jj33 Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 I would be intersted in hearing from people who are xOWs but are still in touch with the MM. I find myself ... going back and forth between being fine with it - it was what it was, there are fond feelings there but it wasnt meant to be but appreciating that we shared something special and the good feelings continue to be there and we are both moving on with our lives. And every once in awhile dissolving into tears over the futility of the whole thing. Wishing there were no longer a bond between us wishing I didnt still feel close to him in any way because its a long road to nowhere. In my better moments I know its not a road to nowhere its always good to have a bond with someone and good to have people who care about your well being. Especially now that the past is past. But its still unsettling and I wish it wasnt. The romantic part of our relationship is dead and buried. It resurfaces when we find ourselves alone together but we have decided there will be no more dinners just the two of us. No reason. Can only lead to trouble. I guess it just takes time. I wondered how others are handling it. I keep hoping I will meet someone new. I have a very full life travel the world am out all the time at parties etc when I am home and when I am away, so I suppose its just a matter of time until I meet someone new. I thought I would have by now but I meet people who say gee if I lived in your town if I werent involved with someone, if this if that.... I would love to take you out. But if i have met any single available people from my town, they havent been the ones who have wanted to go out with me. I guess I just havent met the right person yet. And silly as it is, I think that meeting someone new and having that emotional distance from the A would be very very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Dominique Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Hi there my dear... I cannot speak from an OW standpoint, but I do know about the full-life, long-distance, why isn't-he-appearing aspect of finding someone new. There is one piece of advice I can give you which has worked for me very well... If at all possible, try to home in on an area of passion of yours, a thing, or cause, or intellectual passion and pursue it. You will find that you "generate" an attractiveness because of that passion and the right person will be interested in the same thing as well. I tell my female friends this and it tends to work. Also, it gives you the appearance of "not looking"--you know, and then "it" happens. I agree that parties and social life are not enough. Very often one is milling around, polite and distracted, trying to keep up with a lot of people in a lot of little ways--I can find them as tedious as I do pleasant...But when that connection--an overused word but still the thing--happens at a party or crowded occasion, it is somehow an isolated, personal event--you feel like the only two persons around. One way to assure the kind of chemical-intellectual "first sight" reaction other than sheer happenstance is when you find yourself talking about something about which the two of you--you and the handsome stranger-- are passionate. I find this much much much better than "flirting". That, as well as your attractiveness, is the hook. Otherwise, you could have the "chance" encounter with someone where a relationship develops just out of sheer hazard, accident--you know, you both jump into the same cab at the same time, or end up sharing a table at a crowded cafe---this can also happen of course but you'd better just leave that to God-Fate-Nature (whom or whatever you believe in) and focus in on your genuine "persona" to bring the right man into your life. It will happen for you. Just be your passionate, inquisitive, good looking self, and be "about" something. There is a magic to that that somehow works. You will get beyond the MM. DOM Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 You two can never be 'friends' again. You still have feelings for him and if you stay in touch with him, those feelings will never go away. It'll prevent you from allowing yourself to meet anyone else, let alone prevent you from developing feelings for someone else. It's doing damage to you and you're still getting something out of staying intouch with him. You gotta end it and go full on NC, otherwise you'll be stuck in this holding pattern for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 WWIU I realize we will never really be friends and we never really were. As I have explained countless times I can not be in total NC with him. Our businesses are entwined. I dont want to say more on a public forum but they are. That is what I "get" out of being in touch with him, the business relationship. Were it not for that I would not be in touch with him. We dont discuss anything that is not business related. No how was your weekend, what are you doing tonite, none of that. All the pleasant social chatter is now gone. Unless there is a valid busines reason we are no longer in touch. And while you might say I should just ditch that and get him totally out of my life I am not willing to take that step and watch my income instantly shrink. I just have to be stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Agent_99 Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 jj~ I'm not sure I have anything constructive to add. I'm sorry that things are the way they are. It will continue to get better. You are a very intelligent and articulate woman. You'll find someone who is worthy of you. ~99 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 And while you might say I should just ditch that and get him totally out of my life I am not willing to take that step and watch my income instantly shrink. I just have to be stronger. Then you may have to accept that you will never 'move on'. You may never 'heal' from the affair, and may never let yourself give someone else a chance. And neither will he. He won't heal, 'move on', etc... Making the choice to continue the business relationship may well come at that high price. You strike me as an intelligent business person...this should all be part of your cost-benefit analysis. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 Owl I appreciate that you are right on a purely logical level. But on a practical level it makes no sense to torpedo my business. None whatsoever. And start from scratch again? In this economy? No. I am far better and happier with everything than I was 6 months ago and am sure I will be even better in another 6 months. Yes being in touch is delaying completing the healing process. But I have to bet on my ability to get over this. Breaking our business ties is (a) impossible because at least 50% of our clients are mutual clients - what am I supposed to do; stop working with those clients? give up a significant percentage of my income and not be able to meet expenses? (b) if we suddenly stopped speaking one of my best referral sources would come to and end; and © it would be apparent to others in our industry and that would cause reputational damage. I spent too long building my business. I am not about to wreck it all just because of my personal feelings. Owl I know you mean well but perhaps have some faith in people's ability to deal with situations over time. Sure it makes the process slower but I am not willing to put myself in a situation where I cant meet my bills over this. No way. Especially not in this economy. Headlines in todays paper in my town were another 10,000 job cuts.... Right now I thank my lucky stars that I know him and he still looks favorably on me. He is a very powerful man and has been responsible for a signficant part of my income over the past month or so and with times as bad as they are, unemployment reaching an all time high that is a blessing. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 No worries, JJ. Your decisions on anything don't hurt my feelings in any way, shape, fashion or form. The outcome of your situation has no impact to me on a personal level. I simply offer advice as I see it. I'll be honest...having faith in other people's ability to handle things...that was shot when my wife's affair took place. I used to have that belief in people...but I've learned a lot since, and have realized that very, very few people truly CAN 'handle things' as you put it. And I've seen that new realization validated everyday here on LS. In other words...I've got good reasons for not having faith. But none of this is an attack on you or your choices. I really do hope that you prove me wrong. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
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