I need a kick in the a** from my LS buddies today!

[smile711]

I know that even though things have been going well for me lately, there will be days when I have minor setbacks. I am getting ready to leave for the weekend to go out of town to a Halloween party tonight and a football/birthday party tomorrow. I am very excited to go. I'm staying with my best friend, I was able to get the weekend off of work, I have a killer costume and I'm ready to party!

 

You know there's a "but" coming! BUT I get extremely anxious when I have to do these things alone. I keep thinking...If I was still with the xMM, he would be coming with me, or at least calling me to check in and telling me to drive safely if he couldn't get off of work. I can already feel my heart racing and I almost don't want to go. I know I have to force myself to and I know I'll have a good time. Mind over matter, right?

 

I know why this morning is tough. I talked to a friend last night I haven't talked to in a while. She also knows xMM through work. She told me he quit smoking when he left me. Now, wait, cause I know you all are thinking-so the hell what? But he had promised to stop when we were together and never did and now he has and that pisses me off for no good reason. I know he's still drinking a ton and smoking weed, so who cares? For some odd reason, that upset me more than seeing pictures of him and his W on a friend's Facebook page! Sometimes I really think that I don't want him back but he doesn't deserve to be happy quite yet.

 

For God's sake, he's 20 years older than me and an addict. It's that I've never been alone in my life and sometimes I think that he's the best I will ever find. What if I'm alone forever? Please respond even with tough love messages-I need a kick in the a** today!

[Owl]

OK...as usual...I'm first in line! :)

 

Don't be hard on yourself for missing things...that's normal.

 

But...don't let yourself DWELL on that either.

 

See the difference?

 

When you get down, and start thinking about him...don't let yourself STAY at that point...change that channel in your mind to something else!

 

And...please...DO get ticked off and angry at him!!! First, HE DESERVES IT. Second...its the single best thing to let you start moving on and healing!!!

[smile711]

Owl, you're always first in line! I love it! I feel guily when I get angry and I don't know why. Sometimes I even find myself feeling guilty when I'm going out and having a good time. I would only ever admit that on LS-my freinds would flip out if they knew that! I feel like I am betraying him-it's SO STUPID! Then I find myself thinking that I hope he spends a little time here and there wondering what I'm up to and I hope it drives him crazy. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I want that idiot out of my head! Why do I feel like he is so much better than me? Like his life is so great and mine can't compare? Because he acts that way? I know he can compartmentalize and God knows he's a great liar...I don't know what to believe anymore! Time for the straitjacket!

[quankanne]

why should you feel guilty for getting a life? Girl, he is NOT your be-all, end-all relationship, and you really shouldn't allow yourself to keep thinking that.

 

I know it's scary thinking about being alone in life, but at some point you're gonna have to embrace the idea because even when you DO end with a partner in a committed relationship, there's no way you're going to avoid being alone even then. Learn to make your peace with the idea, you'll find that you'll be a much happier person, rather than thinking you *need* someone to make yur life complete.

 

though I'm a bit surprised (well, envious, too!) that you're celebrating Halloween a week early, I say go have fun. It's times like these when you're meant to enjoy yourself. He shouldn't be the deciding factor in you enjoying yourself, and you're giving him a kind of power when you tell yourself that he is.

[jwi71]

I know why this morning is tough. I talked to a friend last night I haven't talked to in a while. She also knows xMM through work. She told me he quit smoking when he left me. Now, wait, cause I know you all are thinking-so the hell what? But he had promised to stop when we were together and never did and now he has and that pisses me off for no good reason. I know he's still drinking a ton and smoking weed, so who cares? For some odd reason, that upset me more than seeing pictures of him and his W on a friend's Facebook page! Sometimes I really think that I don't want him back but he doesn't deserve to be happy quite yet.

 

NC. Not only does that mean no direct contact but no indirect contact as well...like through friends who give updates on the xMM. I would suggest telling your friends that you never want to hear anything about him again. Period. Any friends who do not comply - well, are they truly a friend?

 

This is why I disagree with your "only telling LS things you wouldn't tell friends". You need them far more than some anonymous moniker spewing advice. You need a friend who knows you and not just what you choose to post. You need friends who can hold you, hug you...and not just type "*hugs*" in a browser window.

