Reading too far between the lines?

[maddy1102]

I don't understand this. The MM I've been involved with for a while now (we were friends for about 4 months first) says he's separated from his wife. But they are still living together. Trust me-I've more than made myself aware of potential ramifications of the 'living together separation, so please please PUHlease keep those comments to a kind words only. He says he lives in the basement, and that they have an agreement that they are virtually free to do as they wish-but that they both deserve respect when keeping appointments. But to me his actions and her actions tell a different story. So basically I was just wondering if maybe I was over analyzing-as I am quite prone to do.

 

MM has on multiple occassions told me he loves me, and the majority of those occasions he's offered up the information. He says he loves his wife, but that he never remembers being in love with her the way he is with me. They were friends in High School, he left for the marines, came back went to college, got his job and they remained very close friends. Eventually they just started dating. He (even before we blurred the boundaries between friends and lovers) mentioned that there was no big moment in his life when he realized she was the only one he wanted to be with, no butterflies in his stomach. They just sort of melted together and after a while (this is verbatim) just figured "They might as well," get married. And they've been married for three years now. He is very, very much (and I say this with all the fondness in the world) a yes man. He has constantly done what has been expected of him, and his wife is another sergent for him to answer to-at least that's how he explained their marriage to me. They did not 'separate' until after he and I had become 'involved' and he said it was because his willingness to sleep with me with no real regret or remorse of any kind was a light bulb in his head that made it obvious that he needed to reassess his relationship with his wife.

 

But okay. So now he lives in the basement spends the majority of his time with me, and claims the two of them are free to do what they want. Now, here's the problems in my head. He only calls me in the middle of the night after she's gone to bed, only comes and sees me when she's at work (they work conflicting schedules) and when she's home he stays home. One night he accidentally fell asleep at my house and his phone ringing woke us up at 4am. I asked through my fog of sleep who had called him as he was getting dressed and ready to leave (he did not answer the call) and he remained silent and instead just kissed me on the cheek goodbye. One day he came over unannounced because the two them had had a fight, and he just needed to chill and not think about it. Because we are first and foremost friends, I was okay to spend the day with him watching movies and eating fast food. But of course I noticed how he frequently checked his phone, and called his voicemail to check messages. He has a picture of himself up on his myspace page, which is to be expected, but on his Facebook is a picture of him AND his wife. He and I are friends on Facebook and further investigation revealed that his wife is his friend on Facebook but NOT on Myspace. Oh and get this-he's agreed to go to counselling with his wife...at his persistance, because he says he feels, "He owes it to her."

 

I'm worried that he's living a dual life. That he's telling me one thing to keep me close, and his wife another. His 'separation,' was the result of me trying to break off this romance because it is the cause of great stress in my life. I wonder if its entirely fabricated. Now it should be noted that if he is an actor, he is worthy of an Oscar because when he's with me, I have no doubt in my mind that what he says is true, right down to the "We sleep in separate rooms." I know this has probably been posted time and time before me, but I really do have a way with reading people, and the way he FEELS about me isn't really the question here. Its the circumstances around his life that intrigue me.

 

So if anyone can offer me some advice, that'd be great. I know now simply be rereading this that I sound like such a fool and the answer is really spelled right out in front of me, but some outside advice from someone who's been there would be more than greatly appreciated. Thank you guys so much!!

[GPFan]

I'm worried that he's living a dual life. That he's telling me one thing to keep me close, and his wife another. His 'separation,' was the result of me trying to break off this romance because it is the cause of great stress in my life. I wonder if its entirely fabricated.

Your instincts are most likely spot on.

 

No, you aren't reading too much into this.

[DealingWDrama]

He doesn't know how to end the relationship with you without his wife finding out...he doesn't know if you will go crazy and start calling her or emailing her or sending her pics of the two of you together. He wants out - cleanly out - without ramifications in his marriage for what he has done with you. He never wants his wife to find out anything about the affair and feels GUILTY for being involved with you in the first place.

 

When men are done - they are DONE - they don't go to counseling or stay in the same house as their wives....

[torranceshipman]

HE DOES NOT LIVE IN THE BASEMENT!!!!

 

Seriously, he totally made that up. If his story was true, he wouldn't hide you from his W, wouldnt restrict calls to midnight, etc. His actions all indicate that he is living a full life with her, sleeping in the same bed and sharing eachothers lives (but hiding his A).

 

Value your intuition and trust it 100%. The MySpace thing also totally suggests that he's had more than one A, as its very shifty to not have his W as a friend, or a photo of her (makes him look like a single guy), so he might be quite practiced at all of this. And to be honest, you're making it easy on him to be naughty as you have seen danger signs but not hauled him up by his ass to account for any of them yet!

[jwi71]

I think its obvious to us on the outside.

 

I'll offer up this one little tidbit:

 

Even though he is "finished" with his wife, he still places her needs over your own.

 

Her need to not have her STBXH girlfriends around is more important than your need for reassurance and validation. He choose that.

 

Say it out loud. Say it again.

 

Now, wake up and smell the coffee. Don't be so gullible. Words are easily lies...actions less so.

 

One more time...whose feelings is he placing more value on? Repeatedly?

 

Now...move on. You deserve better than to be his sex toy at his beck and call.