So I finally officially ended it :)

[Agent_99]

I don't have a lot of spare time anymore so I haven't been on at all lately really.

 

I ended things with MW saturday. Since that letter that someone wrote to her BS she has had a heck of a time finding more than 20 minutes here and there for me. I was pretty okay, since part of my plan was to slowly transition out of the affair.

 

Then it hit me, grief. I spent a very miserable week last week mourning her and i. Friday she was going to come visit me on her lunch break, but unexpectedly had to go out of town for the day. So I realized I was clinging to the hope of a momentary contact, that while meaningful in the moment, would just lead to more pain and crying afterwards.

 

I let it go, and when she called me later, let her go too.

 

I may go on and on on here, but I'm not really good with words and expressing myself.

 

I wanted to share something I wrote:

 

Goodbye to stolen moments, to endless sensation,

 

Goodbye to passion, to heat, to fire,

Goodbye to an amazing love.

 

I thought you were the one.

I thought we were meant to be together.

 

I was wrong.

So wrong and it breaks my heart every moment.

 

Goodbye to soft kisses, to electricity, to wet hot slippery

Goodbye to long talks holding hands,

Goodbye to that look I knew was just for me.

 

Goodbye my dream, my fantasy, my love, goodbye

 

 

I haven't been tested much yet. I still have class with her this week. But I plan to spend a little time preping myself to fend off the advances I know she will make.

 

~99

[LakesideDream]

Agent99, I can feel the anguish you are suffering. I doesen't matter if it's an OW, GF, Wife, or even a pet you love, the pain is real.

 

Talk to friends that understand, or keep posting. Many of us have felt what you are feeling, and can understand.

 

I'll say a prayer that you feel a bit better tomorrow.

[Angel1111]

Oh, wow, that's really sad. I'm so sorry, Agent. I know this cuts to the core. Sorry things didn't work out differently for you. Hugs.

[jj33]

Hey 99. Im so pleased for you that you found the courage to say this is what I want and I am not willing to accept less. Well done. I know its tough but it was a really great thing you did for yourself. Staying would have meant more of the same. Now you have the opportunity for more if not with her, with someone else.

 

You will do great at class this week. Your mind is focused. You know what you want.

[whichwayisup]

((99)) Take care of you, cry when you need to, but please make sure you keep busy and be around true friends and family who love you.

 

HER loss is someone else's gain. I know you can't even 'go' there yet, but one day you WILL meet the love of your life, and she'll love you back fully.

[Agent_99]

Agent99, I can feel the anguish you are suffering. I doesen't matter if it's an OW, GF, Wife, or even a pet you love, the pain is real.

 

Talk to friends that understand, or keep posting. Many of us have felt what you are feeling, and can understand.

 

I'll say a prayer that you feel a bit better tomorrow.

Thank you Lakeside, I'm trying so hard to stay strong. I missed class and work last night because I just couldn't bring myself to see her.

 

Oh, wow, that's really sad. I'm so sorry, Agent. I know this cuts to the core. Sorry things didn't work out differently for you. Hugs.

It's not like I ever thought things would work out differently. I just naively thought I could just drift away from her. I'm not so good with personal pain.

 

Hey 99. Im so pleased for you that you found the courage to say this is what I want and I am not willing to accept less. Well done. I know its tough but it was a really great thing you did for yourself. Staying would have meant more of the same. Now you have the opportunity for more if not with her, with someone else.

 

You will do great at class this week. Your mind is focused. You know what you want.

 

Yes I keep trying to remind myself that there will be a future with someone great. Someone who WANTS to be with me fulltime, someone who LOVES me enough to give me what I deserve.

 

((99)) Take care of you, cry when you need to, but please make sure you keep busy and be around true friends and family who love you.

 

HER loss is someone else's gain. I know you can't even 'go' there yet, but one day you WILL meet the love of your life, and she'll love you back fully.

 

I'm a wreck right now.

 

Monday we argued. I was slipping and starting to think that *maybe* we shouldn't stop completly. Our arguement was pretty nasty. I said some really mean things and she replied with some. Basically she told me that all I've done is cost her time and money. I told her all she's done is make me feel cheap and used, that she's an @))hole etc.

Then later that day (I sleep during the days) I got up and just before I left for class I checked my email. Someone hacked it and changed my password! Now when her and I went to California this summer I used her laptop and leftmy login info on it. I've never had a reason not to trust her. She says it wasn't her, and I want ot believe her, but who else would have done something like that??

 

But we talked and she said that she didn't want to lose our friendship. I don't either, I just need time to heal. We have both agreed to end it, me because I'm hurting so much all the time, and on her end because with everything that is going on in her life she doesn't have the time for me like she used to. She told me that it hurts her a lot to hurt me like this and right now her life is so out of control.

So we ended that convo on a good note: We will figure out how to be friends.

 

Then today, she strained her back at work, and was very short with me in class. I usually help her a little with the work, and she helps me. But when I tried to help her today she cut me off. Just before I left class I asked her if we could talk a little ( i know!) and she said no.

 

I'm pretty okay in some ways and pretty wrecked in others. I feel pretty rejected even though I'm the one who stood up first and said it's over. She's pushing me away pretty hard because basically she's taking all the stress in her life out on me. And at some point she's going to push too hard. It's not my fault that she won't stand up and say enough is enough in her life.

 

I've also realized what a screwed up individual I am. I've started having nightmares. They are pretty horrible and all about me being betrayed and belittled by her. I'm not sure where they come from. She hasn't done anything to betray me. We've never had any committments or gaurantees to our relationship.

 

Well I'm off to get some caffeine in me, I can't miss anymore work just because I can't sleep.

 

~99

[Agent_99]

I did want to say thank you all for word words. Right now every little bit helps me more than I knew it could.

[Angel1111]

The number of great people on this site is quite amazing, isn't it? I've gotten a lot of comfort from everyone here, too.

 

You know you'll get through this, Agent. I've been through this and it is SO not fun. I have cried my heart out so many times that I just don't have the energy for it anymore. xMM and I have been back and forth over the years - me pulling away, him pulling me back in. This last time was the last straw for me and we talked about it. But he usually gets quietly angry after the fact because I think he's just pissed that he didn't get his way. I'm sure it does bother him that this relationship has hurt me but not enough to stop trying to bring me back into it.

 

And then today his wife called me. It was about business and after I was done with that, I realized how glad I was that I had ended things with him months ago. It was very freeing.

 

There does come a point when you consciously know that you still love the person, but you don't let thenm hurt you anymore. I could still go there, I could still get in that space, but I just won't let myself do it anymore. It hurts too much.

[wildsoul]

I'm pretty okay in some ways and pretty wrecked in others. I feel pretty rejected even though I'm the one who stood up first and said it's over.

Hey darlin' girl...you just took a BIG step! It's okay that you're still feeling wobbly and expect that you'll need to brace yourself as you continue to move forward.

 

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!

 

(((soul hugs)))