Open marriage disaster...

[raspberries]

Ok folks. I have a doozy, and am hoping for some insight.

 

We met through mutual friends, and for the first while, we were friends, with no indication of interests beyond. Soon after meeting him, I moved 5 hours away. Shortly after moving, I returned for a couple weeks to visit friends. I had been in town for 2 weeks, had seen him on multiple occasions, being at the pub, seeing him while walking through town, or after pub jam sessions at the house I was staying at.

 

Now, from my side, there was always a physical attraction to him, but i knew i wasn't the only one who felt that, as one of my friends had once asked me if I thought he was sexy. I always tossed these feelings aside, for many reasons. Firstly, I was still "involved" with another MM who was a friend of his. Secondly, I am only 21, he is 38. Thirdly, i knew he was in an open marriage, which would set me up for easier emotional distress.

However, one of my last nights in town, there was an after pub get together at the place i was staying, all guards were let down, and we started finding excuses to take off to be alone, mind you, we weren't exactly discrete either, everyone there knew what was going on. Come the end of the night, we went for a drive. and thats where it all started.

 

I left town 2 days later, expecting that to be the end. But no, he was quick to email me the next day. for the next 2 months, we talked via email almost every day, we never went more than 3 days without being in contact. Because of this, our relationship very quickly became emotional.

2 months after we "started seeing each other", i went on vacation, and was flying into the airport an hour away from the town where he lived(the place i moved away from). I had an extra day so decided to go visit for 24 hours. He picked me up at the airport that morning, we spent the morning together, then went for lunch, publicly, in town, that night a bunch of us all went to the pub. He went bc I was around. And it was open mic, so it was a chance for him to play.

After the pub, me and him chilled out for a couple hours just talking, and laughing, after which we went for a drive. I was awake for 24 hours straight, but they were amazing! When i returned home we continued to talk via email, even addressed the issue of the "inevitable end", and that his wife preferred one time encounters, as opposed to relationships, and was uncomfortable with the idea of him loving someone else. He called me at work once, just because he knew i was working 12 hours, and wanted to see how my day was going.

Now, the beginning of september, i moved yet again, to a place that is still 5 hours away from this town, to return to school. I had a week off when i returned back, so i took off to visit, yet again. I saw him my first night in town, and we snuck away for some "hi, how are ya" time. The next night, we headed into the nearest city for an open mic event. We were able to openly be together. I figured i was going to be awkward, and not comfortable showing affection for an obviously, significantly older man. But no. I was so happy to be able to show that i was with him. He met my best friend that night.

We were able to walk down the street holding hands, it took us 3 hours to make the 1 hour drive back to town.

 

the next day i emailed him to say thanks. and that i had fun. His reply was that he had "wicked fun too". But then warned me that his wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the open marriage thing, and was looking to go back to being exclusive. But he wasn't going to make any rash statements about whether we could continue to see each other physically. The day before i was leaving town he had a gig and said he would try to see me. He called me that afternoon, to say that they were back to being exclusive, but that he wanted to keep intouch, and know how i was getting along at school. He apologized for not getting to see me in person to talk about it, but that the wife was quick to plan family activities for that afternoon.

When i came back to school, we went a week without any communication. I then had a weak moment, sent him a txt, saying that i knew it showed little respect for the situation, but that i just had to say hi. he txted me back the next day....within an hour of doing that, he called me, the conversation went the same as always, he emailed me the next day.

We then went 2 weeks without talking, until a brief conversation online. Because our relationship was mainly based on email communications, it didn't take much to become emotionaly involved.

 

He is such an intellectual. I fell in love with him. I had a 32 year old friend notice it before i would ever admit it to myself. I never told him, as i felt it would throw yet another wrench in the gears, since i feared as is, that i am the demise of the open marriage. He never had the constant contact with of the other people he had "relationships" with during the open marriage. plus, i was 16 years younger.

I completely regret never telling him though, even though i recognize that it wouldn't change a thing. I will be seeing him 2 times in the next month, and am not sure what to expect. I am excited to see him, as it's been 3 weeks, and i'm still crying over him at least twice a week, but at the same time, im scared it's going to hurt so much to not be allowed to act the same with him.

I have never met his wife, but respect her position. She's just doing what she feels is right to keep their marriage together. I never meant to fall in love with him. I didn't even mean to get involved with him because this is what i feared.

 

but anyway....that is my saga....any thoughts? insight? words of advice? I'm open to them. I'm just tired of hurting! Listening to Ben Harper's song Walk Away means so much more to me now.....

[Trimmer]

Sorry, I can't even imagine reading your post, as it appears in my browser as a giant rectangle of text.

