate by email anymore. My communication with his W happens like 3x a year and it is brief. I would be surprised if I saw her this year at all. It does get to me sometimes when I speak to him. But I think that is normal.

 

It would be very upsetting if she were baiting me. Even if it were an issue for her, she wouldnt first because that is not her style and second because she really doesnt care enough to bother. And no that is not just what he told me. Its mind boggling but that is what he prefers.