It's over

[Deegee]

Been with my MM 3 years, we got into a fight about 5 weeks ago, he disapeared and has gone NC (does not answer my calls, or acknowledge my text messages), then I drive out to where he's at, and try to call him using a different phone number, he picks up. I try to talk to him, he says "I can't talk" tells me he'll call me back. And he does, only to tell me that he's out of town with his W, and that he'll be back the following evening.

So, I wait, he calls to tell me that he's back in town, and that he's tired, and going to sleep. He'll call me tomorrow.

Fine, I wait, he calls, I go to the gym to see him, he doesn't seem too happy, says that this is hard for him.(and not for me?! I was losing my mind over NC)

We hug, we kiss, we share small talk, he tells me he misses me, I tell him the same, he says he'll call me, I wait. (As usual) This is 10:00 am and I wait til 8:00 pm to text him that I love him, no answer.

He call me this morning to ask me what's up, then he drops the bomb...he tells me that when he received my text, he was frustrated because he wanted to call me, or text me, but he couldn't, he got tired of sneaking, and all of that.

He tells me, until then, he wasn;t sure what his problem was, then when he got the text, realized that I was way too much for him to continue with. He said that his business has suffered because of he was spending way too much time trying to get with me, and wondering where I am, and with who (it was aLDR), and I swear on my paren't grave, that I wasn't, and hasn't been with anyone BUT him in the last 3 years!!!!!

BUT he says that he loves me, but has to stop this A with me because his business has suffered, and to that I say,"bu&&S*&t!!!!!!"

Tells me that he has NEVER loved anyone like this, that I have his heart, that he feels bad for causing me so much heartache, and through all of this, I can't help but feel like he bailed.

And I 'm pist off as all get out!

I feel like he jerked me around for 3 stinking years, NO ONCE during these 3 years had I ANY indication that he was even feeling remotely like this, and I want to scream!!!!!!!!

I 'm here in his town and he won't give me the respect of saying goodbye to my face (he says that he can't tell me goodbye.....what a bunch of bull....it seems like he's already done that in his head....), and won't.

So, I'm utterly devastated......someone that I made my universe has suddely bailed on me, and I am livid!!!!!! He says that he has to work on himself now, and that he needs to do this before he can be with anyone else, or make anyone sles happy, and if I didn't feel like thism was such crap, I'd say good for you, go and do the work on yourself. But I just can't help but feel like he pulled a fast one on me, and I HATE IT.

Please someone help me with these feelings, I'm so mad I could spit!

[wildsoul]

I feel like he jerked me around for 3 stinking years, NO ONCE during these 3 years had I ANY indication that he was even feeling remotely like this, and I want to scream!!!!!!!!

Ouchie! Sorry you're mad and hurting.

 

I can see a couple things that might help you make sense of it, but they probably won't help the pain much. FWIW...

 

He might have kept his discontent hidden from you because it's his style to be conflict avoidant. I think anyone who chooses an affair rather than have the nerve to end their marriage has issues with confrontation. Rather than rock the boat, they let their partner believe all is well. I absolutely understand how his non-disclosure (until 5 weeks ago) would have you steamed up! Being the OW, it's easy to imagine that we have a certain intimacy and trust that the W's don't get. But if the problem with honesty & ability to communicate is a fault in the MM, then it's not about your relationship anyways. He is just doing what he does. You have a right to be angry about being blindsided though.

 

You've been together for 3 years. It's a long time. But even if he was single, you two might have broken up after 3 years. It might feel like you were waiting and that he owed you a commmitment, but in reality, he doesn't owe you a future. Again, you have a right to feel angry about losing the time you've invested (this is true in any breakup, not just A's.)

 

I just don't think A's are a sustainable model. Of course trying to sneak an extra relationship into a marriage, career, and social life is crazy hard! Something HAS to give. Unfortunately for you, he can't give up his job, and didn't give up his marriage, intead he gave up the affair. Being the one given up hurts, but that is the risk you knowingly took.

 

Again, I'm not sure if my points help at all. Not blaming you here, but if you look objectively, you can see that these were known risks. In fact, if you think a bit, I'm sure you already thought of these things when you first got involved. Best to just accept the loss and find a way to move on to someone better and more available to you.

[Deegee]

Thanks wildsoul

I MUST admit, I knew that there were quite a few red flags that I chose not to give heed to, and now I'm here, ouch.

I know that he IS a coward for not ending his marriage before getting invovled with me, and by the same token, I knew what the deal was, I just thought that I could handle it, boy was I so TOTALLY wrong!

I know that it took 2 of us in this, but if I look at the big picture, he pretty much was a coward from the get go.

He says that he can't tell me goodbye, because how do you tell someone that you love goodbye?! How about...goodbye?!

I am crushed, and honestly, a bit relieved, no more sneaking around, no more lonely holidays, birthdays, vacations, and just me to think about.

I just can't wrap my head around this person being there EVERYDAY (with the exception of 5 weeks) and then...nothing, it boggles my mind.

I also knew that ther might be a chance that he would do this to me, I just never thought that HE would....sounds crazy, right?

I mean if I were to be honest with myself, I 'd see that he was always looking out for himself, and I kinda just seemed to be there.

I'm sad, and feel a bit hollow.... my heart feels like its been put in a shredder, and I keep trying to make sense of all of this, and sadly I know that this might never make sense to me.

I'm gonna be selfish like he was, and put myself first and above everyone else from here on out....I can't and don't want to be here again for NOBODY!

[wildsoul]

He says that he can't tell me goodbye, because how do you tell someone that you love goodbye?! How about...goodbye?!

That made me laugh out loud. At least your sense of humor is still intact!