 

Could you make it much easier to read by copying it again, and breaking it into paragraphs of a few sentences each, separated along generally logical subject lines? I would be willing to read it, but it's so daunting to see the wall of text...

[Owl]

This is a text book example of why open marriages nearly always never work out.

 

If you want to do what's "best" for everyone...break off contact with him completely, now.

 

Don't meet him again over the next month...don't email/text/call.

 

Let the relationship end. Find someone who's in your own age bracket, not someone old enough to be your daddy.

 

You'll be better off for it.

 

He'll be better off for it.

 

His wife will be better off for it.

[Federica]

Sorry, I can't even imagine reading your post, as it appears in my browser as a giant rectangle of text.

 

Could you make it much easier to read by copying it again, and breaking it into paragraphs of a few sentences each, separated along generally logical subject lines? I would be willing to read it, but it's so daunting to see the wall of text...

Hope that helps a little.

 

Basically, she's fallen in love with a married man (who was in an 'open' marriage, but whose wife has now said that she's uncomfortable with that, and has requested renewed exclusivity) who's old enough to be her father.

I don't get that anything physical's happened yet, but she's obviously hoping it would, but she would like advice on how to get over him, because it doesn't look as if it's ever going to happen.

 

Basically.

[raspberries]

Oh sorry, when we actually saw each other, we were sleeping together. An yes, I recognize that cutting all communicatons completely is for the best, but, we are part of the same social group from that place. There's no way I can avoid him when I go there.

[Owl]

Oh sorry, when we actually saw each other, we were sleeping together. An yes, I recognize that cutting all communicatons completely is for the best, but, we are part of the same social group from that place. There's no way I can avoid him when I go there.

 

Then plan on staying in this same situation...and continuing to negatively impact his marriage by doing so.

 

If you don't make this change...then nothing WILL change.

 

Until someone forces a real change...

 

Your option of course would be stop going to that same social group in that place...not something you WANT to do...but its a normal consequence when you're ending an affair.

 

And this IS an affair...grown out of an open marriage.

[MizzBlue72]

Ah - I think you guys are right, but I don't think this guys is old enough to be her dad ... OK - technically guys can have kids when they are 16, but 16 years difference isn't that much is it??

[Owl]

Are you kidding me???

 

16 years isn't a big deal when you're 80 and 64 maybe...

 

But she's 21!!!!!

 

OMG...yes, 16 years is a HUGE, HUGE deal at her age!!!

 

Lets do it the other way...if he were 16 years younger than her...he'd be 5! Or in other words...she was 5 years old when he was 21.

 

She's still very, very young. This is a HUGE gap.

[raspberries]

I'm with the whole "not old enough to be my dad" thing. There was an initial "i didn't realize you were THAT young" comment, as all my friends were around 30 y/o. And I have been told on many occasions that due to maturity level, people have thought I was older than 21. The only time the age gap bothered me was when we discussed me going back to college. Which, it turns out, didn't bother him. He encouraged me to go.

[Owl]

Raspberries...would your parents be good with this age difference if you were to tell them that you planned on marrying him today? Would your parents be comfortable with the whole way this relationship started???

 

When you're in the "in love" state you're in right now, he could be 90 and you wouldn't care about the age issue.

 

Its AFTER that stage wears off that things become issues...that's one reason why getting outside opinions are a GOOD thing a lot of the time.

[raspberries]

Luckily, my parents are easy going. I'm sure they would be "bothered" by it, but they often take the outlook that as long as i am happy, and am being treated well, they will leave well enough alone. They know we are good friends, that he picked me up at the airport that time, and all that.

 

I'm not looking to continue "seeing" him physically. I am just hoping there is some way to make it work as friends when we happen to see each other. He plays in my home town in a couple weeks, when I am planning to be home to see a friend (who thought it would be nice to go see him play, just knowing he is a friend of mine).

 

I haven't talked to him in over a week now. So, i'm hoping I'm making progress....

[angie2443]

I'm with the whole "not old enough to be my dad" thing. There was an initial "i didn't realize you were THAT young" comment, as all my friends were around 30 y/o. And I have been told on many occasions that due to maturity level, people have thought I was older than 21. The only time the age gap bothered me was when we discussed me going back to college. Which, it turns out, didn't bother him. He encouraged me to go.

 

I have a problem with statements like this. You may be very mature, but it does not make up for experience in life, experience that only comes with time. Also, I here this is an excuse often for men dating much younger girls (I'm talking early twenties). I knew of a 26 year old man who was dating a 13 year old and he and his friends justified this by saying the girl was light years ahead of her time. He certainly wasn't. He acted like a high school kid and from what I hear still does. I met the girl once when she was older. She acted her age.

 

I think age gaps matter less and less as you get older. However, at your age, you may be fooling yourself that you are more ahead of your age than you actually are.