 

Gather friends and family. Worried they will not approve? Abandon you? A few will...just remember that a real friend is someone who walks in the door as everyone else is walking out.

[smile711]

Wow, jwi71, it's really weird that you said that last quote. xMM gave me a music box with that EXACT quote on it when he moved in with me and his family wouldn't talk to him because he had left his W. I threw the music box away because coming from him it was BS given what he did to me-but I guess I can still use the quote and apply it to my own life. I did tell my friend last night that I don't want to talk about him because it's not healthy for me, so I guess that's a move in the right direction! I have a lot of wonderful friends and family who are supporting me through this but LS helps a lot too because none of my friends or family have been in this situation. I feel like it's helpful to get advice from all sides.

[whichwayisup]

It's that I've never been alone in my life and sometimes I think that he's the best I will ever find

 

Trust me, you WILL find someone better. A someone who isn't married, a someone who isn't a drug addict and a drinker.

 

Right now OFCOURSE you can't picture yourself with anyone else, your heart is still in it.

 

Stay strong and please, ask your friend to stop telling you stuff about exMM.

[jwi71]

I have a lot of wonderful friends and family who are supporting me through this but LS helps a lot too because none of my friends or family have been in this situation.

 

I have never been in your situation.

But I know you are deserve better than a lying, cheating drug addict.

I bet you have heard that before. Many times.

 

Lets pretend for a second. Pretend you have a daughter. Pretend she is "in love" with a married, lying, cheating drug addict. What would you tell her? Is that what you would want for her?

[smile711]

I would never want my worst enemy in this situation, much less a daughter (if I had one). Your post brought tears to my eyes because I know at its core, this issue is about self-esteem for me. If this was my best friend or sister in this situation, I would move heaven and earth to make sure that they got as far away from this man as possible. That's because I think so highly of them. I do not think so highly of myself, however. Most days I feel like he is all I deserve and I don't know why. I can't imagine myself with anyone else because my mind can't wrap itself around me deserving the love and attention of someone better.

[bentnotbroken]

).( Now bend over and grab your ankles. Get a grip! Hope it hurt enough to shake some sense loose in your head.

[jwi71]

I would never want my worst enemy in this situation, much less a daughter (if I had one). Your post brought tears to my eyes because I know at its core, this issue is about self-esteem for me. If this was my best friend or sister in this situation, I would move heaven and earth to make sure that they got as far away from this man as possible. That's because I think so highly of them. I do not think so highly of myself, however. Most days I feel like he is all I deserve and I don't know why. I can't imagine myself with anyone else because my mind can't wrap itself around me deserving the love and attention of someone better.

 

You may choose not to respond here. At least answer it to yourself.

 

Would you characterize all of your past R as similar to the xMM?

[smile711]

The funny (or not so funny) part is that I've only ever been in 1 other R-my marriage. I was with my high school sweetheart from the age of 16 until when we divorced when I was 26. The R with xMM overlapped at the end there and then we were together from then on. I have never truly been alone. My R with my xH was more of a friendship and it eased financial burdens and seemed right when we were younger but we both changed so much and we were both so unhappy. A divorce was the best thing for both of us. My xH was NOTHING like xMM-in fact, I don't think I could have found two more totally opposite people! The only thing the two R had in common was that I had no self esteem in either of them. My xH was emotionally unavailable and was never really interested in me that much. The xMM was truly unavailable but in the time we were together he made me feel like the best person on earth. Now that he's not around I can't seem to feel that way anymore.

[jwi71]

The only thing the two R had in common was that I had no self esteem in either of them.

 

If you are not in IC, please consider such. These feelings will not go away. You can suppress them, you can forget about them but the doubts will keep coming back.

 

It seems like a constant in your life. And a bad one. An undeserved one.

This IC isnt because you're crazy or "broken". You have thought processes ingrained that you cannot shake - like a bad habit. An IC can help you navigate these thoughts to their origin and, well, kill them. Its an emotional cancer and must be treated as such.

 

You have friends. They like what they see.

 

Do you believe that they would associate with a "loser"? Or someone "nuts"?

Do you think them a bad judge of character?

Are your friends stupid?

 

I have notice that like seeks like as freinds. Now, how do you see yourself?

I have also noticed that opposites attract in romance. And what was your xMM? So you must be.....

 

 

Edit for bad speeling...you know, I'll keep that one place. I like the irony.

[wildsoul]

You've never been alone, eh? Well that's surely a part of this. You've got a fear of the unknown, and the devil you know (MM in your life) is better than the one you don't know (no man in your life.)

 

SWEETHEART...You need to embrace your new singledom! Being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Sure as hell you won't feel nearly alone as you did with ol' unavailable MM.

 

I think it's time for you to start looking forward not backwards. The world is your oyster. You're young, beautiful, and talented.

 

Let tonight be your coming out party. Be adventurous. Mix and mingle. Stand on your own 2 feet and shine (even if you feel inwardly awkward.) Play the part of single woman adventuring into the world. Be fabulous.

 

You can borrow my motto if you like. It helps me to make good choices... "Only forwards, not backwards for me!"

 

Now quit looking over your shoulder at your past and the "would be" future with MM. Look forward. Your bright future awaits!

[Spinning Head]

I believe WildSoul suggested the book "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern in my thread. You need to read that book. It really helped me. It is a great book to help anyone who feels she/he is stuck in a dead end relationship.

 

Although what I did may not be for everyone, I joined an internet dating site and went out on a few dates. I think going out, interacting with other men, etc is what I needed to make the final break. It made me realize that there are nice men out there (yep, there are some fruit loops). I am not interested in getting involved with anyone at this point in my life; however, I did enjoy meeting these men. One date was a hike in the woods, one man made dinner for me - I needed that exposure to open my eyes and break all ties with xMM. I'm no longer on the internet dating site. And, the men that I dated were very nice and I still communicate with them. Best of all, none were married!

[White Flower]

Honey, he is 20 years older, an addict, and YOU STILL HAVE LOTS OF TIME to find someone WORTHY of you. No, GO AND FIND HIM!!!

 

Was that tough enough?

 

Hugs.

 

ps

Hope that Halloween costume is reeeaaal sexy and catches someone else's attention;)

[MichelleS1983]

Quite honestly, the guy sounds like one of the biggest losers on the planet. It wouldn't be hard to replace a schmuck like this at all - just go down to the local bar on a Weds afternoon at 2:00 and pick any one of the middle aged, unemployed alcohlics parked on a barstool sucking down their drinks.

 

Since your xMM was also a liar and a cheater - on TOP of all those other glorious things you've told us about him - you may have to interview the bar patrons to find out which one is also the sleaziest so you can get as close a match to your xMM as possible.

 

Problem solved.

[joybean72]

LMFAO Michelle! You described my stbx to a tee!

[smile711]

Well I had a setback today as we had a sudden death in my family this morning. While taking care of family stuff, I suddenly realized that I wanted to call xMM and tell him. He was always the one I ran to with any kind of news and this is the first major thing that has happened since we started NC (63 DAYS AND COUNTING!). It sent me into a panic attack. Back to the drawing board!

 

Wildsoul, you are absolutely right about the known devil being better than the unknown one. For example, I am spending this evening alone after coming home early from my weekend of partying to be with the family. I have spent many Saturday nights alone, but they were different. I would always know that he was going to call or come over the next day so I had that sense of security. It feels like the security is gone now.

 

He asked a mutual friend if I was seeing someone because he heard I was. She informed him that she knew I had been going out but we hadn't talked in a while. He got upset and said that he didn't want any details. It's so sick of me but it gave me kind of a perverse pleasure that that upset him.

[jj33]

Im very sorry for your loss and hope you and your family are OK or coping as well as you can with your loss.

 

Smile its always nice to feel that there is someone out there that cares about us. And he does have feelings for you.

 

But you dont need to be in contact with him to know that. What it comes down to is so what. Yes he cares but being in contact with him is a momentary pleasure as compared to the pain of being in the A.

 

Look back over your posts remember the pain you were in. You cant let yourself go back there again. And simply opening the door to contact with him will suck you right back in again.

 

Hang in there